Satan Slams Santorum

 Posted by on February 23, 2012 at 9:22 AM
Feb 232012
 

Satan lost his cool on Capital Hill again; and hell yes his pants were on fire.

CAPITAL HILL, WASHINGTON D.C. —  An angrier than usual Satan held forth nearly thirty minutes in the Capital Rotunda earlier today, repeatedly blasting Republican presidential candidate Richard John Santorum as a “pussified Christian wanna-be” who has frequently tried to use Satan’s fearsome notoriety to win over low information Christians voters.

The cosmically insane but ever popular Christian icon was again being interviewed by FAUX NEWS when his fiery shouting attracted numerous other journos in the rotunda, including us.

The most recent furor apparently began earlier in the week when Right Wing Watch published excerpts from a 2008 Santorum speech in which he made a number of surprisingly specific statements regarding the fallen angelic rebel’s plans:

“Satan has his sights on the United States of America!  Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has [sic] so deeply rooted in the American tradition.

“This is a spiritual war.  And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on:  a good, decent, powerful, influential country — the United States of America.  If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?  There is no one else to go after other than the United States, and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

We couldn’t help but stick our mic into the conversation too:

SATAN:  “Ricky Santorum is no more a Christian than I am, you fools!  He’s a pussified Christian wanna-be who doesn’t have a fucking clue what I “set my sights on.”

FAUX NEWS: Well, if your sights are not set on America, what are they set on?

SATAN:  Rick Santorum, you imbecile!

FAUX NEWS:  Ah.  So, if I could explain how—

SATAN(interrupts) NO!!  Just Shut the Fuck Up!  This is my interview.

FAUX NEWS: But I didn’t—

SATAN: (interrupts) You didn’t understand, did you;  because like all mortals, you’re hopelessly fucking ignorant!  Are you still drinking your own fucking cool aid over there at FUX?!? 

Listen to me— I work exclusively with Republicans up here!  Do I have to tell you every time I appear on your backward fucking network that it’s the sulfurous smelling GOPPERS who are the one’s hell-bent on the destruction of the United States?!? 

It’s narcissistic nincompoops like Newton Leroy and wanton washed-up Wackbots like Willard Mittless who are the ones willing to put their selfish personal ambitions ahead of everything— everything!  Is this thing on?!?  Especially the shameless exploitation of their ignorant fucking fellow creatures!  Iiiiii love it!

But it’s truly stupid fundies like Ricky-boy “Pride, Vanity, and Sensuality” Santorum that give ME all the credit for all your own backward fucking mistakes, including every single thing your very own almighty God is doing!!  It’s just insanely Awesome!!  There’s just no fucking way I can refuse such a gift horse—  and speaking of horses, have you actually looked at this guy?!?  I mean yeah,  I have a few bad teeth, but have you seen this guy’s teeth !?!?  Hilarious!

Satan claims he is responsible for making Rick Santorum like telling the “dog pee story.”

FAUX NEWS: It sounds to me like you believe Mr. Santorum’s religious hyperbole is really—

SATAN: (interrupts) Don’t you know who the fuck I am??  How would you like some genital herpes and a foreclosed mortgage?  Do you understand that it’s MY power and influence that makes moron Santorum stand up in front of adults and brag about an incontinent chihuahua pissing all over him?  Dooo you??

FAUX NEWS:  That’s amusing, whatever, okay, but on another topic sir, have you spoken with the anti-Christ Barack Hussein Obama, regarding your plans to begin the Apocalypse?

SATAN: (rubs his forehead before responding)  You know, if I had known just how fucking crazy you Contards would get when I started cultivating hate and fear over at FUX, I would have just sautéed your nutsacks with a Williams-Sonoma kitchen torch until you couldn’t scream anymore.
I am so done with you.*

*It is a widely accepted belief that Satan is actually under contract with Fox News Network, and makes increasingly frequent trips to Capital Hill at their invitation; they can’t seem to get enough of the fear and outrage it generates in their audience base, and the subsequent increase in their ratings.

Satan Stands With Newt

 Posted by on January 23, 2012 at 9:00 PM
Jan 232012
 

The Newter sneaks a glance at his bossman’s flag pin; or was it just tie envy. If you wanna see Newt’s rouge, you must click it.

 

COLUMBIA, S.C. —  Former Luciferian stooge and disgraced fallen angel Satan made a rare personal appearance alongside his boy Newton Leroy Gingrich, and used the occasion to deliver some satanic fire and brimstone on Gingrich’s behalf to a noisy room full of inebriated supporters.

“Newt Gingrich won South Carolina, he will crush Romney and the remaining clown car in Florida, and he will annihilate them in all the other states with a preponderance of racist crackers like you,” jeered the prince of darkness;  the witless crowd roared its approval.

A tubby and imperious Newt stood tight-lipped as Satan continued his incendiary remarks:  “Newt Gingrich is not— as the notorious religious cultist Willard Romney would have you believe, an immoral, hypocritical, womanizing pudge-ball.   I tell you that Newton Leroy Gingrich just happens to be history’s finest example of an amoral narcissistic elitist ever produced by American politics, and that’s why he has my complete support.”

Satan continued, “Romney has been campaigning for five years and has never created any heat, because he has not asked for my help.  But with my support, Newt Gingrich will  bring the heat— and turn your backward little democracy into a giant inferno of change.”

As any knowledgeable historian knows, Satan is popularly known as the personification of evil and is a powerful Christian icon;  more recently he has been a familiar face on Capital Hill.  This was apparently his first public appearance with Gingrich since a mysterious superpac began running ads on South Carolina media claiming Gingrich has made a deal with the Devil for the Republican Party presidential nomination.

Satan refused to take any questions, but did volunteer that without his wicked bad support, Gingrich would be just another lying pseudo-historian/lobbyist loser, and predicted that if conservatives and other fringey ideologues were foolish enough to select Romney, he would go on to lose the 2012 election to Barack Obama in a spectacular landslide.

He concluded his remarks with a long personification of evil glare, saying, “You’ve been warned.”