A Garrulous Guide To The 2016 Republican Presidential Trainwreck
It’s not so much a “clown car” anymore as it is a “clown caboose.”* In no intentional order, on their knees: Benjamin Solomon Carson Sr, Richard John Santorum, Christopher James Christie, Lindsey Olin Graham, Michael Dale Huckabee; on their own two feet: Dennis Michael Lynch, John Ellis Bush, Marco Antonio Rubio, Rafael Edward Cruz, James Richard Perry, Piyush Subhas Chandra Amrit Jindal, Charles Perry Andrews III; On the backs of the poor: Donald John Trump, Dale H. Christensen, Cara Carleton Sneed-Fiorina, Randal Howard Paul, and Scott Kevin Walker
If you want to smell their desperation, you must click it.
BARNUM, IOWA — In an unprecedented display of clownish Republican solidarity, seventeen presidential hopefuls, some declared, some undeclared, descended on the 191 souls of Barnum, Iowa, and slipped into the cozy confines of an unlocked circus cage and commenced to cavorting in psuedo-clown fashion. I say “psuedo-clown” because, after several hours of caustic negotiations, all seventeen agreed to appear sans-clownface as a protest against, yes, Barack Obama. I don’t even know. So yeah; in some freakish display of mob vanity, they even managed to hose up the clown part.
The 237 acres that are Barnum Iowa are surrounded on all four sides by growing corn. There is a Fire Department, and across the tracks on Front Street, there is a small drinking establishment, the Front & Center Bar. There is a U. S. Post Office. And also too, now, there is a circus tent in the middle of the baseball field of the regional educational edifice.
Inside the GOP tent, inside the center ring, inside the wild animal cage, each candidate holds forth for a scheduled fifteen minute, up close and personal “Get To Know Me” presentation. After a highly competitive drawing of straws, “Thirsty the Clown,” aka Marco Rubio, bounds onto the circular podium, which had previously been used only by trained seals.
After some last second hydration and careful preening of his red wig, Thirsty tells the smattering of Barnumites that he supports a flat federal tax rate, opposes the capital gains tax, (which draws chuckles from two or three), and that taxes should never, ever, ever be raised during a recession. Staring straight into the faces of the elderly of Barnum, he says he believes the age at which a person can begin collecting Social Security benefits should be raised for those more than ten years away from retirement, because, you know, increased life expectancy. He doesn’t get into the weeds of that notion, i.e., that family history, marital status, economic status, physique, exercise, diet, drug use, smoking, alcohol consumption, disposition, education, environment, sleep, climate, and health care— are all factors affecting life expectancy.
After the gong sounds alerting him that his time is up, Thirsty says he is strongly pro-life, opposes same-sex marriage, and that there is no. responsible. way. to use marijuana recreationally.
Then a question is shouted from the dark recesses of the bigtop: “Why arn’t y’awl addressin’ the Jade Helm 15 crisis?” There is a tangible shock, like a giant Taser, that zaps not only Thirsty the Clown, but all the other candidates waiting backstage. Suddenly there’s a new, even crazier Republican litmus test for crazy. A voice from outside the ring answers the question.
A bright spotlight follows Teddy (Cruz) the Clown into the ring as he intones, “Jade Helm 15 is supposedly just a military training exercise. I personally have no reason to doubt that, yet— but I perfectly understand the reason for your concern and hysteria, because when the federal government has not demonstrated itself to be trustworthy— like this administration hasn’t— the natural consequence is that many of our finest citizens don’t trust what it is saying.”
Another voice calls out of the darkness, “Just a minute there Teddy, I believe I have the tent floor.” Waving the second-shortest straw, Tubby (Huckabee) the Clown lumbers slowly towards the podium. But before he can utter a single racist word, Randy (Paul) the Clown seizes the opportunity by deftly pirouetting around Tubby’s gelatinous bulk, drawling, “Jade Helm 15 looks like an attempt by the Hillary Clinton to hand over to illegal immigrants the jobs of hard-working American citizens!” Angry gasps erupt from two of the several Barnumites who still remain under the GOP bigtop as the rest of the candidates begin jostling each other to get a foothold on the seal platform.
And from here it got really really ugly. Jebby started throwing elbows, angrily shouting how he would’ve invaded Iraq too, given all the false intelligence… Carly smashes an HP all-in-one printer over Blinky’s head… Pickles says he will not be bullied by the HP Corporation, or anyone else… Lil Ricky starts handing out Bibles to all seven of the remaining spectators… Honky, Hunky, Missy, Skippy, Zippy, Big Ricky, and Mouthy escalate a free-for-all with nerf bats and monkey poo…
So let the primaries begin! Or not. Sources tell US that soon it will be completely obvious that Jade Helm 15 is really a sekrit plan to ferret the entire clown caboose deep under the Livingston, Texas Walmart, supposedly closed for “renovations.”
* Half of Americans now say the GOP is too extreme, up 7 points since November. The percentage saying Democrats are too extreme has remained relatively steady at 39 percent.