“Bob” Langurson is the latest biped to announce he’s going to primary Trump.
SAN DIEGO — Not intimidated by the primary process and encouraged by the continually improving odds, Eugene “Bob” Langurson announced Monday, at the Primate Pavilion at the San Diego Zoo, that he will be trying to unseat incumbent Donald Trump for the Republican nomination in the 2020 presidential election.
Langurson, a self-described “mongrel,” laughs out loud when asked about his “genetic background.” “That’s funny to me, you know, because I like, never see or hear any of you press guys asking that orange Trump character about his background. Langurson is quick to add, “Despite my name, I’m not related to the ‘Langur monkeys.’ Next to humans, the Macaque family, from which I derive, are like, the most widespread primate genus, ranging from Japan to Afghanistan.”
Taking a leisurely 80 seconds to scratch himself, he eventually continues: “You’re no doubt aware that several species of macaques have been used extensively in animal testing, particularly in the neurosciences. In fact, my mother was a neuroscientist, and well, that’s how she met my father.” Reacting to a few titters from the crowd of reporters, Langurson says, “I know what you’re thinking, because you’re typical human beings; always like, in the gutter. But I’ll be releasing my birth certificate, along with a one hour video which details the completely ethical way in which I was created. Will Trump do the same? I doubt it.”
When asked about his chances of getting anywhere with a primary challenge, Langurson scratched his head vigorously for several seconds, and says, “Call me Bob. Listen. I admit that it’s going to be an uphill battle. And I know that many in my own party will automatically dismiss me because they’re up Putin’s backside with Trump, Moscow’s Bitch Mitch, and a shocking number of others, and also because they think I look like a monkey, so I mus… — hey— hey is that fruit?? I lovvvvvvvvves me some fruit, guys; gimme gimme…”
Birthplace: Wang Male Scholar Neuroscience Labs
Heritage: Part black crested macaque monkey, part lab partner experiment
Personal Beliefs: Fruit rules. Anybody can be president.
Languages: English, Macaquenese
Biggest Obstacle To GOP Nomination: Almost everything
Greatest Accomplishment: Learning to wear a suit and tie
Favorite Band: Nuclear Baboons
Favorite T-shirt Slogan: “I tried to be normal once; worst two minutes of my life.”
Most Similar Political Rival: Donald Trump