What A Cool Extraterrestrial Alien Would Actually Say If One Made Contact With Us

Extraterrestrial Alien KLAATU
Yes this dude looks familiar, he’s KLAATU, from the 1951 B film, The Day The Earth Stood Still, often considered a sci-fi classic by the less imaginative among us. We love him anyway.

SINCE EARTHLINGS LACK the means of expedient intergalactic travel, formal contact with an extraterrestrial alien from another world will necessarily be their choice. This implies they really have a reason for contacting us, since they could have made contact whenever they wanted.  Maybe.

So let’s make a few general presumptions about what an extraterrestrial alien might be like.  Let’s say. . .

  • They are symmetric and attractive humanoid bipeds, with fingers, toes, eyes, nose, ears, mouth with normal teeth. In other words, they look just like us.
  • They are highly advanced intellectually, technologically, culturally, and spiritually.
  • Their civilization is many times older than ours.
  • Of course they have come in peace, to welcome us as a neighboring planet.
  • They are acting on behalf of a large federation of advanced worlds.
  • They were chosen to represent their federation to us, because they are the most genetically similar to our planetary type of creature.
  • They do their homework: they are fluent in all of our major earth languages.
  • They are relatively aware of our social, moral, and political life.
  • They are willing to answer most of our questions about them, their world, the other worlds in their federation, and the universe as they know and understand it— for many thousands of years longer than we have.
Extraterrestrial Alien Gomer
I. M. Gessing, star of stage and screen

What follows is an admittedly improbable,  but reasonable though hypothetical, nationally televised “FIRST ALIEN INTERVIEW EVER” with our host, I. M. Gessing . . .

GESSING: Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of all the citizens of earth, I would like to welcome you to the “FIRST REAL ALIEN INTERVIEW EVER.” Here with me today is Mr. KLAAT-TU, who claims to be speakin’ on behalf of… thee… “Galactic Council of the Worlds of Nor..lashia-dek.”

KLAATUNorlatiadek.  It has a soft “t.”

GESSING: So Mr. KLAAT-TU, can you begin by tellin’ us, just where have you come from?

KLAATU: Just “KLAATU.”

GESSING: Ah. Klaatu. Got it.

KLAATU: We have traveled four months, three weeks, and two days of your time, and just over 132 of your light years.

GESSING:  Golllee. . . And jist how is that even possible?

KLAATU:  Our technology is beyond your comprehension;  but, as you can see, I am here.

GESSING:  Yes indeed, “I see you!”  Ha! … Uh, that’s a line from an alien film, “Avatar”?  Mm, so, I gotta say, you look exactly like us!  Am I right?

KLAATU:  It is true I was chosen precisely because I am physically very much like what you refer to as your white race;  at least that was true before my original race was completely admixed with all seven of the races of my world, centuries ago.

GESSING: I see, I see… I think.  So. If you’re reallly from way way out there, not sayin’ your not— but a lotta them think you’re from North Hollywood— so can you tell our vast global audience just what brings you to our necka the woods?

KLAATU: I see what you did there.  Your world is very far from the “neck,” if you catch my meaning.  (direct eye contact)
We understand your world has suffered immensely from previous miscarriages of planetary administration, and as a consequence has been become more than a dispensation behind normal world progress. Subsequently, you’ve been laboring under a planetary “quarantine” since the days of the Rebellion precipitated by Lucifer.  However, it has only recently been lifted, and we now are free to welcome you into the surrounding fraternity of inhabited worlds.  With certain limitations and provisos, of course.

GESSING:  “Miscarriages??  Gollly, we don’t know nuthin’ about any miscarriages, or any “rebellion.” Is that a STAR WARS reference?  That movie had some rebels.  But yes sir, some of our religions believe Lucifer is none other than the “devil.”  Is that who you’re talkin’ about?

KLAATU:  Exactly so. They were all fallen beings;  many of whom spurned all offers of divine mercy.  We understand the entire episode is nearing complete adjudication. Soon they will be as if they had never been.
Also, your dispensational Adam and Eve became enmeshed in default during the Lucifer Rebellion, as did your mostly unrecognized planetary sovereign of those days. . . it is a lengthy story;  perhaps best saved for another time.

GESSING:  Well gollllly. . .  It sure sounds like you know more about this planet than I do!

KLAATU:  There are a great many important details we are prepared to share.

GESSING:  Well Golllleee that’s just fascinatin’.  But we don’t know a blasted thing about what it’s like in your neck a the woods;  do you have, like, flyin’ cars and stuff?  The Jetsons had flyin’ cars. . .

KLAATU:  Your colloquialisms grow tiresome. (uncomfortable silence)
We hail from a world long settled in “Light and Life.” Our races and peoples long ago blended into one race, with one language evolved out of many. We live together in peace. War has become a matter of history;  there are no armies or police forces.  Our government is gradually disappearing;  individual self-control has rendered the laws of our own enactment obsolete.  Shall I continue?

GESSING: Sure thing.

KLAATU:  In our advanced state of civilization, the extent of our civil government and statutory regulation is in inverse proportion to the morality and spirituality of our citizenship. The majority of our social and administrative posts are held jointly by men and women.  Most of the teaching is also done jointly;  likewise, all judicial trusts are discharged by similar associated couples.

Science, art, and industry have long flourished, and our society is a smoothly working mechanism of high material, intellectual, and cultural achievement.
Most of our industry has been diverted to serving the higher aims of our civilization. Our economic life has become ethical;  poverty and social inequality have all but vanished;  degeneracy has disappeared, and any sort of delinquency is rarely observed.

US:  Well that’s just amazin’.

KLAATU: Our schools are devoted to the training of mind and the expansion of soul.  Our art centers are exquisite;  and our musical organizations are superb, and highly advanced.  Literature and oratory flourish, and our language is symbolic of concepts as well as expressive of ideas.

Life is refreshingly simple for us;  we have a high state of mechanical development and intellectual attainment, which are overshadowed with an exquisite spiritual achievement.  The world-wide pursuit of happiness is an experience of joy and satisfaction for our entire planet.

GESSING: Well uh, that’s jist a lot to take in.  It’s um, hard to believe, really. . .

KLAATU: Our provisions for competitive play, humor, and other phases of personal and group achievement are, shall we say, ample and appropriate.
A special feature of the competitive activities of our peoples concerns the efforts of individuals and groups to excel in the sciences, and the various philosophies of cosmology.

Our temples of worship, with their associated schools of philosophy and experiential religion, are creations of the highest beauty and even grandeur.
We have many open-air arenas of worshipful assembly, which are sublime in their simplicity and artistic appointment.

GESSING:  Wait— Are you sayin’ that your world has only one religion, too?

KLAATU:  Yes, of course. Does this confound you?

GESSING:  Well as you may know, people on our world are free to worship as they please, in the way they please, or even not at all.  Some folks don’t have any belief in a “God” of any sort.

KLAATU: Yes, we know this.  That was also the case on our world many centuries ago.

GESSING: Cen— centuries ago??

KLAATU: Yes.  One hundred seventeen centuries, to be exact.

GESSING: That’s. . . that’s uh, I jist. . .  that’s a long time…

KLAATU: I can imagine it must seem so;  we understand that, since the incarnation of Michael as the Son of God on your world, who we know was summarily attached to a cross of wood, with nails — (gestures to wrists) that your world has had no visible representatives from the spiritual world, and that belief in the Creators is increasingly, shall we say, unpopular.

GESSING: Ah. No, not Michael, I think “Michael” was some kind of angel.  But I think you must mean Jesus.  We crucified Jesus 2,000 years ago.  Some religions here still believe he rose from the dead.  But many other people believe that’s all hooie, I mean, ya know, a made-up story.

KLAATU: How sad.

GESSING: Yes, the nailing, that was ah, simply barbarous, I suppose you would say.
Oh— oh, you mean— sad that our people think it’s a made-up story?

KLAATU:  Yes.

GESSING:  Oh. Well;  we live in a pretty advanced scientific world ourselves, you know. . .

KLAATU:  Really.  All the enlightened worlds in our system know the entire story of how our Creator Son was put to death on your world, which we call Urantia.

GESSING:  Yur— Yur ranch? What is that?

KLAATU:  Yur-Rann-Cha.  U-R-A-N–T-I-A.  Another soft “t.”

GESSING: Ah.  You mean to say, that you all, um, all your “enlightened” worlds, they all know and believe the story about Jesus?

KLAATU:  Of course.  I know where of I speak.

GESSING: . . .Well I’ll be. . .  It’s just that—

KLAATU: For many thousands of years, our world has been blessed with the presence of several celestial beings— teachers— including our own Adam and Eve, and many other spiritual teachers, who are not yet revealed to you;  but they all know the truth of these things.  Indeed:  your world is infamously known throughout our Local Universe as “The World of the Cross.”

GESSING: Uh, well that’s, that’s us all right. . .

KLAATU: We also know there exists great confusion on your world about God, divinity, and deity. We know there is still more confusion and uncertainty about the relationships of the divine personalities designated by these appellations.
Because of this conceptual poverty, associated with so much ideational confusion, we have come to share the perspective of our Federation, about the true nature of our Universe; at least as we understand it.

GESSING:  Um, sure, this is, just, ya know. . . rather sudden and all, and it is realllly gonna cause some major ripples all around our planet.

KLAATU:  We understand.  However, the time for those “ripples” has come.

GESSING:  Well gollly. . .  So I guess that means you’re plannin’ on stayin’ for awhile, then?

KLAATU:  Yes.  A thousand years.

GESSING:  HOEEE!!  A thousand!?  Alrighty then.  But I’m afraid right now we’re gonna hafta take a commercial break, and we’ll return with our “First Real Alien Interview Ever” in just seven and a half minutes; so don’t go anywhere!  When we come back, I’ll be askin’ our brand new space friend here, Mr. KLAAT-TU, what his favorite hamburger joint is on our planet. . .
(Commercial break begins)

KLAATU:  Seriously?

GESSING: What?  Are you tellin’ me you don’t eat meat?

KLAATU: Sigh.

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