It seems the fun never stops being generated out there on the campaign trail. Last week, a friend sent along a “Hillary joke,” just one of several billion being spammed around the internets.
It read exactly like this:
“Hillary Clinton was out jogging one a.m. along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing nearby pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The 1st kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.”
Hillary said, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my special Senator’s airplane.”
The 2nd kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.” Hillary said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!”
The 3rd kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV, and stereo headset!”
Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, “But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”
The kid said, ‘I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass.’ ”
Ha ha ha. So his dad is a murderous brute; a cro-Magnon who rewards his own son’s act of chivalry with a crippling beating. Why is that funny? Because Hillary Clinton is such a horrible choice for president, certain types of people would supposedly beat their offspring into permanent paralysis for aiding her pursuit of the presidency of the world’s greatest democracy. Yeah, I get it.
But it got me to thinking. Could a real knuckle dragger actually write a “joke” like that? Could they so ignore the fact they’re being encourged to hate in the name of preserving our current values of pre-emptive war for oil and to put the inferior Muslim religionists in their places— under the sand?
It was just too formulaic to have been penned by a ditto head; rather, it seemed a serviceable little yarn that might lend itself to a whole lot of individuals. I chose Rudy Guilliani first because he probably hangs out on the same parkway:
Rudy Giuliani appeared to be out trolling for votes in a charming pink chiffon ensemble early one a.m. along the parkway, when he fell over the bridge railing and does a face plant with his enormous forehead in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could finish their hot-dogs, 3 homeless kids who were pan-handling nearby pull him out of the smelly, fetid water. He’s feeling pretty damned lucky, almost as lucky to have been mayor when 9-11 went down, so he tells the kids he is the living, breathing hero of the 9-11 disaster, and he’s running for president, and would like to reward the kids (in some cost-effective, self-aggrandizing way) with whatever they wanted.
The 1st kid says, “I want to live in a country who’s politicians aren’t all cross-dressing, hypocritical lying sacks of shit.”
The crack rolls off Rudy like oil off a snake, and he says, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my special 9-11 Hero-Mayor’s plane.”
The 2nd kid shudders and says, “I want you to explain to the American people why you’re not responsible for the deaths of a 121 firefighters who couldn’t hear the call to evacuate because of the faulty radios you bought through a no-bid contract, you crony-ass blame-the-victims motherfucker.”
Rudy laughs good-naturedly and says, “Ah, so you’re a ‘Liberal!!’ Congratulations!” and immediately whirls and points to the third kid.
The 3rd kid says, “I want a big fat life insurance policy and a really nice burial plot.”
Rudy is perplexed and says, “But you can’t be but 12 years old! You don’t look like you’re going to die.”
The kid says, “I’ll wish I was dead when the FDNY finds out I saved your sorry ass.”
While we’re in New York, let’s take a look at yet another American hero of the 9-11 debacle. It goes like this:
Larry Silverstein was out trolling for lucrative properties early one a.m. along the parkway, when he fell over the bridge railing and landed in the stinking wretched creek below.
Before the punishing angels could get to him, 3 homeless vets, who were resting comfortably under the nearby bridge, pull him out of the filthy, polluted water. Larry felt he was so deserving of their act of heroism, that he told the vets he was the SEVEN BILLION DOLLAR beneficiary of the 9-11 catastrophe, and would like to give the vets whatever they wanted, provided it fell within certain tax-deductable limits.
The 1st vet said, “I want to live in a country who’s slimy corporations and their executives aren’t all evil, lying sacks of shit, who sit on their vast wealth and allow 400,000 of the very men and women who helped insure the safety of their corporate holdings around the world, to live homeless on the streets of America.”
Larry said, “No problemo, I’ll take you there on my special 9-11 Benefactor’s yacht. Sign here, here; here; there, and, . . . there.”
With balled up fists, the 2nd vet says, “I want you to explain to the American people why your insurance policies on the twin towers were overhauled in the months immediately prior to the catastrophe, and why they fell like controlled demolitions, you traitorous scumwad country-fucker.”
Larry said, “Ah, so you’re a conspiracy nutjob. Get outa here, head-case!” and his eyes begin to glow red as he glares at the third vet.
The 3rd vet said, “I want a big fat life insurance policy and a really nice burial plot.”
Larry was not amused and says, “You can’t be 20 years old. You survived the war. Just because you choose to live under the bridge there doesn’t mean you’re going to die.”
The vet says, “I feel like dying because I saved your hideous ass.”