Together Again

 Posted by on March 26, 2010 at 3:34 PM
Mar 262010
 

The Straight-Faced Express rocks again! Cindy, Sarah, Sidney, Todd, and Piper take a whirl around the Ouija Board to plot another losing campaign strategery. If you wanna feel the vibe, you must click it.

Huff Po:

At the rally on Friday, Palin proclaimed that the Republican Party isn’t the party of no — “we’re the party of hell no!”

She derided “this BS coming from the lame-stream media” about “us common-sense conservatives kinda inciting violence,” but added, “We know violence isn’t the answer. When we take up our arms, we’re talking about our vote.”

The Tea Party movement, Palin declared, is “a beautiful grassroots movement that is putting government back on the side of the people. … Everybody here today supporting John McCain, we’re all part of that tea party movement.”

McCain is fighting for his political life. Fending off a primary challenge from the right, the four-term Arizona senator is facing the toughest re-election campaign of his Senate career.

Former congressman and conservative talk-radio host JD Hayworth says McCain is too moderate for Arizona Republicans. He points to McCain’s reputation for working with Democrats on key issues such as reducing greenhouse gas emissions and restricting campaign donations.

Yawn.  Here’s fifty seconds worth of screechy freaky reverbified Palin Pablum™ which is forty-seven seconds more than I can stand, complete with another fucking teleprompter jab; they got nothin’ else.

Meanwhile,  no one has— as of today— put a real cross hairs on any of Palin’s targeted opponents in her alternate universe.

This Week In Teh Crazy (7-25-09)

 Posted by on July 28, 2009 at 5:05 AM
Jul 282009
 

Winner and Still Champion: The Bloviator

BlowHole
Appearing more diseased and deranged than usual, the defacto head of the Rethuglican party, Bloviator Rush Limbaugh, sporting a positively motivational 65mm hole in his forehead, stunned “inspired” dittoheads by repeatedly plunging a Nazi Air Force officer’s sword through his thorax.  “Now,” explained The Blove, “this would kill your average Obamabot-pantywaist liberal
; but as you can see, I remain unfazed.”

When asked the secret to his “amazing longevity” on the radio-thing, Limbaugh said— and we are not making this up

I think it’s respect for the audience; respect for their intelligence; uhh; and a deep appreciation for what they have meant for my live.  … and I owe it to an audience that has stuck with me through all these years;  why they do it?  It’s a good show;  it’s a fun show; it’s positive! People don’t wanna be beat up every day with, this caffeine product is going to kill ya, or, the seas are risin’ and New York’s gonna get flooded. They wanna hear about greatness!

They want — people wanna be inspired. People wanna be motivated. They want their positive thoughts validated. They don’t wanna hear every day how everything’s goin’ ta hell in a hand basket and there’s a shortage of hand baskets. They don’t wanna hear this. That’s what gets ratings on television. [From the same fricken' people] Uhh.. I have shown yeh get ratings on radio being positive, respecting the audience, being inspiring and motivational at times, when it’s necessary. I juss try teh share as much of my life experience with everybuddy because, I think it turned out pretty well; I’m very proud of it.”

Well, yeah, fear can certainly motivate the ignorant, and Teh Blove never misses an opportunity to slather on some lying-through-the-teeth bullshit fear-mongering;  so less than three minutes into his little sitdown with Greta Van Whatever,  we get this:

“We’re we’re a great country at risk in a very dangerous world. And we’re now, also under daily assault, Our economy, our private sector is under daily assault by it’s own government!  This— is frightening;  never thought I would see this in my lifetime;  I never thought I would see purposeful policies to harm people economically.”

In his fear addled derangement Rush has convinced himself that Democrats are scared shitless of Sarah Palin— honest to God— because she’s so popular and formidable;  and not that a moron actually was a nominee for the vice-presidency— What Carl Bernstein called an “almost unpatriotic act” by McCain— because she’s manifestly unqualified for high office and Democrats know it.  (What the hell was “almost” unpatriotic about it, Carl?)

The clip below is way more Bloviator than you want to listen to, but run through it just to count all the crazy assertions by a man who tells millions of Americans with an i.q. below 102 what to think every week— about everything Rush thinks.  And then tell me that’s cool with you.

Failin’ Palin

By Propagandee

Hockey MLF & McHitlerWhat could drive a law-abiding leftist to vandalism?  Sarah Palin as Vice President to the oldest presidential candidate ever.

Using the Alaskan taxpayer funded annual governor’s picnic to sing her swan song, Sarah Quitter once again tried to conflate her self-image with that of our troops. Playing the victim to the liber’l media’s unfair and “politically correct” coverage of her, she postures and whines at the same time:

“[How about] In honor of the American soldier, ya quit makin’ things up!”

Accounting for the number of times she has shot herself in her own foot would require one of those air cooled mini Gattling guns Schwarzenneger used in Terminaor 3 to blast away the mechanical minions of an invading fembot from the future.

Sarah FembotYeah, we’re talkin’ artificial intelligence…

Palin never misses an opportunity to wrap herself in Alaska’s our flag. But for her, “We the People” has morphed into “Me the Narcissist.”

Palin is living proof that even paranoid schizophrenics have “enemies,”and that she is, well, crazy.  There are definitely people who don’t want to be ruled by a militant US theocracy and want her to fail;  and who think she is crazy. (Whether such craziness is a product of genetics, environment, or a combination of both,  I leave to behavioral psychologists to determine.)

Speaking of Hollywood, be afraid, be very afraid.  Those limousine liberls are comin’ to take yur guns away:

Let me tell you, Alaskans really need to stick together on this with new leadership in this area especially, encouraging new leadership… got to stiffen your spine to do what’s right for Alaska when the pressure mounts, because you’re going to see anti-hunting, anti-second amendment circuses from Hollywood and here’s how they do it.  They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes.  Stand strong, and remind them patriots will protect our guaranteed, individual right to bear arms, and by the way, Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt.

“Tiny, very talented celebrity starlets?” Methinks she projects too much.

But back to the pseudo issue:  apart from the native Inuits living near the Arctic Circle, the vast majority of Alaskans get their food the same way the rest of America does— from the supermarket.  While providing a tasty high protein supplement to the average Alaskan diet (I once pulled 21 Sockeye from the Copper River in a single afternoon), hunting and fishing is more a recreational pursuit than essential for survival.  It’s not exactly hunting wolves from helicopters, but wolves are kinda tough from what I’ve heard.

Alaskans know all that, but since she’s quitting them, Palin’s remarks were an obvious play to gunowners in the Lower 48 and the Black Helicopter crowd who somehow believe that the Socialist-Fascist Dems are intent on disarming them.  Guns and ammo sales are at record high levels thanks to fearmongers like Palin, Glenn Beck, and Rush Limpbot warning of impending legislation exists only in their fevered imaginations, despite a slew of fatal shootings in the last few months by right wing crazies.

Anybody know where I can get a bumper sticker that says:

I just can’t quit ya, but don’tcha bet on it: Palin  2012“?

Saved By Zeros

 Posted by on June 6, 2009 at 9:27 AM
Jun 062009
 

I will conquer
Space around me
So maybe I’ll win
Saved by zero
Maybe I’ll win
Saved by zero

The Fixx

GOP squares If you want to smell the fear you must click it

Zero:  A contemptibly worthless, undistinguished person…

The Republican Party is rife with Zeros these days. The nine nincompoops above are just a random gaggle selected from the dozens and dozens of them pining to spend time in the GOPper boxes of national leadership-ness-ness.  The assortment of  war criminals, gas bags, elderly has-beens, living and dead, and a burgeoning bunch of weiner wanna-bees will continue to plague the nation until the electorate relegates them to the slag-heap of history.

Why are there so few qualified leaders?  Because the number of capable leaders has never exceeded one percent of the population.  That makes it even more critical that we elect only the best qualified individuals to leadership positions in society.

Leadership is vital to progress.  Wisdom, insight, and foresight are indispensable to the endurance of any nation, and just now all such essential qualities are in short supply in our government, despite the fact that Barack Obama shows every sign of being able to fill the shoes of leadership we so desperately need.

Obama’s speech in Cairo is a stirring demonstration of his willingness to confront the changes that are needed now, but it is just the beginning of his efforts to grow into the enormous job confronting the United States and the world.  We certainly haven’t exhausted our national stamina and courage in confronting our many problems just yet, but if you’re not already doing so, it is time to add real prayer to our arsenal of hope.  Pray for our country, pray for our people, pray for our president.  And if you’re feeling really generous, pray for our world.  And remember, prayer is not a technique of escape from conflict, but rather a stimulus to growth in the very face of conflict.  Dig it.

Society is the offspring of age upon age of trial and error; it is what survived the selective adjustments and readjustments in the successive stages of mankind’s agelong rise from animal to human levels of planetary status. The great danger to any civilization at any one moment is the threat of breakdown during the time of transition from the established methods of the past to those new and better, but untried, procedures of the future.
The Urantia Book

In The Tank For Conservatism (Updated)

 Posted by on January 15, 2009 at 9:01 AM
Jan 152009
 

shittankConservative Think Stink Tank patrons gathered recently to revivify their ailing philosophy, and to wonder out loud why no one likes them;  right to far right: Rummy-teh-dumby, Dick the Cheney, Hannity Teh Stoopid, Rush teh Outrage, John “You Will Know There Faces and You Will Know Their Names” McLame, Turdblossom Rove, Princess Palin, Loofa O’Really, CondoLeza, James Dobson, Dubya teh Bush, Rev. John Hagee, Joe the Lieberman, Roger Fauxy Ailes, Lindsey the Suck-up, Count Novak, and Phil Gramm-Cracker. Out of the picture patrons include Richard Perle, Mrs. Dick the Cheney, Poppy Bush, and a veritable host of other conservative shitheads. (Click it)

WASHINGTON D.C. — In the film “K-Pax,” Sal, one of the inmates of the ward, was put there after pointing out he could smell the stink on the elite that came and went from the hotel where he served as doorman.  These days, quite a lot of people profess to being overcome by the reeking of the Washington elite, and are not considered mentally unstable, except of course, by the Washington elite themselves.  They recognize the malodorous waft is coming from the inmates patrons of Washington’s oldest and rankest conservative Think Stink Tanks. (Ironic that it was an early incarnation of Senator-elect Al Franken who pointed out the problem of “stinkin’ thinkin’ ” a long time ago.  They ignored him then;  but he’s on their radar now.)

But yes;  the wonder that is conservative national provincialism:  Every nation sovereign, a god unto themselves.  No need for supranational unity.  Some of those nations have open state religions, and some, like us, often pretend they don’t;  some believe might makes right, and some believe they’re right and everyone else is wrong.  One more thing.  If it appears God didn’t create a planetary life system that could withstand the worst amoral attacks and abuses of man, it’s not our problem;  it’s God’s.

Uh, no.  He did not begin any investigations; nor did he spend any time looking for that one moral bone that may be in his body.

The cleansing of the temple, a story most every Christian knows, demonstrates that Jesus did not look with approval upon the refusal to employ force to protect the majority of any given human group against the unfair and enslaving practices of unjust minorities who may be able to entrench themselves behind political, financial, or ecclesiastical power. Shrewd, wicked, and designing men are not to be permitted to organize themselves for the exploitation and oppression of those who, because of their idealism, are not disposed to resort to force for self-protection or for the furtherance of their laudable life projects.  —The Urantia Book

During the past eight years, the Bushmen have done their utmost to entrench themselves behind political, financial, and ecclesiastical power.  Their make-believe foreign policy has failed to do aught that it set out to do, except enrich the coffers of the war profiteers, bankrupting our nation’s treasury in the process. But self-aggrandizing alliances will never prevent wars, or control the several most powerful governments.  As long as America suffers from the delusions of national sovereignty right along with every other so-called sovereign nation in the world,  War will continue.

As the most powerful nation on earth, we have an opportunity and an obligation to lead with our highest vision of the world, a world that offers freedom and liberty to every man, woman, and child in every country;  offers them safety and protection from any source of organized aggression. This can only be accomplished when all cooperative nations join together and form the genuine rudiments of the government of all mankind.

Peace will not come to Urantia until every so-called sovereign nation surrenders its power to make war into the hands of a representative government of all mankind. Political sovereignty is innate with the peoples of the world. When all the peoples of Urantia create a world government, they have the right and the power to make such a government SOVEREIGN; and when such a representative or democratic world power controls the world’s land, air, and naval forces, peace on earth and good will among men can prevail;  but not until then.

And that stink tank philosophy of global hegemony?  That effluence must be washed clean from the minds of the jackasses entrenched in our government.  Dick ‘n Bush are out smearing around vast quantities of…

bushturdpolish
…but the shine is off those turds for good, and it ain’t ever comin’ back.

Greed in the name of torture and domination has shown itself bankrupt, socially, morally, ethically, and spiritually. Drain the pool.

Lieberman Buys Lunch

 Posted by on November 19, 2008 at 10:51 AM
Nov 192008
 

•  •  •  SCATOLOGY WEEK  •  •  •

Joe Lieberman offers up a ginormous double shitburger to the Senate Democrats that allowed him to continue as chairman of two senate committees. “I made it myself,” quipped Lieberman.

WASHINGTON — Senator Joe the Lie berman, with McCain Campaign trail makeup still etched in the folds of his face, presented the Senate Democratic Caucus with one of his legendary homemade, giant double-shitburgers, after emerging victorious from a secret caucus vote which allows him top off his stint as a disloyal Dick with the retention of his two senate chairs.

Although many members of the caucus are privately furious over Lieberman‘s ugly butt-sucking behavior during the campaign, they are betting their “lingering resentment” will cause Lieberman to cooperate with them when it comes time to get down in the sewage again. This kind of “you rub shit on my back and I’ll rub shit on yours” ploy has always produced reciprocity in the past, but some senators are openly skeptical about ever trusting Lieberman again.  “He’s a giant double-shitburger-making machine,” said one senator who voted against Lieberman. “Some of my colleagues think this is politically smart,” he said, “but just wait. Lieberman is a lying sack of shit, and he doesn’t care who steps in it. There’s no more trusting toads like that.”

Obama’s Big Pitch Misses

 Posted by on October 29, 2008 at 10:14 PM
Oct 292008
 


Apparently the red uniforms beat the blue uniforms to win the World Series.  Anyway, there’s the zone Obama was trying for; the middle.

Just watched the Obama 30 minute ad, and to be honest, I have to say I had a hard time identifying with it.  I guess it was just too blatantly pitched to the middle class;  whoever they are.  I should say up front that I’m one of those Americans who will suffer a tax increase under an Obama administration because, in fact, I’m way inside the top one percent of all wealthy Americans these days.

How wealthy am I?  I’m not really sure, what with the roller coaster economy these days, but as an admirer recently marveled, I have a $60 million dollar custom built jet, and a $24 million dollar doggy jet that follows it with our two dachshunds, Willie Wanker Warhol and Dandy Dick The Dachshund.

Liberals attacked McCain for not knowing exactly how many residences he owns, but truth is, the guy is a pauper, really.  Oh, Cindy has some beer bucks I’m told, and seven homes might impress a few single home owners;  but I own twenty-seven homes that range in price from Obama’s 1.6 million dollar dump to my private island estate at $300 mil.  But enough about my munnies.

It was clear from the Obama ad—  I don’t care for the McCain “infomercial” slur— that he’s in the tank for the middle class.  It’s just too bad that a big gaggle of them are outright racist, another flock are confused Republicans who think they’ll get rich some day, and then there’s the Democrats. Why anyone would try to unify this rabble is beyond me. And no, I won’t try and scare you with that socialism shtick, God forbid the middle class figures that out. The less said about “spreading the wealth around” the better.  Just give me a president who will make my tax cuts permanent and keep the war machine crackin’ open new markets.

So yeah.  Middle class? Save your ass; vote for Palin-McCain so the wealth will continue to trickle down to you, and we can have victory wherever we choose no matter how long it takes, or how many of your kids get to make the ultimate sacrifice to keep our nation free.  And don’t worry about me.  I’ll be fine.

(LOFL)