Rush Limbaugh graciously poses with the four finalists of the CPAC Rush Limbaugh Look-Alike Contest. Right to Far Right: Regenald “Shitbag” Fecalbagh, Bob “Tarzan” Mountebank, Bobby Clifford “Cliff” Hanger, Bob “Bubbles” Bourbonhouse, and Rush “Hudson” Limbaugh.
WASHINGTON D.C. — When Sara Palin saw how much weight Rush Limbaugh had gained since the November election, she quietly chickened out of the CPAC debacle; she sent a riveting recorded message instead. The conservatauruses were disappointed of course, but they quickly filled the hole in the venue with an exciting alternative: a Rush Limbaugh Look-Alike Contest.
The response was overwhelming. In fact, so many balding, obese white men claiming to be world class bloviators showed up for the preliminary round, that additional stringent qualifications had to be added to keep the number of entrees down to manageable levels. Sources close to the competition told us that the idea for another set of qualifications came from Limbaugh himself, which were said to include height, weight, and IQ restrictions that virtually assured no more entries would qualify.
The second set of requirements called for a minimum of 6′ 2″ in height, a maximum 220 lbs. in weight, and IQs over 85. Anyone who complained about the double standard was vociferously denigrated as a “librul” and shown the door. The final four contestants were treated to a pose-off with the BLOVIATOR himself.
As the time slot grew to a close, the de facto head of the Republican Party announced the winner: Regenald “Shitbag” Fecalbagh. First runner-up was Florida native Bobby Clifford “Cliff” Hanger, and second runner-up was Bob “Bubbles” Bourbonhouse. Limbaugh was asked how he thought the winner compared to him. The always witless Limbaugh replied, “There’s only one head of the Republican party, and you’re lookin’ at him.”