“Pander Bear” McCain Does Sturgis

John “Pander Bear” McCain trailered into the Sturgis Bike Rally today.

STURGIS SD — Appearing in an unusual pastiche of “biker” raiment, Senator John McCain gave a live performance Monday at the Buffalo Chip Campground in front of several hundred intoxicated and bemused bikers. With the sound of automatic weapons fire reverberating in the background from the camp’s newest feature— a machine gun firing range— the candidate delivered a halting accolade to the nation’s military veterans, punctuated by several involuntary flinches triggered by the oddly appropriate machine gun bursts.

The potential Commander-in-Chief donned a biker “skid-lid” festooned with air brushed skulls and stickers, and his new self-effacing biker handle, “Pander Bear.” McCain mingled with the bikers afterward, who, in various stages of inebriation, seemed preoccupied with the fact that his aides had sown several biker patches directly to McCain’s expensive Italian suit coat.

One enormous tattooed biker wearing an unusual animal fur on his head, asked the senator if he knew what the word “DILLIGAF” meant, pointing to the patch on McCain’s upper right chest. McCain tried to eyeball his chest, finally saying, “Yes; that’s the um, that’s the place all my gaffs go to die!” After the guttural snickering trailed off, the burly biker said in a suddenly menacing tone, “Nope. “DILLIGAF” stands for “Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck.”

A local reporter quickly jumped into the awkward silence, asking McCain if he had participated in any of the Buffalo Chip‘s daily events, like the Fake Orgasm Contest, or the tandem parachute jump into the Chip campground. McCain said that he had spent the day working on his new energy proposal, that he said would “Help give the oil companies the incentives they needed to expand oil drilling offshore and lead us to energy independence.” A nearby biker guffawed, “Oh you mean that Four Billion dollar tax-break you wanna give’m? Yeah that’s some fuckin’ incentive, alright! Did you cook that up before or after they dropped that two mil into yur campaign purse, ya little pussy.”

McCain instantly wiggled a tit-high thumbs-up and a blinky grin to the crowd and whirled towards the Straight Talk Express. The secret service boys quickly moved in front to make way for the “Pander Bear.”

It really is like the biker patch says. “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”

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