Finally. George Orwell‘s letters to his mistress are going on the auction block. But before I can fork over the moolas for one or more of them, a have a few other decisions to make about where my ever slender piece of the yummy munny pie goes. So listen up, wage slaves; these savings packages are for you.
Blogging is a mostly sit-on-your-ass deal. So when a hefty wad of coupons arrived in the mail, my savings gene involuntarily convulsed at the provocative copy on the very first coupon: Five sessions with a personal trainer at Fitness 19. Yes, the gene told me, it might help keep that ass of yours in the same pants, but it will set you back $99, plus $12 a month for “dues” which, paradoxically, we can never pay enough of.
Not bad, but I only have to pony up $39 when my economic stress becomes too much and I find relief in a relaxing, one-hour massage session at Massage Envy. Their professionals will help me release my tension and give me a relaxed body and mind. File under rejuvination. Hm. Rejuvi-nation. (Young again.) Ha ha.
Then there’s all these tasty food coupons. Let’s see; I can turn back time with Nutrisystem, who will send me a free week of food with— WTF? with a week of food I pay for— so I eat twice as much?
Maybe I’d rather save $5 if I drop $25 or more on Old Chicago pasta or pizza at participating locations. Economic death by pizza sounds very delicious.
But I can save $3 whole dollars off any WHOLE PIE at a local Perkins— well, except for those “promotional specialty stimulus pies” that Perkins puts extra perk into. (Be careful not to mutilate or even tamper with your coupon, though, or it’s “No pie for you, two years!” )
It’s a fact that coupon usage is intensifying — as even upscale consumers shift to thrift. Today’s consumers want to must make the most of every purchase. They are looking for value and finding it in America’s leading source for stimulus savings, Screwpak.
So. Upscale consumers are sifting through their own personal wad of Screwpak coupons, looking for thrifty values. And what upscale consumer doesn’t want to imagine their home “totally organized” with boo-koo custom closet cubbyholes, with new cabinets in your attached SUV warehouse to hold a bazillion new tools, and enough new cabinets in the kitchen that you’ll need a printed key to find your upscale wine corking system.
Then again, I could opt to save $99* on the standard installation of a Brinks Home Security system to protect all that stuff, which will help keep most of the not-so-upscale bargain hunters out of my castle’s new closet space. But that little asterisk there means at least a three year obligation on a monitoring contract, and… whoops— home ownership and credit approval required. Three years is an awful long time to hold on to a mortgage. Let’s see what the competition’s throwin’ down.
Hmmmm: Free home security system! And it includes the usual threatening lawn signs and window decals— the ones that alert potential savings shoppers that you also have an infrared motion detector and an interior siren. But this free home security system also comes with a FREE iPod™ . . . and, if I act now, I’ll receive a free wireless remote control, AND a free medical and fire Panic Alert. Wow. Reallly hard to resist that panic alert thingy… but… and this is a mighty big butt— that 4 point type at the bottom of my coupon casually says what I’m really doing is gettin’ my ass’s wallet on the hook for $1,400 chicharrones. Sigh.
Ah. Here’s one for $50 off my income tax preparation; but it’s already giving me hives just thinking about taxes, and all our fucking tax munny going to Citi and AIG’s upscale consumers. Ever get the feeling you’re playing in a different league that the fuckwads gettings millions of “chicharrones” in bonuses that you’re helping to pay?
What other vitally important shit do we have here. Tires, new bathrooms, new windows, blinds, dirty air duck cleaning, dirty carpet cleaning, nasty crawl space do-overs, oral cancer screenings, (yeww) braces packages, denture packages, skin tightening packages, laser hair removal packages, body contouring packages, unlimited long distance packages, package packages, spa packages for dogs, puppy bath packages, three “R” skin cleaning packages— that’s Repair, Revitalize, Renew—
and finally, virtually painless simple effective non-surgical out-patient minimally invasive laser hemorrhoid strangulation.
Whew. Fuggit. My ass is too tired to save any money. Think I’ll buy a pie.