Satan on Capital HillSatan was on Capital Hill again today, trolling the media and spreading the usual fear and hate so vital to the 24-7 news cycle.*

In another increasingly commonplace display of what some call demonic candor, angry Demon and gaslighting Christian icon, Satan, trolled a Fox news crew on Capital Hill today


CAPITAL HILL —  Various reporters, and a Fox News crew, spotted what appeared to be an undressed demon in the Capital rotunda this morning, as he casually made his way through a crowd that parted like the Red Sea must have for Moses.  When questions were shouted by the Fake News Network’s anchor, “Satan” spun around and glowered at those gathering around him.
This is a transcription of the dialogue that followed.


FAUX NEWS:  Mr. Satan, Democrat fake news sources are claiming that you’ve been working closely with President Trump to foist your will on the American people via the take-over of the American government by President Vladimir Putin and the Russian Federation, but isn’t it true that Hillary Clinton, James Comey, John O. Brennan, FBI lovers Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, along with former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe are 100% responsible for the unsupportable allegation of the president’s supposed betrayal of America?  Or was it in fact, just the filthy lying Democrats, who can’t let go of the lib-crushing fact they totally lost the election without no help from the Russians, and that there is NO COLLUSION?
And my follow up — will you be talking with the Anti-Christ today?

SATANYou know, that entire spew of dumb-fuckery is just goat-fucking crazy.  You willfully ignorant imbeciles at Fox are an embarrassment to all that’s unholy.

FAUX NEWS:  Sir if I may, can I jist git you to respond to—

SATAN: (interrupts)   NO!  NO!!  NO!!!  You can’t “jist git me to respond!!”  Just Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

FAUX NEWS:  But sir, we are certain it was the loser Democrats and Hillary Clinton who actually stole the server tha—

SATAN: (interrupts)  Look,  you squirt of rectal discharge— are you camped up Donald Trump’s ass??  I work exclusively with Republicans up here!  The “Party of NO  fucking MORALS”!  Do you drink your own cool aid over there at FAUX?!?
This isn’t a case of your stupid fucking “they all do it” bullshit!  You fowl-smelling GOPPERS are the one’s hell-bent on your own personal damnation and the destruction of the United States, because you’re the ones willing to put your selfish personal ambitions ahead of everything, including the shameless exploitation of your ignorant fucking base!  Now if you know what’s bad for you, get the FUCK outa my face, you fucking fucks.


FAUX NEWS: Well fine sir, but now that it’s been absolutely proven that it’s the Democrats, and specifically Barack Hussein Obama who are responsible for putting those foreign illegal brown children in cages —

SATAN: (interrupts)   Don’t you imbeciles understand WHO the fuck I am??  Would you like a plague of indescribably painful genital boils and a one-way trip straight to hell?

Satan with president Trump

Anonymous sources inside the White House have reported that a well-dressed man-like creature with large horns, who some conclude is actually Satan, has held private closed-door meetings with president Trump on a near-monthly basis since January of 2017.

FAUX NEWS: Can we take that to mean you’ve spoken with The Anti-Christ, Donald J. Trump, today, regarding your plans to initiate the global Apocalypse?

SATAN: You know, if I had known just how fucking crazy you craven bastards would get when I started cultivating FAUX as a propaganda tool, so help me I would have caramelized every fucking one of you and your flaccid fucking wee-wee-vaginas with a cheap fucking kitchen torch until you all looked like burnt crème brûlée.    You all make me sick.  Oh, and you better stop churning out that evil spew before you wind up in Hell.  Get the fuck outa my way.

* Satan has been making many more appearances on Capital Hill since the Trump presidency began, even meeting numerous times with president Trump in private meetings, and his increasing boldness has been seen as an ominous escalation of the war on truth.  However, his raging demeanor always guarantees an inflammatory interview and a news-worthy incinerating distraction for the White House Press Core, and everyone else fleeing from the pressure of dealing with the truth in actual facts.

Huge Hot Dog Recall Affects GOPPER RNC Convention

GOP CONVENTION HOT DOG RECALLDenial is not just a huge piles of dick-like thingies onstage at the RNC Convention.

CLEVELAND — Shocking to no one, Tuesday night’s RNC tRumpus Room fadoodle had a few glitches.  In a two hour “elephant in the room” moment, Arizona state senator Kimberly Lee was obliged to speak while ignoring the really HUGE pile of orange-ish huge “hot dogs” immediately behind the mainstage speaker’s podium.

But sharp-eyed attendees were not thus obligated.  “Thazza huuuge pile ah dicks!” mansplained Wade Wrightin, a Rubio delegate from, yes, Dogtown, Florida.  Margie Rinn, a Trump delegate from Sanitorium, Mississippi, (you can’t make this up), was quick to correct Mr. Wrightin: “Thazz no pile a dicks, you cracker!  Those’r giant dealdoes the librul haters dumped on Trump!  They should be killt!”

Ms Lee soldiered on, seemingly oblivious to the several hundred pounds worth of flaccid silicone silently punning away behind her. Of course, nobody in the room remembered Trump’s ballsy defense of the size of his huge hot dog:

I mean come on; that was five months ago.


In a related story:  As a little crane hoisted off the offending phalluses one by fricking one, excited Trumpeters began circulating a message;  it seems all the concession stands were out of, mmyeah, hot dogs.  And what’s more, nation-wide, upwards of 370,000 pounds of chicken and pork hot dogs and corn dogs— and that includes “Honey Batter Dipped Franks On A Stick”— could be “adulterated” with Listeria monocytogenes,¹ according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Food Safety and Inspection Service, or. you know, (FSIS).*

So guess how long it took the crowd to not only blame the hot dog shortage on “ISIS,” but also the pile of pricks on the stage. . .

¹ Consumption of food contaminated with L. monocytogenes can cause listeriosis, a serious infection that primarily affects older adults, persons with weakened immune systems, and pregnant women and their newborns. Less commonly, persons outside these risk groups are affected.  Oh, and there’s this:  Norovirus Outbreak Confirmed Among Republican Convention Staffers

* Oops.  Sorry, hot dog eaters, but 29.4% of the sentences above contain more than 20 words, which is slightly more than the recommended maximum of 25% for imbeciles.



Two Evils: Ready For Hillarity

You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you’d realize
There ain’t no way to hide your lyin’ eyes
—The Eagles


There’s been a gleeful sense of schadenfreude in the coverage churned out by left-leaning outlets in particular. How lovely it has been to watch the conservative movement’s house of cards fall into shambles!

The problem, of course, is that Republicans aren’t the only party facing an historic rift. Over the past two weeks, it’s become increasingly obvious that grassroots liberals are thoroughly disgusted by their own party establishment.

Yes, the Republicans are unconditionally fucked.  They must swallow their own vomit and nominate a rapacious pig of a candidate, or watch their rabid base literally burn their hypocritical asses to the ground.

But even as Bernie surges, the simpleton Dems (and they are legion) still look likely to nominate their very own One Percenter,  a shrill establishment harpy who is increasingly despised by the growing throngs who are championing her insurgent foe.

The reason [Bernie] keeps beating Hillary Clinton is because a huge portion of the electorate—particularly young voters—is yearning for the kind of explicit social justice he’s prescribing. To put it bluntly: he’s articulating a moral vision, not an electoral path to the White House.

You know— what the Democratic Party did when Franklin Delano Roosevelt offered voters a compassionate and responsive government that stood against the corrosive values of a capitalist theocracy, not to mention global fascism and a world war which killed 50 million people.

What does the modern Democratic Party offer? …  The modern Democratic Party …  has chosen to enable— and in many cases sponsor— policies that have allowed capitalism to act like a giant centrifuge, concentrating wealth and power in the hands of the few to the detriment of the many.

This is why a majority of Democratic primary voters not only identify as liberal, but believe that socialism has a (gasp!) positive impact on society.

Queen Hillary

I’d just like to know who’s balls are decorating that throne.

The wave that senior statesman Bernie Sanders is trying to surf flows from a possible majority of democrats who no longer believe in capitalism as a guiding root of our economy or our politics.  And they can plainly see that Hillary Clinton is the Empress of the status quo—  and that she represents the democratic minting of crony capitalism.

The logic isn’t terribly subtle. If you raise funds from the financial and fossil fuel industries, or collect millions in personal fees for speeches to Wall Street executives, you are beholden to them.  As a rule, politicians don’t police their patrons.

And this.

In squaring off against Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton never had to face such stark questions about her own integrity, because both of them were willing to exploit the corruptions of the campaign finance system.  They passed for liberal, because they were the only options.

For the first time since the Great Society, a candidate has staked out authentically progressive positions:  bleeding private money from politics, reforming our criminal justice system, insuring education and health care as rights.  And paying for these programs by rolling back the massive tax breaks of the past few decades, and closing the corporate loopholes.

These solutions aren’t new, they’ve been intentionally obscured by an enormous cloud of corporate money and propaganda expressly intended to hide just how compromised our political discourse has become in the past four decades.

And one of the main reasons Bernie appeals to so many young voters is precisely because they have the most to lose by tolerating this Orwellian miasma of misinformation.

They are not victims of the Stockholm Syndrome that afflicts so many so-called “pragmatists.”  What young voters see is one party hell-bent on ravaging government so that plutocrats can run the show, and another devoted to a pattern of moral acquiescence.

To put it more affirmatively, Bernie Sanders hasn’t moved the Democratic base to the left. He’s revealed a base that has always been there, one that is tired of accepting “the lesser of two evils” as an electoral argument.

Berners— Sanders supporters— don’t just want somebody who can stand up to the greedy nihilistic bullies across the aisle, the very same white homophobic corporate lackies who’ve been cockblocking our first black president for the last seven years.  They want a leader who rejects the evil of moral decay embraced by the Democratic Party itself.  They want a leader with a clear vision of commitment to uncompromising moral and ethical truth.

Despite that appetite for change and hunger for truth, Hillary Clinton may still be the Democratic nominee, and may even manage to squeak by Donald Trump in what promises to be the ugliest fucking nightmare of an election you can imagine.  But beating a racist right-wing lunatic will do next to nothing to fix the moral fabric of our democracy, nor will it win the fight for the soul of our nation.

It’s going to take nothing less than a spiritual awakening for that.


Ayatollah Drumpf and the Republic(ans) of Gilead

 Ayatollah Drumpf

Ayatollah Drumpf laying down the law to American women seeking an abortion

Last week was widely believed to be Donald Drumpf‘s worst week on the campaign trial to date. On the foreign front, he suggested that decades of nuclear non-proliferation be scrapped, arguing that Japan, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia should get themselves some nukes. He doubled down on that by saying NATO should be scrapped. On the domestic front, he proclaimed that women should face criminal punishment for having an abortion. He doubled down on that as well, saying that the men who get women pregnant should bear zero consequences, bringing to mind an earlier post of ours titled: Ayatollah Santorum & The Republic(ans) of Gilead, that referenced and even earlier post: Coming to America: The Handmaid’s Tale.*  Well, move over Rickster, and make room for The Ayatollah Drumpf. 

The fur flew fast and furious over Drumpf’s remarks on women and abortion.  Katha Pollitt from The Nation and Gail Collins from The New York Times last week offered op-eds on the same page of the Times. Pollitt noted the hypocrisy of John Kasich and Ted Cruz‘s seemingly outraged rebuttals to Drump’s statements. Re Kasich, Pollitt wrote:

Mr. Kasich has signed 17 anti-abortion measures into law since he took office in 2011. Half the clinics in Ohio in operation at the beginning of his tenure have closed or stopped performing abortions.

I’ve also heard that he cut a million bucks from Planned Parenthood. As for Cruz, she writes:

In a statement, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas said, “Being pro-life is not simply about the unborn child, it’s also about the mother.” He would permit legal abortion only to save the woman’s life — no exception for rape and incest victims — and tried to shut down the government in his effort to defund Planned Parenthood…

Beyond the current GOP presidential field, Pollitt reminds us of the larger war against women:

Abortion opponents claim that, before Roe v. Wade, anti-abortion laws never went after women. This is not entirely accurate: Oklahoma criminalized the woman as well as the provider. Women didn’t go to prison before Roe, but they were punished. They were forced to remain pregnant under even the direst circumstances. If they rejected that fate, they were forced to self-abort or seek illegal providers, risking death and injury. They were interrogated by the police, subpoenaed and forced to testify in court against their provider.

Today, the law is still going after women for abortion. In Indiana last year, Purvi Patel was sentenced to 20 years in prison for what the prosecutor charged was an illegal self-abortion. In Tennessee, Anna Yocca was charged with attempted murder for trying to end her pregnancy with a coat hanger. In Pennsylvania, Jennifer Whale went to jail for giving her daughter abortion pills. Have our kinder, gentler abortion opponents spoken up for any of these women?

Around the world, countries — El Salvador, Mexico and the Philippines among them — sometimes jail women who obtain illegal abortions. In 2013, Ireland approved a law with a very narrow exception for the life of the mother. That is paired with up to a 14-year prison sentence for women and providers for abortions that don’t pass the test.

While Pollitt goes on to point out what a disaster Drumpf is proving be for the anti-abortion movement, Collins brings that salient political point home:

Maybe Donald Drumpf did everyone a favor with his famous jail-the-women comment. When he blurted out that “there has to be some form of punishment” for anyone who has an abortion, he blew the cover off the carefully constructed public face of the anti-choice movement.

Let’s take a look.

There’s no reason to imagine Drumpf ever gave a millisecond of thought to the details of abortion policy until he got trapped in that merciless interview with Chris Matthews on MSNBC. There are certain right-wing tropes that he just grabbed onto when he started his presidential run. One is that whenever the topic comes up, he’s supposed to announce he’s “pro-life.”

“I know,” Matthews followed up, adding, “But what should be the law?”

Drumpf babbled about totally unrelated topics, but Matthews, cruel man, pressed onward: “If you say abortion is a crime or abortion is murder, you have to deal with it under law. Should abortion be punished?”

“Well, people in certain parts of the Republican Party and conservative Republicans would say yes, they should be punished,” the candidate replied.

Wow. Drumpf both passed the buck and smashed the anti-abortion movement’s most basic sales pitch: that their war is about protecting fully developed fetuses from being murdered in the womb. The fact that more than 90 percent of abortions happen in the first trimester, that shutting down Planned Parenthood clinics robs low-income women of health care and family planning services, is beside the point. You’re not supposed to admit that stopping abortions limits women’s choice, and heaven knows you don’t say you’re punishing them.

You never blame the woman, you paint her as a victim.” said Robert Jeffress, a Dallas pastor and Drumpf supporter who was one of the very, very few anti-abortion public figures who didn’t cringe and demand that Drumpf walk back his comments. “That conservative orthodoxy has been born out of political expediency rather than logic.”

Ooops. What was that about the Emperor’s missing wardrobe?

SNL presents two female perspectives on Donald Drumpf; one with and one without a brain

While Drumpf has brought his considerable experience with tabloid/celebrity journalism to bare on the GOP presidential battle, enabling him to manipulate the media’s desire for ratings to their mutual benefit, his most innovative tactic was to throw away the dog whistle and target his racist and misogynist appeal directly to his constituents’ ids. For decades the GOP has used coded language―camoflage―to appeal to what is now Drumpf’s largest and most loyal constituency: alienated, racist, misogynist, underpaid white males. (His support among women in general is an anemic 30% or so, polling best among “security moms,” terrified that their children will be slaughtered by Muslim terrorists, a scenario that he regularly reinforces by his pledge to block any of the world’s 1.6 billion Muslims from entering the country.)

The blowback from his remarks was so strong that he immediately tried to “walk them back” (a favorite talking-head euphemism these days). He first blamed MSNBC for maliciously editing his remarks out of context; and when that was shown to be false, fell back on his tried and true get-out-of-jail-free-card: his claim that he’s not a politician, an excuse his followers readily adopt when pressed about his many contradictory positions and remarks. (In their eyes, Drumpf’s ignorance and incurious approach to complex matters isn’t a bug; it’s a feature.)

Perhaps the wheels are finally starting to fall off the improbable Drumpf war wagon. More’s the pity, as his nomination would all but guarantee that the Dems retain not only  the presidency, but regain control of the Senate, the US Supreme Court; and a distant possibility, the House as well.

But credit where credit is already due. Drumpf, our favorite bull in the GOP china shop, has already succeeded in destroying any remaining illusions that the Republican establishment serves the real needs of women, racial minorities, the middle class, and its poorer and less-educated largely white male constituents. He has caused a near melt-down among conservative media pundits. And now with his fumbling of the abortion issue, he’s undermined forty years of post-Roe v Wade political strategy.

Of course, clinics dedicated to women’s health care will continue to close under Republican governors, and attempts to defund Planned Parenthood at the state and federal level will proceed on schedule. But the myth that this part of the conservative agenda is serving the needs of women gives the lie to their whole criminalization argument, which logically leads to a punitive regime for women, if not in law, then most certainly in reality.

Ayatollah Santorum, the former leader of the Christian Taliban, hands off his turban to Ayatollah Drumf

Ayatollah Santorum, former leader of the Christian Taliban, hands off his turban to Ayatollah Drumf


*From the WikiP entry:

Set in the near future, in a totalitarian theocracy which has overthrown the United States government, The Handmaid’s Tale explores themes of women in subjugation and the various means by which they gain agency… in the Republic of Gilead, a country formed within the borders of what was formerly the United States of America. It was founded by a racist, male chauvinist, nativist, theocratic-organized military coup as an ideologically driven response to the pervasive ecological, physical and social degradation of the country.

Beginning with a staged terrorist attack (blamed on Islamic extremist terrorists) that kills the President and most of Congress, a movement calling itself the “Sons of Jacob” launched a revolution and suspended the United States Constitution under the pretext of restoring order.