You won’t find SATAN Magazine just anywhere; that’s probably a good thing.
Yes, he threw up on himself. If you wanna see the hurl, you must click it.
I’m always on the look-out for new benchmarks of Right Wing crazy, especially where it involves religious ideas. But sometimes those “benchmarks” find me.
It was nearly lunchtime, and I was craving some tasty beef tongue tacos (lengua), and happened upon a Mexican grill in the little American burg of Cumming, Georgia. Uh huh, a real place. I slid into a brightly painted wooden booth next to a window, and lo, there on the seat was an unblemished copy of the March issue of “SATAN Magazine.”
I’m sure like me you’ve never even heard of it. But there was the omnipresent Rick Santorum on the cover, looking all Jerry Seinfeld/Kenneth Parcell nut-waddled, being honored as “Liquid of the Year.” Of course I had to take a peek inside, at least until the tongue tacos showed up. And just, wow; I was totally flummoxed by what I read.
Indeed, the cover story was written by Satan— or well, maybe, somebody just like him. If you follow the news, you know that Santorum is being handed a pussload of PR because of his penchant for placing Satan on such a high pedestal, one that actually allows him to launch “attacks” on the United States. And Satan takes full credit for Santorum‘s willingness to blather on and on about him, as if Satan were somehow more powerful than God himself:
If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States, [Often referred to as "The Great Satan" by certain middle eastern religious fanatics; coincidence? I think not.] and that has been the case now for almost two hundred years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.
He [Satan] didn’t have much success in the early days. [Hmmm; just forget that Adam and Eve, knowledge of good and evil bullshit; oh, and that murdering-of-the-Son-of-God-thing; I'm sure anyone as powerful as Rick thinks Satan is didn't have a thing to do with that, either.] Our great foundation was very strong, in fact, is very strong [Despite how currently destroyed the rest of the nation's house supposedly is.] But over time, that great, acidic quality of time corrodes even the strongest foundations. [Huh; well I guess we're just all doomed then?] And Satan has done so [I know—what the fuck has "that great, acidic quality of time" got to do with Satan...] by attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality[which, after all, if truth be told, were possibilities created by God's gift of freewill choice, eh?] as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has [sic] so deeply rooted in the great American tradition.
He was successful. He attacks all of us and he attacks all of our institutions. The place where he was, in my mind, [really?? In your mind??] the most successful and first successful [sic] was in academia. He understood pride [sic]of smart people. He attacked them at their weakest, that they were, in fact, smarter than everybody else and could come up with something new and different. [That's right, truth is actually frozen in ancient biblical times, how dare anyone think the Spirit of Truth— the "teacher" Paul says was sent by Christ— has anything new to teach succeeding generations.] Pursue new truths, deny the existence of truth, play with it because they’re smart. And so academia, a long time ago, fell. [Except for Rick's professors; they were unswayed by Satan, all worth listening to, and thus his three degrees are perfectly valid and not at all snobbish or elitist.]
And you say “what could be the impact of academia falling?” Well, I would have the argument that the other structures that I’m going to talk about here had root of their destruction because of academia. [Education bad! Ignorance good!] Because what academia does is educate the elites in our society, [Except me...] educates the leaders in our society, particularly at the college level. And they were the first to fall. [Hear me today, and believe me tomorrow: Except, like I already tried to tell you— why are you so stupid??— for Rick's professors, who were immune to Satan's sophistries, and thus Rick's three degrees do NOT make him an elitist smarty-pants.]
And so what we saw this [sic] domino effect, once the colleges fell and those who were being education [sic] in our institutions, the next was the church, because Satan can only concentrate on one of our great institutions at a time. Now you’d say, ‘wait, the Catholic Church’? No. [The Catholics were apparently immune to any Satanic influence.] We all know that this great country was founded on a Judeo-Christian ethic, but the Judeo-Christian ethic was a Protestant Judeo-Christian ethic, sure, the Catholics had some influence, but this was a Protestant country and the Protestant ethic, mainstream, mainline Protestantism, and of course we look at the shape of mainline Protestantism in this country and it is in shambles, it is gone from the world of Christianity as I see it. [Is that the mother of all run-on sentences or what?!?] So they [the bad, liberal, fallen college professors] attacked mainline Protestantism, they attacked the Church, and what better way to go after smart people who also believe they’re pious, [But aren't really even as smart as Rick Santorum, yo—] to use both vanity and pride to also go after the Church.
After that, you start destroying the Church and you start destroying academia, [Huh?? But I thought you said... oh fuck never mind.] the culture is where their [WTF? Who is "their"?? All the Satanic minions?] next success was and I need not even go into the state of the popular culture today. Whether its [sic] sensuality of vanity of the famous in America, [Okay, now do try to get that: "sensuality of vanity of the famous in America" ...] they are peacocks on display and they have taken their poor behavior and made it fashionable. [He's lookin' right at you, Hollywood liberal Mother Fuckers!] The corruption of culture, the corruption of manners, [Yes "manners," you pigs.] the corruption of decency is now on display whether it’s the NBA [Oh, the heartbreak of evil tattoos!] or whether it’s a rock concert [Put those fucking lighters away, you imbeciles.] or whether it’s on a movie set. [ Yeah, ANY movie set. Moving pictures = pure EVIL. ]
The fourth, and this was harder, now I know you’re going to challenge me on this one, but politics and government [Isn't that "fourth" and fifth?] was the next to fall. You say, ‘You would think they would be the first to fall, as fallible as we are in politics,’ [What? The? Fuck? You mean it's not Satan's fault after all that??? You're a fucking lunatic, dude.] but people in political life get elected by ordinary folks from lots of places all over the country where the foundations of this country are still strong. So while we may certainly have had examples, the body politic held up fairly well up until the last couple of decades, but it is falling too.
I know what you’re thinking.
Where the hell are those tacos…
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‘Liquid of the Year’: a true Potrzebie Prize!
You’re awesome, Fearguth!— but how did you know that SATAN Magazine was exactly 2.263348517438173216473 mm thick?!? Which is of course, one standard potrzebie!
Mmmm….lengua! Pinakamasarap!
Is there an intersection between truth and reality? Or do they just run parallel on either side of the Taco Hut?
Hey Mark, my guru says they’re one and the same.
Um, either side of the taco hut; not truth and reality.