Mortals Petition God For New Hell Policy

Ancient of Days

[M]ercy may be lavish, but justice is precise. —The Urantia Book

IN A MOTION filed with the Universe Supreme Court yesterday, a group of mortals from the planet Urantia petitioned the Creator to revise his original plans and set aside at least one world for the eternal damnation of George W. Bush and his allies.

“We know that the nature of the Infinite Father is one of love and near infinite mercy, but enough is enough. Annihilation is too good for these scum,” said a spokesperson for the group, Mightily Pissed Off Urantians, in an interview with the Celestial News Network.

The petitioners provided over 1000 evidentiary exhibits of what they characterize as Bush’s crimes against humanity, and the planet. A separate amicus brief, signed by a long list of the planet’s philosophers, political, and religious leaders addresses the various sophistries used to rationalize the defendants’ actions.

Asked for a one word summary of the charges, the spokesperson replied:

“Rape. Rape of The Country Formerly Known As Iraq. Rape of the environment for personal and corporate gain. Rape of human rights and basic human dignity.”

“It’s tempting to dismiss Bush and his ilk as mere sociopaths, but that implies some sort of mitigating, organic brain damage. These people knew damn well what they were doing. An example needs to be made for all future would-be world tyrants,” he added.

Asked for an estimate of how long it would take for a ruling, a clerk for the Ancients of Days replied:

“Well, we’ve got a pretty heavy docket this term due to a heavy influx of emergency petitions for divine intervention from this very same planet. Given the long term nature of the relief sought in this particular declaratory motion, the emergency petitions will be given priority. But in a universe where time is measured against eternity, justice delayed in not justice denied.”

When the spokesperson for Mightily Pissed Off Urantians was informed of the likely delay, he replied:

“Yeah, we sort of expected that. But we take comfort in knowing that while the Bushies can run, they can’t hide. In the short term, we’d be satisfied with them being dragged before the Hague for war crimes and spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars.”

“I hear Guantanamo might have some vacancies soon,” he added.


  1. Avatar Terrie of Nebadon

    I have asked the Most Highs to rule in the kingdom of men and women, like now would be a good time. I’m thinking they may not get away with stealing an election for a third time in front of the whole world and that maybe the powers that be will listen to me for once. They should!

    I’m expecting the crazies to say we can’t have an election any minute. It all remains to be seen.

    I’ve also asked that the crazies be arrested immediately for cosmic insanity in that they think they can kill all life and have been doing a pretty good job of it.

    Or at least I have begged them to let me go home. Please rescue me!

    One more thing, I have realized I will worship Him whereever I am in the Universe, so…..I guess I’ll stay if I must!

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