Tag: JEB

JEB! vs. MAR!

Empty wheelchair on cliff edge, desert

Has anyone seen Poppy Bush since this week’s GOP debate and Jeb!’s campaign firings?

A paralegal for a Huston attorney reports that during a visit to the Harris County courthouse Thursday, she noticed a file lying on the counter, tagged with the name of George H.W. Bush. The paralegal, who wishes to remain anonymous, admitted she was consumed with curiosity and opened the folder. Inside was a codicil to the will of Bush the Elder. In a nutshell, the amendment stipulated that the part of his estate, previously assigned to his second son John Ellis Bush (aka JEB!), would be immediately transferred to one Marco Antonio Rubio. (aka MAR!): Jeb! vs Mar! begins!

A spokesman for Bush the Elder refused to comment. But a reporter assigned to the Rubio campaign was able to corner him in the not-so-secret passageways that run under the Capitol Building, trying to duck yet another Senate vote.

“Senator Rubio! There are numerous reports in the press that major donors to the Bush campaign are leaving him in droves and are flocking to your campaign. This apparently includes his own family,”she exclaimed, dramatically thrusting a copy of 41’s codicil into his face. “Surely you’ve seen this by now. Care to comment?”

Rubio, pulling a large yellow sponge from his coat pocket and pressing it feverishly to his forehead, managed to compose himself. After sucking down large gulps of Fiji Water supplied to him by an attentive aide, he replied:

“You know, it’s a hard day’s night when your former mentor turns on you like Master Jeb! turned on me after Wednesday night’s debate. But I understand that as the GOP’s former front runner and heir apparent to the Bush family political dynasty, he is freaking out. Nonetheless, I feel hurt. It would be like Mr. Miyagi suddenly turning on Daniel San and hitting him over the head with a saki bottle.”

At which point two of his larger aides grabbed him under his dampened armpits and escorted him out of the hallway. Ewe.

Saki to me.

Republicans In Search Of A More Perfect ClusterPhuque

Uncle Ben Carson’s Rice For Brains brand of rhetoric will be on display at the third Republican Debate in Boulder, Colorado

Three Things To Remember About JEBOOsh

Fool Me Bush

If you really want to feel the BOOsh, you must click it.

 

It’s pretty simple, really; if you don’t remember how the pit of your stomach felt when George H W. Bush, and George W. Bush won their respective nominations and subsequent elections, then maybe you haven’t actually discovered the “pit” in your stomach. It’s an ill-defined region of the lower abdomen, regarded as the visceral repository of strong feelings, especially anxiety.

I know I have one, because whenever I see a political poll showing Jeb Bush leading that ever-proliferating pack of Republican tools, it immediately regurgitates a loop of his little brother, struggling to get through that simple aphorism, and I get the queasies bad.

I realize the head of Trump Entertainment Resorts will continue to blow up the Republican primary process until we are all nauseated. But eventually, one of those clowns will manage to wade through their political slime-fest and onto the convention floor, to accept the nomination.

Although it seems like that event is a long way off, already there have been one or two nanoseconds when the pit of my stomach reminds me— it could happen again— and sends my imagination spinning wild into a future where stupefying things happen: another Bush is handed the presidency by the Supreme Court; more young Americans dying in four, maybe eight more years of senseless oil wars; all manner of social and cultural backwardness, including the complete destruction of the “middle” class; and the depths of political despair. By God. We can’t let that happen. We can’t get fooled again.