What’s The Skinny?

Pee Wee I need a photo opportunity, I need a shot at redemption. . .


Yeah just click play while we talk.

The Indonesian flight is still missing and the Christie Bridge Fiasco is still expanding faster than his third chin. But it’s Friday, the weekend is here, we be kickin’ back.  So I went out to the guvmint box and got the mail.  Mixed in with the usual metric ton of forest waste paper was a slick, smelly NORDSTROM NERDSTROM Men’s Shop catalog magazine.  Inside were photos of skinny, underdeveloped man-children, wearing clothing that appeared uncomfortably tight, especially everywhere you normally want your clothing to be the most comfortable.
Beh Cause, FASH UN.

Pee Wee DweebyDon’t want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard. . .


They instantly reminded me of Pee-wee Herman;  then I couldn’t see them any other way.

Pee Wee Wee WeeGet these mutts away from me;  I don’t find this stuff amusing anymore. . .

So I did the only snarkological thing I could do:  put Pee-wee in the clothes.  But I did not mess with the clothing itself;  those skinny fucking legs were there already.

PeeWhipped“Boss”??   Ha.  I totally get it now.

But somebody at Nerdstrum’s knew that many people getting their 67 page junka-log would not understand what was up with the death-camp thin fash-un-something, so they included a helpful “Anatomy of a Modern Suit” chart, that points out the what-the-fuckness to us, the great t-shirt/sweatsuit/moomoo wearing masses.

. . .fashion still unduly dominates Urantia.
—The Urantia Papers

*Stereotypical nerds are commonly seen as intelligent but socially and physically awkward.  They are typically perceived as either lacking confidence or being indifferent or oblivious to the negative perceptions held of them by others, with the result that they become frequent objects of scorn, snark, ridicule, bullying, and social isolation.  Stereotypical “nerd” appearance includes very large glasses, braces, severe acne and high-water pants lifted up.  In the media, many nerds are portrayed as being physically unfit, either overweight, or very thin.  

Young MultiMillionaire Arrested

Bieber ButtYou’re doing it wrong.

CALABASAS, CA — A callow Canadian pop musician residing in the United States on an O-1 visa was arrested in Miami Beach early Thursday morning for a spontaneous performance involving drag racing, driving under the influence of alcohol and other drugs, and resisting arrest— all under the auspices of an expired Georgia driver’s license.  Nineteen year old Justin Bieber, who lives in Calabasas, was behind the peddles of a rented chicken-yellow Lamborghini when he was stopped by Miami Police.

Miami denizens say Bieber, who was nearly in a “stupor” from a night of tossing some $75,000 in paper currency onto a nightclub floor, was feeling the need for speed.  And if you must know more than that about it, or are just looking for an excuse to take a long shower, go here.

•  •  •

Wanda TalmageA dazed and near comatose Wanda Talmage of Calabasas, California sits slumped against a stunning mirrored pillar in The Commons At Calabasas Mall.

The irony of that “chicken-yellow” Lamborghini was not lost on Wanda Talmage, also of Calabasas, California.  Until last week, Ms Talmage was blissfully unaware of Justin Bieber;  in fact she was so distraught that all she knew for sure was that nearly two dozen of her children were missing, and presumed dead.

Ms Talmage is currently under-employed in a fashionably hip baby chicken mill just off the Ventura Expressway (take the 405 to Ventura, and stay on that until you cross 27, then turn on Mulholland Drive) on the outskirts of trendy Calabasas, the trendy home of numerous trendy and extremely wealthy “Californians,” many of whom have nothing better to do than make wannabe trendy parodies of already trendy parodies.


Want “The Buzz” on Calabasas, eggs and all?  Remember, this is time you can’t get back.

In monster chicken sobs, Ms Talmage recounted how she had been tricked into jizzin’ dozens of eggs for a local man named “Ralphs,” and before she knew what was happening, her embryos were whisked away, subsequently to be sold to one of Justin Bieber’s gofers, Arturo Estrada-Steinmetz.

Estrada-Steinmetz* rolled up to Las Bieb’s, and, boyiz will be boyiz, nearly twenty of Ms Talmage’s unborn were soon scrambled against the neighbor’s entryway plaster, with about the same accuracy a short order chef slings hash.  The neighbor even has a recording of Bieber hurling the eggs.

Admittedly, Talmage’s case will be difficult to make, let alone prosecute.  Beiber’s neighbor, and Miami P.D., not so much.

Of course, not everyone would react as Bieber has to the sudden acquisition of 55 million zemolas fresh out of moist prepubescent pocketbooks from around the world, as well as their undying affection.  Nevertheless, he’s quickly fashioning one hell of a cross to bear.  Here’s hoping he lives long enough to get the job done.

Yes, a fictitious foil.

A Few Moments About Our Oldest Living Ancestor.

The human race has no surviving ancestor between the frog, and the Eskimo.

Okay because I’m generally a thoughtful guy, Ima give you a “squeamish” warning about this video;
but yeah, just frog stuff.

THE FROG is the only species ancestor of the early dawn races of mankind now living on the face of the earth.  And there’s this. “Had the ancestral frog of all humanity jumped two inches less on a certain occasion, the whole course of evolution would have been markedly changed.”*

After watching that vid you’re probably wondering if that would have been a bad thing, huh.

Paper 62, Section 3, paragraph 9 of The Urantia Book: 

You can hardly realize by what narrow margins your prehuman ancestors missed extinction from time to time. Had the ancestral frog of all humanity jumped two inches less on a certain occasion, the whole course of evolution would have been markedly changed. The immediate lemurlike mother of the dawn-mammal species escaped death no less than five times by mere hairbreadth margins before she gave birth to the father of the new and higher mammalian order.

But the closest call of all was when lightning struck the tree in which the prospective mother of the Primates twins was sleeping. Both of these mid-mammal parents were severely shocked and badly burned; three of their seven children were killed by this bolt from the skies. These evolving animals were almost superstitious. This couple whose treetop home had been struck were really the leaders of the more progressive group of the mid-mammal species; and following their example, more than half the tribe, embracing the more intelligent families, moved about two miles away from this locality and began the construction of new treetop abodes and new ground shelters—their transient retreats in time of sudden danger.

 

The Fox And Friends Fruit Sandwich Has Changed

ROCKAFULLER CENTER, NEW YORK CITY — In what could be an all-time record ratings cou-coup, Fox News Channel aired a jaw-dropping gender role switch on today’s broadcast of “Fox And Friends.”  After some twenty-seven minutes into the broadcast, an alert Fox viewer noticed that “Gretchen Carlson” was actually “Brian Kilmeade,” and Brian Kilmeade was really Gretchen Carlson.  (Steve Douchey was still …

Insane Repugs We Have Known, UPDATE: The more things change, the more they are exactly the f*cking same

Here in no particular order, are some of our all-time favorite Insane Repugs, depicted in our favorite way:

STILL ABSOLUTELY FREE

 A LOT OF PEOPLE don’t bother about their friends in the VEGETABLE KINGDOM. They think, “Ah, what can I say? What can a person like myself say to a vegetable?” But the answer is simple, my friends . . . just call . . . and tell them how you feel . . . about MUFFINS, PUMPKINS, WAX PAPER, CALEDONIA, MAHOGANIES, ELBOWS AND GREEN THINGS IN GENERAL . . . and soon: A NEW RAPPORT.  You and your new little green & yellow buddies . . .  grooving together!  OH NO!  Maintaining your coolness together!  Worshiping together in the church of your choice!  ONLY IN AMERICA. Woh-oh-oh-ah-agh-h . . .

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=258IAiOtnuw[/youtube]

Romney/Burns: Dickensian Dicks

The LA Times reports:

Mr. Burns, owner of Springfield’s nuclear power plant, titan of corporate capitalism and honcho in the Springfield Republican Party, has come out with his own backhanded endorsement of the Republican nominee. Backhanded in the sense that C. Montgomery Burns is positively Dickensian in his baseness.

Figgers Romney would have a dog named ShameUs…