According to Michele Bachmann’s volatile new brain trust, the best place for a bomb— especially a “money Bomb”— is a bomb shelter. Natch. Really far right to insane far right: a two dimensional cardboard Ned Flanders, an unidentified Christian Zionist talking rodent, Republican Jesus, anarchist tool Michele Bachmann, and Ex-Nazi physicist, Dr. Strangelove. (If you want to feel the coming shockwaves, you must click it.)
WATERLOO, IOWA — Bold copy on MicheleBachmann.com proclaims, “On day 2 of our money bomb, thousands have joined in support of a simple message: We cannot afford another four years of Obama. Click like if you’ll donate $24 or more to our money bomb to make certain that Obama will be a one-term president.” Make certain Obama will be a one-term president. Help us make a Money Bomb. Yeah, we get it.
In slightly more than five years, the “first Republican woman to be elected to the U.S. House of Representatives from Minnesota,” Michele Bachmann, has blown through five chiefs of staff, five press secretaries, two district directors, and five legislative assistants since joining the Congress. Some senior staff members lasted only days before departing; others wasted little more than a year with her.
“She displays erratic behavior, and her staff bears the brunt,” a Republican source said. “It’s important to remember that her husband plays a big role.”
Her husband plays a “big role”?? Oh wait; that’s right; Real Christian men call the shots; not their subservient wives. The influence of Bachmann’s husband on the Congresswoman is another big reason cited by “a Republican source” for the turnover.
But when it comes to the “erratic behavior,” it’s another simple message: she’s effing nuts.
Particularly poignant are her latest adds, which are all over blogs like a blistery pestilence, attacking President Obama for his sensible attempt to find a way forward in the Israeli-Palestinian impasse:
President Obama has announced his support of returning Israel and Palestine to the pre-war borders of 1967— [Holy Shit! A whopper right outa the chute!] borders that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called “indefensible.” [Indefensible? What’s “indefensible” is a U.S. Congresswoman putting Israel’s policies ahead of America’s policies. Republicans call that “treason,” don’t they?]This announcement was an unprecedented act [Really? Haven’t all U.S. Presidents addressed the Israeli-Palestinian Problem because it’s an intractable thorn in America’s ass?] . . .and is yet another example of his policy of blaming Israel first. [Blaiming Israel for what, exactly?]President Obama’s course is a rapid and drastic departure from previous U.S. policy. [Another whopper! But Ima let you finish.] These actions are totally unacceptable. [Totally unacceptable to Whom? Republican Shills for Israel?] Abandoning decades of peacemaking efforts, this plan is a return to the failed past and would heavily jeopardize Israeli security and stability in an already unstable Middle East. [Do any Israeli leaders not experience abandonment issues when a U.S. President suggests solutions to their problems that don’t involve wedging America’s nostrils up Israel’s ass?] Americans know that a safer Israel is a safer world, [Americans “know” that a “safer Israel”— just like a “safer America”— is one that isn’t in a state of constant and relentless war with their next door neighbor.] and expect our President to put his best foot forward towards accomplishing this goal.
Unfortunately it is now very clear Barack Obama simply does not support one of America’s closest allies. [You know, this woman is just a fucking liar, and unfortunately, it is now very clear that she and her husband put Israel’s security above America’s.]
Israel needs the support of the American people now more than ever. Take a stand today and sign the petition to tell Barack Obama: Don’t betray Israel.
[BETRAY! ISRAEL! Why is Bachmann and her “big role” husband, who claim to be Christians (I’m sure they each have a certificate), so high school hyperbolic over Israel they’re just making shit up? Well, she’s convinced in her heart and her— oh fuggit; I’ll let her tell you. And I’ll continue to butt in whenever I feel like it.]
I am convinced in my heart and in my mind that if the United States fails to stand with Israel, that is the end of the United States . . . [APOCALYPSE!! APOCALYPSE!!] [W]e have to show that we are inextricably entwined, that as a nation we have been blessed because of our relationship with Israel, and if we reject Israel, then there is a curse that comes into play. [Yep, the curses come into play! Seriously— look what happened to Pharaoh Yul Brenner and the Egyptians in The Ten Commandments once he betrayed the eventual state of Israel: you immediately got your Plague of Blood, Ex. 7:14–25, where the Nile and other water sources turned to some kind of blood— I think it was probably chicken blood, but, you know, what a mess; then the Plague of Frogs, (which, sadly, was axed from the movie because it looked silly), then the Plague of Lice, the Plague of flies, the Plague of Pestilence, which actually just attacked the Egyptian horses and donkeys and camels and cattle and sheep and goats. But Pharaoh Yul was unmoved, so God, who by now was pretty darned upset with his Pharaohness, sent them the Plague of Boils— (Fun fact: the painful, unsightly boils not only infected the Egyptians, which totally fucked up their social scene, but also the livestock got them all over, too). Then followed a Plague of Hail and fire, then starving Locusts, then super heavy Darkness, and finally, the coop de gravy, the Death of the Firstborns— including, of course, not just little Egyptian boys and girls, but all Egyptian firstborn cows, horses, camels, goats, sheep, chickens, house pets, etc.
This all to biblically say that the curses the Bachmanns think God will no doubt plague the United States with once he hears that President Obama has “betrayed Israel,” will make DeMille‘s Bible plagues look like a Chuck Heston B movie.]
“And my husband and I are both Christians, and we believe very strongly [in curses??] the verse from Genesis [Genesis 12:3], we believe very strongly [Is that like, fetishistically strongly?] that nations also receive blessings as they bless Israel. It is a strong and beautiful principle.
Really. “Strong and beautiful”?? And, so very “curse-ful”— so very “the more you give to Israel, the more you get from God-ful”— and of course: Divinely Sanctioned . And there’s another rub.
I have no objection to politicians showing support for our allies. I do object to the implication of Bachmann’s statements that there is a religious imperative to support Israel. Not because I have a problem with religion, but because I have a problem with a U.S. Congressperson who believes that God dictates unequivocal support for a foreign power.
Really, I never thought God was the kind of guy who would pit nation against nation— it’s just so— unJesusonian, you know?
Look. The Israelis know a bitchin’ lapdog when they see one. Bachmann‘s natural ability to twist the truth into a pretzel and wrap it in a Bible verse is the money bomb of her appalling sense of political opportunism. And her brainless trust in Bible prophesy makes her dangerous to our way of keeping the church crazy out of our government. But she isn’t alone on this; she just happens to be the biggest and most fundamental fool sorta kinda running for president. There were at least sixteen other dimbulb House Republicons who were either too stupid to listen to what the president actually said, or were intentionally stirring up shit because, well, it’s what they do. But they pale in comparison to the Right Wing Media chorus of idiots, who have been pounding this bullshit for years.
When all the hyperbolic adds are paid for and the Bachmanns have been repeatedly and publicly shown to be liars— again— we’ll still be contending with the first Republican woman to be elected to the U.S. House of Representatives from Minnesota abusing her religion and her position; and that is truly a plague on our House.