The Newter Writhes Again

Why yes, that is a Swedish apparatus* crossing The Newter’s pectoral majesty, and indeed that is a steamy presidential partner at his, thigh; of course they are leering at the Leftist conspirators occupying Wall Street.
And thank you for overlooking the several piles of baggage that have made him what he is today— a 68 year old up-and-coming Republican leader.
(If you want to check his baggage you must click it.)

Certainly you know it takes a special kind of man to become sufficiently intellectually disengaged from reality to write his doctoral dissertation on “Belgian Education Policy in the Congo,” and specifically from 1945 through 1960— the heyday, perhaps? —which gives rise to the inevitable question: “When did being Kenyan-ishly anticolonial  become a bad thing?

It became a bad thing when Newton Leroy Gingrich said it did.  Yes;  these are not the sort of things real historians say, but that’s not why it’s unforgettable.  Rather is it the traditional, off-hand hyperbole, so thoroughly layered into the folds of The Newter‘s ample cortical overlay;  and lo, his self-serving synapses had only just begun to fire.

You see, The Newter has long understood the psychology of fear, which he learned from the Battle of Verdon as he was “studyin’ up”¹ on the importance of political leadership while living in Orleans.   France.  This vicarious dalliance with a particular battle of the Second World War would be the closest The Newter would ever come to a personal involvement with armed conflict.

But that’s right;  The Newter was educated in France as well as the United States.  While some narrow-minded Americans might snicker and call him an elitist and even a filthy traitor, most liberal Americans know it’s important— to minds’ like Newt’s— whether or not the Battle of Verdon was actually a French tactical victory, or just a costly strategic stalemate with the Germans.

But to dissect that hardly-worn nugget of historical navel lint requires one to unpack the whole nature of, well— Feudalism.²  Of course, self-absorbed historians like The Newter know going in there is no widely accepted modern definition of feudalism, and that the noun feudalism wasn’t coined until the 19th century, and even now it is most often used in a pejorative political and propaganda context which hist—  well.  I digress.

A relatively svelte but confused nineteen year old Newter posed with Baker High School friends in 1962, wearing a single handcuff and an inexplicable Motley Crüde t-shirt; later that week, he married his geometry teacher.

Let’s just use the Newtonian suggested language of his apocalyptic demolition politics:  “Obama” is “sick,” a “traitor,” has laid the nation to “waste,” his Kenyan-ey forte is the “corruption” and “decay” of big D Democracy, he is definitely “anti-flag,” and is single-handedly destroying America with his Kenyan-ish-ey colonialism.

And you should know:

Laura Seay

Gingrich liked colonialism. Especially the Belgian variety, which limited the vast majority of Congolese to a sixth-grade education, taught children that God wanted them to obey the exploitative colonial authorities, and was the reason the country had fewer than 20 university graduates and no indigenous doctors at independence.

As this bold photoshopped placement shows, The Newter’s in-depth analysis of the Congolese educational system has kept him in touch with the poor, uneducated folk, ostensibly going right down where they live and encouraging them to go get a job— right after they take a bath.
(If you want to smell the unclean, you must click it.)

The Newter nailed it down hard for the precipitous Conservative Right when he grandiloquently pointed out that, just like the “entitled brats” comprising the Occupy Wall Street movement, the poor are also “leeching off hardworking taxpayers,” (read:  the precipitous Conservative Right), and are of course in greater need of more frequent bathing.  Oh.  And in need of saving, according to some Christians.

The Newter, who is writhing through his third marriage, is also writhing³ through his third Christian religion.  Abandoned by his teenage father after three days, his teenage mother married twenty-one year old Robert Gingrich three years later, thus little Newt was raised in the Lutheran faith. It didn’t take.  In graduate school Newton became a Southern Baptist.

In due time The Newter was trolling snatch on Capital Hill, and it wasn’t long before he inadvertently became enamored with the religion of a House staffer he was shtoinking in addition to Mrs Gingrich the Second;  after all, it seemed to be working for her, know what I mean?

Nowadays The Newter and Mrs Gingrich the Third are both Roman Catholic Christians, and as such, know it is their inherent duty to reign over the poor with a beneficent fist hand— the hand/fist of the Super-rich purveyors of the Catholic/Christian interpretation of the Gospel of Jesus.

I gradually became Catholic and then decided one day to accept the faith I had already come to embrace in my ongoing adultery.  The moment I decided to officially become a Catholic was when I saw Pope Benedict XVI on hisvisit to the United States in 2008.  Catching a glimpse of the Pope that day, I was struck by the happiness and peacefulness, the total raw power and authority he exuded over all.  The little people seemed to worship him;  I can haz that? I thought to myself…  Anyway, this was a moment of confirmation about the many things I had been thinking and experiencing for several years— religion could be an even more powerful tool than the filibuster.  In America, religious belief is being driven by a cultural elite trying to create a secularized America, in which God is driven out of public life.  Well, I intend to be the one doing the driving from here on out. 

“Feed the poor.”
—John the Baptist, to the Rich

As human nature will have it, you will find numerous hypocrites in every evolutionary religion.  But professed followers of Jesus, such as The Newter, who openly eschews the social equality of brotherhood and its fundamental economic fairness, for the opulent habiliments of the privileged elite, are particularly glaring hypocrites when they insinuate the poor are to blame for their plight:

“All the Occupy movement [which ipso facto is the poor] starts with the premise that we owe them everything.  They take over a public park they didn’t pay for, to go nearby to use bathrooms they didn’t pay for, to beg for food from places they don’t want to pay for, to obstruct those who are going to work to pay the taxes to sustain the bathrooms and to sustain the park, so they can self-righteously explain they are the paragons of virtue to which we owe everything.

“That is a pretty good symptom of how much the left has collapsed as a moral system in this country, and why you need to reassert something by saying to them, ‘Go get a job right after you take a bath.”

“. . .Reassert” what, exactly?  And to whom?  And seriously—  “…the left has collapsed as a moral system”???  Fuuuuuuu-uck.

Listen.  The Newter was the family values candidate who was so in way up over his moral comp-ass in an adulterous relationship the entire time he was working to impeach President Clinton for having an adulterous relationship.  Yes, The Newter was shtoinking a House of representatives staffer behind his wife’s back, while vociferously condemning the president for doing the same thing.  The hypocrisy.  The hypocrisy..  The hypocrisy…  it not only burns, it makes my fucking ears bleed.

Yes, yyyesss, it is only one of the more grotesque moral failings of our time. We’ve chosen base, incompetent, disloyal, and morally unfit political leaders.  The Newter Gingrich is only one of them, but he is very likely the worst, simply because he now portends to be president;  the moral and ethical “leader”of all Americans, and arguably the most important leader in the world.

But this off-the-fucking-charts insane level of hypocrisy by men like Newton Leroy Gingrich, who routinely, repeatedly, and habitually betray— before God— not only their spouses, but their espoused religious principals as well— should never be elected to another public office as long as they breathe air.


* Swedish Apparatus ala Frank Zappa’s “Strictly Genteel: 

Help everybody, so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction

A Swedish apparatus
With a hood and a bludgeon
With a microwave oven
“Honey, how do it feel?”

¹ Gratuitous Herman Cain-ism

² In 1974, U.S. historian Elizabeth A. R. Brown rejected the label “feudalism” as an anachronism that imparts a false sense of uniformity to the concept.  Having noted the current use of many, often contradictory, definitions of feudalism, she argued that the word is only a construct with no basis in medieval reality, an invention of modern historians read back “tyrannically” into the historical record. Supporters of Brown have suggested that the term should be expunged from history textbooks and lectures on medieval history entirely.

³ writhe:  make continual twisting, squirming movements or contortions


  1. i have a theory. call me crazy, but i don’t think newtie wants to be president. he never did. he was just using this as a way to promote his shitty movies and books using campaign money he collected from people too stupid to realize he doesn’t really want to be president. i don’t think he ever expected to be the frontrunner. as his poll numbers go up, the more outrageous the shit he says. now, that might be explained by his getting more attention because his polls numbers are going up. was he saying these really stupid things all along, but we didn’t noticem because we were too distracted by where hermie was getting his dinky stinky? i don’t think newtie’s rise in the polls makes him any more desirous of the presidency. he’s far too lazy and wouldn’t want all the scrutiny that comes with the job. however, his plans might have changed. i think he was sabotaging himself all along, but mittsie is so hated, and the others are so stupid, that newtie might become the candidate after all by default. if so, he’ll continue to say really stupid shit so he can lose to obama. as long as he doesn’t lose as badly as capt underpants did, he’ll still be able to make money with his shitty speeches, books, and movies. after all, capt underpants lost in a landslide, and he’s on every friggin’ sunday talk show every week. if mittsie gets the nomination, then newtie has to make sure that he doesn’t win. newtie will trash mittsie at every turn (and vice versa) so that, by the time he gets the nomination, mittsie will be so damaged he won’t win. you see, obama has to win again in order for newtie to have someone to scream about from the sidelines. that’s how he makes his money. if mittsie wins (g-d forbid), then newtie, as a fellow rethuglican, won’t be able to make a stink, so he won’t make any money.

    as i said, just a theory.

    1. Propagandee Propagandee


      That the Newter got into the race for the same reason as Herman the Vermin–to increase their Q Score, sell more books, films, speeches, etc.– was apparent from Day One of his campaign. Recall that nearly his entire staff quit when he decided to take a tour boat to the Greek Islands, right around the time the Tiffany account surfaced. Subsequent “campaign” excursions weren’t focused on critical primary states (again, like Herman) but states that would help pour money into Newt Inc;

      Newt Inc is quite the family affair. (It grossed over $100m between 2001-2010.) Callista runs Gingrich Productions, a video and documentary production company that extols the wisdom of the Gingrichs on various policy matters; and his daughter, Kathy Lubbers is the director of Celebrity Leaders, which books Gingrich’s speeches– at $60k a pop as the Newster himself said the other day– as well as being a a paid political adviser for his campaign. Other income streams include FGH Publications that collect royalties from fiction books co-authored by Gingrich, and of course the coin he gets as a “historical consultant” and other influence peddling for the likes of the medical industrial complex per his

      Compared with Newt Inc, Sarah Palin’s own hucksterism is small potatoes.

      Like Herman, I share your opinion that Newt was taken aback by his sudden rise to the top of the polls (which says more about Rethug desperation than it does any thing else). Further evidence about Newt’s original motives is the amount of time, energy, and money he’s spent on organizing a ground game in the early primary states–nada– and the paltry amount he’s spent on tv ads so far, $225k (compared to Rick Perry’s $6+ million.)

      But I don’t think Newt is consciously sabotaging his own campaign (his subconscious is quite capable of doing that for him). Rather I think he’s being forced to rethink the whole thing. Perhaps he underestimated just how strong The Anybody But Mitt contingent really is; and how fast the rest of the field is dying off. (Rand Paul is another matter. How I do hope he decides to run as a third party! But that’s a discussion for another time.)

      So, Newt is like the yappy neighborhood dog that loves chasing cars but now finds himself with a mouth full of bumper. Perhaps his visit to Mount Trump yesterday was to get the advice of another, but more successful, presidential huckster. Could there be a joint venture in the works? A scripted “debate” strategy designed to foster both their interests? Gotta admit they make quite the pair.

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