Insanity Sunday: Glenn Beck Explains Satan And Lucifer For Third Graders

“I’m hoping the guy with horns doesn’t actually show up, but he could.”
—Glenn Lee “I have a Dreamsicle” Beck

. . . And monkeys in jumpsuits might fly out your butt, too, Glenn.

You know, for a guy whose followers think of you as a “prophet,” this is some weak and very pedestrian excrement.  To begin with. “…the guy with horns” is a completely puerile euphemism for the Christian “devil,” usually called Satan, tho often conflated with Lucifer. But then these days, the average intelligence of your adoring stooges¹ has to be topping-out at an early third grade level.

PomseedsYou’ll recall the “Christian” Satan is usually identified as a serpent— a snake— who used his erudite vocabulary and silver-tongued slitheryness to persuade Eve to eat the “forbidden fruit”;  which discerning scholars have identified (totally f’n guessed) as the Pomegranate, because they’re a total pain in the ass to peel and eat.
But let’s digress a bit— it’s Insanity Sunday, for Christ’s sake— According to the Qur’an, (a book some Christians will say was also written by the devil to compete with the hot-selling Bible de jour) the Pomegranate grows in the gardens of Paradise;  seriously: they might be right—have you ever really looked at its arils?  Just like rubies.


Somewhere along the way, at least in the fanatical minds of fear-phobia frazzled children, Satan managed to change from a lowly but clever talking serpent to a fire-breathing dragon;  a fictional creature (surprise, I know) that is sometimes depicted with horns, mostly by the early Chinese;  and you know how they turned out— all commies.  So it’s this horny juvenile image of a fallen angel that Beck chooses to frighten his wayward followers into buying his books and freaking on his fear.

Kissin Satan's AssAs this old woodcut demon-strates, history is replete with Beck-types willing to snootle Satan’s behind.

Now if you’ve read the ridiculous biblical account of Christ’s encounter with Satan in a sincere effort to understand this important universe episode, you’ve earned a well-deserved WTF! moment.  Nevertheless, this confrontation between Lucifer and Jesus did actually take place;  just a whole lot differently than, well, this:

God Kicks Lucifer's AssLucifer gets his castigation straight from the Big Guy’s finger: “Take that disgusting schnozz of yours and those filthy horns, and become an eternal thorn in the sides of all my children.”  If you want to see the schnozz you must click it.²

Interestingly, the Talmud mentions Satan numerous times, but in all those references Satan is just a rogue agent of God—with no independent existence of his own.  That’s an important historical note, because it means they understood Satan— i.e., Lucifer— to be no match for God—quite literally— in any way, shape, or form.

Titles for Satan include “the prince³ of this world.”  Satan, like Lucifer, was just a lower-level universe government functionary;  not an all-powerful dualistic God of Evil that the Big Kahuna couldn’t quite muster up enough omnipotence, ubiquity, and all-powerfulness to kick their respective asses into eternal oblivion.  He certainly did have, and he certainly did.

But what Glenn Beck doesn’t know about our planetary history could fill the infinite void between his right ear and his left a million times over.  For instance.  Bleck doesn’t have a shadow of a clue that Lucifer, our “System Sovereign,” and Satan,* our “planetary prince,” and the many beings who followed them into rebellion against our celestial government, have been incarcerated for nearly two thousand of our years.

The bestowal of Michael incarnate as Jesus terminated the Lucifer rebellion in our galactic neighborhood.  And this was the significance of Jesus’ personal experience, not long before his death in the flesh, when he one day exclaimed to his disciples, “And I beheld Satan fall as lightning from heaven.”  Satan had come with Lucifer to Urantia for the last crucial struggle, and when Jesus uttered the words, “Get you behind me, Satan.” that was, in principle, the real end of the Lucifer Rebellion.  It also marked the end of Satan’s ability to visit this planet, or any other.

So no, Mr. Bleck, Satan ain’t coming back.  Ever.  And Lucifer ain’t coming back.  Never Ever.  So stop acting like a tool and stop lying like a fool;  you don’t know what you’re talking about.  But your lies do have serious consequences, both for you and the people you deceive with them.  Oh, there are probably some metaphorical “dark dudes” coming— your way— for you;  but since you don’t appear to have an ounce of genuine faith in that puffy little skin-sack you walk around in, there’s really nothing you can do about it.

¹  a performer in the Tea Party whose act involves being the butt of a rodeo cowboy’s comedian’s jokes.

Original illustration

³  All evolutionary worlds of time and space are governed by a celestial ruler of the realm, known throughout our local universe as Planetary Princes.  Our Planetary Prince, Caligastia, (the “devil”) cast his lot with the rebellion of the System Sovereign, Lucifer. Our planet has pursued a stormy course ever since.

* Satan was actually a “first lieutenant” of Lucifer, and acted in his stead on our world numerous times; he has been mistakenly called the prince of this world, and the “devil.”


  1. Avatar Cosmicbiker

    Very astute synopsis of the Lucifer/Satan biz. How convenient to conjure up an equal to God to scare the crap out of his unsophisticated followers. However, that’s been going on for years. And according to fellow members of The Church of the Boogeyman, Satan can also make you buy male prostitutes and methamphetamines. Why don’t we just have a mass casting out by Ted Haggard’s Counsel of Four and protect all of us from Satan’s nefarious activities?

    1. Avatar Michael Hart

      Hello Cosmicbiker,
      Well you may have heard by now that Ted feels he “over-repented” for his past behavior, which means he’s got some repentance capital to spend, but I’d bet real munny he isn’t gonna spend it fighting Satan, but building a new revenue stream.

      Anyway, I see by your gorgeous avatar that you’re a Urantian, so your question must be tongue-in-cheek; since Jesus took care of Satan’s “nefarious activities” along time ago. It’s the Haggard Christians’ nefariousness-ness we need protection from. . . 😀

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