DES MOINES —Stoked on Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Eggs Benedict, telewubby sixty-eight year old Republican front-runner Newton Gingrich demonstrated his dubious leadership gene by vowing to let the Obama White House set his agenda for the rest of his campaign— if he wins the nomination:
“I promise you, if you will help me on January 3, if I end up as the nominee, in my acceptance speech, if the president has not yet agreed, I will announce from that day forward for the rest of the campaign, the White House will be my scheduler,” Gingrich said. “And wherever the president appears, I will appear four hours later.”
Gingrich said he would challenge Obama to seven Lincoln-Douglas style debates lasting three hours each with no moderator and only a timekeeper. “I will concede that he can use a teleprompter,” Gingrich said.
If I was Obama I would jet-lag this narcissistic gerbil until he needed to use a teleprompter just to stand up.
According to Gingrich, his plan to follow Obama around the country is based on Abraham Lincoln‘s strategy of giving a rebuttal speech to Stephen Douglas in the same place that Douglas had given a speech one day earlier during the 1858 Illinois Senate campaign.
“After about three weeks, Douglas figured out that the newspaper coverage was always Lincoln’s answer and not Douglas’s speech,” Gingrich said.
Yep, that’s why Douglas did all seven debates— and, oh wait— he also won the election.*
Gingrich predicted Obama would accept the debate challenge, in part because of wanting to preserve media coverage, but also out of ego.
Uh Right; the exact reasons Newter is insisting on the debates himself; but yeah, Barack Obama just doesn’t get enough “media coverage” as president; and nobody knows more about acting out of shear ego lust than The Newter.
“How can a Harvard Law Review editor, the greatest orator in the modern Democratic party, admit to being afraid to be on the same platform as a West Georgia college professor?”
Perfectly right; there’s absolutely no reason to be afraid of being “on the same platform” as an amoral, corrupt, self-aggrandizing lying-ass lobbyist who was booted from the House by his own party for ethical crimes. But what really takes the peanut butter cake is Gingrich’s faux humility in referring to himself as a “West Georgia college professor”— when in fact he was denied tenure— even as a small town “college professor.”
So keep stuffing your pie-hole full of Reese’s pudge-butter, Newter; just remember: the TeaPublican elevator doesn’t go to the top floor, which means you’re going to have to waddle your pasty buttocks up a few flights of stairs on your own steam if you wanna get to a three-hour ass-kicking by the president.
* The partisan newspapers of the day only corrected their candidate’s transcripts, but left the opponent’s transcripts in the rough form in which they found them. Douglas was pandering to pro-slavery whites, refusing to even recognize slaves as having any rights of citizenship and therefore no standing as human beings. Lincoln did not prevail in the senatorial election, but did put all his corrected debate transcripts into a book, which became highly influential in familiarizing him to the nation and helped him win the presidency two years later.