Tag: political satire

JEB! vs. MAR!

Empty wheelchair on cliff edge, desert

Has anyone seen Poppy Bush since this week’s GOP debate and Jeb!’s campaign firings?

A paralegal for a Huston attorney reports that during a visit to the Harris County courthouse Thursday, she noticed a file lying on the counter, tagged with the name of George H.W. Bush. The paralegal, who wishes to remain anonymous, admitted she was consumed with curiosity and opened the folder. Inside was a codicil to the will of Bush the Elder. In a nutshell, the amendment stipulated that the part of his estate, previously assigned to his second son John Ellis Bush (aka JEB!), would be immediately transferred to one Marco Antonio Rubio. (aka MAR!): Jeb! vs Mar! begins!

A spokesman for Bush the Elder refused to comment. But a reporter assigned to the Rubio campaign was able to corner him in the not-so-secret passageways that run under the Capitol Building, trying to duck yet another Senate vote.

“Senator Rubio! There are numerous reports in the press that major donors to the Bush campaign are leaving him in droves and are flocking to your campaign. This apparently includes his own family,”she exclaimed, dramatically thrusting a copy of 41’s codicil into his face. “Surely you’ve seen this by now. Care to comment?”

Rubio, pulling a large yellow sponge from his coat pocket and pressing it feverishly to his forehead, managed to compose himself. After sucking down large gulps of Fiji Water supplied to him by an attentive aide, he replied:

“You know, it’s a hard day’s night when your former mentor turns on you like Master Jeb! turned on me after Wednesday night’s debate. But I understand that as the GOP’s former front runner and heir apparent to the Bush family political dynasty, he is freaking out. Nonetheless, I feel hurt. It would be like Mr. Miyagi suddenly turning on Daniel San and hitting him over the head with a saki bottle.”

At which point two of his larger aides grabbed him under his dampened armpits and escorted him out of the hallway. Ewe.

Saki to me.

LIP SERVICE


Yes, she thinks you think she’s speaking extemporaneously; not reading off a teleprompter.

Never hesitate to admit failure. Make no attempt to hide failure under deceptive smiles
and beaming optimism. It sounds well always to claim success, but the end results are appalling.
Such a technique leads directly to the creation of a world of
unreality and to the inevitable crash of ultimate disillusionment.
— The Urantia Book

STILLWATER, MN —  Resplendent in her foxy* deep blue silk jacket and cultured pearls, Michele Bachmann announced she will not seek another term in the United States Congress.

The Tea Party darling’s very long list of denials about why she is not leaving may become more credible, if and when the rumor we are accused of starting turns out to be true:  that she will be joining “Prancersize” inventor Joanna Rohrback‘s firm as its Presidential “Prancer” and Commander-in-Chief horsey:


Another unfortunate example of Camel Toe.  But all is not lost; watch with the volume off.

And speaking of prancing show horseys…  another angry beaver attacked a man on a roadside near Shestakovskoye lake, west of Minsk, Belarus, slicing through an artery in his leg which caused him to bleed to death.  It was the most recent in a string of angry beaver attacks in Belarus, where the beaver population has tripled in the past decade to around 80,000.  Belarusian beavers can weigh up to 65 pounds and stand three feet high.
Experts say the increase in attacks is largely due to springtime aggression in young beavers that are trying to make a name for themselves and stake out their own territory after being forced to leave home by their parents.  Some older beavers can also become disoriented in life and attack out of fear;  others become bitter and vengeful when faced with the inevitable crash of their ultimate disillusionment.
* Foxy  I.e., Fauxy, Republican shemale drag