Posted by on August 24, 2015 at 9:40 AM
Aug 242015



In Mary Shelley’s classic sci-fi horror novel, Frankenstein or The Modern Prometheus (1818), her protagonist, the brilliant Dr. Viktor Frankenstein, allows his hubris to get the better of him by assuming the powers of the Creator. His monstrous faux human creation, without name or number in the original—let’s call him “Donald” for now– refers to himself initially as “the Adam of your labours,” and subsequently as “your fallen angel.”  Assembled from the disjointed body parts of dead humans, the good Doc’s beloved creation rebels and tries to destroy him.

Which pretty much describes Donald Trump’s relationship with the GOP establishment. His political persona is as much a creation of the political arm of the GOP, Fux News, as it is one of his own devising. Prior to the first, now infamous, 2016 Republican presidential debate, Trump was a regular weekly guest on Fux’s morning program, Fux and Friends, which gave him a long-running, high profile forum to build his political persona. A marriage made in heaven for an extreme narcissist and a cable network, both seeking maximum public attention and approval.

Behind the scenes at Fux corporate, however, trouble was brewing between Fux owner, Rupert Murdoch (an immigrant himself), who wanted to dump Trump; and its president, former Nixon communications adviser Roger Ailes, who wanted to keep him. Murdoch called Trump “wrong” and “embarrassing,” a sentiment his other propaganda organ, the Wall Street Journal, reinforced when it labeled Trump a “catastrophe.” Ailes, on the other hand, knows ratings gold when he sees it and came to Trump’s defense.

Murdoch initially prevailed, as evidenced by Fux News rising star host, Megyn Kelly’s out of the gate attack on Trump at the first GOP presidential primary debate. Megyn confronted Trump with a number of his misogynist statements over the years. Trump did his best to deflect her prosecution, resorting to another of his patented Rosie O’Donnell’ slurs, subsequently implying in a tweet that Kelly was on the rag at the time. Murdoch seemed to have gained the edge at this point, having given Trump plenty ‘nuff rope to hang himself. But when the ratings came in for the debate, which showed that the event had far surpassed the previous record for any comparable cable tv broadcast, Murdoch (now in his dotage), surrendered the playing field, proving that for the bottom line at least, Roger is good for what Ailes ya…if you’re a Fux stockholder, that is. Meanwhile, having been thrown under the corporate bus, Megyn took an extended vacation. (MSNBC, in a severe ratings funk, should hire her to replace the execrable Joe Scarborough.)

So now, it’s back to the future, with Fux once again making kissy face with Trump. And that means either accepting or rejecting his extreme proposals for immigration reform (the only policy paper his campaign has released to date), exactly the issue that the GOP establishment wants to avoid. After their resounding defeat in the 2012 presidential election, they performed an “autopsy” that found that without a much higher percentage of the Latino vote, they’ll never get the keys to the White House again. Where their last successful presidential run, the re-election of George W. Bush in 2004, mustered 40% of the Latino vote, Mitt Romney received only 27%, a 13 point drop. Attempts to produce a viable immigration reform package, perhaps the greatest concern of Hispanic voters, have failed miserably—just ask past presidential candidate John McCain and current presidential candidates Lindsey Graham, Jeb Bush, and Marco Rubio. Unable to quell the racist, nativist sentiments of their Tea Party base, the GOP establishment decided it was better to downplay or ignore the issue altogether.  

But now that the Trumpestein monster has broken his restraints and left the table, marauding across the countryside and terrorizing the peasants (cue music: The Monster caught on in a flash.), the GOP is forced to reanimate the issue. Which means addressing Trump’s promise to: (1) deport 11 million undocumented immigrants (and their families, whether they were born in the US or not); (2) end birthright citizenship (guaranteed by the 14th Amendment); and (3) build a really, really yooge wall (extending 2000 miles at an estimated cost of $168 billion).

Re item (1), not only does Trump want to deport Mexican rapists, murderers, and drug dealers, but also law abiding, tax paying workers and their families, whether their children were born here or not. (Estimated cost: $300 billion over 40 years.) Which brings us to item (2): the only way that he could deport children of immigrants who were born here—which he justifies by saying that, after all, he just wants to   keep families together—is to trash the 14th amendment that guarantees these citizen “Dreamers” all their constitutional rights. (estimated cost to deport the 5 million Dreamers alone: $50 billion.)  And to keep all them thar “illegals” out, he intends to build an impenetrable wall and make the Mexican government pay for it. (Herman Cain inspired alligator infested moats subject to further negotiation. But the smart money is on the author of The Art of the Deal to at least get them gators at a hefty discount if the Mexican government decides to dig in its heels and grows a bigger pair of cojones.)

None of these fantasies have even the slightest chance of becoming real without a major media blitz. But with Trumpenstein back behind the protective walls of the Fux News castle, the effort has begun. Steve Douchebag, cohost of Fox and Friends, judges Trump’s immigration plan as: “A dream list for many who have wanted immigration reform for a long time.

And Andrea Kostintina Tantaros, cohost of Fux’s The Outnumbered, defending Trump’s assault on the Fourteenth Amendment, opined: It wasn’t intended so that a bunch of Latinos could flood over the border.”

With the rupture in the wingnut Force repaired, the rest of the universe will have to content itself to sitting ‘round the campfire, roasting Frankenweenies, waiting to watch the next episode of Republicans Eating Their Own. A fitting epilogue would have Trumpenstein further his rebellion by quitting the GOP and running as an independent.    

Seriously, America? This??

 Posted by on August 14, 2015 at 1:30 PM
Aug 142015

Trump Oval OfficeThe Trump Oval Office, live phone interview with Blahblahblah and Blah.
If you have a vomit bag handy, go ahead and click to enlarge.

(Before we get started.  Don’t use the word “surge” around me.  Especially in the context of a Trump poll.  I will lash out.  You’ve been warned.)

So it may be too soon to start showing America just what a Trump “presidency” will look like.   After all, it was many of those same sorry fuckers who elected Ronald Reagan, remember?   And then they made it possible for a few jackasses on the Supreme Court to give George W. Bush the right to fuck America up for decades.  Then after a slight respite from the destruction and the near miraculous recovery from the impending apocalypse, thanks to Barack Obama, we find ourselves at the mercy of a complete and utter moron.  Here is what I mean:

FOX: Mr. President, your first 90 days poll show that have not endeared yourself to an increasingly regretful, and on the liberal side, hysterical, public. Liberals have severely criticized you for what they call the “grotesque sacrilege” of your spectacular makeover of The oval office;  what would you say to these silly critics, and will you consider changing anything?

TRUMP:  with all due respect, my critics are a bunch of losers.  They’re a bunch of whiney little dogs, and they make me sick.  Look. We have a lot of fun here at the Trump White House, in my tremendously beautiful, this very very beautiful Oval Office.  And to those little dogs— who are disgusting— and who are still licking their wounds from my tremendous victory taking the White House back from them,  to these little dogs I say, I will always do what I do— and frankly, you know, if anybody don’t like it, they’re losers and they should be fired.

FOX: Mr. President, we totally agree;   but they feel they have some “constitutional” right to complain, because of the controversy surrounding the Supreme Court’s decision which handed you the election with a near 700 vote margin of victory.

TRUMP:  You know, I’m not going to get into that, you can argue all day with losers, and at the end of the day, they’re still losers!

FOX:  I know sir, it’s incredible.

TRUMP:  So I’m going about the business of, you know,  making aMErica Great Again, making tremendous deals, I’m threatening Iran, I’m threatening Iraq, I’m threatening ISIS, I’m very very busy already, threatening these loser nations who are, in some cases, are sitting on OUR Oil, and I’m going to make them deals very soon which they can’t refuse.

FOX:  Mr. President that sounds awesome, and we, as always, thank you so very much for taking your very important time to talk to the American people through the fair and balanced orifice of Fox and Friends, the one and only official White House newsfeed of the American people.

TRUMP:  Terrific, you know you guys have been very tremendous the past few months, convincing the American people, who I have to admit,  you know, are not the smartest people, you know a lot of them didn’t vote for me, and I’m going to overlook that, for now.

FOX:  Thank you Mr. President, and looking forward to seeing you next month.

TRUMP:  Terrific, my aides Megan and Megin will show you out.  Now, can we get the lighting guys back in here again, this still isn’t meeting my expectations, this artwork is not meeting the Trump lighting— Will someone answer that Goddamned phone?


 Posted by on August 11, 2015 at 3:37 PM
Aug 112015

elephant alligatorI’ve got you now, my pretty. . .

ASTONISHING, REALLY, that the majority of the professional talking heads preferred to take more than a month to realize that when Donald Trump slithered into the Republican China Shop, his fat ass was inevitably going to trash the place.  And now that he’s really starting to sink his teeth into their vulnerable little snouty-thing— Fox Nose— the other “Republican” candidates are getting some overspray of his ‘churck* on their business drag, and they don’t like it one bit.

But nobody really gives a shit about them.  It’s about the stupid people— the people that keep telling the pollsters that every time tRump oozes another gallon of pus on the political dialogue of their “greeet [sic] nation,” the more they want to lick his, “whatever.”  People too stupid to hear the truth when a billionaire buffoon tells them straight out that he buys and sells politicians like dogs, deserve what they git.

Therefore, my gentle people, reserve your real astonishment for these, the hapless base of the Republican electorate, currently coupling with the faux poutrage of their new shiny!shiny!, and blindly oblivious to the fact that their favorite bobble-head bloviator will be coming back to their bed:

If and when they do wake to the fact they’ve had their favorite horse’s ass handed to them, along with their [hopefully permanent] renewal as the Party Out Of Power,  (heh: POOP)  the ever-dwindling minority party of fearfully ignorant white men and women will need  to be rounded up and sent to the FEMA camps   a lot of Obamacare   . . .a lot more guns.

WhiteTrashYes, you gotta pritty mouth.

* ‘Churck:   a contraction of “jerk” and “‘chuck,” a shortening of “upchuck.” Yep: “jerk vomit.”  


 Posted by on August 5, 2015 at 4:15 PM
Aug 052015

Debate Also-Rans Go Down With Happy Rants

KidsTable2016The sound check at the Losers Kid’s table got rowdy; a lot of bird flipping, and considerable abuse of little Ricky Santorum.  From right (left) front to far right: Ricky Perry;  That guy nobody has ever even heard of;  Ricky Santorum;  Piyush Jindal;  Lindsey “Olin” Graham;  Carly Fiorina; and a George Pawtucki, or somethin’.

Some “big names” are out of the first Fox News Debate debacle, having been relegated to the “Happy Hour” debate scheduled to air before the main event.  And although a spokesman for the man with literally the biggest name, Piyush Subhas Chandra Amrit Hinssein Jindal, had no comment, several other candidates happy-railed against being relegated to the Also-Rans table by Fox News’ top croissant ingestor, Roger Ailes.

As Mitt Romney once sang, the dogs have been let out!  Here they are, and they’re howlin’ happy:

CARLY FIORINA  “A vast majority of Republican voters, never mind Americans, [gotta love that distinction] still don’t know who I am,” said businesswoman Carly Fiorina.  “You have a long way to go here. It’s a long race. We’re all going to need a stiff upper lip, and more than one stiff drink.  I’m looking forward to the ‘happy hour’ debate, because you get two drinks just to start.”

JIM GILMORE  “Arggle bargle!  Arggle bargle!  Scotch rocks!  Arggle bargle!  Arggle bargle!” [WTF]

LINDSEY GRAHAM  “You’ve got the Donald Trump debate.  Everybody’s gonna be, ‘How will he perform?  What will he say?’  Well, when I’m in the first debate, which is the ‘happy hour debate’ at five o’clock, start drinking.  By nine o’clock Donald may make sense to you— if you drink enough.”  [South Carolina senator Graham (“Call me Olin”) is credited with the term “happy hour debate.”  He also criticized the Republican front-runner Trump, calling him a Jackass— which induced the flat-footed multi-billionaire to reveal Graham’s cellphone number.]

PIYUSH JINDAL  [No comment.  But he is staying at a Holiday Inn Express.]

RICK PERRY  Is practicing his presidentialness-ness by speaking through an “adviser”:  “The governor is going to have a very thoughtful, well rehearsed conversation about the country, guns, and, and a third thing,  you know, that he thinks ought to be done for the opportunity for this country.” [Yeah that was my thought too; just as articulate as the guv.]

GEORGE PATAKI  [I’m sorry— who?]

RICK SANTORUM  “National polls mean nothing.  Unfortunately, Fox News and the RNC have gotten into a, sort of, “man and dog” situation to determine the legitimacy of candidacy.  And they have the ability to influence who is in the top ten by the amount of coverage they get, and the amount of advertising dollars.”  [No-he-diddent! He said “man and dog.”]

Okay.  Back to what passes for the real world.  Head propagandist at Fox Roger Ailes is credited with the “Orchestra Pit Theory“— referencing sensationalist political coverage in the news media:

“If you have two guys on a stage and one guy says, ‘I have a solution to the Middle East problem,’ and the other guy falls in the orchestra pit, who do you think is going to be on the evening news?” —Ailes

So maybe Roger is secretly doing the second string batch of buffoons a favor;  maybe by pushing them off the main stage and into the mosh pit he’s actually giving them the first shot at showing the electorate what a real clown car debate looks like. . .

Uh, Naww.

They’re both gonna be a debacle.



 Posted by on July 11, 2015 at 9:04 AM
Jul 112015

BLOW Trump FISHBLOWFISH Megazine always features a human blowfish on the cover.

It’s a thing I do; subscribe to weird magazines.  BLOWFISH has been publishing for a few years now, but wasn’t one of my favorites until this issue.  Like a lot of Democrats and Independents, I like my blowfish with a nice caper tartar sauce.  And like an increasing number of Republicans, I loath the two-legged variety that wears silk ties made in China.

When I was a kid “summering” in the torpid backwaters of the Illinois River, my best friend Philip and I would spend countless hours fishing from my dad’s homemade green fishing boat.  Various species of fish populated the sloughs and shores where we fished, but the blowfish, being a saltwater creature, was not among them.  Maybe the “crappie” (say: “crappy”) could be considered the freshwater equivalent.  Truth is, I never heard of blowfish until I joined the Navy;  the Navy was full of blowfish.  But shit, that’s another story.

When you say blowfish, most people think of the poisonous pufferfish, or Fugu.  It’s a big family, and the members are variously called pufferfish, puffers, balloonfish, blowfish, bubblefish, bloatfish, bloaters, globefish, swellfish, toadfish, toadies, honey toads, sugar toads, and what the hell is that??   And now, you can add Trumpfish to the list.  

In the BLOWFISH interview, Donald If His Lips Are Moving He’s Lying Trump didn’t really cover any new ground, just the usual scorched earth bravado of recent weeks liberally peppered with the phrase, “I’m tremendously wealthy.”  But what was interesting was how transparently stupid he sounds when he, you know, talks; even in writing.

Blowfish bellies are covered with small, short spines, not unlike the soft underbellies of politicians.  The spines make it tough to penetrate their vulnerable underbellies, making their gut more or less impervious to the world around them.  A lot of critics look at Trump and just see a mouthy, out-of-touch troglodyte, pushing his brand into our national political debate, as if it were just another marketing opportunity.  Yeah, there’s that.  But there’s an increasing number of Democrats who see his “campaign” as a gift-blowfish;  a surefire victory for anyone the Democrats will nominate to run against whomever emerges from the Republican Clown Car.


 Posted by on July 5, 2015 at 1:13 PM
Jul 052015

Donald Trump Luvs Him Some ImmigrantsLemme tell yooz something okay— you see those Mexican guys behind me, the non-rapist, non-criminal type Mexicans, playin’ there in my tremendous yard?  I have assured the non-rapist and noncriminal Mexicans, the good ones,I assume, that I love them and their country, and their smart leaders who are smarter than our leaders!  Look, I am tremendously wealthy,tree-mennn-dously wealthy— and trust me,I can afford to love everyone of them if I wanted to, but let me say this: instead, they are sending us their criminals, their rapists, their murderers, their tacos, their tortillas, and you know, many many other types of their food I don’t care to pronounce. There could be anywhere from 11 million to 34 million, nobody knows;  nobody knows.  And you know I’m right, they know I’m right, everybody knows I’m right, including the LGPA, the PGA, the USGA, the LMOP, the QRST, everybody! 

“In response to Mr. Trump’s comments about the golf industry ‘knowing he is right’ in regards to his recent statements about Mexican immigrants, we feel compelled to clarify that those remarks do not reflect the views of our organizations. While the LPGA, PGA of America, PGA Tour and USGA don’t usually comment on Presidential politics, Mr. Trump’s comments are inconsistent with our strong commitment to an inclusive and welcoming environment in the game of golf, to anyone who can afford it.” —LPGA


 Posted by on July 2, 2015 at 12:04 PM
Jul 022015

Uncle Bernie
That’s right Uncle Bernie, KICK THEIR BUTTS.  “Their” being all those Americans who sit on their butts and don’t vote in elections.  “Their” being those Americans who aren’t even registered to vote.  “Their” being all Americans who think Politics in this country is broken beyond repair.

If you happen to own one of those butts mentioned above, or are just a less than enthusiastic voter when it comes to the 2016 presidential elections, because, well, you’re too busy— here’s a news flash for you— and try to imagine it being delivered with a swift kick to your buttocks:  The new base of the Democratic party is unmarried women, people of color, and young voters— the Rising American Electorate (RAE)— and they already represent a majority of voting-eligible citizens.

And that’s totally meaningless when the majority of them don’t actually vote.  Yes, they flexed their new-found electoral muscles to elect the first black president, and then blew off the 2010 midterm elections, because:

•  2.7% could not find their polling place
•  3.9% forgot to vote
•  5.5% experienced a registration issue
•  8.6% were out of town
•  10.0% were punishing their own party
 10.2% don’t know what “elections” are
 11.8% said they were just plain indolent   
•  12.7% did not like the candidates or campaign issues
•  15.7% reported not being interested
•  18.9% were too busy

(Black and Red stats are real;  Purple stats are my best snarky guess. )

Non-voters are disproportionately young, single, less educated, and more likely to be of an ethnic minority than those who say they are infrequent voters, and those who are frequent voters.  Forty percent of nonvoters are under thirty years old, compared to 29% of infrequent voters and 14% of frequent voters.  Compared to 60% of infrequent voters, and 70% of frequent voters, 54% of nonvoters are Caucasian.

The perception that politics are controlled by special interests represents a significant excuse for lack of voter participation.  In recent surveys, a feeling that candidates “don’t really speak to them” was cited as a leading reason why infrequent voters and nonvoters justify not voting.

The kids are turned off from politics, they say.
Most of ’em don’t even want to hear about it.
All they want to do these days is lie around on waterbeds
and smoke that goddamn marrywanna … yeah, and just
between you and me Fred, that’s probably all for the best.
Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72

And then there are voices (well, at least one voice) that says, yawn.. it’s Obama‘s fault, and it’s been his fault all along.  “Nothing better dramatizes the damage that President Obama has done to Democrats than the fact that Republicans now control the House of Representatives, the Senate, and a majority of governorships across America.  Obama’s political style depresses liberal Democratic voters, who then would not turn out on Election Day, while inflaming conservative Republican voters, who would turn out,” blah, blah, blah.

Public opinion, the mores— is the basic energy in social evolution and state development.  And when that energy is manifested through universal suffrage in the hands of uneducated and indolent majorities, we get the likes of George W. Bush;  Louie Gohmert;  Michele Bachmann;  Sarah Palin;  the current GOP Clown Car.

Representative government presupposes an intelligent, efficient, and universal electorate.  The character of government is always determined by the character of those who compose it.  As civilization progresses, suffrage needs to be effectively modified.  Every free and intelligent group of citizens represents a vital and functioning organ within the larger governmental organism.

Unless a free people are educated— taught to think intelligently and plan wisely— freedom usually does more harm than good.  When fifty percent of any nation’s people become brainwashed, uneducated, intellectually challenged buffoons, and possesses the ballot— that nation is doomed.  The dominance of mediocrity will spell the downfall of any nation.

[NOTE TO BERNIE]  Bernie, when you make it to the White House, and after you’ve solved all the really intractable problems facing America and the World, make sure voting is compulsory, and make it easy to do so.  And if they don’t vote, say because they think they’re too busy, not interested, don’t give a shit, then assess heavy fines against all who fail to cast their ballots.

The survival of democracy is dependent on successful representative government; and that is conditioned upon the practice of electing only those who are technically trained, intellectually competent, socially loyal, and morally fit.  Only by such provisions can government of the people, by the people, and for the people be preserved.