Terry Jones— Um, Make That Satan— Is Back In The News

 Posted by on September 12, 2010 at 6:06 AM
Sep 122010
 

Bernard Zebub has taken over public relations for Terry Jones’ clan of rebels.
If you want to smell the fear, you must click it.

GAINESVILLE — Tempers are flaring again in the backward community church of Pastor Terry Jones, who was nowhere in sight when a new spokesman for the church explained that their next big Media Grab will focus on burning not “Ko-rans”— but “Ko-re-ans.”  As in:  Evil North.  However, the small community of vintage furniture wankerdoodlers are reportedly divided over whether or not they should stick with sacred book burning, or move on to the exponentially more volatile practice of burning people.

Their new spokesman, Bernard “Bernie” L. Zebub, who volunteered he is known for his “inflammatory language and ability to manipulate press pussies,” says the church is advocating the burning of “certain people” who are, in Zebub’s opinion, clearly beyond redemption.  Zebub also told reporters he is an expert on the subject, and, gesturing to several men in mega-gay satin costumes with full dunce hoods, said that the burnings would be carried out by “professionals” who would ensure that no one would actually be burned to death;  that the goal was “eternal torment.”

Wearing a large button depicting Pastor Jones as a “useful idiot,”  Zebub said they would be rounding up any North Koreans unfortunate enough to be found in the greater Gainesville area, and on the evening of November 11th, rain or shine, they would be giving them an involuntary taste of “the Fires of Hell.”

Zebub was asked: “Mr. Zebub, why pick on the North Koreans?”

“Call me Bernie. But seriously— these people are pure eevil— I mean listen, have you ever seen a North Korean ‘film’?”

Zebub then challenged the several dozen incompetent incredulous reporters: “So what’s the big deal?” “You do know, don’t you, that the Christian Church has always promised that their God, Jehovah, Yawhoo, or whatever, will be sending everyone— not professing Christianity— to the fiery pits of Hell, where every last non-believing one of you will be burned for all eternity! Ha hah ha ha ha ha ha!  So as an act of Christian service we’re giving a few of you sure-fire evil-doers your bath of flames a tad bit early.”

By this time several of the Fux Noize reporters were covered in a thick, sticky coat of their own froth, and one of them managed to force a question through his spittle:  “But look, there aren’t any North Koreans in Gainesville;  so isn’t this just a tacky publicity stunt to garner more power and attention from “US”— The PRESS— that you don’t rightfully deserve?”

Zebub, clearly fired up over the question, erupted in gales of demoniacal laughter so authentic that several startled reporters fell to their knees;  and when they had regained their composure, Zebub, glowering at the shaken reporter, said that if there were insufficient numbers of actual North Koreans, they were prepared to burn several dozen effigies made by church members of North Korea’s evil leader, Kim Jong-il, dressed in a variety of snappy ensembles. The press was provided this single facsimile:

Asked if the small but now internationally-infamous Church of the Burning Book had singled out any other groups for future flames, Zebub said,
“Oh hell yes;  we’ve got a whole slate of biped burnings scheduled.  But we reserve the right to withhold that information from y’all until we disappear from the headlines of the various lame-stream rags you media-rhoids work for.  So we’ll be in touch.  In the mean time, I suggest you all better watch your asses.”

T_P_KI Wrote This.

Stirring the cosmic paint. Urantian first and last. Abide. Follow me on Twitter: @T_P_K

  4 Responses to “Terry Jones— Um, Make That Satan— Is Back In The News”

Comments (4)
  1.  

    Amazing, isn’t it? Christians professing to do God’s will wind up doing exactly the opposite— just what Satan would do if he wasn’t rotting in prison.

    •  

      Hi Frodomat,
      Welcome to USojo,
      …it’s that book fetish thing again, which can betray man into “bigotry, fanaticism, superstition, intolerance, and the most atrocious of barbarous cruelties.”
      Of course we jest about Satan being in the world; but not about “useful idiots” like Jones who inadvertently do his work.

  2.  

    i don’t see this happening, because it seems that uncle rupie murdoch is doing business with the north koreans. without faux news to rile up the masses, nothing will come of it.

    •  

      Dammit! My comment to you disappeared!
      I think I said, the Faux news anchors ignore Rupie completely, but they’re caught between a rock and their own duplicity on this one— it’s a hot story, but it’s also part of their base that is getting bashed; so what to do; Oh, let’s take the high road and not give this story our usual exaggerated coverage… how conveeeeenient.

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