Jumping up and down like a demon-possessed succubus in a devilishly daring Satan suit, Michele Bachmann gave Herman Cain a little taste of hell on earth as he met with a couple of his top 9-9-9 advisers, Little Caesar, and Charles “Chucky” Chiez.
Herman Cain likes to say, “Surround yourself with the right people.” And, if it turns out they’re not the right people, well, “blame yourself.” Or blame Michele Bachmann, who has insinuated that Cain may be surrounding himself with the Devil; apparently all you have to do to see this is true is turn Cain’s “9-9-9” upside down.
Bachmann appeared uninvited and out of nowhere at a recent Herman Cain “Off The Plantation” fundraiser, dressed in a Foxy-looking Halloween costume complete with plastic pitchfork and satinet horns. Her insinuation was, obviously, of course, most assuredly, for reals, a joke… Until you remember that Bachmann believes the devil is no joke— he’s real, red, and doughy-looking, and he can somehow invade the human mind to influence the decisions of human beings— especially her political opponents.
Well, for the moment, forget that Michele Bachmann is run-away screaming crazy, and a victim of Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia (pronounced: hexa koseeoi hexe konta hexaphobia). And forget the fact that a presidential candidate thinks joking about the number 666 as the “sign of the beast” is taken seriously outside of Bachmann’s church.
And while we’re forgetting Republican presidential candidate gaffes, forget that Cain’s 9-9-9 plan has been called a “distributional monstrosity.” Forget that the poor would pay still more tax from their meager income, and the rich would have their already ridiculously low taxes cut even more. Forget that Cain still refuses to give the details of his plan. Forget that he won’t ever be able to tell you who the president of “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan” is. But. He can tell you that a couple of his closest economic advisers, Little Caesar, and Charles “Chucky” Cheiz, neither of which is a real economist, have provided him with a devilishly simple tax system that bears a striking resemblance to the one in SimCity 4.
Speaking to reporters between gulps of devil pizza and jumbo buckets of coke at the Koch Brothers Plantation, Mr. Caesar put it this way: “An easy to understand, three digit taxation system like Nine-Nine-Nine will allow 99% of Americans to focus on having fun thwarting giant lizard attacks, rather than be buried by overly complex financial systems.”
And speaking of “buried,” it’s a good time to remember just how much it’s going to cost you and your loved ones to take a comfy dirt nap under Cain’s Nine-Nine-Nine tax system. Let’s say you’ve eaten your last devil pizza after exhausting the family’s life savings fighting, oh, say, esophageal cancer. You need an eighteen gauge steel casket with a light pink velvet interior, with free ground shipping. Under the current inequitable tax system, the average 99%er pays 14% tax on that $900 dollar bone box, or $1026. Under the Herminator‘s 9-9-9 plan, you’ll be paying 27%— or $1143.
Even using Michele Bachmann‘s upside-down math practices, a Tea Party sap should be able to figure out that extra $117 will buy you a hell of a lot more pizza.