National INQUISITOR: 500 CRIMES & 5,000 LIES

Featured

National INQUISITOR tRUMP'S 500 CRIMES

The latest chronicler of the human shit-gibbon president’s escapades is the National INQUISITOR

 

WASHINGTON D.C. — David Pecker.  Seriously.  David J. Pecker is the chairman and CEO of American Media, at least for a little while longer.  He publishes the National Enquirer, Star, Sun, Weekly World News, Globe, Men’s Fitness, Muscle and Fitness, Flex, Fit Pregnancy, and Shape.  But what he’s going to be remembered for is buying and burying ugly shit about Donald Trump.  And by doing so, he’s been given immunity from prosecution for his roll in colluding with Trump and his fixer, Michael Cohen, to keep the truth of Trump’s tawdry doings (oh, and the tawdry doings of his adult children, too) out of the flagship shit rag of his publishing empire, The National Enquirer.  He might as well have driven a gasoline tanker trunk into the building, because he’s effectively burning it to the ground in spectacular fashion.  Yeah, too bad.

Well nature abhors a vacuum, so there should be a new shit rag in town, the National INQUISITOR©.   Only instead of demeaning all of Trump‘s enemies the way Pecker did with his shit rag, the INQUISITOR will be savaging Trump— and all of his cronies, until death do them part from our planet.  Godspeed.

THE SWAMP THING

Featured

THE SWAMP THING

The Trumpian ship of state is operating in pretty chaotic waters these days, so things in the Washington D.C. “swamp” are reaching a very swampy, agitated pitch. Trump is completely around the bend, and most of his miscreants are right on his bone-spury heels. See below for the full exposition of this deplorable tableau. (Apologies to Emanuel Leutze)

WASHINGTON D.C. —  Like many things emanating out of Washington, the notion that the town was originally “built on a swamp” isn’t based on fact, or truth.  That does not prevent the rapacious liars now infesting it from eschewing all fact and truth from their daily defamations.

And of course, the most rapacious of these liars has, in today’s parlance, “weaponized” the old swamp slur to include the entire lot of D.C. liars themselves, while employing the sort of histrionics usually reserved for carnival barkers, Bible tent preachers, and madmen;  what started out as poor geography has become the destroyer of worlds.

It’s not a surprise that Donald Trump— the most avaricious of liars— would seize upon an existing falsehood like the phony swamp story, and make it hysterically worse.  “Drain The Swamp!” “Drain The Swamp!” was his tiresome refrain early on, which the poorly educated, all aglow in the thrall of rote group repetition, would chant right back at him, usually followed with “Lock Her Up!” “Lock Her Up!”  It was also no surprise that someone would eventually find it in their fervent imagination to compare Trump to one of our greatest presidents— George Washington— and blissfully stuff our nation’s worst nightmare of a president into one of George’s most heroic, memorable tableaus¹:  crossing the freezing Delaware with his army on Christmas night, to surprise the shit out of the Hessian mercenaries and win a decisive battle.

That “someone” turned out to be political cartoonist America’s greatest artist Jon McNaughton, who’s not shy about putting his political opinions where his anus is.  You can damn near smell the swampiness of his piece called, “Crossing The Swamp,” just below my piece, “THE SWAMP THING”. . .

 

The Swamp Thing

“I want to be on that boat, crossing the swamp,” declares the creator of the stunningly prosaic cartoon (below) that prompted this disturbing image. That’s him, the guy above in the MAGA hat.  So let’s take a closer look.  Paul Ryan, up to his nipples in swampy filth, is not waving hello— it’s goodbye— with blood on his hands;  Michael Cohen contemplates his fate under the prow, as a courageous Jared Kushner rams his day-glo rubbers into the teeth of a vicious loan examiner lobbyist;  General Mattis is clearly pissed at all the McDonald’s baggage, as Ben Carson wonders how it was he got chained to this boat.  And tRump— OMFG— forgets to keep chewing his Big Mac as he watches a rerun Hannity screed;  Lil’ Jeffy Beauregard has a dead flashlight trained on thief Wilburrr Ross, as Rude Rudy wades ever deeper into darkness;  Fredo and Eric are clearly way out of their comfort zones, and Psycho-killer Miller is itching to unleash the dogs of war on… anyone not native-born, conservative, and white.  Meanwhile, America’s greatest artist, Jon McNaughton, sits and observes, but has apparently lost his moral compass, even as it dawns on Steve Bannon there’s no more scotch on board;  Huckabbeast hasn’t moved an inch in days, and holy shit, Pence is sure it’s God’s will that someone wants to pull his bloody finger;  Ivanka literally has on her white White House face, as Mitch the Bitch feels more and more like soon-to-be-dead chum;  Living mustache John Bolton, senses the enemy is near,  but where?  Swamp snake Kellyammer Conway relaxes while digesting a dozen or so of Trump’s latest lies, while the mysterious boatman, я не шпионка, (Notaspy) ignores the whimpering pleas from a desperate and slowly sinking Sean Hannity…   (If you want to smell it good, click it.)

McNaughton refers to himself as a “Trump observer,”
rather than a “Trump supporter.”
Don’t bullshit us, bro.

 

Crossing The Swamp

Wait What?  “Crossing The Swamp”?  Isn’t the source of the “swampiness”  right back back there?!?  Wouldn’t a sentient leader be ordering “Hard a starboard”!?    Instead, taunting the evil lobbyist gators up front is Nikki Haley; but is that her left leg, or her right?  James Mattis and Ben Carson don’t know how to use boat oars, and Trump— OMFG.  No, Sessions’ flashlight isn’t working, and neither is he;  Pence has one eff’n job, fly the damn flag— can’t do it.  And what the hell is Pompeo looking for, and why is his finger on the trigger?  Malaria looks like she’s lifting the Dotard’s wallet… Huckabee-Sanders stink-eyes a gator, Ivanka has a headache, and Bolton wants to kill somebody;  Conway finally gets her hands on something long and hard, and John Kelly is on report for pretending he has the rudder.  Just…  WOW.

If— after looking at these two cartoons, you dare to say McNaughton and I see things differently, you will be slapped hard across the face with a boat oar for stating the obvious.  So let me hep you.  One is a piece of childish absurdist metaphor masquerading as half-baked alternative-fact patriotism;  the other is a truly nightmarish, criminal carnival of incompetence, floundering in a political river of shit that flows downstream from a bought-and-paid-for Republican controlled Congress.

But McNaughton refers to himself as a “Trump observer,” rather than a “Trump supporter.”  Yeah?  Don’t bullshit us, bro.

What kind of remotely honest “observer of Trump” whacks fifty pounds of pure fat-ass off of Trump’s behind, and another seventy-five off his goddamn gut?  Trump’s waist hasn’t been that small since he was playing soldier at a Ra-Ra Military academy.  But don’t take my word for it;  Wonkette does a surgical evisceration of “Crossing the Swamp,” here.

"Expose the Truth"?

In this whimsical bit of true-believer fuckery by cartoonist McNaughton, a fat-assed bully with some “bone spur” deferments— who also happens to be the nation’s chief “law enforcement officer”— is depicted courageously grabbing a decorated combat Marine by the tie to… um… do what exactly? — Examine his nose hair?   Search for a Big Mac? Something even nuttier?  In the background Rod Rosenstein, James Comey, and Jefferson Beauregard look on;  no one questions the magnified crazy or the grotesqueness of the president’s behavior. Wonkette’s Doktor Zoom sez: “See? He’s holding Trump up and hoping the best for him, but with tough love, the way this new painting doesn’t represent a bully trying to threaten an investigator, but rather a stern but loving President For Life demanding nothing but the highest possible standards from Mr. Mueller.”

Under this piece at McNaughton’s website, entitled “Expose The Truth,” is this really prescient and audacious “Product Description”:
There has been a crusade in this country led by a group that wishes to overturn the election and impeach President Trump. Robert Mueller leads a special council [sic] of at least 17 partisan Democrat attorneys who have yet to find a single piece of evidence against the President, yet they ignore the mounting verifiable evidence against Russian collusion with the DNC and the Clinton Foundation. The political bias and negligence of those who have lead [sic] the Department of Justice and the FBI is forthcoming. There comes a time when you have to take a stand to Expose the Truth!

Even if taking that “stand,” with all it’s provable falsehoods hanging out, makes you sound like a dunce for all posterity, while simultaneously proving “you cain’t feex stoopid,” you blithely take that stand anyway, because, well, people keep buying your shit cartoons.

McNaughton referred to himself as a “Trump observer,” rather than a “Trump supporter.”  But even if he’s not a rabid Trump supporter, he’s still a piss-pot-poor observer.  Remember when Trump had his physical with “Ritalin Ronny” Jackson?  And he said Trump was like one notch short of being Hercules, and also one iddy-biddy pound short of being officially obese?  How biased do you have to be as an “observer” to miss seeing his hhhuge frickin’ ass?  To a Trump supporter’s eye, Trump’s suit coat profile looks down-right athletic;  so check out the real girth of Trump’s flabby buttocks down below.   Also in “Expose the Truth,” Trump towers (heh) over Robert Mueller, when in fact even Trump’s selfinflated height is still only a scant three inches taller than Mueller.  If Mueller is 5′ 11,” then McNaughton’s Trump is easily pushing 6′ 7″— should he ever stand up straight.

But the ugliest part of McNaughton’s must-tell-it-like-it-is cartoon is the temerity of his imaginary Trump assaulting the Special Counsel on the floor of the people’s House.  Carefully digest McNaughton’s brainwashed thesis, if you can:
In McNaugton’s alternative-fact universe— Trump, a four deferment,* draft-dodging rich-bitch— supposedly strolls up and grabs the necktie of ex-Marine Robert Mueller, now the Department of Justice Special Counsel charged with determining, on behalf of all Americans— whether president Trump is guilty of crimes against the United States— and Trump, presumably— examines him— with a child’s magnifying glass.

Robert Mueller was not drafted into military service, he volunteered, after a close friend was killed in Vietnam.  During his service in and during the Vietnam War, Robert Mueller’s military decorations and awards include:  the Bronze Star Medal with Combat “V”;  a Purple Heart Medal;  two Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medals with Combat “V”;  a Combat Action Ribbon;  the National Defense Service Medal;  the Vietnam Service Medal with three service stars;  the Republic of Vietnam Gallantry Cross;  the Republic of Vietnam Campaign Medal;  and the Parachutist Badge.

 

"Unhand Me Fat Ass, Or I'll Snap Your Neck."

Donald Trump has never served in America’s military in any capacity.  It is unclear what decorations he may have been awarded at the New York Military Academy, as he has refused to let his transcripts be reviewed by news organizations.


Those timid souls who can only keep up the struggle of life by the aid of
continuous false illusions of success are doomed to suffer failure and experience defeat
as they ultimately awaken from the dream world of their own imaginations.
The Urantia Book

∞  ∞  ∞

¹:

Übergang Washingtons über den Delaware

A black and white photo is all that remained of Washington and his troops crossing the Delaware, the original painting by Emanuel Leutze having been destroyed by allied bombs in WWII.  Leutze’s iconic painting, although a terrifically idealized and historically inaccurate portrayal of the crossing, it was faithfully recreated to continue stirring the patriotic pots of many Americans, and be misappropriated by self-proclaimed patriots for their purposes.

Washington Crossing The Delaware

Actually Leutze painted two more versions after the original was destroyed; notice the much improved ice and gripping of the oars…

 

* Donald Trump’s Draft Deferments

An overview of Donald Trump’s Selective Service records from 1964 through 1972, when he was classified 4-F (not qualified for military service).

The matter of Donald Trump’s military service (or lack thereof) surfaced first in July of 2015, when Trump maligned Sen. John McCain, a POW during the Vietnam War, for being captured, and a second time in July 2016 when he openly feuded with the family of slain U.S. soldier Humayun Khan after Khan’s father, Khizr, criticized Trump during an appearance at the Democratic National Convention.

Trump has never served in the military. Selective Service records obtained from the National Archives by The Smoking Gun in 2011 reveal the following history of his draft eligibility:

Donald Trump became eligible for the draft on his 18th birthday (14 June 1964) and registered with the Selective Service System 10 days later. He received the first of four 2-S (college) deferments on 28 July 1964.
Trump received his second college deferment on 14 December 1965.
Trump’s previous deferment expired and he was reclassified 1-A (available for military service) on 22 November 1966. His 2-S deferment was renewed on 13 December.
1967:  No record.
1968: Trump received his fourth and final college deferment on 16 January 1968. After graduating from Wharton, he was reclassified 1-A on 9 July 1968. Trump underwent an Armed Forces physical examination (with a result listed only as “DISQ”) on 19 September 1968 and was reclassified 1-Y (qualified for service only in time of war or national emergency) on 15 October 1968.
According to a statement from the Trump campaign, the 1-Y classification stemmed from Trump’s having bone spurs in both heels:  “While attending the University of Pennsylvania’s prestigious Wharton School of Finance, Mr. Trump received a minor medical deferment for bone spurs on both heels of his feet. The medical deferment was expected to be short-term and he was therefore entered in the military draft lottery, where he received an extremely high number, 356 out of 365.”

 

1972:
Despite the supposedly “short-term” nature of Trump’s disqualifying physical condition, on 17 February 1972 he was reclassified 4-F (not qualified for military service), presumably due to the abolishment of the 1-Y classification the previous year.

NOTHING IS F*CKED HERE, DUDE.

Featured

NOTHING IS FUCKED HERE.

That’s right, nothing is fucked here— if you can ignore straight out collusion with a foreign hostile government— you know, in past parlance, the “enemy,” and “treason.”

TRUMP PRAISES SATAN, SAYS THEY’LL WORK TOGETHER

Trump Laudes Satan

A more jovial than usual Prince of Darkness lashed out at a heckler Sunday, shortly after president Donald Trump introduced him to the largely partisan but completely shocked crowd gathered at Manchester Community College.  “Satan” called the man “obnoxious” and threatened to “burn him from head to toe if he didn’t shut the fuck up.”

 

MANCHESTER, N.H. —  A perspiring President Donald J. Trump stunned a small crowd of 500 Sunday night when he introduced a surprise guest, the “Prince of Darkness,” aka “Satan,” to the gathering of supporters at the Manchester Community College auditorium.

Trump was reportedly in town to unveil his plan to deal with the opioid epidemic.  Before he actually started talking about it, he announced he had a very special guest to introduce.

“He’s the head of his very own country, and I mean he’s the strong head.  Reallly strong.  Don’t let anyone think anything different.  When he speaks, his people sit up at attention.  Believe me;  right?  And, I told him, I want my people to do the same.  So let’s give him a warm round of applause, get out here, Prince. . .  there he is, the Prince of Darkness, in person, Satan!  Come on out here!”

The auditorium fell silent as Trump immediately began showering praise on “the Prince,” calling him a “very talented guy,” a “smart guy,” and a “very fiery negotiator.”  He also complimented Satan’s “great personality,” saying, “He has a very, very warm heart, that I can tell you.”

Trump became more muted in his praise when it came to Satan’s well known record of atrocities, saying only that the Prince “does what he has to do.  He does what has to happen.”  Christianity has long maintained the Prince of Darkness tortures all of his “country’s” residents, and sends every one of them to labor in camps surrounding a vast lake of fire, working endlessly under the harshest conditions imaginable.  He regularly executes anyone he perceives as annoying to him, and these brutal assassinations of Hell’s inhabitants are said to be “continuous” and “never-ending.”

Eventually the president tried to get back on topic, claiming that Satan has confided to him there were no drug problems whatsoever in Hell, because they have “zero tolerance for not only drug dealers, but everybody.”  He continued:  “We have to be tough.  We have to be smart.  We have to change the laws, and with the Prince’s help we’re going to do that.”

Walter Sobchak impersonator heckles Trump

A heckler, later identified as a “Walter Sobchak impersonator,” was quickly disarmed and escorted from the auditorium and later detained for a mental evaluation by the Manchester Police.

Trump continued: “And, I can tell you, the ultimate penalty has to be the death penalty.”  That’s when a heckler in the crowd stood up and began shouting at Mr. Trump and Satan, while brandishing a handgun and a Folger’s coffee can.  “You killed Donnie!  You killed Donnie!  You killed Donnie!” the man shouted several times, before being wrestled to the floor by others in the audience.

Satan then loudly castigated the man, calling him “obnoxious,” and threatening to set the man on fire.  “I will burn you from head to fucking toe if you don’t shut the fuck up.” Witnesses close to the stage say Trump started to speak, but overheard the Prince of Darkness clearly say “Shut the fuck up, Donnie.”

The scene was unusually chaotic however, as more than a dozen men at the gathering— including the heckler and the four men it took to subdue him— were all dressed in beige vests and army surplus clothing, with the intention of emulating  fictional character Walter Sobchak from a cult film, The Big Lebowski, by filmmakers Joel and Ethan Coen.

It was later determined all of the men had been attending a “Big Lebowski Party” nearby, when they decided to crash the president’s speech.  The Walter Sobchak character is apparently notorious for his propensity to become violent with little or no provocation, suffering post traumatic stress from his experiences as a soldier during the Viet Nam War.

Several of Mr. Trump‘s critics condemned his praise for the Prince of Darkness, but generally were too exhausted by events of the preceding week to actually give a shit.  However, Evangelical Christian leaders who unquestionably support Trump were effusive in their confidence that the president was “entirely capable of using the Devil’s tools to bring ‘fire and fury’ ”  wherever it was required by God.  God did not return our calls for comment.

We sought no comments from Congressional Republicans, because …  why the fuck would we do that.

 

 

Pressin’ The Chikin Franchise Flesh

Cow Shit

Mr. and Mrs. Scott Pruitt pressed some “CHIKIN” franchise flesh recently, while spreading a little moral turpitude in Morocco.*

EAT MOR CHIKIN

MOROCCO, IN — Last year, our gallant EPA head, Scott Pruitt, had a chance to “talk about Morocco’s free-trade agreement and the benefits of natural gas.”  Ha ha hah hah hah hah.  I just spilled hot coffee on myself.
You may recall the well-planned junket started out with a “snag,” as the whole  friggin’ entourage was forced to endure two whole days in Paris, France at high-end hotels, shopping and dining.   Pruitt later insisted he spent at least fifteen minutes promoting exports for U.S. energy firms;  Pruitt added, “It mayeh even bin twinny minutes;  I wuz so busy I really wuzn’t watchin’ the tineh hands on mah watch.”

Congressional estimates put the cost of the trip at a whopping $40,000, but actually, no;  the EPA spent more than $100,000 on Pruitt’s trip, according to the Washington Post.  Google it.

What’s worse, reckless taxpayers have unwittingly spent nearly $3.5 million alone over the past year on Mr. Pruitt’s eight-man security detail, far more than the cost of protecting his less-important predecessors, according to figures released by yeah, the Environmental Protection Agency.  But the taxpayers are to blame for that too, since a few of them have yelled obscenities at Scott while he was tooling through the airport, causing him to let go of a little pee in public.

So Scott’s security budget metes out $2,726,719 in wages for the nineteen heavily armed agents that protect him 24-7, and a measly $763,000 on their travel expenses.  Paris ain’t cheap, these days 🤑.  But the actual cost might be even higher, because the estimates don’t include training, equipment, vehicle costs, and uh, assorted distractions.

🐔 🐔 🐔

Little Scottie Pruitt takes a swig of warm spit from a super-size-me Chik-Fil-A cup.

Little Scottie Pruitt prepares to take a big swigga warm spit spritzer— his beverage of choice when out rubbin’ chikin parts with the great unwashed— from a super-size-me Chik-Fil-Up cup.

All this classy backstory is to say that Scott Pruitt requires a few extra simoleons if he wants to continue living in the tasty style to which he has become accustomed.
No surprise then, that Scottie has been using EPA resources to ferret out. . .   a Chic-Fil-A franchise? for ah, the Mrs.  . . .  You heard me right, she apparently really likes da “chikin.”
The duo recently launched a CHIKIN FLESH TOUR, visiting Chick-Fil-A’s around the country, and kicking it off in, wait for it— Chick-Fil-A in Morocco—  Indiana.

 

The Pruitts have also been splashin’ in the news lately thanks to his quest for a used Trump International Hotel mattress.

Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt describes the proper thickness of a used pillow-top mattress cover, during a hearing of the House Energy and Commerce Committee Subcommittee on Environment, on Capitol Hill.

No palatable reason was given why Pruitt was looking for a used Trump mattress, but “The administrator had spoken with someone at the Trump hotel who indicated that there could be a mattress— an lightly used mattress— sold “as is”— that he could purchase at a very, very reasonable price;  (Fabriqué En Chine).

Pruitt has dedicated his tenure at the EPA to reversing Obama-era measures meant to combat climate change, drawing sharp rebuke from the scientific community and sane people.

 

*Morocco, Indiana.