COLUMBIA, S.C. — Former Luciferian stooge and disgraced fallen angel Satan made a rare personal appearance alongside his boy Newton Leroy Gingrich, and used the occasion to deliver some satanic fire and brimstone on Gingrich’s behalf to a noisy room full of inebriated supporters.
“Newt Gingrich won South Carolina, he will crush Romney and the remaining clown car in Florida, and he will annihilate them in all the other states with a preponderance of racist crackers like you,” jeered the prince of darkness; the witless crowd roared its approval.
A tubby and imperious Newt stood tight-lipped as Satan continued his incendiary remarks: “Newt Gingrich is not— as the notorious religious cultist Willard Romney would have you believe, an immoral, hypocritical, womanizing pudge-ball. I tell you that Newton Leroy Gingrich just happens to be history’s finest example of an amoral narcissistic elitist ever produced by American politics, and that’s why he has my complete support.”
Satan continued, “Romney has been campaigning for five years and has never created any heat, because he has not asked for my help. But with my support, Newt Gingrich will bring the heat— and turn your backward little democracy into a giant inferno of change.”
As any knowledgeable historian knows, Satan is popularly known as the personification of evil and is a powerful Christian icon; more recently he has been a familiar face on Capital Hill. This was apparently his first public appearance with Gingrich since a mysterious superpac began running ads on South Carolina media claiming Gingrich has made a deal with the Devil for the Republican Party presidential nomination.
Satan refused to take any questions, but did volunteer that without his wicked bad support, Gingrich would be just another lying pseudo-historian/lobbyist loser, and predicted that if conservatives and other fringy ideologues were foolish enough to select Romney, he would go on to lose the 2012 election to Barack Obama in a spectacular landslide.
He concluded his remarks with a long personification of evil glare, saying, “You’ve been warned.”