Medical Repatriation: Bedsores In Paradise

Stephen’s helpful suggestions on how to reduce hospital overcrowding

Stephen Colbert warns us that a hospital is no place to get sick, especially if you are indigent or have fallen into a coma.

If, for instance, you’re an undocumented immigrant, you might find yourself discharged from an Intensive We Don’t Care Unit in Las Vegas and given a one way bus ticket to Los Angeles, with 3 days of meds and instructions to dial 911 when you get there. Same goes for the mentally handicapped.

If you’re really lucky and have fallen into a coma, you could be flown on a private jet for free and deposited in another country altogether.

But there is a darker possibility. You could be shipped off to somewhere that no one ever returns from…a Carnival Cruise vacation.

And That’s the Word.

Take Executive Action On Gun Control

“I’ll give you my TOW anti-tank missile when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.”

Karl Rove’s Math Problems (Update,2)

May the pork be with you: Stephen Colbert’presents Karl Rove with an honorific bust 

Of all the satisfying results from last night’s amazing election, I count Rethug Svengali Karl Rove’s humiliation as one of the best.

A little background first. In the run-up to the 2006 mid-term elections,  Rove said this to NPR about the pre-election polls, which showed the Rethugs losing:

You may end up with a different math, but you’re entitled to your math. I’m entitled to the math…[which adds] up to a Republican Senate and a Republican House.

History proved him wrong, of course, with the Dems taking control of both the Senate and the House that year.

In search of schadenfreude, after hearing CNN and MSNBC call the election for Obama, I tuned into Fux News to check out their reaction. Lo and behold there was Karl, making a fool of himself once again. He was strongly objecting  to the network’s confirmation of Obama’s victory, causing Megyn Kelly to leave her anchor chair and rush down stairs to check with Michael Barone and the rest of Fux’s number crunchers (barely getting back into her chair after the commercial break ended).

The LA Times reports:

All the networks, CNN, the Associated Press and Fox News had called the presidential race for President Obama. But one man with a big megaphone thought it was all too premature.

Fox News analyst Karl Rove threw up a spirited rebuttal argument Tuesday night as the conservative cable channel said that Republican Mitt Romney’s bid for president had failed.

Fox then proceeded with the unusual spectacle of bringing its chief data analyst on camera to discuss with Rove why the outlet said Ohio, and thus the presidency, would remain in Democratic hands…

Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly joked that there would be a “cage match” between Rove and the head of Fox’s election analysis team. But the Fox analysts explained that their call was simply about the numbers.

One can only hope that Rove offered his donors, anonymous and otherwise, a money-back guarantee on the $300 million plus bucks they gave him to defeat Obama and to take back the Senate.

Say g’night, Karl.

UPDATE 2 (11/8 9:50am)  Jon Stewart’‘s take on Rove’s math in which he suggests a new motto for Fux News:   ‘Math You Do As A Republican To Make Yourself Feel Better.’

 

UPDATE (11/7 4:22 PM) The Atlantic has a collection of clips from Fux News documenting the Rove instigated network meltdown.

It should be noted that Fux is employing as an “analyst”the prime operative of the GOP, who also happens to be its largest fund raiser. Not like he doesn’t have skin in the game.

Maybe the reason why Karl was so upset is that calling the election for Obama interfered with a contingency plan to steal the Ohio vote at the last minute. Recall that vote totals and projections from a number of states were still outstanding, and that it was Ohio that put Obama over the top.

Would anybody believe that stealing an election is alien to Rove’s modus operandi?

 

A Teabagging Fool

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Stephen offers Trump a million bucks to demonstrate the origin of the word “teabagging”

Neither tragedy nor good sense will prevent the The Donald Dumpster from stealing every ounce of publicity he can.

Promising a major announcement last week that would shake up the presidential election after his Teabagger inspired Birther investigation flopped, Trump offered President Obama $5 million for the charity of his choice if he would release his college transcripts and passport applications by Halloween at 5:00 PM, an offer that earned him well-nigh universal ridicule. (Obama explained to Jay Leno that Trump never got over being humiliated by Obama on the soccer fields of their native Kenya.)

Doubling down yesterday, Trump extended the deadline to Thursday at Noon. Apparently, the fact that in the wake of Superstorm Sandy the president is helping get his and the other eleven Atlantic City casinos  back in operation has earned him a few extra hours.

 But Trump’s good friend Babwa Wa Wa has had enough:

“Donald, you and I have known each other for many years, and you know that I am your friend and I think you are a brilliant businessman and you are great on television and you have a fascinating personality. You’re not hurting Obama, you’re hurting Donald and that hurts me because you’re a decent man. Stop it. Get off it, Donald.”

Friends don’t let friends drive the rest of the world crazy.

The Onion probably said it best:

In a blockbuster announcement today, Donald Trump announced that he is a very sad man who has nothing to live for other than drawing attention to himself.

‘I’m a sad, pathetic human being and a complete waste of life,’ said Trump, adding that he lives an empty existence, and that he is nothing more than a corporate shill, as well as a failed husband, father, and human being.

I am the piece of shit you stepped in on your way to work. I am the vomit that hurls out of your mouth when you are sick. I want to kill myself very badly. Thank you.” Trump then slit his throat from ear to ear.

Fortunately, the comedy gods intervened and Donald is recovering nicely after being rushed to an emergency room where the straw was stuffed back into his neck.

Fiscal Cliff Hanger

Stephen Colbert describes the Terror of “The Norquist”

Chairman Issa Is An Asshole

Four days after the 2010 election, Issa declared he would hold hundreds of hearings over the next two years: “I want seven bleedings hearings a week, times 40 weeks.”

Romney’s Raiders (Update) (Update2)

When vulture capitalist Mitt the Ripper comes to town