May the derp with the biggest head win. Click for too close.
WATERLOO, IOWA — Jimmy Joe Johnson, a member of the Iowa GOP’s State Central Committee and a former Iowa adviser to Ricky Santorum, said he spoke with unannounced praisedential candidate Ted Cruz about “tweaking” his economics-heavy message to best win over Iowa conservatives.
“You’ve got to enunciate the moral themes here,” Johnson told him, “Get a bigger cross, and wear it above your flag pin. If you don’t, you’ll lose.” So Ted tweaked it.
You’re probably surprised to see a super-slimmed-down Chris Christie front and center in the lineup. No more than we are; here’s what happened. Six weeks ago Christie promised himself that if he “lost” a little bit in two months, he would lob the rest of his weight into the ring. Nobody asked him whether he meant lose a kilo of cannabis, or cocaine, or human fat; or, you know, lost ground politically in New Jersey. And we’re not sure why losing something is incentive to try and win something, but he swears— a lot— that he lost it; well, actually he swears he’s just no longer looking for it.
And then there’s citizen Ricky Santorum.
On the left end, a cranky little* Marco Rubio won’t shut up about nothing in particular. And on the far right end, crippled Verbal Kint look-alike,** Randy Paul, who is still sniggering over that CPAC thing, is currently berating “potheads” that they’ll stop wanting to show up for work if they smoke all the time, annnnnd, they’ll get stupid and lazy and lose IQ points. But Randy is drawing on real world experience: remember that “Aqua Buddha” episode with his roomie? No? Seriously, NO??
Have you been smoking?
* “Not tall enough to be president.” —Mr. Ann Coulter
** Also “Not tall enough to be president.” —Mr. Ann Coulter
