FAIRFAX WALMART — Betty Irene Fiobles of East Dour drove to the Fairfax Walmart in a snit of Christmassy cheer Wednesday, but that cheer was quickly and brutally put to death by a renegade Walmart greeter, who savaged her by blithely uttering, “Merry Holidays.” Fiobles snapped, shouting, “How dare you!” and began pummeling the greeter, 76 year old Max Gauche, with her deluxe toaster oven-sized purse.
Several other customers and employees struggled to get Fiobles beyond striking distance, while Gauche was pulled to his feet. An angry verbal exchange ensued, with Fiobles hurling epithets laced with expletives, calling Gauche a “domestic terrorist” and a “Christmas hater.” Gauche, a disabled World War II Veteran, asked Fiobles if she was insane, which prompted another attempted lunging attack.
Walmart Security eventually sequestered Fiobles in the employee lounge to await the arrival of East Dour deputies. She explained, unsolicited, that she was actively involved in the “War on Christmas Greetings,” and a follower of Fox News “host” Bill O’Reilly‘s struggles against the secular progressive agenda to destroy Christmas, and would do everything in her power to prevent the “Christian celebration of Christmas to be attacked by secular terrorists.”
Fiobles went on to applaud Utah Sen. Chris Buttars’ recent attempts to pass a resolution requiring store clerks to say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays,” calling him “…a patriot in the true statuary [sic] of our Lord.” Whatever that means.
Greeter Max Guache said he would be pressing charges against Fiobles, and was quitting his job immediately, explaining, “I’m simply too old to have to put up with people who are just “nuckin’ futts.”