AS THE UNITED STATES PREPARES for the onslaught of a grueling eighteen month long presidential campaign, the alternate universe fairytale crowd has begun to unleash a field of diminutive candidates that can most aptly be described in terms of that mother of all fairy tales, Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.
The original 1937 dwarfs were cave miners of mysteriously pre-cut jewels, little commies all, who shared everything in common. They even slept together. And like their namesakes, the Republican dwarfs of 2012 are also in perfect lockstep as they go hi-ho hi-ho-ing right down the toilet bowl of political history.
Led by surly blowhard real-lator¹ and 3-4 handicap golf tycoon, Donald Trump, who is busy today congratulating himself on “forcing the president to release” his birth certificate, (and thereby in one brilliant political stroke allowing president Obama to lay waste to the non-existent credibility of the nation’s conspiratorial morons and festering birther buffoons), these stocky, humanlike creatures have begun their ho-hum exploratory efforts to see who will give them the most munny for lying to Americans out loud in public.
Grab your pickaxe and let’s explore.
Red pickle eater, Ricky Santorum, is boldly pretending the internets haven’t ruined his reputation for life— hello— once a sexual neologism, always a sexual neologism. And it’s just a matter of time before one of their magical kingdom’s intrepid reporters discovers that Sleepy Pawlenty is a political narcoleptic, addicted to naturally occurring barbiturates, generated by the very air he breathes. Despite the fantastical powers of his underwear, Nopey Dopey Romney can’t fathom that two and a half wars isn’t really a “peacetime” expense, and Fatty Huckabee is adding back those massive pounds faster than you can deep fry a GOP elephant’s ass.
If you hurry on over to Wikipedia, (already fixed 🙂 ) you can read their intro to Snow Blite Bachmann as “. . .the first psychotic woman to represent the state [of Minnesota] in Congress.” While that assessment will probably disappear before the day is out, the real blight from Minnesota’s sixth district is going to be with the GOP a bit longer. But unlike the Teabag Queen, Bachmann actually holds elective office, and she has managed to ingratiate herself to the teatoons by imagining herself to be the exclusive princess of the Tea Party Caucus, effectively putting the Queen on notice that this is, after all, DO or STFU politics.
So, the only one who comes out of this vociferous gaggle alive and smelling like a gulf oil slick is Grumpy Haley Barbour. Fessing up, Grump flatly stated there’s just “. . .no fire in the belly” for the fight. Not even gonna speculate what does live in that bulging protuberance.
And then there’s Humpy. The original “Fatty,” he was forced by the other six dwarfs to change his name.
But even as the Captains of Industry start flaunting the Citizen’s United decision by stuffing great gobs ‘o cash into the dwarves’ goody jar, many lethargic thinkers on the left (citation needed) have so far failed to appreciate the gigantic contribution to American politics by the quartus spawn of Fred Christ Trump. A thrice-thumped bankruptee, Chumpy is in process of single-handedly sabotaging the Republican Party in a way that only the God of Irony could be orchestrating.
By blathering on about the birther bilge, Chumpy will force all the dwarves to get their half-assed opinions of this lunatic fringe fantasy on the public record, probably at the first debate; can’t wait. And now that the president has done everything but provide a certified film of his actual passage through his mother’s birth canal and onto the sands of Waikiki Beach, only the real chumps— like Chumpy— will be foolish enough to continue clinging to teh stupid base like stink on shit.
Finally, the real mental dwarves who make up the Drag America Back Tea Party/Birther/Muslim/Communist/Socialist fairytale of fear and ignorance will double down on stupid, inadvertently creating a swill of litmus potion so powerful, it will make the Wicked Queen‘s “Sleeping Death” brew seem like holy nectar. Go ahead. Indulge in the possibilities for the Democrats if Trump is the highest bidder for the GOP nomination, and Snow Blite crazies herself into the VP slot.
Yes, I’m an indefatigable optimist. Goodbye Republican House Majority. Goodbye Republican Senate Gridlock. Goodbye Republican Party.
Think she knows it’s really the heart of a pig?
¹ Real-lator — Nuke-cular— it must be genetic.