HELL DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

 Posted by on August 28, 2015 at 12:11 PM
Aug 282015
 

In Fact, There Is No Hell So It Doesn’t Look Like This At All.

Hell?
That’s right— no “hell.”

Well, wait.

There are all those thousands of supposedly rational, intelligent people who still believe that the all-loving, all-merciful God they profess belief in maintains a gigantic, universal “Lake of Fire”— at enormous expense, too, despite all the overpriced “lakefront” property he’s sold— and you just know a live feed is available on the Celestial Cable base-package under “entertainment”— because burning your children eternally is so …  um, “all-loving and all-merciful…  so yeah, every person who ever lived who sinned against him in the many ways enumerated by boilerplate Christian dogma get’s to be an eternally roasting sentient hotdog!

But heeah me tooday and remember me tomorrow:  there is no  actual  place called Hell.

Mmmm, okay, I almost forgot, there is the brain-box of Rush Limbaugh‘s enormous head;  that’s certainly the closest thing to a living hell I can think of.  But look he’s gotta be realllly close to a fatal karmic coronary, so. . .  let’s say there’s no eternal actual material place called Hell.

Just for the hell of it (see, now that just slipped out) let’s go back and recall what the Jewish traditions of heaven and hell and the “doctrine of devils,” as recorded in the Hebrew scriptures, have to say.  You may not know it, but they were founded on the lingering traditions of Lucifer and Caligastia,* but also too, they were principally derived from the Zoroastrians during the times when the Jews were under the political and cultural dominance of those nasty Persians. (Oooh yes, yes— the forefathers of the evil threat du jour, the Iranians. Below the Mason-Dixon line this is pronounced “Eye-Ranniuns.”)  

So Zoroaster, a heavy dude with a thing for white flowing garments and hipster beards, lived in the eastern part of the Iranian Plateau and anybody who’s anyone knows it is the most desirable part of the plateau.  Location, people.
Yeah he totally taught the “day of judgment,” and one night after some bad hummus and feeling particularly apocalyptic, he connected this event with the idea of the end of the world.

And fun fact:  “The ‘Roaster“— as he was known to a small group of intimates— did not teach the worship of fire, he just tried to use the flame as a symbol of the pure and wise Spirit of universal and supreme dominance. Whew.   (Okay, but too true, his later followers both reverenced and worshiped said symbolic fire.)  Finally, after the conversion of a particular overwrought Iranian prince who shall remain nameless, this new religion was spread by the weapon of choice back then, the sword.  Shocking.  And Zo died in battle for what he believed was the “truth of the Lord of light.”

So where were we.  Ahh . Yeah, there is just the idea of hell, too;  that’s probably the most vivid and powerful form of no hell that there is, really;  and you might be surprised to learn that it isn’t kept alive by just the religious fundie-mentalists either.  It seems there are many weak-minded atheist trolls who, while claiming there is no hell (good so far) still insist on helping to keep the idea of hell alive by continually bringing it up whenever and wherever they can, in an effort to prove— get this— how dumb fundamentalists are. The irony— it burns all the way to the center of the earth.

Hmm. Well dammit, the center of the earth is a lot like every garden variety idiot’s idea of hell, too;  I mean if you could actually get there with a. . . Mm you know what, just forgeddaboudit.

 

* “Caligastia” was a Lanonandek Son of the secondary order.  For three hundred thousand years Caligastia had been in charge of Urantia when Satan, Lucifer’s assistant, made one of his periodic inspection calls.  In the course of this inspection Satan informed Caligastia of Lucifer’s then proposed “Declaration of Liberty,” and he agreed to betray the planet upon the announcement of the rebellion.  Loyal universe personalities look with peculiar disdain upon Prince Caligastia because of this premeditated betrayal of trust.

In all the administrative work of a local universe, no high trust is deemed more sacred than that reposed in a Planetary Prince who assumes responsibility for the welfare and guidance of the evolving mortals on a newly inhabited world.  And of all forms of evil, none are more destructive of personality status than betrayal of trust and disloyalty to one’s confiding friends. In committing this deliberate sin, Caligastia so completely distorted his personality that his mind has never since been able fully to regain its equilibrium.

 

TRUMPENSTEIN!

 Posted by on August 24, 2015 at 9:40 AM
Aug 242015
 

Trumpenstein

 

In Mary Shelley’s classic sci-fi horror novel, Frankenstein or The Modern Prometheus (1818), her protagonist, the brilliant Dr. Viktor Frankenstein, allows his hubris to get the better of him by assuming the powers of the Creator. His monstrous faux human creation, without name or number in the original—let’s call him “Donald” for now– refers to himself initially as “the Adam of your labours,” and subsequently as “your fallen angel.”  Assembled from the disjointed body parts of dead humans, the good Doc’s beloved creation rebels and tries to destroy him.

Which pretty much describes Donald Trump’s relationship with the GOP establishment. His political persona is as much a creation of the political arm of the GOP, Fux News, as it is one of his own devising. Prior to the first, now infamous, 2016 Republican presidential debate, Trump was a regular weekly guest on Fux’s morning program, Fux and Friends, which gave him a long-running, high profile forum to build his political persona. A marriage made in heaven for an extreme narcissist and a cable network, both seeking maximum public attention and approval.

Behind the scenes at Fux corporate, however, trouble was brewing between Fux owner, Rupert Murdoch (an immigrant himself), who wanted to dump Trump; and its president, former Nixon communications adviser Roger Ailes, who wanted to keep him. Murdoch called Trump “wrong” and “embarrassing,” a sentiment his other propaganda organ, the Wall Street Journal, reinforced when it labeled Trump a “catastrophe.” Ailes, on the other hand, knows ratings gold when he sees it and came to Trump’s defense.

Murdoch initially prevailed, as evidenced by Fux News rising star host, Megyn Kelly’s out of the gate attack on Trump at the first GOP presidential primary debate. Megyn confronted Trump with a number of his misogynist statements over the years. Trump did his best to deflect her prosecution, resorting to another of his patented Rosie O’Donnell’ slurs, subsequently implying in a tweet that Kelly was on the rag at the time. Murdoch seemed to have gained the edge at this point, having given Trump plenty ‘nuff rope to hang himself. But when the ratings came in for the debate, which showed that the event had far surpassed the previous record for any comparable cable tv broadcast, Murdoch (now in his dotage), surrendered the playing field, proving that for the bottom line at least, Roger is good for what Ailes ya…if you’re a Fux stockholder, that is. Meanwhile, having been thrown under the corporate bus, Megyn took an extended vacation. (MSNBC, in a severe ratings funk, should hire her to replace the execrable Joe Scarborough.)

So now, it’s back to the future, with Fux once again making kissy face with Trump. And that means either accepting or rejecting his extreme proposals for immigration reform (the only policy paper his campaign has released to date), exactly the issue that the GOP establishment wants to avoid. After their resounding defeat in the 2012 presidential election, they performed an “autopsy” that found that without a much higher percentage of the Latino vote, they’ll never get the keys to the White House again. Where their last successful presidential run, the re-election of George W. Bush in 2004, mustered 40% of the Latino vote, Mitt Romney received only 27%, a 13 point drop. Attempts to produce a viable immigration reform package, perhaps the greatest concern of Hispanic voters, have failed miserably—just ask past presidential candidate John McCain and current presidential candidates Lindsey Graham, Jeb Bush, and Marco Rubio. Unable to quell the racist, nativist sentiments of their Tea Party base, the GOP establishment decided it was better to downplay or ignore the issue altogether.  

But now that the Trumpestein monster has broken his restraints and left the table, marauding across the countryside and terrorizing the peasants (cue music: The Monster Mash...it caught on in a flash.), the GOP is forced to reanimate the issue. Which means addressing Trump’s promise to: (1) deport 11 million undocumented immigrants (and their families, whether they were born in the US or not); (2) end birthright citizenship (guaranteed by the 14th Amendment); and (3) build a really, really yooge wall (extending 2000 miles at an estimated cost of $168 billion).

Re item (1), not only does Trump want to deport Mexican rapists, murderers, and drug dealers, but also law abiding, tax paying workers and their families, whether their children were born here or not. (Estimated cost: $300 billion over 40 years.) Which brings us to item (2): the only way that he could deport children of immigrants who were born here—which he justifies by saying that, after all, he just wants to   keep families together—is to trash the 14th amendment that guarantees these citizen “Dreamers” all their constitutional rights. (estimated cost to deport the 5 million Dreamers alone: $50 billion.)  And to keep all them thar “illegals” out, he intends to build an impenetrable wall and make the Mexican government pay for it. (Herman Cain inspired alligator infested moats subject to further negotiation. But the smart money is on the author of The Art of the Deal to at least get them gators at a hefty discount if the Mexican government decides to dig in its heels and grows a bigger pair of cojones.)

None of these fantasies have even the slightest chance of becoming real without a major media blitz. But with Trumpenstein back behind the protective walls of the Fux News castle, the effort has begun. Steve Douchebag, cohost of Fox and Friends, judges Trump’s immigration plan as: “A dream list for many who have wanted immigration reform for a long time.

And Andrea Kostintina Tantaros, cohost of Fux’s The Outnumbered, defending Trump’s assault on the Fourteenth Amendment, opined: It wasn’t intended so that a bunch of Latinos could flood over the border.”

With the rupture in the wingnut Force repaired, the rest of the universe will have to content itself to sitting ‘round the campfire, roasting Frankenweenies, waiting to watch the next episode of Republicans Eating Their Own. A fitting epilogue would have Trumpenstein further his rebellion by quitting the GOP and running as an independent.    

YEAH, JESUS IS COMING BACK, BUT—

 Posted by on August 17, 2015 at 12:55 PM
Aug 172015
 

JesusReturnsHe’s probably not going to look like you think he will.

Of all the teachings of Jesus, no one thing has been so confused as his promise to come back in person to this world. It is only natural to believe that Jesus would be interested in coming back, not only once but many times, to the world whereon he lived such a unique and important life as one of us; as a human being.

While he was here, on numerous occasions and to many individuals he declared his intention of returning to this world. But as his followers awakened to the fact that he was not going to function as a temporal deliverer, and as they listened to his predictions of the overthrow of Jerusalem and the downfall of the Jewish nation, they most naturally began to associate his promised return with these catastrophic events.

Christ Consolator by Carl Bloch, 1886
But when the Roman armies leveled the walls of Jerusalem, destroyed the temple, and dispersed the Jews, and still the Master did not reveal himself in power and glory, his followers began the formulation of a belief which eventually associated the second coming of Christ with the end of the age; even with the end of the world.

Jesus promised to do two things after he had ascended: He promised to send into the world, and in his stead, another teacher, the Spirit of Truth; and this he did on the day of Pentecost.

Second, he promised that he would sometime personally return to this world.

But he did not say how, where, or when he would revisit this planet of his bestowal experience in the flesh. (On one occasion he intimated that, whereas the eye of flesh had beheld him when he lived here in the flesh, on his return, or at least on one of his possible visits, he would be discerned only by the eye of spiritual faith.)

So those who most positively believe that he will again come in person, still have not the slightest idea as to when or in what manner he may choose to come. Will his second coming on earth be timed to occur in connection with the terminal judgment of this present age? Will he come in connection with the termination of some other subsequent age? Will he come unannounced and as an isolated event? No one knows.

One thing we can be certain of when he does return:  all the world will likely know about it, for he must come as the supreme ruler of our universe and not as the obscure babe of Bethlehem.

Jesus+tatAnd as believers, we can be sure of only one thing: He has promised to come back. We have no idea as to when he will fulfill this promise or in what connection. As far as we know, he may appear on earth any day, and he may not come until age after age has passed.

The second advent of Jesus/the Son of God on earth is an event of tremendous sentimental value to humans, but otherwise it is of no more practical importance to us than the common event of natural death, which so suddenly precipitates us into the immediate grasp of a succession of events which leads directly to the presence of this same Jesus.

The children of light are all destined to see him, and it is of no serious concern whether we go to him, or whether he should chance first to come to us. Therefore we should be ever ready to welcome him on earth, as he stands ready to welcome us in heaven. Still, we can confidently look for his glorious appearing, but we are wholly ignorant as to how, when, or in what connection he is destined to appear.

If any of this is thought provoking, I strongly recommend reading at least Part Four of The Urantia Book, The Life and Teachings Of Jesus of Nazareth. And do let us know what you think in the comments below.

All the best in your search for answers, and in your remaining time on this world.

Seriously, America? This??

 Posted by on August 14, 2015 at 1:30 PM
Aug 142015
 

Trump Oval OfficeThe Trump Oval Office, live phone interview with Blahblahblah and Blah.
If you have a vomit bag handy, go ahead and click to enlarge.

(Before we get started.  Don’t use the word “surge” around me.  Especially in the context of a Trump poll.  I will lash out.  You’ve been warned.)

So it may be too soon to start showing America just what a Trump “presidency” will look like.   After all, it was many of those same sorry fuckers who elected Ronald Reagan, remember?   And then they made it possible for a few jackasses on the Supreme Court to give George W. Bush the right to fuck America up for decades.  Then after a slight respite from the destruction and the near miraculous recovery from the impending apocalypse, thanks to Barack Obama, we find ourselves at the mercy of a complete and utter moron.  Here is what I mean:

FOX: Mr. President, your first 90 days poll show that have not endeared yourself to an increasingly regretful, and on the liberal side, hysterical, public. Liberals have severely criticized you for what they call the “grotesque sacrilege” of your spectacular makeover of The oval office;  what would you say to these silly critics, and will you consider changing anything?

TRUMP:  with all due respect, my critics are a bunch of losers.  They’re a bunch of whiney little dogs, and they make me sick.  Look. We have a lot of fun here at the Trump White House, in my tremendously beautiful, this very very beautiful Oval Office.  And to those little dogs— who are disgusting— and who are still licking their wounds from my tremendous victory taking the White House back from them,  to these little dogs I say, I will always do what I do— and frankly, you know, if anybody don’t like it, they’re losers and they should be fired.

FOX: Mr. President, we totally agree;   but they feel they have some “constitutional” right to complain, because of the controversy surrounding the Supreme Court’s decision which handed you the election with a near 700 vote margin of victory.

TRUMP:  You know, I’m not going to get into that, you can argue all day with losers, and at the end of the day, they’re still losers!

FOX:  I know sir, it’s incredible.

TRUMP:  So I’m going about the business of, you know,  making aMErica Great Again, making tremendous deals, I’m threatening Iran, I’m threatening Iraq, I’m threatening ISIS, I’m very very busy already, threatening these loser nations who are, in some cases, are sitting on OUR Oil, and I’m going to make them deals very soon which they can’t refuse.

FOX:  Mr. President that sounds awesome, and we, as always, thank you so very much for taking your very important time to talk to the American people through the fair and balanced orifice of Fox and Friends, the one and only official White House newsfeed of the American people.

TRUMP:  Terrific, you know you guys have been very tremendous the past few months, convincing the American people, who I have to admit,  you know, are not the smartest people, you know a lot of them didn’t vote for me, and I’m going to overlook that, for now.

FOX:  Thank you Mr. President, and looking forward to seeing you next month.

TRUMP:  Terrific, my aides Megan and Megin will show you out.  Now, can we get the lighting guys back in here again, this still isn’t meeting my expectations, this artwork is not meeting the Trump lighting— Will someone answer that Goddamned phone?

‘CHURCK OF THE DAY: STUPID PEOPLE WITH POWER AND MONEY

 Posted by on August 11, 2015 at 3:37 PM
Aug 112015
 

elephant alligatorI’ve got you now, my pretty. . .

ASTONISHING, REALLY, that the majority of the professional talking heads preferred to take more than a month to realize that when Donald Trump slithered into the Republican China Shop, his fat ass was inevitably going to trash the place.  And now that he’s really starting to sink his teeth into their vulnerable little snouty-thing— Fox Nose— the other “Republican” candidates are getting some overspray of his ‘churck* on their business drag, and they don’t like it one bit.

But nobody really gives a shit about them.  It’s about the stupid people— the people that keep telling the pollsters that every time tRump oozes another gallon of pus on the political dialogue of their “greeet [sic] nation,” the more they want to lick his, “whatever.”  People too stupid to hear the truth when a billionaire buffoon tells them straight out that he buys and sells politicians like dogs, deserve what they git.

Therefore, my gentle people, reserve your real astonishment for these, the hapless base of the Republican electorate, currently coupling with the faux poutrage of their new shiny!shiny!, and blindly oblivious to the fact that their favorite bobble-head bloviator will be coming back to their bed:

If and when they do wake to the fact they’ve had their favorite horse’s ass handed to them, along with their [hopefully permanent] renewal as the Party Out Of Power,  (heh: POOP)  the ever-dwindling minority party of fearfully ignorant white men and women will need  to be rounded up and sent to the FEMA camps   a lot of Obamacare   . . .a lot more guns.

WhiteTrashYes, you gotta pritty mouth.

* ‘Churck:   a contraction of “jerk” and “‘chuck,” a shortening of “upchuck.” Yep: “jerk vomit.”  

Oh Yeah? Hug This.

 Posted by on August 8, 2015 at 9:53 AM
Aug 082015
 
Christie-HUGSSometimes I just want someone to hug me and say, “Things are going to be okay.
Here’s a coffee.  And five million dollars.”

 

SURVEY SAYS:  “A really good hug!”

The nurturing touch of a hug builds trust equity and a sense of safety.  This helps with open and honest communication, and the flow of federal tax dollars to your personal treasury.

Hugs can instantly boost oxytocin levels.  Which heal feelings of loneliness, isolation, anger, excessive weight gain, and threats of indictment from bridge traffic jams.

Holding a hug for a socially unacceptable length of time may lift one’s serotonin levels, elevate mood, start tongues wagging, and create photo opportunities out the ying-yang.

Hugs strengthen the immune system. The gentle pressure on the sternum and the emotional charge this creates activates the solar savings chakra, stimulates the payus gland, which can regulate and balance the body’s flow of white blood cells as well as super pac cash.

Hugging elevates self-esteem, right up to, and including, crippling narcissism.  From the time we’re born, the family’s touch— depending on how forceful it might be— shows us that we’re loved and “special.”  The cuddling and cudgelling we received from Mom and Dad while growing up become imbedded at a cellular level, usually in fat cells, and hugs remind us it’s too late to do anything about it.

Hugging relaxes muscles by releasing tension and taking away pain by increasing circulation of dark money into the soft underbelly tissues.

Hugs can balance out the nervous system and your checkbook.  The galvanic skin response of someone receiving a check and giving a hug shows a change in skin conductance, and your bottom line.  The effect in moisture, electricity, and cash on the skin and in your wallet suggests a more balanced state in the nervous fiscal system — parasitism.

The energy/cash exchange between the people hugging is an investment in the relationship.  It encourages empathy and entitlement.  And, it’s sin-ergistic— which means if one of you goes down, you can bet the other one will too.

So.  Hugs.  They’re what’s for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in pay-off politics, and obviously— the weapon to reach for when things get really ugly on the world stage.

 

THE FOX NEWS DEBATE DEBACLE

 Posted by on August 5, 2015 at 4:15 PM
Aug 052015
 

Debate Also-Rans Go Down With Happy Rants

KidsTable2016The sound check at the Losers Kid’s table got rowdy; a lot of bird flipping, and considerable abuse of little Ricky Santorum.  From right (left) front to far right: Ricky Perry;  That guy nobody has ever even heard of;  Ricky Santorum;  Piyush Jindal;  Lindsey “Olin” Graham;  Carly Fiorina; and a George Pawtucki, or somethin’.

Some “big names” are out of the first Fox News Debate debacle, having been relegated to the “Happy Hour” debate scheduled to air before the main event.  And although a spokesman for the man with literally the biggest name, Piyush Subhas Chandra Amrit Hinssein Jindal, had no comment, several other candidates happy-railed against being relegated to the Also-Rans table by Fox News’ top croissant ingestor, Roger Ailes.

As Mitt Romney once sang, the dogs have been let out!  Here they are, and they’re howlin’ happy:

CARLY FIORINA  “A vast majority of Republican voters, never mind Americans, [gotta love that distinction] still don’t know who I am,” said businesswoman Carly Fiorina.  “You have a long way to go here. It’s a long race. We’re all going to need a stiff upper lip, and more than one stiff drink.  I’m looking forward to the ‘happy hour’ debate, because you get two drinks just to start.”

JIM GILMORE  “Arggle bargle!  Arggle bargle!  Scotch rocks!  Arggle bargle!  Arggle bargle!” [WTF]

LINDSEY GRAHAM  “You’ve got the Donald Trump debate.  Everybody’s gonna be, ‘How will he perform?  What will he say?’  Well, when I’m in the first debate, which is the ‘happy hour debate’ at five o’clock, start drinking.  By nine o’clock Donald may make sense to you— if you drink enough.”  [South Carolina senator Graham (“Call me Olin”) is credited with the term “happy hour debate.”  He also criticized the Republican front-runner Trump, calling him a Jackass— which induced the flat-footed multi-billionaire to reveal Graham’s cellphone number.]

PIYUSH JINDAL  [No comment.  But he is staying at a Holiday Inn Express.]

RICK PERRY  Is practicing his presidentialness-ness by speaking through an “adviser”:  “The governor is going to have a very thoughtful, well rehearsed conversation about the country, guns, and, and a third thing,  you know, that he thinks ought to be done for the opportunity for this country.” [Yeah that was my thought too; just as articulate as the guv.]

GEORGE PATAKI  [I’m sorry— who?]

RICK SANTORUM  “National polls mean nothing.  Unfortunately, Fox News and the RNC have gotten into a, sort of, “man and dog” situation to determine the legitimacy of candidacy.  And they have the ability to influence who is in the top ten by the amount of coverage they get, and the amount of advertising dollars.”  [No-he-diddent! He said “man and dog.”]

Okay.  Back to what passes for the real world.  Head propagandist at Fox Roger Ailes is credited with the “Orchestra Pit Theory“— referencing sensationalist political coverage in the news media:

“If you have two guys on a stage and one guy says, ‘I have a solution to the Middle East problem,’ and the other guy falls in the orchestra pit, who do you think is going to be on the evening news?” —Ailes

So maybe Roger is secretly doing the second string batch of buffoons a favor;  maybe by pushing them off the main stage and into the mosh pit he’s actually giving them the first shot at showing the electorate what a real clown car debate looks like. . .

Uh, Naww.

They’re both gonna be a debacle.