According to the tireless efforts of patriots like Matt Drudgery and Rush Limpbot, a political catastrophe of the highest order can still be avoided.
In a scoop that left the MSM swooning with envy, Drudgery uncovered Barak Obama’s middle name.
“Hussein. Hussein!,” thundered Limpbot in an exclusive interview I had with him today.
“I mean, they don’t even try to hide the fact that his last name rhymes with Usama,” he said, wiping a flek of spittle from the corner of his mouth.
When I pointed out that Middle East expert Professor Juan Cole stated that Hussein is an honored name in Semitic cultures, shared by individuals like staunch US ally, King Hussein of Jordan; and that 14 of 43 U.S. presidents have Semiitc names, and that Barak means “blessed,” Limpbot grew visibly angry.
“Juan Cole? That anti-Armageddon Islamofascist terorrist sympathizer? Don’t you be quoting the likes of him around me, or you’re outta here.”
“Okay,” I said, looking down at my notes. “Perhaps you could clarify for my readers just who “they” are.”
“The fact that you even have to ask makes me wonder about where your own loyalties lie, buddy. Say, I don’t see you wearing a U.S. flag pin,” he said, suspicion evident in his tone.
After I explained that, like Obama, I don’t believe in wearing my patriotism on my lapel, and besides, the pins are made in China and probably contain heavy doses of toxic lead enamel, Limpbot sneered:
“Always an excuse with you people. I suppose that like Barak Hussein Usama, you don’t hold your hand over your heart when you sing the national anthem, either.”
Ignoring the taunt, I asked whether his overt racist characterizations of Obama as “Barak the Magic Negro,” and a “Half-rican” (white mother, black father) wasn’t getting enough traction, and perhaps that was why he was now employing the Barak-as-undercover-terrorist meme. Limpbot replied:
“Look. That picture of him wearing the turban was leaked to Matt by someone from within the Clinton campaign. Did you hear her on Meet the Press last night, qualifying her statement that Usama Obama isn’t a Muslim, as far as I know? Even the Clintonistas suspect something is not right with this guy.”
“And, and– then there’s the fact that this guy was sworn into the Senate on a Quran; a freakin’ Quran, for Chrissakes! And that as a kid in Indonesia he went to one of those madrass-ass terrorist training schools. And that his so-called Christian pastor thinks Nation of Islam’s Louis Farrakan is some kind of George Washington!”
After pausing to catch his breath, he continued his rant.
“And then there’s that slip up by that radical black activist wife of his about her being ashamed of being an American. Well, why don’t they just both move to Iraq and live with all those other America haters? Hell, I’ve got people who know where they can get themselves a couple of brand new suicide vests, cheap.”
After I pointed out that he was confusing Obama with another black legislator, Keith Ellison (aren’t all Blacks the same?), who happens to be a Muslim and was sworn into his House seat using Thomas Jefferson’s copy of the Quran; and that CNN had debunked the madrassa story by actually sending a reporter there to investigate; and that his wife’s words were taken out of context, Limpbot got red in the face. Cutting me off with a wave of his meaty hand, he railed:
“Don’t go messin’ with my narrative, mister. There’s an election coming up and Hillary is fading fast. We spent years and millions of taxpayer dollars defining her as a conniving, femma-nazi bitch. We spent less time defining John Kerry as an anti-war coward, however…” he said, his voice trailing off.
Shaking his head violently and reconnecting with his lizard brain, he continued.
“But there ain’t a whole lotta time left to define Barak Hussein Usama as someone equally as loathsome.”
“Barak to the Future,” I quipped, trying to regain his confidence.
But it was too late. Rising angrily out his chair, he grabbed a handful of Oxycontin and Viagra pills from a candy dish and threw them at my head.
“Get the hell out here before I call my Blackwater guys and have you escorted out of the building. Hell, out of the godamnned country!”
I got up, switched off my recorder and left.
Note to self: Never try to humor a corporatist, race baiting, fear-mongering, right wing authoritarian reactionary.