A Message From Your Emperor:
Hello American people, as I begin my very important first trip to another great hemisphere, I want to tell you that I will be thinking and working for you while I’m busy doing other things, believe me. You know how much I loved my previous life, you know I had so many things going. I was building the world’s greatest buildings, all over the world. But not in Russia. Zero in Russher [sic]. This is more work than in my previous life, that I can tell you. I thought it would be easier, I thought, you know, I can shoot somebody now and nobody will care, right?
And I absolutely CAN fire anyone I want to, and I thought after the huge numbers, the record setting crowds at my inauguration, there were so many people there, that. . . [aside to camera man]: Here, you can take that, that’s the final map of the numbers. It’s pretty good, right? The red is obviously us. Amazing right?
So as I was saying, Director Comey, who I just fired, was very unpopular, you know, with almost everyone, and another problem, one, he was just too tall, taller than the president, and two, that’s not a good thing, believe me; I was thinking I was going to fire him for that horrible Wednesday thing he did, but really he was just really too tall for the job, so there was no choice.
And I gave my ADDress to the cadets the other day, who were very glad to see me, they know how big our victory was, despite the electoral college being stacked against us. I mean, you’re really into your own little cocoon here, I’m under very great pressure here, because you have such massive protection that you really can’t go anywhere.
I mean, I always like to drive. I like to drive; but I can’t drive any more. I can’t drive any more. Even though I’m a very fantastic driver, I’ve probably driven better than anyone, as good as you know, any non-professional, really. And maybe many professionals; I mean who knows, right? But I have, I had the gloves, very nice leather, all very fine leather, with the little holes for breathing, I was very very good. Such a good driver. Now I can’t drive, I’m too popular, and a few bad people make it impossible for me to drive down the street. Very sad.
Frankly, I’m working so hard this 100 days, we’re doing incredible things, just incredible things here, and at the Southern White House, where I get a lot, an enormous amount of work done for our great American people; some of the people, not all of them, but most of them. But things are not always fair; not fair; look at the way I’ve been treated lately; especially by the horrible media. Horrible people.
No politician in history has been treated worse, or more unfairly. But nothing worth doing ever, ever, ever came easy to me, yet you look at my numbers— no not my tax numbers, nobody wants to see those anyway, right— I’ve accomplished a tremendous amount in a very short time ; very short time as president. Jobs are pouring back in, back in to our country, a BRAND NEW supreme court justice is going to be fantastic for forty-five years; border crossings are down 70% in just a very short period of time; a total record, by the way, by… a LOT; we’ve SAVED the second amendment, and we’re going to take care of our veterans, like they’ve never been taken care of before; that I can tell you. Thank you very much. Thank you. [Thumbs up]