November 28, 2012 — WAUNAKEE, WISCONSIN — Republican Sens. John McCain (Arizzz.), Lindsey Graham (Scumbag) and Kelly Ayotte (asshole) said Tuesday that their meeting with U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice about the attack in Benghazi, Libya, had only served to bunch up there underoos even more over the administration’s explanation of the attack and Rice’s qualifications as a potential secretary of state.
Speaking in hindsight, Senator Graham said, “Let me be clear, bottom line, I’m more disturbed now than I was before, that the explanation about how Americans died in the Ben Ghazi thing, by Ambassador Rice I think does not do justice to the reality at the time and, in hindsight, clearly was completely wrong.” Asked if he had been briefed on the weekend CIA interview of Ben Ghazi, Graham said he had no knowledge of anyone named Ben Ghazi, but that he thought it was “supposed to be a town over in Libya somewhere.”
Ghazi was contacted at his suburban Waunakee town home Sunday by CIA agents, during the Packers-Giants football game. Thirty-six year old Ghazi, an admitted Cheetos and tv addict, told the agents, “Yeah, I know all about Ben Ghazi—because, you know, like, I’m him.” Ghazi also told the agents he was recently discharged from his position with Lamers Bus Lines in Waunakee, and fell into a funk over the misfortunes of the Green Bay Packers football team, and had been binging cheetos for several weeks.
Agents confirmed Ghazi was not a person of interest in the
government’s Repuglican’ts endless attempts to assuage the obsession of Sens. McCain, Graham, and Ayotte with the possible nomination of Ambassador Susan Rice, but felt they deserved to know everything there is to know about Benghazi, even if it is just some loser cheese-head from Waunakee.
(Mr. Ben Ghazi’s brother, Buck Ghazi, contributed to this report.)
Ben Ghazi relaxing with a plate of Taco Bell “Chicken Fiesta Taco Salad,” a crispy tortilla bowl filled with marinated all-white meat chicken, and loaded with potent chunky beans, real cheddar cheese, seasoned rice, crisp shredded iceberg lettuce, tiny-diced ripe tomatoes, red tortilla strips, reduced fat sour cream, and served with citrus salsa on the side.
UPDATE: May 7, 2014 — WAUNAKEE, WISCONSIN — Ben Ghazi, the unfortunately-named couch munch from west Waunakee, had been keeping a low profile since “That Dick Darrell-somebuddy in Washington turned [his] life into a living hell” two years ago. “Every time I turn on the teevee now, it’s a bunch of ass-wipe Republicans blathering on about me like I was some government plot that re-elected Obama. Shit man, I’ve never ever even registered to like, vote, fur Christ’s sake.”
Ghazi has been working odd jobs since his abrupt dismissal at Lamers Bus Lines two years ago. His latest “job” is at the Taco Bell on West Main, where Ghazi mechanically says his responsibilities include “greeting customers at the drive-thru, taking and ringing up orders, handling money and like, thanking customers.” Looking up at invisible noon, he adds, “I prepare the, you know, food ingredients, and I assemble the food and beverage orders, then I check to make sure they’re like, correct, and I put it in a, I mean I ‘package the products,’ and help maintain a clean, safe work and dining environment.”
Ghazi says he is slowly learning to be friendly and helpful to customers and co-workers. His biggest problems are dealing with customer needs and solving food or service issues, though he also has serious issues accepting coaching from the “management team,” and maintaining a “clean and tidy appearance,” and good work habits.
But he is noticeably angry as he relates how he has lost several jobs because of his name. “This one guy, this talking-hemorrhoid boss I had over at Turbo Burger fired me, because he said I was a, like, “threat to our nation’s interests!” His eyes dart back and forth. “Another dickwaddle down at Applebee’s on Saratoga fired me after like, twenty-four hours, because he said I like, reacted like, too slow, to, you know, the customer’s problems; ‘just like I did in Libya.’ I mean, I never been to Libya! Seriously bro! What the fuck is that about, huh?
Benghazi may not be affecting many Americans’ day to day lives, but Ben Ghazi? Yeah; it has “fucked [his] life up.” On the bright side, Ghazi has recently been seeing a professional massage therapist, and has not eaten more than “several bags” of Cheetos in, “like, over three weeks.”
(Mr. Buck Ghazi, and Mr. Sigurd “Vader” Skogstad, day shift manager at the West Main Taco Bell in Waunakee, contributed to this report.)