BLOWFISH: TRUMP EDITION

 Posted by on July 11, 2015 at 9:04 AM
Jul 112015
 

BLOW Trump FISHBLOWFISH Megazine always features a human blowfish on the cover.

It’s a thing I do; subscribe to weird magazines.  BLOWFISH has been publishing for a few years now, but wasn’t one of my favorites until this issue.  Like a lot of Democrats and Independents, I like my blowfish with a nice caper tartar sauce.  And like an increasing number of Republicans, I loath the two-legged variety that wears silk ties made in China.

When I was a kid “summering” in the torpid backwaters of the Illinois River, my best friend Philip and I would spend countless hours fishing from my dad’s homemade green fishing boat.  Various species of fish populated the sloughs and shores where we fished, but the blowfish, being a saltwater creature, was not among them.  Maybe the “crappie” (say: “crappy”) could be considered the freshwater equivalent.  Truth is, I never heard of blowfish until I joined the Navy;  the Navy was full of blowfish.  But shit, that’s another story.

When you say blowfish, most people think of the poisonous pufferfish, or Fugu.  It’s a big family, and the members are variously called pufferfish, puffers, balloonfish, blowfish, bubblefish, bloatfish, bloaters, globefish, swellfish, toadfish, toadies, honey toads, sugar toads, and what the hell is that??   And now, you can add Trumpfish to the list.  

In the BLOWFISH interview, Donald If His Lips Are Moving He’s Lying Trump didn’t really cover any new ground, just the usual scorched earth bravado of recent weeks liberally peppered with the phrase, “I’m tremendously wealthy.”  But what was interesting was how transparently stupid he sounds when he, you know, talks; even in writing.

Blowfish bellies are covered with small, short spines, not unlike the soft underbellies of politicians.  The spines make it tough to penetrate their vulnerable underbellies, making their gut more or less impervious to the world around them.  A lot of critics look at Trump and just see a mouthy, out-of-touch troglodyte, pushing his brand into our national political debate, as if it were just another marketing opportunity.  Yeah, there’s that.  But there’s an increasing number of Democrats who see his “campaign” as a gift-blowfish;  a surefire victory for anyone the Democrats will nominate to run against whomever emerges from the Republican Clown Car.
Hmm.

GOLF IS JUST FOR RICH DOUCHEBAGS LIKE ME.

 Posted by on July 5, 2015 at 1:13 PM
Jul 052015
 

Donald Trump Luvs Him Some ImmigrantsLemme tell yooz something okay— you see those Mexican guys behind me, the non-rapist, non-criminal type Mexicans, playin’ there in my tremendous yard?  I have assured the non-rapist and noncriminal Mexicans, the good ones,I assume, that I love them and their country, and their smart leaders who are smarter than our leaders!  Look, I am tremendously wealthy,tree-mennn-dously wealthy— and trust me,I can afford to love everyone of them if I wanted to, but let me say this: instead, they are sending us their criminals, their rapists, their murderers, their tacos, their tortillas, and you know, many many other types of their food I don’t care to pronounce. There could be anywhere from 11 million to 34 million, nobody knows;  nobody knows.  And you know I’m right, they know I’m right, everybody knows I’m right, including the LGPA, the PGA, the USGA, the LMOP, the QRST, everybody! 

“In response to Mr. Trump’s comments about the golf industry ‘knowing he is right’ in regards to his recent statements about Mexican immigrants, we feel compelled to clarify that those remarks do not reflect the views of our organizations. While the LPGA, PGA of America, PGA Tour and USGA don’t usually comment on Presidential politics, Mr. Trump’s comments are inconsistent with our strong commitment to an inclusive and welcoming environment in the game of golf, to anyone who can afford it.” —LPGA

KICK THEIR BUTTS, UNCLE BERNIE.

 Posted by on July 2, 2015 at 12:04 PM
Jul 022015
 

Uncle Bernie
That’s right Uncle Bernie, KICK THEIR BUTTS.  “Their” being all those Americans who sit on their butts and don’t vote in elections.  “Their” being those Americans who aren’t even registered to vote.  “Their” being all Americans who think Politics in this country is broken beyond repair.

If you happen to own one of those butts mentioned above, or are just a less than enthusiastic voter when it comes to the 2016 presidential elections, because, well, you’re too busy— here’s a news flash for you— and try to imagine it being delivered with a swift kick to your buttocks:  The new base of the Democratic party is unmarried women, people of color, and young voters— the Rising American Electorate (RAE)— and they already represent a majority of voting-eligible citizens.

And that’s totally meaningless when the majority of them don’t actually vote.  Yes, they flexed their new-found electoral muscles to elect the first black president, and then blew off the 2010 midterm elections, because:

•  2.7% could not find their polling place
•  3.9% forgot to vote
•  5.5% experienced a registration issue
•  8.6% were out of town
•  10.0% were punishing their own party
 10.2% don’t know what “elections” are
 11.8% said they were just plain indolent   
•  12.7% did not like the candidates or campaign issues
•  15.7% reported not being interested
•  18.9% were too busy

(Black and Red stats are real;  Purple stats are my best snarky guess. )

Non-voters are disproportionately young, single, less educated, and more likely to be of an ethnic minority than those who say they are infrequent voters, and those who are frequent voters.  Forty percent of nonvoters are under thirty years old, compared to 29% of infrequent voters and 14% of frequent voters.  Compared to 60% of infrequent voters, and 70% of frequent voters, 54% of nonvoters are Caucasian.

The perception that politics are controlled by special interests represents a significant excuse for lack of voter participation.  In recent surveys, a feeling that candidates “don’t really speak to them” was cited as a leading reason why infrequent voters and nonvoters justify not voting.

The kids are turned off from politics, they say.
Most of ’em don’t even want to hear about it.
All they want to do these days is lie around on waterbeds
and smoke that goddamn marrywanna … yeah, and just
between you and me Fred, that’s probably all for the best.
—HUNTER S. THOMPSON
Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72

And then there are voices (well, at least one voice) that says, yawn.. it’s Obama‘s fault, and it’s been his fault all along.  “Nothing better dramatizes the damage that President Obama has done to Democrats than the fact that Republicans now control the House of Representatives, the Senate, and a majority of governorships across America.  Obama’s political style depresses liberal Democratic voters, who then would not turn out on Election Day, while inflaming conservative Republican voters, who would turn out,” blah, blah, blah.

Public opinion, the mores— is the basic energy in social evolution and state development.  And when that energy is manifested through universal suffrage in the hands of uneducated and indolent majorities, we get the likes of George W. Bush;  Louie Gohmert;  Michele Bachmann;  Sarah Palin;  the current GOP Clown Car.

Representative government presupposes an intelligent, efficient, and universal electorate.  The character of government is always determined by the character of those who compose it.  As civilization progresses, suffrage needs to be effectively modified.  Every free and intelligent group of citizens represents a vital and functioning organ within the larger governmental organism.

Unless a free people are educated— taught to think intelligently and plan wisely— freedom usually does more harm than good.  When fifty percent of any nation’s people become brainwashed, uneducated, intellectually challenged buffoons, and possesses the ballot— that nation is doomed.  The dominance of mediocrity will spell the downfall of any nation.

[NOTE TO BERNIE]  Bernie, when you make it to the White House, and after you’ve solved all the really intractable problems facing America and the World, make sure voting is compulsory, and make it easy to do so.  And if they don’t vote, say because they think they’re too busy, not interested, don’t give a shit, then assess heavy fines against all who fail to cast their ballots.

The survival of democracy is dependent on successful representative government; and that is conditioned upon the practice of electing only those who are technically trained, intellectually competent, socially loyal, and morally fit.  Only by such provisions can government of the people, by the people, and for the people be preserved.
The URANTIA Book

Meet The New Clowns, Same As The Old Clowns

 Posted by on May 11, 2015 at 1:50 PM
May 112015
 

A Garrulous Guide To The 2016 Republican Presidential Trainwreck 

Repug2016ClownsIt’s not so much a “clown car” anymore as it is a “clown caboose.”*  In no intentional order, on their knees:  Benjamin Solomon Carson Sr, Richard John Santorum, Christopher James Christie, Lindsey Olin Graham, Michael Dale Huckabee;  on their own two feet:  Dennis Michael Lynch, John Ellis Bush, Marco Antonio Rubio, Rafael Edward Cruz, James Richard Perry, Piyush Subhas Chandra Amrit Jindal, Charles Perry Andrews III;  On the backs of the poor:  Donald John Trump, Dale H. Christensen, Cara Carleton Sneed-Fiorina, Randal Howard Paul, and Scott Kevin Walker
If you want to smell their desperation, you must click it. 

BARNUM, IOWA —  In an unprecedented display of clownish Republican solidarity, seventeen presidential hopefuls, some declared, some undeclared, descended on the 191 souls of Barnum, Iowa, and slipped into the cozy confines of an unlocked circus cage and commenced to cavorting in psuedo-clown fashion.  I say “psuedo-clown” because, after several hours of caustic negotiations, all seventeen agreed to appear sans-clownface as a protest against, yes, Barack Obama.  I don’t even know.  So yeah;  in some freakish display of mob vanity, they even managed to hose up the clown part.

The 237 acres that are Barnum Iowa are surrounded on all four sides by growing corn.  There is a Fire Department, and across the tracks on Front Street, there is a small drinking establishment, the Front & Center Bar.  There is a U. S. Post Office.  And also too, now, there is a circus tent in the middle of the baseball field of the regional educational edifice.

Inside the GOP tent, inside the center ring, inside the wild animal cage, each candidate holds forth for a scheduled fifteen minute, up close and personal “Get To Know Me” presentation.  After a highly competitive drawing of straws, “Thirsty the Clown,” aka Marco Rubio, bounds onto the circular podium, which had previously been used only by trained seals.

After some last second hydration and careful preening of his red wig, Thirsty tells the smattering of Barnumites that he supports a flat federal tax rate, opposes the capital gains tax, (which draws chuckles from two or three), and that taxes should never, ever, ever be raised during a recession.  Staring straight into the faces of the elderly of Barnum, he says he believes the age at which a person can begin collecting Social Security benefits should be raised for those more than ten years away from retirement, because, you know, increased life expectancy.  He doesn’t get into the weeds of that notion, i.e., that family history, marital status, economic status, physique, exercise, diet, drug use, smoking, alcohol consumption, disposition, education, environment, sleep, climate, and health care— are all factors affecting life expectancy.

After the gong sounds alerting him that his time is up, Thirsty says he is strongly pro-life, opposes same-sex marriage, and that there is no. responsible. way. to use marijuana recreationally.

Then a question is shouted from the dark recesses of the bigtop:  “Why arn’t y’awl addressin’ the Jade Helm 15 crisis?”  There is a tangible shock, like a giant Taser, that zaps not only Thirsty the Clown, but all the other candidates waiting backstage.  Suddenly there’s a new, even crazier Republican litmus test for crazy.   A voice from outside the ring answers the question.

A bright spotlight follows Teddy (Cruz) the Clown into the ring as he intones, “Jade Helm 15 is supposedly just a military training exercise.  I personally have no reason to doubt that, yet— but I perfectly understand the reason for your concern and hysteria, because when the federal government has not demonstrated itself to be trustworthy— like this administration hasn’t— the natural consequence is that many of our finest citizens don’t trust what it is saying.”

Another voice calls out of the darkness, “Just a minute there Teddy, I believe I have the tent floor.”  Waving the second-shortest straw, Tubby (Huckabee) the Clown lumbers slowly towards the podium. But before he can utter a single racist word, Randy (Paul) the Clown seizes the opportunity by deftly pirouetting around Tubby’s gelatinous bulk, drawling, “Jade Helm 15 looks like an attempt by the Hillary Clinton to hand over to illegal immigrants the jobs of hard-working American citizens!”  Angry gasps erupt from two of the several Barnumites who still remain under the GOP bigtop as the rest of the candidates begin jostling each other to get a foothold on the seal platform.

And from here it got really really ugly.  Jebby started throwing elbows, angrily shouting how he would’ve invaded Iraq too, given all the false intelligence… Carly smashes an HP all-in-one printer over Blinky’s head… Pickles says he will not be bullied by the HP Corporation, or anyone else…  Lil Ricky starts handing out Bibles to all seven of the remaining spectators…  Honky, Hunky, Missy, Skippy, Zippy, Big Ricky, and Mouthy escalate a free-for-all with nerf bats and monkey poo…

So let the primaries begin!  Or not.  Sources tell US that soon it will be completely obvious that Jade Helm 15 is really a sekrit plan to ferret the entire clown caboose deep under the Livingston, Texas Walmart, supposedly closed for “renovations.”

*  Half of Americans now say the GOP is too extreme, up 7 points since November.  The percentage saying Democrats are too extreme has remained relatively steady at 39 percent.

 


Repug Clowns

 

Centrally Scrutinized: Again. And Again.

 Posted by on December 3, 2014 at 5:37 PM
Dec 032014
 

Mister-RonTrue:  Frank Zappa persuaded Mister Ron* to lose ten pounds of ugly fat for this year’s ZAPPADAN.

Hi.  It’s me again.  I’m back.  December 4th is the beginning of Zappadan, an exhilarating esoteric festival celebrating the role of small electrical appliances, icing anointment utensils, cream cheese, and pansexual roto plukers in the discography of Frank Zappa.  And other stuff.

In our short, intense lives here on this tiny little planet tumbling through the weasel dust of time and space, many of you have realized, at last, that imaginary guitar notes, and imaginary vocals, exist only in the imagination of the imaginer…  and ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway…

Excussse me.  We do.

So.  We go back to our ugly little rooms, hang some Zappadan paraphernalia around the house, you know, like a string of toasters, or roto-plukers, cue up some Z, and quietly dream about our last guitar solo;  and get thoroughly screwwwwwwwwwwwtinnizzzzed.  Again and again.

As you can see, music can get you prittty  fucked  up;   so take a tip from Joe;  do like he did;  hug your imaginary guitar, and get a good job;  Joe did, and he’s a “happy guy,” now. . . on the day shift at the utility muffin research kitchen;  where he arrogantly twists the canvas snoot of a fully-charged icing anointment utensil, and every time a muff. . .  well.  You know the rest.
Better Muffins

On sale just in time for the X-mas Gluten-stuffing Extravaganza pageant gala blowout thing later this month.

So suck on a tall WP&LJ, and get the holiday off right by searching “Zappadan” in our archives;  you’ll be glad you did.

And let the anointing begin.  :—{>

 

*Yes, now there are two Mister Rons;  the one who runs Appliantology, and the one who runs Gluttonology. Or here.

 

They’re Baaaaack… And It’s Your Fault.

 Posted by on November 7, 2014 at 12:02 AM
Nov 072014
 

McConnell's TatsTwo words:  Term Limits.  After more than thirty years of conducting business for the guvmint, those tats on Addison’s mug represent just a smattering of the corporations and their products that have helped make him the 11th wealthiest member of the Senate.

 

“The Obama Era (for politics) is over.”
—Howard Fineman
 


If that’s true, then we should start pretending Democrats aren’t too chickenshit to lead start finding ethical ways to get Democrats and Independents to actually VOTE; the Republicans have already found the unethical ways.

Some talking head actually said “the Republican wave of victory” was the result of “methodical plotting and careful candidate vetting.”  (Perhaps to ensure their candidates weren’t publicly recorded blathering on about second amendment remedies, legitimate rape, not enough guns in church, etc.)  It was, of course, just the usual relentless combination of fearmongering and propaganda; e.g., Have a double dose of Ebola pudding with your ISIS coronary, fellow petrified patriots! (Seriously: did anybody read Jacques Ellul’s book?*)  And we must not overlook the gargantuan sums of munny being spewed by the corporate overlards— $3.67 billion, according to the Center for Responsive Politics— which make the soupçon economic-cultural bandaids of new minimum wages in Alaska, Arkansas, and Nebraska and legalized cannabis in Alaska, Oregon, and D.C., seem starkly ludicrous by comparison.

Other talking head chatter awards this latest shift in power directly to the credit of Mitch McConnell, whose strategy of blaming everything that’s wrong in the world on Barack Obama has been wildly effective.  Sure, you may see a picture of Barack sipping alcohol in the Green Room with Addison, but it won’t be Kentucky Bourbon, it’ll be Jack Daniels Old Number 7, (see Mitch’s throat, above) and don’t be surprised if McConnell doesn’t drink a drop.)  And now that they’ve been handed the keys to the same vehicle Obama has finally driven out of the ditch, GOPpers can get back to the business of repeatedly running over ObamaCare and bleeding the last dime out of the dregs of the middle class; or, as they like to call it, “governing.”

Roughly sixty percent of Americans didn’t bother to vote in yesterday’s election.  It varies from state to state of course, from a low 28% in Indiana, to 59% in Maine, but generally only a third of the eligible population bothers to show up. In a word, disgusting.

There are some things we could do to turn this around. Do like Australia does:  fine the shit out of anyone who doesn’t cast their ballot;  make the fine commensurate with total income, and make it hurt.

Mandatory suffrage would not be without problems, just as it is now in the hands of our uneducated and propagandized majorities.  But the continued election of base and ignorant politicians (Gohmert, Bachmann, Kruz, Barton, King, Schweikert, Rand, Rubio, Kyl, Emmer, Comstock, Grothman, Mooney, Buck, Hice, etc., etc.) is a very real threat and present danger to our democracy.

Representative government presupposes an intelligent, efficient, honest, and universal electorate.  The character of such a government always depends on the character and caliber of those who compose it.  But when fifty percent of a nation is inferior or stupid— and possesses the ballot— that nation is doomed.
The total dominance of mediocrity will spell the downfall of our nation.

* PROPAGANDA The Formation Of Men’s Attitudes 1965

BUTTS ON THE GROUND

 Posted by on September 29, 2014 at 12:29 PM
Sep 292014
 

Bhoener ButtsYeah that’s McConnell and yeah he’s dead, and Putterer of the House, Boner Boehner, reeks the Press.

WASHINGTON—   House Putterer John Boehner (R-OH.M.G.) was ragging to the press earlier today about President Barack Obama’s strategy against ISIS, saying “butts on the ground” would be needed, because, well, that’s just how “we roll.”  He was reluctant to say just whose butts he intends to roll into harm’s way.

“At the end of the day, uh, I think it’s gonna take more than, uh, airstrikes and billions of dollars to drive them outta there,” Boehner said.  “At some point, somebody’s spawn has gotta get their butts blown off.”

Reporter Mal Aprop of BSN asked if that meant American butts.

“Listen, the president doesn’t want to do that, because he doesn’t have the stomach for killing, no matter what the reason.  But if I were the president, I probably wouldn’t have talked about what I wouldn’t do, or, uh, you know, what I might do.  Or even what I would do do.   But where I come from, War always means butts on the ground, so somebody’s butts have to be there.”

“So you would recommend putting American butts on the ground, then?” asked Aprop.

“We have no choice,” Boehner sobbed, dabbing away tears.  “These are Conan-like barbarians.   They said they wanna kill us.  So unless we all just wanna lay down and die, we’re gonna hafta pay the price and, uh.. send some more of your children’s butts over there to die.”