Category: CULTURE

Mitt Romney’s Fevered Dreams: #3

A Romney Adviser Flippantly Characterized Romney As “Shell Shocked” After His Historic Loss

Bloomborg Bidnesswuss

I’m not sayin’ the folks at Bloomberg Businessweek are a bunch of wusses—  well, yes I am.
(If you want to see de Jesus, you must click it.)

Bloomborg Businessweek has been pushing their creative constraints lately, notably last week with their “It’s Global Warming, Stupid” cover, and again this week with their “Old Obama“ cover, here.

But if they were really free of their mainstream constraints, like for instance the fictional-centered, cyber publication Bloomborg Bidnesswuss is, they could crawl out on a creative limb and bust it up a tatt or two.

Whatever Barack Obama does in the next four years, whether it’s dying his hair orange, fixing the economy, gettin’ a couple neck tatts, or discovering another source of material energy— wouldn’t that be awesome?— we Americans are going to have to participate.

Now is a time for renewed optimism, but only if we put our optimism to work— on solving a whole slew of problems the past few generations have left in the wake of their, um, reckless abandon.  Can we do this thing?  Come on.  Think it with me:

Yes We Can.

Mechanical inventions and the dissemination of knowledge are modifying civilization;  certain economic adjustments and social changes are imperative if cultural disaster is to be avoided.  This new and oncoming social order will not settle down complacently for a millennium.¹  The human race must become reconciled to a procession of changes, adjustments, and readjustments.  Mankind is on the march toward a new and unrevealed planetary destiny.
—The Urantia Book

¹ That’s right— a “millennium” is a thousand years.

MITT ME YET?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17bbM2yznI0[/youtube]

Humanity marches on;
you can fight it—
or you can fight for it.
Change will come with or without you.

 

Stay Thirsty My Friends

The most interesting man in the world on one of the least interesting men in the world.

Yeah, that sloshing the water around your teeth every time is so attractive.
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Did that leave a bad taste in your mouth?  K then, here’s your palette cleanser.

RomBot5000 Severely Moderate 2.0 Download

That was my first thought, too:  “Does that junk work?”   “Does it has an off button?”

WASHINGTON, D.C.— In the face of what looked increasingly like an inevitable blowout by President Obama, Washington beltway wags were ecstatic this week after the nearly powered-off Rombot5000 provided the presidential race with an all-important infusion of high-grade lithium energy.

The surprising up-tick came immediately after an emergency software update just prior to the first presidential debate, dubbed by anonymous programmers as “Severely Moderate 2.0.”  Romney Campaign spokesman, Ben Dover, refused any characterization the update was emergency in nature, saying, “This was a planned incremental update, anticipated by Mr. Romney long before his main operating chip had become inarticulate.”

Dover was also tight-lipped about who actually writes and authorizes the downloads, referring all inquiries to the “Billionaires For Romney Consortium.”

Asked if the Rombot5000 would be performing in the next debate with the same upgrade, Dover said it didn’t really matter. “Our polling indicated we would not only win the first debate, but also that we would easily win all three debates, as well as the November 6 election.”

Pressed on specifically how their polling results were anything more than just the biased opinion of a few hundred Republicans, Dover said he wasn’t going to answer hypothetical questions, but that he did have an unspecified quantity of sodium chloride we could “all go pound.”

 

Killa The Magilla

I know you’re wondering too, who the effen hell is Omney Yan?  No— really. Who is he.

 “The taller the tree, the sweeter the peach
I’ll give you the whole megillah* in a one word speech”
—Frank Sinatra in Come Blow Your Horn

Quoi de neuf, chiens.*  You Leftist Elitists may be unacquainted with Magilla, a cartoon gorilla from the Gorillini tribe, who spends the bulk of his time languishing in the front window of Peebles’ Pet Shop eating beaucoup bananas and being a general drain on a small businessman’s bottom line.  Mr. Peebles would heavily discount Magilla’s asking price, and Magilla wound up being repeatedly outsourced for brief quixotic episodes in the “real world”; typically, to Wall Street thieves who needed someone to bail out break into a bank or two, or some other less imaginative malfeasance.

A las, Magilla was always returned to the Pet shop, and full refunds demanded.  Because even in cartoons,  it’s not about the tasty carrots or the power of cheese;  it’s all about the money.  Always.

On the other hand.  “Megillah” is also one of the five books of the Hebrew scriptures;  notable as a long and tedious account of a sort of holocaust prequel, the entire reading of which is often used as a natural sedative during the Jewish holiday of Purim.  Hence the birth of the phrase, “The full megillah.”  Funny thing;  Ahasuerus, dickish ruler of Persia at the time— yeah, same old Persia— also suffered from— wait for it— insomnia.  But there was no Book of Esther yet;  the poor schmuck had to rely on the not-so-efficacious court records being read to him to help him sleep.

Bof.  Where was I— So what has this got to do with the debates between President Obama and Omney Yan?  Well yada, the likelihood of some one of Romony’s speechifyin’ sycophants coming up with the zinger “Killa the Magilla” is, adMittedly, much much slimmer than Chris Christie after a twelve month twinkie pizza bender; but hey they’re dorks;  it could happen.

More to the point is the narrative around creating zinger “moments” the LoFos (Low information Voters) can extract from what must pass for their cortical overlays, and bring it to bear in the present moment in such a way that it hermetically divorces it from every other stenchi-fied thing they have on file about Mitt Romoney.  And at this late date, that should be enough dope to knock down a dancing horse.

So the chances of one of those clowns writing a zinger like that— and having it delivered effectively by the Romoney 2012-5000DW6-J are— in a “one word speech”—
unimaginable.

 

* What up, dawgs?