Meet The New Clowns, Same As The Old Clowns

 Posted by on May 11, 2015 at 1:50 PM
May 112015

A Garrulous Guide To The 2016 Republican Presidential Trainwreck 

Repug2016ClownsIt’s not so much a “clown car” anymore as it is a “clown caboose.”*  In no intentional order, on their knees:  Benjamin Solomon Carson Sr, Richard John Santorum, Christopher James Christie, Lindsey Olin Graham, Michael Dale Huckabee;  on their own two feet:  Dennis Michael Lynch, John Ellis Bush, Marco Antonio Rubio, Rafael Edward Cruz, James Richard Perry, Piyush Subhas Chandra Amrit Jindal, Charles Perry Andrews III;  On the backs of the poor:  Donald John Trump, Dale H. Christensen, Cara Carleton Sneed-Fiorina, Randal Howard Paul, and Scott Kevin Walker
If you want to smell their desperation, you must click it. 

BARNUM, IOWA —  In an unprecedented display of clownish Republican solidarity, seventeen presidential hopefuls, some declared, some undeclared, descended on the 191 souls of Barnum, Iowa, and slipped into the cozy confines of an unlocked circus cage and commenced to cavorting in psuedo-clown fashion.  I say “psuedo-clown” because, after several hours of caustic negotiations, all seventeen agreed to appear sans-clownface as a protest against, yes, Barack Obama.  I don’t even know.  So yeah;  in some freakish display of mob vanity, they even managed to hose up the clown part.

The 237 acres that are Barnum Iowa are surrounded on all four sides by growing corn.  There is a Fire Department, and across the tracks on Front Street, there is a small drinking establishment, the Front & Center Bar.  There is a U. S. Post Office.  And also too, now, there is a circus tent in the middle of the baseball field of the regional educational edifice.

Inside the GOP tent, inside the center ring, inside the wild animal cage, each candidate holds forth for a scheduled fifteen minute, up close and personal “Get To Know Me” presentation.  After a highly competitive drawing of straws, “Thirsty the Clown,” aka Marco Rubio, bounds onto the circular podium, which had previously been used only by trained seals.

After some last second hydration and careful preening of his red wig, Thirsty tells the smattering of Barnumites that he supports a flat federal tax rate, opposes the capital gains tax, (which draws chuckles from two or three), and that taxes should never, ever, ever be raised during a recession.  Staring straight into the faces of the elderly of Barnum, he says he believes the age at which a person can begin collecting Social Security benefits should be raised for those more than ten years away from retirement, because, you know, increased life expectancy.  He doesn’t get into the weeds of that notion, i.e., that family history, marital status, economic status, physique, exercise, diet, drug use, smoking, alcohol consumption, disposition, education, environment, sleep, climate, and health care— are all factors affecting life expectancy.

After the gong sounds alerting him that his time is up, Thirsty says he is strongly pro-life, opposes same-sex marriage, and that there is no. responsible. way. to use marijuana recreationally.

Then a question is shouted from the dark recesses of the bigtop:  “Why arn’t y’awl addressin’ the Jade Helm 15 crisis?”  There is a tangible shock, like a giant Taser, that zaps not only Thirsty the Clown, but all the other candidates waiting backstage.  Suddenly there’s a new, even crazier Republican litmus test for crazy.   A voice from outside the ring answers the question.

A bright spotlight follows Teddy (Cruz) the Clown into the ring as he intones, “Jade Helm 15 is supposedly just a military training exercise.  I personally have no reason to doubt that, yet— but I perfectly understand the reason for your concern and hysteria, because when the federal government has not demonstrated itself to be trustworthy— like this administration hasn’t— the natural consequence is that many of our finest citizens don’t trust what it is saying.”

Another voice calls out of the darkness, “Just a minute there Teddy, I believe I have the tent floor.”  Waving the second-shortest straw, Tubby (Huckabee) the Clown lumbers slowly towards the podium. But before he can utter a single racist word, Randy (Paul) the Clown seizes the opportunity by deftly pirouetting around Tubby’s gelatinous bulk, drawling, “Jade Helm 15 looks like an attempt by the Hillary Clinton to hand over to illegal immigrants the jobs of hard-working American citizens!”  Angry gasps erupt from two of the several Barnumites who still remain under the GOP bigtop as the rest of the candidates begin jostling each other to get a foothold on the seal platform.

And from here it got really really ugly.  Jebby started throwing elbows, angrily shouting how he would’ve invaded Iraq too, given all the false intelligence… Carly smashes an HP all-in-one printer over Blinky’s head… Pickles says he will not be bullied by the HP Corporation, or anyone else…  Lil Ricky starts handing out Bibles to all seven of the remaining spectators…  Honky, Hunky, Missy, Skippy, Zippy, Big Ricky, and Mouthy escalate a free-for-all with nerf bats and monkey poo…

So let the primaries begin!  Or not.  Sources tell US that soon it will be completely obvious that Jade Helm 15 is really a sekrit plan to ferret the entire clown caboose deep under the Livingston, Texas Walmart, supposedly closed for “renovations.”

*  Half of Americans now say the GOP is too extreme, up 7 points since November.  The percentage saying Democrats are too extreme has remained relatively steady at 39 percent.


Repug Clowns


Centrally Scrutinized: Again. And Again.

 Posted by on December 3, 2014 at 5:37 PM
Dec 032014

Mister-RonTrue:  Frank Zappa persuaded Mister Ron* to lose ten pounds of ugly fat for this year’s ZAPPADAN.

Hi.  It’s me again.  I’m back.  December 4th is the beginning of Zappadan, an exhilarating esoteric festival celebrating the role of small electrical appliances, icing anointment utensils, cream cheese, and pansexual roto plukers in the discography of Frank Zappa.  And other stuff.

In our short, intense lives here on this tiny little planet tumbling through the weasel dust of time and space, many of you have realized, at last, that imaginary guitar notes, and imaginary vocals, exist only in the imagination of the imaginer…  and ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway…

Excussse me.  We do.

So.  We go back to our ugly little rooms, hang some Zappadan paraphernalia around the house, you know, like a string of toasters, or roto-plukers, cue up some Z, and quietly dream about our last guitar solo;  and get thoroughly screwwwwwwwwwwwtinnizzzzed.  Again and again.

As you can see, music can get you prittty  fucked  up;   so take a tip from Joe;  do like he did;  hug your imaginary guitar, and get a good job;  Joe did, and he’s a “happy guy,” now. . . on the day shift at the utility muffin research kitchen;  where he arrogantly twists the canvas snoot of a fully-charged icing anointment utensil, and every time a muff. . .  well.  You know the rest.
Better Muffins

On sale just in time for the X-mas Gluten-stuffing Extravaganza pageant gala blowout thing later this month.

So suck on a tall WP&LJ, and get the holiday off right by searching “Zappadan” in our archives;  you’ll be glad you did.

And let the anointing begin.  :—{>


*Yes, now there are two Mister Rons;  the one who runs Appliantology, and the one who runs Gluttonology. Or here.


They’re Baaaaack… And It’s Your Fault.

 Posted by on November 7, 2014 at 12:02 AM
Nov 072014

McConnell's TatsTwo words:  Term Limits.  After more than thirty years of conducting business for the guvmint, those tats on Addison’s mug represent just a smattering of the corporations and their products that have helped make him the 11th wealthiest member of the Senate.


“The Obama Era (for politics) is over.”
—Howard Fineman

If that’s true, then we should start pretending Democrats aren’t too chickenshit to lead start finding ethical ways to get Democrats and Independents to actually VOTE; the Republicans have already found the unethical ways.

Some talking head actually said “the Republican wave of victory” was the result of “methodical plotting and careful candidate vetting.”  (Perhaps to ensure their candidates weren’t publicly recorded blathering on about second amendment remedies, legitimate rape, not enough guns in church, etc.)  It was, of course, just the usual relentless combination of fearmongering and propaganda; e.g., Have a double dose of Ebola pudding with your ISIS coronary, fellow petrified patriots! (Seriously: did anybody read Jacques Ellul’s book?*)  And we must not overlook the gargantuan sums of munny being spewed by the corporate overlards— $3.67 billion, according to the Center for Responsive Politics— which make the soupçon economic-cultural bandaids of new minimum wages in Alaska, Arkansas, and Nebraska and legalized cannabis in Alaska, Oregon, and D.C., seem starkly ludicrous by comparison.

Other talking head chatter awards this latest shift in power directly to the credit of Mitch McConnell, whose strategy of blaming everything that’s wrong in the world on Barack Obama has been wildly effective.  Sure, you may see a picture of Barack sipping alcohol in the Green Room with Addison, but it won’t be Kentucky Bourbon, it’ll be Jack Daniels Old Number 7, (see Mitch’s throat, above) and don’t be surprised if McConnell doesn’t drink a drop.)  And now that they’ve been handed the keys to the same vehicle Obama has finally driven out of the ditch, GOPpers can get back to the business of repeatedly running over ObamaCare and bleeding the last dime out of the dregs of the middle class; or, as they like to call it, “governing.”

Roughly sixty percent of Americans didn’t bother to vote in yesterday’s election.  It varies from state to state of course, from a low 28% in Indiana, to 59% in Maine, but generally only a third of the eligible population bothers to show up. In a word, disgusting.

There are some things we could do to turn this around. Do like Australia does:  fine the shit out of anyone who doesn’t cast their ballot;  make the fine commensurate with total income, and make it hurt.

Mandatory suffrage would not be without problems, just as it is now in the hands of our uneducated and propagandized majorities.  But the continued election of base and ignorant politicians (Gohmert, Bachmann, Kruz, Barton, King, Schweikert, Rand, Rubio, Kyl, Emmer, Comstock, Grothman, Mooney, Buck, Hice, etc., etc.) is a very real threat and present danger to our democracy.

Representative government presupposes an intelligent, efficient, honest, and universal electorate.  The character of such a government always depends on the character and caliber of those who compose it.  But when fifty percent of a nation is inferior or stupid— and possesses the ballot— that nation is doomed.
The total dominance of mediocrity will spell the downfall of our nation.

* PROPAGANDA The Formation Of Men’s Attitudes 1965


 Posted by on September 29, 2014 at 12:29 PM
Sep 292014

Bhoener ButtsYeah that’s McConnell and yeah he’s dead, and Putterer of the House, Boner Boehner, reeks the Press.

WASHINGTON—   House Putterer John Boehner (R-OH.M.G.) was ragging to the press earlier today about President Barack Obama’s strategy against ISIS, saying “butts on the ground” would be needed, because, well, that’s just how “we roll.”  He was reluctant to say just whose butts he intends to roll into harm’s way.

“At the end of the day, uh, I think it’s gonna take more than, uh, airstrikes and billions of dollars to drive them outta there,” Boehner said.  “At some point, somebody’s spawn has gotta get their butts blown off.”

Reporter Mal Aprop of BSN asked if that meant American butts.

“Listen, the president doesn’t want to do that, because he doesn’t have the stomach for killing, no matter what the reason.  But if I were the president, I probably wouldn’t have talked about what I wouldn’t do, or, uh, you know, what I might do.  Or even what I would do do.   But where I come from, War always means butts on the ground, so somebody’s butts have to be there.”

“So you would recommend putting American butts on the ground, then?” asked Aprop.

“We have no choice,” Boehner sobbed, dabbing away tears.  “These are Conan-like barbarians.   They said they wanna kill us.  So unless we all just wanna lay down and die, we’re gonna hafta pay the price and, uh.. send some more of your children’s butts over there to die.”


 Posted by on March 3, 2014 at 1:44 PM
Mar 032014

Let’s review. . .
Laurence Lewis:

To Republicans, schadenfreude may be a favorite form of entertainment, but hurting people economically also serves a critical purpose. The more desperate people are to find work, the more likely they will be to accept any work at any wages under any conditions. Kick them while they are down, and try to make them beg. Being able to disparage and demonize them is an added bonus.

Jesus worked, lived, and traded in the world as he found it. He was not an economic reformer, although he did frequently call attention to the injustice of the unequal distribution of wealth. But he did not offer any suggestions by way of remedy. He made it plain to the three that, while his apostles were not to hold property, he was not preaching against wealth and property, merely its unequal and unfair distribution. He recognized the need for social justice and industrial fairness, but he offered no rules for their attainment.
The Urantia Book

The cleansing of the temple discloses the Master’s attitude toward commercializing the practices of religion as well as his detestation of all forms of unfairness and profiteering at the expense of the poor and the unlearned. This episode also demonstrates that Jesus did not look with approval upon the refusal to employ force to protect the majority of any given human group against the unfair and enslaving practices of unjust minorities who may be able to entrench themselves behind political, financial, or ecclesiastical power. Shrewd, wicked, and designing men are not to be permitted to organize themselves for the exploitation and oppression of those who, because of their idealism, are not disposed to resort to force for self-protection or for the furtherance of their laudable life projects.
The Urantia Book

Trouble In McDonaldland

 Posted by on December 30, 2013 at 6:06 AM
Dec 302013

BigMacThe flagship burger of McDonaldland is the Big Mac, shown above with a list of its ingredients supplied by McDonalds.

McDONALDLAND —  Refusing to answer questions about Mayor McCheese‘s crack cocaine use, McLisa McComb, a spokeswoman for McDonald’s USA, announced the demise of the online presence of the McResource program, following the solicited appearance on their McWebsite of  “unnecessary McViews and McCriticism” of their cheeseburgers and fries.

“We have offered the McResource program to help our valued McDonald’s McEmployees with McWork and McLife McGuidance, prepared by independent third party McExperts.  A combination of McFactors  beyond our control has led us to refuse to expose ourselves to outside criticisms re-evaluate, and we’ve directed our McVendor to take down the McWebsite.  Between links to expository  irrelevant and horrendous outdated information, along with outside groups we can’t controlexposing taking elements out of context, we realized we were paying for this created unwarranted McScrutiny and inappropriate commentary,” McComb said, in a freshly prepared McStatement with no fillers or extenders.

She munched on:  “None of this helps our McDonald’s McTeam McMembers. [laughter] Without the McWebsite, we’ll be forced to provide Mcservice to them through an internal telephone McHelp line, which is how the majority of McEmployees access the McResource McServices anyway.”

The site now shows Ronald McDonald with a speech balloon saying:  “We’ll Be Back real McSoon!  We are temporarily performing some McMaintenance in order to provide you with the McBest experience possible!  Please excuse us while these McUpgrades are being made with only the freshest ingredients!”

The fast-food advice flap is the latest blunder involving the site during the last few months;  recent tone-deaf advice to employees included a tipping guide which included suggestions for tipping au pairs, personal fitness trainers, and sure, pool cleaners.




 Posted by on October 18, 2013 at 7:20 PM
Oct 182013

CruzDoGSenator Ted Cruz walked out of the Mens Congressional restroom Friday, talking to a levitating ballpark frank.

WASHINGTON—  A partially dressed and apparently deranged Ted Cruz (®Texas), emerged from the Congressional Mens room Friday, alternately sobbing and talking incoherently with an invisible grilled hot dog, which he claimed was hovering just in front of him.

The Senator was met outside the restroom by a phalanx of Capital Hill reporters with recording devices and a few snickers.

When asked why he was sobbing, Cruz responded, “Look!  Just look what they did to my sweet little dog;  Obamacare grilled my sweet little dog.”

“Where is your dog now, sir? asked Fox News reporter, Ed Henry.  “There— there in the lights, just in front of me” replied Cruz.  An uncomfortable silence was broken by the arrival of Capital Hill Security, who escorted Cruz from the room.

Cruz, who Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) recently said was “…a laughing stock to everybody but him,” led the costly Tea Party debacle which shut down the United States Government for sixteen days;  current estimates say the shutdown cost 900,000 jobs.