George “W” Teh Failure Bush
Now that Bush the War Criminal President has been sequestered behind the federally funded gate on the dead end street in Preston Hollow or whatever the fuck the place is called, conservative revisionists are hard at work trying to wrap the stinking reality of the last eight years in a pleasant smelling blanket of denial. And the good toads who exclusively wrap Republicans like Teh Chimpy in pleasing graphics for their campaigns hate to see their mawkish gravy dry up, so they’re marketing a bunch of useless ersatz crap to squeeze whatever blood they can out of the 22 percenters who are teh stoopid enough to buy it.
I am not making this up; it’s here. But rather than going there and having to shower afterward, we’ve done a little revising of our own and bring you some of our commemorative products, products that never let you forget what teh evil stoopid can do when they manage to get a hold of our political and financial power.
Premium handmade Cigars made by genuinely poor folk in the Dominican Republic. A tasty Sumatra wrapper masks the horrible-shit tobacco inside. The gold wax seal will preserve and protect this Dubious Dubya collectible for years to come, making sure you never forget what the monkey did to the nation. Imprinted with Commemorative “W.T.F.” logo and inauguration dates.
Single: $12.00 •• 10 Cigars: $95.00 •• 25 Cigars: $225.00
Remind your buds WTF Bush did to us every time they see your topknot. Black micro-poison-fiber cap made in China and embroidered with “W. T. F.” on the front and “Teh Criminal” on the back. Not adjustable; one size force-fit for all. Price: $14.95
When you think you just can’t stand it anymore, get your booze on with these 13.5 oz. W.T.F. glass bourbon buckets, and drown your sorrow the way W tried to drown our government in a bathtub. Price: $24.95
Imagine the good life you’ve missed with this “W.T.F.” 30 oz. decanter. 22% lead-in-teh-head crystal, hand blown (natch). Glass will ring when pinged as long as you’re drunk on your ass. Measures 10.75″ H x 3.5″ W. Price: $114.95
As you know, it took an enormous amount of shiny white boy balls for Bush to spawn the clusterphuque of the past eight years, and now they’re for sale. Just the kind of thing you’d like to lay a big four wood into for a satisfying smack down the fairway; if you can still afford the green fees. Price: $9.95
But if none of this crap quite gets it done for you, you may need the expensive but reliable old stand-by:
Washing away the slime of corrupt politicians since the Reagan era, SLIME-A-WAY Evil Politician Cleaner has an all-new formula for the virulent W. T. F. strain of Bush politics. This stuff has what it takes to get clean again. Price: $17900
(Yes, it’s expensive; but that’s the price you pay when eternal vigilance is neglected and the inmates run the asylum.)
Men can suck the heady juice of exalted self-importance from the bitter weed of failure— failures are the most conceited of men.
—D. H. Lawrence