John McCain

John McCain

August 29, 1936 – August 25, 2018

John McCain was the sometimes Episcopalian, sometimes Baptist Christian, who got his religion the old fashion way— by praying in a situation where his ass was on the line.  And frankly, it was among the most exciting come-to-Jesus moments one may have, I think.

But oddly, not one that always necessarily rises above an intellectual, emotional conversion, to the lofty plateau of a spiritual one.

Jesus is certainly aware of McCain’s suffering in Vietnam, extending from the moment he was shot down while flying his 23rd bombing mission over North Vietnam.  He was hauled out of Truc Bach Lake near Hanoi, by a dozen or so angry young men, to become the captive of the very men, women, and children he had been dropping napalm on a few minutes earlier; he was stabbed with a bayonet, and his shoulder was crushed with the butt of a rifle, but they did not slay him. He became a prisoner of war who was regularly and brutally beaten and tortured for five and a half years.   He was eventually freed, and until Saturday, August 25th, of 2018, he still drew breath.

And before that, the Lord heard John McCain when he said, “Now that I’ve seen what the bombs and the napalm did to the people on our ship, I’m not so sure that I want to drop any more of that stuff on North Vietnam.”

Jesus is also aware that, despite John McCain’s awakening to the fact the jellied gasoline he’d been dropping on human beings was not unlike “that stuff” that burned 138 of his crewmen to death— and nearly him too— when a rocket errantly fired on the deck of the U.S.S. Forrestal, that he continued to do it anyway.

And rest assured his professed Master and Savior took note of him when he shew his guidance for the Christian nation he would lead by opining: “There will be more wars.”

And many years later the Creator of us all heard John McCain when he intentionally mis-sang the Beach Boys lyric from their song “Barbara Ann,” as  “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.”

And Jesus said, “Love your enemies.”  John McCain will be forgiven.

May he rest in peace.

The President’s Cup Runneth Over


Puerto Rico Hurricane Maria

Jose Garcia Vicente points to the pile of rubble, compliments of Hurricane Maria, that used to be his home. Notice too, located in what used to be his kitchen, is The President’s Cup, which is annually awarded to the winners of a fucking golf tournament;  this year the trophy did double duty, also being dedicated to “all the people of Texas, Florida, and Puerto Rico” who “have been affected” by recent hurricanes. Well played, sir;  well fucking played.¹


AIBONITO, PUERTO RICO —  President and fulltime game show host, Donald J. TRump, was spotted while not tweeting on Sunday as he prepared to award some losers winners in striped shirts, The President’s Cup trophy— a nasty looking gold-plated spitoon-like thing, nearly big enough to fit on TRump’s head.
Here’s a little bit of his salad, my emphasis:

“On behalf of all of the people of Texas, of all of the people of — if you look today, if you see what’s happening, how horrible it is, but we have it under really great control, Puerto Rico, and the people of Florida, who are really suffering, over this last short period of time, with hurricanes.  I want to just remember them, and we are going to dedicate this trophy, to all of those people, that went through so much.  That I can tell you.

“And, I tell you what!  I’ve been watching this, from the beginning, and I have to say, our Team USA, wow, did you play,  well.”


Just then, a skinny white man near the back of the crowd, dressed all in black with a scrawny ponytail, began vociferously yelling at the president.


Golf courses!  Just what we need!  plenty of good land in nice neighborhoods, land that is currently being wasted on a meaningless, mindless activity, engaged in primarily by white well-to-do male businessmen, who use the game to get together to make deals to carve this country up into finer chunks among themselves.  I am getting tired… realllly gettinnng tired of these golfing cocksuckers in their green pants, and their yellow pants, and their orange pants, and their precious little hats, and their cute little golf carts, to cart their fat asses around!
“It’s time to reclaim the golf courses from the wealthy and turn them over to the homeless!  Golf is an arrogant, elitist game and it takes up entirely too much room in this country.
WHAT DO THESE PIN-HEADED PRICKS NEED WITH ALL THAT LAND?!!!  There are over 17,000 golf courses in America, they average over 150 acres apiece, that’s 3 million plus acres, 4,820 square miles—  you could build two Rhode Island’s and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist — there’s another thing:  the only blacks you’ll find in country clubs are carrying trays — and it’s a borrring game… boring game for borrring people.
You ever watch golf on television while you’re fucking twittering, Mr. President!?   It’s like watching flies fuck!   It’s such a mindless game, mmmmmmindless!   Think of how much intellect it must take to draw pleasure from this… activity:  Hitting a tiny fucking ball with a crooked little stick… and then… walking after it… and then… HITTING IT AGAIN!!!   I SAY, PICK IT UP, ASSHOLE!!!   YOU’RE LUCKY YOU FOUND THE FUCKING THING!!!   PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET AND GO-THE-FUCK HOME!!!   YOU FOUND IT!!!  YOU’RE A WINNER!!!  YOU’RE A WINNER!!!
Aren’t you tired of  “WINNING” YET?!? 
I say let these rich cocksuckers play miniature golf!  Let ‘em fuck with a windmill for an hour or so…  see if there’s really any skill among these people.   Now, I know some of ‘you people‘— people who play golf, but don’t consider themselves rich…   FUCK ‘EM!!!   And SHAME on them for engaging in this arrogant, elitist, meaningless, mindless, and racist pastime!”


Many of you will recognize that is mostly the ebullient golf screed of the late, great George Carlin.  We caught up with the fellow that delivered it, who actually looks a lot like Carlin— turns out to be Stephen A. Heckler, an amateur Carlin impersonator.
“Yeah, I know, I know” he explains.  “My dad, Dick— thought it would be just hysterical if I had to say to everyone I meet,
‘Hi, I’m Steve, A Heckler.’  But my high school principal did not think it was funny, “that I can tell you.”

That I can tell you—  That’s a, you know, a TRump euphemism for ‘I just lied.'”

The President's Cup

Stephen “Steve” A. Heckler at The President’s Cup ceremony.

Well, I can tell you, that A. Heckler was carefully but politely escorted by the Secret Service out of the golf club, where they chatted with him amiably a few moments, shook his hand, and sent him on his way.  LOLz


GolfWeek, who was also covering the event, had some interesting comments from their uh, let’s call it a, “pro-golf” perspective:

“Unlike several NFL players before games on Sunday, none of the United States President’s Cup players took a knee during the closing ceremony.  That was no surprise because, on Tuesday, Stricker* said, ‘We’ve had a discussion already, and none of my players want to do that.’  There was also no sign of any anti-Trump sentiment among the fans.”


Teh President's Cup

USA! USA! Just a few of what the president of the United States candidly refers to as “Everyday Americans.”  No one we spoke with would speak with us, let alone about this frivolity that took place with the cup TRump dedicated to “…all the people of Texas, Florida, and, what’s that third one? —What?  Right— Porta Ricah [sic]”


* Some golfer named “Stricker.”

¹ Original AP Photo/Gerald Herbert





USojo Greetings 09 Happy HolidaysFrom Michael Hart, Propagandee, TPK, various coneheads, random cherubim, and Santa Clawz

We take this opportunity to wish you the very best that life on the World of the Cross has to offer this Holiday Season.

We are humbly grateful to each of you that visit us here in the b-sphere— randomly or regularly— especially those of you that are awesome authors and artists of your own blogs, and still graciously find time to share some precious moments here with us.  And yeah, even those that just come to see the giant scorpion on the Judge Bybee post, or do a quick download of that narly “head-up-ass” graphic.  You know who you are… Well. maybe.

As readers of The Urantia Book, we have it on real authority that Jesus was born about noon on August 21st, 7 B.C. But any day you want to celebrate anything the birth of God made mortal is fine by us.  Although the once lovely pagan/stolen celebration remains fraught with all sorts of American Christian social quaint-itude (not a real word)— what with all the munnies to be made around every orifice of the holiday shopping tradition— we unabashedly say, screw all that.  It’s the celebration of the birth of a Divine Being incarnate as one of us, and that blows our tiny minds.

So today of all days, we ask you to contemplate this if you would:   The Creator of this world and everything else in the incomprehensible vastness of space made a brief personal appearance on this planet some two thousand years ago.  As human beings, we are challenged to grow into the full awareness of who and what we really are, just as he did.  Thus it bears repeating:

Of all human knowledge, that which is of greatest value is to know the religious life of Jesus and how he lived it.
The Urantia Book

Taken in toto, the last two thousand years have been tumultuous, to say the least.  When the resurrected Jesus ascended from this world,  he left it with his Spirit, but without the visible presence and guidance of celestial beings.  And that threw the doors of darkness, stupidity, and ignorance wide open, and still threatens to swamp and sink our little barque as it goes cleaving through the high seas of an unknown future.  And yet, we can take an important modicum of satisfaction in the assurance from our near celestial kin that planetary change— for the better, and soon— is inevitable.

A new and fuller revelation of the religion of Jesus is destined to conquer an empire of materialistic secularism and to overthrow a world sway of mechanistic naturalism.  Urantia is now quivering on the very brink of one of its most amazing and enthralling epochs of social readjustment, moral quickening, and spiritual enlightenment.
The Urantia Book

You could be so comforted and inspired, so enthralled and intrigued, if you would only allow the [Indwelling Spirit] constantly to bring forth the pictures of the real motive, the final aim, and the eternal purpose of all this difficult, uphill struggle with the commonplace problems of your present material world.
The Urantia Book

So we hope 2017 turns out to be the year everything changes.
But even if it’s not, it can still pay huge individual dividends right now— to become fully aware of your status and station as a cosmic citizen of the universe. We urge you to fully indulge the hope that springs eternal in the human breast;  read the entire Urantia Book;  live in joyful and divine expectation;  and above all, be of good cheer… always.

Happy Holidays!

Clintonialism II: Honduras Edition


Hillary’s foreign policy duds 

In our previous post on Clintonialsim, we highlighted former Senator Hillary Clinton‘s vote for the catastrophic Iraq invasion and the subsequent occupation and nation building  fiasco that followed. And her role as Secretary of State in support of two equally disastrous Middle East interventions: Libya and Syria. But her record as a neo necon doesn’t stop there. She has also left her imprimatur on Central America, specifically Honduras. But before we go there, let’s take a brief look at US interventionism in Central America over the last one hundred years.

US Intervention in Central America

The history of US interventionism is Central America is a long and depressing one. It includes:

-The occupation of the Dominican Republic (1916-1924).

-The US invasion of Guatemala (1954).  

-The creation of US trained death squads in El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras (1980s), which saw the transfer of $6 billion of US taxpayer money to El Salvador alone.

-The the notorious Iran-Contra Affair under President Reagan (1985), which precipitated the disastrous crack cocaine epidemic that afflicted south Los Angeles that: resulted in an upsurge of ghetto gangs, that were in turn franchised across the rest of the country; made felons of so many young black Americans for just smoking the stuff;  and provided advanced missiles to a listed “terrorist” country,  Iran. (Thank you, Ollie North.)

-The wag-the-dog invasion of Grenada, ordered by Reagan in order to change the news cycle after the catastrophic (and politically embarrassing) car bombing in Beirut that resulted in the death of 241 US Marines; and the subsequent retreat of American forces from Lebanon

-The invasion of Panama, aka Operation Just Cause, ordered by Reagan’s former vice president and former CIA Director, George H. W. Bush, to apprehend a long time CIA operative and drug kingpin, Manuel “Pineapple Face” Noriega. 

Rather than seeing this sorry past as an indictment of American foreign policy, Clinton supporters will try to spin it along the lines of:

“See? This is the way America has been doing business around the world since before Hillary was even born! Hillary is just the latest player in The Great Game. No blame. Just ask her self-professed mentor, Henry Kissinger. Nothing to see here. Move on. Move on.”

But it’s high time an accounting was made. What better time than the present, in this truly revolutionary presidential election year, when two of the top three contenders are outsiders whose strength is derived from their break with The Powers That Be and their bloody past?

The Practice of Clintonialism in Honduras

Remember the huge outflow of refugees from Central America, including children from Honduras, that landed square on the US’s backdoor with Mexico in 2009? Remember the Obama Administration’s response to videos showing them clinging to the top of trains traversing Mexico in a desperate attempt to get to the U.S., fleeing from the chaos of drug lords gone wild in their native countries? The tens of millions of dollars in bribe money Obama paid to the Mexican government to stop those kids at their own southern border from fleeing the terror that Hillary helped unleash? That prompted Angelina Jolie, in a collaboration with the Microsoft Corporation and 25 leading U.S. law firms, to create Kids in Need of Defense (KIND)? (KIND provides free legal aid to unaccompanied minors in immigration proceedings across the U.S.)  Remember Hillary’s self-anointed role as Protectoress of Children that she continues to project as part of her political persona?

JUCHITAN, MEXICO - AUGUST 06: Central American immigrants ride north on top of a freight train on August 6, 2013 near Juchitan, Mexico. Thousands of Central American migrants ride the trains, known as 'la bestia', or the beast, during their long and perilous journey through Mexico to reach the U.S. border. Some of the immigrants are robbed and assaulted by gangs who control the train tops, while others fall asleep and tumble down, losing limbs or perishing under the wheels of the trains. Only a fraction of the immigrants who start the journey in Central America will traverse Mexico completely unscathed - and all this before illegally entering the United States and facing the considerable U.S. border security apparatus designed to track, detain and deport them. (Photo by John Moore/Getty Images)

JUCHITAN, MEXICO – AUGUST 06: Central American immigrants ride north on top of a freight train on August 6, 2013 near Juchitan, Mexico. Thousands of Central American migrants ride the trains, known as 'la bestia', or the beast, during their long and perilous journey through Mexico to reach the U.S. border. Some of the immigrants are robbed and assaulted by gangs who control the train tops, while others fall asleep and tumble down, losing limbs or perishing under the wheels of the trains. Only a fraction of the immigrants who start the journey in Central America will traverse Mexico completely unscathed - and all this before illegally entering the United States and facing the considerable U.S. border security apparatus designed to track, detain and deport them. (Photo by John Moore/Getty Images)

All hail The Great Protectoress!

Hillary’s Support of the 2009 Honduras Coup

In 2006, the liberal candidate for president of Honduras, José Manuel Zelaya Rosales, was elected to office.  In 2009, he proposed a non-binding poll that had as its goal the holding of a referendum to rewrite the Honduran constitution. Naturally, this was considered the end of the world by the Honduran elites, who were profiting quite handsomely from the status quo― thank you very much. Their response was to use the military to remove Zelaya from office. The coup succeeded, sending him into exile.

Questions about the role of the US in the coup emerged immediately, not surprising given its record of reckless interventionism in that region of the world. In an article by The Nation magazine titled The Clinton-Backed Honduran Regime Is Picking Off Indigenous Leaders, its author Greg Grandin wrote the following about the murder of Berta Cáceres, a native Honduran activist.

Cáceres was a vocal and brave indigenous leader, an opponent of the 2009 Honduran coup that Hillary Clinton, as secretary of state, made possible. In The Nation, Dana Frank and I covered that coup as it unfolded. Later, as Clinton’s emails were released, others, such as Robert Naiman, Mark Weisbrot, and Alex Main, revealed the central role she played in undercutting Manuel Zelaya, the deposed president, and undercutting the opposition movement demanding his restoration. In so doing, Clinton allied with the worst sectors of Honduran society.

(Much of the damning info Grandin relied on came from the infamous Clinton emails. Why the Hillary Haters ignore that dimension of the email drama is a reflection of their own interventionist proclivities. Their obsession with Benghazi is an attempt to degrade Clinton’s credibility as a leader and not on the substantive issue of whether the decision to overthrow Qadaffi was a good one.  To these hammerheads, everything looks like a nail.)

In an article from March of this year, writes that reporter Roberto Lovato:

…shared a 2014 video in Spanish, where Cáceres made specific reference to Clinton’s Hard Choices comments about Honduras. In an interview from Buenos Aires, Cáceres said that the 2009 policy decisions by Secretary Clinton and the United States only led to more repression, militarization, increased migration and political corruption in her country.

So who was Clinton’s cat’s paw in the ouster of Honduras’s  democratically elected president? Why, her old Yale Law School pal and 2008 presidential campaign surrogate, Lanny “The Fixer” Davis. Davis, who worked in the Clinton Administration as a special counsel, gained notoriety for spearheading Hubbie Bill’s counter-attack against “that woman, Monica Lewinsky. Davis subsequently found gainful employment representing the interests of a plethora of foreign scum that, according to Wikipedia, included:

…the Ivory Coast strongman and flagrant human rights violator Laurent Gbagbo whose claims to that country’s presidency have been condemned by the international community and may even set off a civil war;” and “Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, the longtime dictator of oil-rich Equatorial Guinea.

In 2009, Davis expanded his client list to include the Honduran Business Council, which financed the coup d’etat that sent Zelaya into exile and precipitated a mass exodus of Honduran refugees.

According to The Intercept:

At a time when the State Department strategized over how best to keep Zelaya out of power while not explicitly endorsing the coup, Clinton suggested using longtime Clinton confidant Lanny Davis as a back-channel to Roberto Micheletti, the interim president installed after the coup….

A week later, Clinton and her top aides reportedly brokered a deal to bring Zelaya back to power through a national unity government. But the deal was no “breakthrough,” as some media outlets reported. Rather, there was a huge loophole…

The election, on November 29, 2009, was beset by violence, with anti-coup organizers murdered before the election and the police violently suppressing an opposition rally in San Pedro Sula and shutting down left-leaning media outlets. Major international observers, including the United Nations and the Carter Center, as well as most major opposition candidates, boycotted the election…

Rather than seeing this as a failure, the Clinton emails released last week further confirm that the State Department had sought the permanent ouster of Zelaya all along. State Department officials bucked the demands of most Latin American countries and rushed to recognize the election as “free, fair and transparent.”…The Shannon emails “show what we knew all along: the U.S. wanted the elections to solidify the changes wrought by the coup,”

Despite claims to media outlets that they were working to restore the democratically elected Honduran government, the U.S. made other efforts to ensure the coup government’s grip on power. In October 2009, the United States blocked a resolution from the Organization of American States requiring Zelaya’s return as a precondition for elections. The U.S. also failed to officially determine that a “military coup” occurred, and did not cut off aid to Honduras as is required by law following a coup.

An August 2009 email chain with Harold Koh, then the State Department legal adviser, discussed how to deal with the foreign aid issue, which in Honduras is largely administered through the Millenium Challenge Corporation. The email chain carried the subject line “Honduras Military Coup Decision,” includes an email from Koh noting that Honduras might fall under “specified legal prohibitions on assistance.” Koh wrote that Secretary Clinton, as chair of the MCC board, would have a considerable voice over the determination of Honduras as a coup country. Unfortunately, much of the memo Koh prepared is redacted and Clinton’s response is not revealed in the email chain.

Reminds one of the Machiavellian antics of Hillary’s mentor and personal friend, Henry Kissinger, whose sneering disdain of human rights is well documented; and who engineered the overthrow of Chile’s democratically elected president, Salvador Allende (that ultimately led to his assisnation)and  whom Christopher Hitchins designated a war criminal for his role in the overthrow of the democratically elected government of Chile, among other international crimes, including his role in precipitating the secret war in Cambodia that resulted in untold suffering, death, and displacement of millions of innocent Cambodians. (God help us all, but apparently Kissinger has agreed to meet with Donald Trump tomorrow. That gigantic turd just won’t flush.) Truly, a rotten apple doesn’t fall far from its progenitor’s tree.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Notice to those considering the November presidential election as a vote for the lesser of two weevils.  Choosing Clinton is to agree to yet another round of US interventionism. The doctrines of Might Makes Right, Manifest Destiny, and American Exceptionalism, personified by war criminal Henry Kissinger, are all part of the Clinton ethos.

Careful what you ask/vote for.

Carly Fiorina’s War Against Planned Parenthood Blows Up In Her Face

Fiorina pimpimg out kids
Carly Fiorina encouraging kids to take their country back from Planned Parenthood

Well, well…the gods of karma have been busy this week.

First off, failed former HP CEO and presidential candidate Carly Fiorina was roundly criticized for using a group of kids out on a field trip to an arboretum as props for her agi-prop campaign against Planned Parenthood. 

Carly Fiorina Accused Of Crashing Kids’ Field Trip And Ushering Them To Anti-Abortion Rally

Carly Fiorina’s latest campaign stop in Iowa has upset some Des Moines-area parents, who say the GOP presidential candidate “ambushed” a group of kids on a preschool field trip — and led them to an anti-abortion rally.

On Wednesday morning, Fiorina attended the Iowa Right to Life Presidential Forum, where she emphasized her support for defunding Planned Parenthood and passing a national abortion ban.

The anti-abortion event was held at the Greater Des Moines Botanical Garden. At the same time, a group of preschoolers was also visiting the botanical garden for a field trip.

According to the Des Moines Register, Fiorina “headed straight for a group of giggling 4- and 5-year-olds” when she first arrived at the botanical garden. She reportedly ushered them toward the makeshift stage set up for the anti-abortion event — which featured a large poster of a fetus — without asking permission for the children to sit with her.

Not content to merely push her anti-abortion agenda in front of the kids, she also got into her signature campaign rant: Planned Parenthood is selling baby parts to the highest bidder. (“Mommy, the nice lady at the flower place said something about selling baby body farts…”). The evidence for her claims? A doctored video released last summer.

From CNN:

Planned Parenthood has countered that it donates the tissue for scientific research and receives only reimbursement for its expenses, which is legal. The group also says it helps people donate tissue “with full, appropriate consent from patients and under the highest ethical and legal standards,” according to a statement from spokesman Eric Ferrero.

Later, Ferrero issued another statement saying, “These outrageous claims are flat-out untrue, but that doesn’t matter to politicians with a longstanding political agenda to ban abortion and defund Planned Parenthood. Women and families who make the decision to donate fetal tissue for lifesaving scientific research should be honored, not attacked and demeaned.”

The group leveling the accusation, the Irvine, California-based Center for Medical Progress, says it shot the video a year ago at a California restaurant. On it, two people purporting to be with a human biologics company speak with a Planned Parenthood doctor over what appears to be a lunch meeting. The Center for Medical Progress says the pair, who are off-camera and never seen, are paid actors.

The video, which is almost three hours long, was released Tuesday along with a heavily edited eight-minute version, which has drawn more than 1 million views on YouTube, as opposed to about 40,000 for the the full-length footage. The group has also released a transcript of the longer video.

“Planned Parenthood’s criminal conspiracy to make money off of aborted baby parts reaches to the very highest levels of their organization,” said statement from David Daleiden, who led the undercover project.

As you can imagine, the GOP presidential wannabes jumped all over the story. Much heat was brought down on Planned Parenthood, most especially from Texas. Not only did Governor Greg Abbot cut off its medicaid funds (Abbot had earlier cut-off its cancer screening service for low-income women), but he had his Republican Lt. Governor Dan Patrick launch a criminal investigation of the organization.

Imagine my surprise when I bought my dead-tree version of the NY Times this morning and saw this (above the fold) front page story.

HOUSTON — A grand jury here that was investigating accusations of misconduct against Planned Parenthood has instead indicted two abortion opponents who made undercover videos of the organization.

Prosecutors in Harris County said one of the leaders of the Center for Medical Progress — an anti-abortion group that made secretly recorded videos purporting to show Planned Parenthood officials trying to illegally profit from the sale of fetal tissue — had been indicted on a charge of tampering with a governmental record, a felony, and on a misdemeanor charge related to purchasing human organs.

That leader, David R. Daleiden, 27, the director of the center, had posed as a biotechnology representative to infiltrate Planned Parenthood affiliates and surreptitiously record his efforts to procure tissue for research. Another center employee, Sandra S. Merritt, 62, was indicted on a felony charge of tampering with a governmental record.

So not only was Planned Parenthood exonerated from any criminal wrongdoing, but the slime-buckets who created the video were themselves indicted on felony and misdemeanor charges of fraud.

Marco Rubio was the first GOP presidential wannabes to step in it last night when the news broke. He was at a town hall meeting in Iowa where he announced the decision by the grand jury. Naturally, he spun it into a remix of his stump speech rant that it was just another example that the country was “headed in the wrong direction.” Not because an  operation steeped in criminal fraud designed to prevent women from getting low cost medical services was uncovered. No, the real crime is that the vitriolic narrative that he and his fellow Republicans are propagating has just been shown to be full of shit.

What’s next? Hypocrite Rubio bragging that he’s a law and order man? Maybe he should take the advice of Republican district attorney who said she was just going where the evidence led her.

Same goes for Carly F, who referred to Robert Lewis Dear,the man accused of murdering five people with an AK-47 at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs last November as “a messenger” and a “protestor.

God save us from these delusional wackos.


Carly goes semi-commando, claiming that her degree in Medieval history and philosophy would make her tough on ISIS