They’re Baaaaack… And It’s Your Fault.

 Posted by on November 7, 2014 at 12:02 AM
Nov 072014
 

McConnell's TatsTwo words:  Term Limits.  After more than thirty years of conducting business for the guvmint, those tats on Addison’s mug represent just a smattering of the corporations and their products that have helped make him the 11th wealthiest member of the Senate.

 

“The Obama Era (for politics) is over.”
—Howard Fineman
 


If that’s true, then we should start pretending Democrats aren’t too chickenshit to lead start finding ethical ways to get Democrats and Independents to actually VOTE; the Republicans have already found the unethical ways.

Some talking head actually said “the Republican wave of victory” was the result of “methodical plotting and careful candidate vetting.”  (Perhaps to ensure their candidates weren’t publicly recorded blathering on about second amendment remedies, legitimate rape, not enough guns in church, etc.)  It was, of course, just the usual relentless combination of fearmongering and propaganda; e.g., Have a double dose of Ebola pudding with your ISIS coronary, fellow petrified patriots! (Seriously: did anybody read Jacques Ellul’s book?*)  And we must not overlook the gargantuan sums of munny being spewed by the corporate overlards— $3.67 billion, according to the Center for Responsive Politics— which make the soupçon economic-cultural bandaids of new minimum wages in Alaska, Arkansas, and Nebraska and legalized cannabis in Alaska, Oregon, and D.C., seem starkly ludicrous by comparison.

Other talking head chatter awards this latest shift in power directly to the credit of Mitch McConnell, whose strategy of blaming everything that’s wrong in the world on Barack Obama has been wildly effective.  Sure, you may see a picture of Barack sipping alcohol in the Green Room with Addison, but it won’t be Kentucky Bourbon, it’ll be Jack Daniels Old Number 7, (see Mitch’s throat, above) and don’t be surprised if McConnell doesn’t drink a drop.)  And now that they’ve been handed the keys to the same vehicle Obama has finally driven out of the ditch, GOPpers can get back to the business of repeatedly running over ObamaCare and bleeding the last dime out of the dregs of the middle class; or, as they like to call it, “governing.”

Roughly sixty percent of Americans didn’t bother to vote in yesterday’s election.  It varies from state to state of course, from a low 28% in Indiana, to 59% in Maine, but generally only a third of the eligible population bothers to show up. In a word, disgusting.

There are some things we could do to turn this around. Do like Australia does:  fine the shit out of anyone who doesn’t cast their ballot;  make the fine commensurate with total income, and make it hurt.

Mandatory suffrage would not be without problems, just as it is now in the hands of our uneducated and propagandized majorities.  But the continued election of base and ignorant politicians (Gohmert, Bachmann, Kruz, Barton, King, Schweikert, Rand, Rubio, Kyl, Emmer, Comstock, Grothman, Mooney, Buck, Hice, etc., etc.) is a very real threat and present danger to our democracy.

Representative government presupposes an intelligent, efficient, honest, and universal electorate.  The character of such a government always depends on the character and caliber of those who compose it.  But when fifty percent of a nation is inferior or stupid— and possesses the ballot— that nation is doomed.
The total dominance of mediocrity will spell the downfall of our nation.

* PROPAGANDA The Formation Of Men’s Attitudes 1965

BUTTS ON THE GROUND

 Posted by on September 29, 2014 at 12:29 PM
Sep 292014
 

Bhoener ButtsYeah that’s McConnell and yeah he’s dead, and Putterer of the House, Boner Boehner, reeks the Press.

WASHINGTON—   House Putterer John Boehner (R-OH.M.G.) was ragging to the press earlier today about President Barack Obama’s strategy against ISIS, saying “butts on the ground” would be needed, because, well, that’s just how “we roll.”  He was reluctant to say just whose butts he intends to roll into harm’s way.

“At the end of the day, uh, I think it’s gonna take more than, uh, airstrikes and billions of dollars to drive them outta there,” Boehner said.  “At some point, somebody’s spawn has gotta get their butts blown off.”

Reporter Mal Aprop of BSN asked if that meant American butts.

“Listen, the president doesn’t want to do that, because he doesn’t have the stomach for killing, no matter what the reason.  But if I were the president, I probably wouldn’t have talked about what I wouldn’t do, or, uh, you know, what I might do.  Or even what I would do do.   But where I come from, War always means butts on the ground, so somebody’s butts have to be there.”

“So you would recommend putting American butts on the ground, then?” asked Aprop.

“We have no choice,” Boehner sobbed, dabbing away tears.  “These are Conan-like barbarians.   They said they wanna kill us.  So unless we all just wanna lay down and die, we’re gonna hafta pay the price and, uh.. send some more of your children’s butts over there to die.”

YOU’RE SINKING; WE KEEP GETTING RICHER.

 Posted by on March 3, 2014 at 1:44 PM
Mar 032014
 


Let’s review. . .
Laurence Lewis:

To Republicans, schadenfreude may be a favorite form of entertainment, but hurting people economically also serves a critical purpose. The more desperate people are to find work, the more likely they will be to accept any work at any wages under any conditions. Kick them while they are down, and try to make them beg. Being able to disparage and demonize them is an added bonus.

Jesus worked, lived, and traded in the world as he found it. He was not an economic reformer, although he did frequently call attention to the injustice of the unequal distribution of wealth. But he did not offer any suggestions by way of remedy. He made it plain to the three that, while his apostles were not to hold property, he was not preaching against wealth and property, merely its unequal and unfair distribution. He recognized the need for social justice and industrial fairness, but he offered no rules for their attainment.
The Urantia Book

The cleansing of the temple discloses the Master’s attitude toward commercializing the practices of religion as well as his detestation of all forms of unfairness and profiteering at the expense of the poor and the unlearned. This episode also demonstrates that Jesus did not look with approval upon the refusal to employ force to protect the majority of any given human group against the unfair and enslaving practices of unjust minorities who may be able to entrench themselves behind political, financial, or ecclesiastical power. Shrewd, wicked, and designing men are not to be permitted to organize themselves for the exploitation and oppression of those who, because of their idealism, are not disposed to resort to force for self-protection or for the furtherance of their laudable life projects.
The Urantia Book

Trouble In McDonaldland

 Posted by on December 30, 2013 at 6:06 AM
Dec 302013
 

BigMacThe flagship burger of McDonaldland is the Big Mac, shown above with a list of its ingredients supplied by McDonalds.

McDONALDLAND —  Refusing to answer questions about Mayor McCheese‘s crack cocaine use, McLisa McComb, a spokeswoman for McDonald’s USA, announced the demise of the online presence of the McResource program, following the solicited appearance on their McWebsite of  “unnecessary McViews and McCriticism” of their cheeseburgers and fries.

“We have offered the McResource program to help our valued McDonald’s McEmployees with McWork and McLife McGuidance, prepared by independent third party McExperts.  A combination of McFactors  beyond our control has led us to refuse to expose ourselves to outside criticisms re-evaluate, and we’ve directed our McVendor to take down the McWebsite.  Between links to expository  irrelevant and horrendous outdated information, along with outside groups we can’t controlexposing taking elements out of context, we realized we were paying for this created unwarranted McScrutiny and inappropriate commentary,” McComb said, in a freshly prepared McStatement with no fillers or extenders.

She munched on:  “None of this helps our McDonald’s McTeam McMembers. [laughter] Without the McWebsite, we’ll be forced to provide Mcservice to them through an internal telephone McHelp line, which is how the majority of McEmployees access the McResource McServices anyway.”

The site now shows Ronald McDonald with a speech balloon saying:  “We’ll Be Back real McSoon!  We are temporarily performing some McMaintenance in order to provide you with the McBest experience possible!  Please excuse us while these McUpgrades are being made with only the freshest ingredients!”

The fast-food advice flap is the latest blunder involving the site during the last few months;  recent tone-deaf advice to employees included a tipping guide which included suggestions for tipping au pairs, personal fitness trainers, and sure, pool cleaners.

 

 

CRUZ TALKS TO GRILLED SAUSAGE

 Posted by on October 18, 2013 at 7:20 PM
Oct 182013
 

CruzDoGSenator Ted Cruz walked out of the Mens Congressional restroom Friday, talking to a levitating ballpark frank.

WASHINGTON—  A partially dressed and apparently deranged Ted Cruz (®Texas), emerged from the Congressional Mens room Friday, alternately sobbing and talking incoherently with an invisible grilled hot dog, which he claimed was hovering just in front of him.

The Senator was met outside the restroom by a phalanx of Capital Hill reporters with recording devices and a few snickers.

When asked why he was sobbing, Cruz responded, “Look!  Just look what they did to my sweet little dog;  Obamacare grilled my sweet little dog.”

“Where is your dog now, sir? asked Fox News reporter, Ed Henry.  “There— there in the lights, just in front of me” replied Cruz.  An uncomfortable silence was broken by the arrival of Capital Hill Security, who escorted Cruz from the room.

Cruz, who Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) recently said was “…a laughing stock to everybody but him,” led the costly Tea Party debacle which shut down the United States Government for sixteen days;  current estimates say the shutdown cost 900,000 jobs.

NATIONAL LAUGHINGSTOCK

 Posted by on October 9, 2013 at 5:27 PM
Oct 092013
 

NatLaughingStockThis month’s national laughingstock just happens to be an adult crybaby.

This sorry-assed excuse for a magazine found its way into my personal space yesterday.  Not only was it not funny, but it pissed me off in a way that I have seldom experienced since I stopped abusing certain vile foamy liquids and other assorted borderline ingestibles.

Many of you are too young in this adventure to remember National LAMPOON magazine, let alone one of their most memorable covers, from January 1973.  (See it here.)  But unlike that cover, this parody did not make me feel sorry for the Boner-as-victim of his own groveling attempts to destroy the American government and …  you know what, just forget it.

Forget all the antics of the Republican “party” for a moment.  Just answer this question:  Why is a sniveling crybaby the Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States?

Is this really the best creature we can squeeze out of our gene pool?

Apparently it is, so then, go ahead, Repuglican’ts;  do your worst, you catatonic douchebags.

America has it coming.

Derpy Pancake Bunny Argument Is Invalid

 Posted by on June 25, 2013 at 3:35 PM
Jun 252013
 

Alito Pancake Bunny DerpDerp Sammy is a Pancake Bunny.  Your argument is invalid.

WASHINGTON D.C. —  In an increasingly common display of douchey derpiness, Pancake Bunny and Supreme Court Justice Sammy Alito rolled his eyes and wagged his head as Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg read her dissents from the majority in two employee discrimination cases this week, in which the Court ruled— surprise— in favor of employers.* 

Longtime Supreme Court observer and Pancake Bunny expert, Garrett Eppstien-Barr, called it a simple “dickweed-tantrum” and a “childish display of derp rudeness.”

Go onnnnnnnn, Garrett:

“Alito pursed his lips, rolled his eyes to the ceiling, and shook his head ‘no.'”  He looked for all the world like Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, signaling to the homies his contempt for Ray Walston as the bothersome history teacher, Mr. Hand.”

He added that Alito’s acting out “brought gasps from more than one person in the audience.”

A couple weeks ago Alito is also said to have rolled his eyes and shook his head while Justice Sonia Sotomayor was speaking, and “glowered” at Justice Elena Kagan.  “Yeah bitches, I got this,” he muttered under his breath.

And remember a few years ago Alito got his briefs in a twist when President Barack Obama criticized the Court’s Citizens United ruling during the State of the Union address— while in Mr. Alito’s presence.

Are you getting this yet?  Sammy Alito is simply a rude mother fucker.

 

pancake_bunnyThe original pancake bunny could not be reached for comment¹, but we’re pretty damned sure he would recuse himself on whether or not Alito is as big a derped-up pancake bunny as he appears.

 

 

* (Vance v. Ball State and University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center v. Nassar)

¹ (He’s dead)