’08 Election Results Accidentally Leaked

Friday The Thirteenth Has Forever Been Redefined

WASHINGTON—Properly safeguarding the illusion of democracy is “job one” at Diebold, but nobody’s perfect. Our shadowy Overlords are occasionally exposed to the blinding light of reality when their computers hiccup, today revealing a McCain victory in November’s presidential election more than four months ahead of schedule.

Not to worry. Television Networks, ever sensitive to unforeseen events, were quick to announce that regularly scheduled broadcasts of America’s Next Top Model, Gossip Girl, Heroes, Smallville, Family Guy, The Simpsons, Prison Break, So You Think You Can Dance, Hannah Montana, Criminal Minds, Moonlight, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, 24, Power Rangers, SpongeBob Square Pants, Hell’s Kitchen, The Big Bang Theory, and of course, Lost, will not be affected by this disgusting glimpse of the rotted underbelly of American Democracy.

Sensitive new-age types have, of course, become even more cynical and depressed to learn that their worst fears weren’t even close to the absolute power of corruption revealed by the leak of supposed free election results, which show McCain has beaten Sen. Obama 48% to 44%.

Despite the shocking news, experts are not predicting a wave of revolutionary violence, but are instead looking for unprecedented new levels of robot-like conformity in the general populace as they once again let go of hope.

Prematurely triumphant, McCain had no comment on the Vote fiasco.

President pre-elect John McCain sent a strong signal to the press earlier today by calling an emergency press conference at McCain home seven of nine, only to announce he would have “no comment” on the election fiasco, and would answer no questions, saying only that “The people have spoken,” and, “It’s not really important that the results were delivered four months ahead of schedule; the results would have been the McSame,‘ ” and chuckling softly at his attempt at self-effacing humor as he turned his body and head in unison and flashed his ubiquitous “blinky grin,” first unveiled in front of the now infamous lime-green monster, which had somehow been updated to read, “An Election We Can Believe In.

McCain‘s newly minted press secretary, Chuck Norris, said that, barring another unforeseen event, the next press briefing would be a prepared announcement to be broadcast on election day, November 2nd. McCain is reported to be intensifying his search for a vice-presidential candidate in light of today’s events.

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