VANITY FAIL

 Posted by on June 4, 2015 at 5:33 PM
Jun 042015
 

Pigboy2“Chunklin”??  At’s right, bitches.
He’s just indulging his “feminine side.” 

BACK IN THE EARLY SEVENTIES, when a young Michael Dale Huckabee self-identified as a Hope High School “Bobcat,” he didn’t have any friends.

It wasn’t because he didn’t really feeeel like a “Bobcat,” because he totally did— when he was sixteen, he was the Hope High School student council vice president “Bobcat.”  And the year after that, he was the Hope High School student council President “Bobcat.”

What I mean is, he didn’t have any friends who were sophisticated enough to tell him that, if only he could have felt like a female “Bobcat,” then he could’ve maybe marched right into the girl Bobcat shower room, where he could’ve enjoyed his “feminine side”— by, you know, watching all the real girls undress, and ogling them while they were showering;  you know— just as a way of indulging his “feminine side.”

Take it away, Chunklin:

“Now I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE.  I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.’  You’re laughing because it sounds so ridiculous, doesn’t it?”

Yeah.  It does.  Just not in the way you think it does, Tubby.

A CNN reporter recently asked Huckabee for his reaction to Caitlyn Jenner’s Vanity Fair cover in which the former Olympic champion and self-described Republican, came out as a female.

“Not going there,” Huckabee said.  The sad truth is, he fucking already did.

May 222015
 


o-DON-DRAPER-570

Seriously?? A little more orange and you have John Boehner, right?

A Mister Tim O’Brien, not from Fort Lee, New Jersey, but president of the Society of Illustrators and the victim of a brief but supposedly clairvoyant snit-fit, says the “troubled” character of Don Draper actually went on to have a “wholesome, fulfilling life.”

Bwwaaahaaaahaaaa!

Sayeth, Timmeh: “I think Don went on to be near his children with his move back to NYC. He learned something out west; that he had people around him who loved him and I think the rest of his life was recognizing that.”

Sadly, no, Tim. Did you even watch the show??

THIS is what the “troubled” character of Don Draper will look like at 60; just forget 80.  This is what Don Draper went on to fulfill: The life of an alcoholic on the street.
OldDraper2

The “troubled” character of Don Draper, known on the street as, “Madman.”

Sayeth, Terreh: “I think Don went on to be near his drinking bros back in the hobo parks of L.A. Yes, he did learn something out west; that he had people around him there who used him, even as he used them; I think the rest of his life was spent recognizing that, hating it, and them, and eventually drowning in his addictions to alcohol and tobacco, and dying alone under a Maytag refrigerator box at age 62.”

But you’re not off the hook just yet, Timmeh.  Let’s learn a bit about cirrhosis of the liver, the disease that comes on slowly over years of heavy alcohol use.  Early on, there are often no symptoms at all, outside of, you know, the usual cognitive impairment that goes hand in hand with being a drunk.

As the disease really gets going though, you become tired, weak, itchy;  you’ll probably experience swelling in your lower legs; maybe develop an unpleasant shade of yellow skin;  you’ll find yourself bruising easily.  You’ll look in the mirror one day, and discover spider-like blood vessels all over the skin of your nose.  Worse still, you’ll have fluid build up in your abdomen;  the fluid build up may end up producing spontaneous infection.  If you’re lucky, you might avoid bleeding from your dilated esophageal veins.  And the resulting hepatic encephalopathy results in increasing confusion and eventually, unconsciousness.

So yeah, it takes more than a few drinks per day, over a number of years, for cirrhosis to occur.  But hey, that was Don.  He could hang with the best worst of them, and he almost always did.

Then there was Don’s lung cancer.  He was diagnosed at 58, after a protracted hacking fit one morning.  This was right after he realized he was broke, and had no recourse to medical care.  When it rains…  But.  Ninety percent of heavy smokers like Don inevitably find themselves with lung cancer, the most common cause of cancer-related death in men and women world-wide;  it’s responsible for more than a million and a half deaths every year.

Finally, we haven’t even looked into Draper’s more or less constant casual sexual relationships with women, and what that meant to his increasingly stunted soul.  Suffice it to say, all physical poisons greatly retard the efforts of the spirit to exalt the mortal mind.  And then there’s that big bag ‘o mental poisons— fear, anger, envy, jealousy— suspicion, hate, intolerance— these likewise tremendously interfere with the spiritual progress of the evolving mortal soul.

So NO.  Don Draper did not suddenly decide to live a “wholesome, fulfilling life.” Like so many other disillusioned, poisoned souls, he drank himself to death.

May he rest in peace.

Bye Dave.

 Posted by on May 19, 2015 at 12:06 PM
May 192015
 

DavesTopTen

SOS was a cartoon strip I wrote and illustrated late at night
during the late 80’s in Boulder, Colorado.  Good times.

 

While never really a Letterman junkie, “Late-Night” for me was usually finishing a strip while he was on, so I became a de facto regular viewer.  Oh, yeah, and Dave was brilliant.  Even so, this strip was my only homage to the many hours spent enjoying Dave’s top ten things that usually made someone squirm.

People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers,
sharing a cab.

One guy took the tires and the radio;
the other guy took the engine.

—D. Letterman

 

Reason Number 6 is a reference to George Herbert Walker Bush‘s choice for VP, J. Danforth Quayle, who never managed to shake the nation’s first impression of him as a moron  intellectual lightweight.  Of course his own buffoonery didn’t help either:

EPSON scanner image

Little Danny Quayle

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. … No, not our nation’s, but in World War II.  I mean, we all lived in this century.  I didn’t live in this century, but in this century’s history.”    And:  “I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”

And this gem, when he addressed the United Negro College Fund, whose slogan was “A mind is a terrible thing to waste,” and said, “You take the United Negro College Fund model that what a waste it is to lose one’s mind or not to have a mind, is being very wasteful. How true that is.”

 

Tim Tait?

As for Reason #4, you may remember the churlish Jean Kirkpatrick, but you’re saying “Who the eff is Tim Tait“?  I wish I could remember, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t this guy:

I’m just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

—D. Letterman

So do yourself a favor and enjoy

11 times David Letterman humiliated the right.

 

 

 

Meet The New Clowns, Same As The Old Clowns

 Posted by on May 11, 2015 at 1:50 PM
May 112015
 

A Garrulous Guide To The 2016 Republican Presidential Trainwreck 

Repug2016ClownsIt’s not so much a “clown car” anymore as it is a “clown caboose.”*  In no intentional order, on their knees:  Benjamin Solomon Carson Sr, Richard John Santorum, Christopher James Christie, Lindsey Olin Graham, Michael Dale Huckabee;  on their own two feet:  Dennis Michael Lynch, John Ellis Bush, Marco Antonio Rubio, Rafael Edward Cruz, James Richard Perry, Piyush Subhas Chandra Amrit Jindal, Charles Perry Andrews III;  On the backs of the poor:  Donald John Trump, Dale H. Christensen, Cara Carleton Sneed-Fiorina, Randal Howard Paul, and Scott Kevin Walker
If you want to smell their desperation, you must click it. 

BARNUM, IOWA —  In an unprecedented display of clownish Republican solidarity, seventeen presidential hopefuls, some declared, some undeclared, descended on the 191 souls of Barnum, Iowa, and slipped into the cozy confines of an unlocked circus cage and commenced to cavorting in psuedo-clown fashion.  I say “psuedo-clown” because, after several hours of caustic negotiations, all seventeen agreed to appear sans-clownface as a protest against, yes, Barack Obama.  I don’t even know.  So yeah;  in some freakish display of mob vanity, they even managed to hose up the clown part.

The 237 acres that are Barnum Iowa are surrounded on all four sides by growing corn.  There is a Fire Department, and across the tracks on Front Street, there is a small drinking establishment, the Front & Center Bar.  There is a U. S. Post Office.  And also too, now, there is a circus tent in the middle of the baseball field of the regional educational edifice.

Inside the GOP tent, inside the center ring, inside the wild animal cage, each candidate holds forth for a scheduled fifteen minute, up close and personal “Get To Know Me” presentation.  After a highly competitive drawing of straws, “Thirsty the Clown,” aka Marco Rubio, bounds onto the circular podium, which had previously been used only by trained seals.

After some last second hydration and careful preening of his red wig, Thirsty tells the smattering of Barnumites that he supports a flat federal tax rate, opposes the capital gains tax, (which draws chuckles from two or three), and that taxes should never, ever, ever be raised during a recession.  Staring straight into the faces of the elderly of Barnum, he says he believes the age at which a person can begin collecting Social Security benefits should be raised for those more than ten years away from retirement, because, you know, increased life expectancy.  He doesn’t get into the weeds of that notion, i.e., that family history, marital status, economic status, physique, exercise, diet, drug use, smoking, alcohol consumption, disposition, education, environment, sleep, climate, and health care— are all factors affecting life expectancy.

After the gong sounds alerting him that his time is up, Thirsty says he is strongly pro-life, opposes same-sex marriage, and that there is no. responsible. way. to use marijuana recreationally.

Then a question is shouted from the dark recesses of the bigtop:  “Why arn’t y’awl addressin’ the Jade Helm 15 crisis?”  There is a tangible shock, like a giant Taser, that zaps not only Thirsty the Clown, but all the other candidates waiting backstage.  Suddenly there’s a new, even crazier Republican litmus test for crazy.   A voice from outside the ring answers the question.

A bright spotlight follows Teddy (Cruz) the Clown into the ring as he intones, “Jade Helm 15 is supposedly just a military training exercise.  I personally have no reason to doubt that, yet— but I perfectly understand the reason for your concern and hysteria, because when the federal government has not demonstrated itself to be trustworthy— like this administration hasn’t— the natural consequence is that many of our finest citizens don’t trust what it is saying.”

Another voice calls out of the darkness, “Just a minute there Teddy, I believe I have the tent floor.”  Waving the second-shortest straw, Tubby (Huckabee) the Clown lumbers slowly towards the podium. But before he can utter a single racist word, Randy (Paul) the Clown seizes the opportunity by deftly pirouetting around Tubby’s gelatinous bulk, drawling, “Jade Helm 15 looks like an attempt by the Hillary Clinton to hand over to illegal immigrants the jobs of hard-working American citizens!”  Angry gasps erupt from two of the several Barnumites who still remain under the GOP bigtop as the rest of the candidates begin jostling each other to get a foothold on the seal platform.

And from here it got really really ugly.  Jebby started throwing elbows, angrily shouting how he would’ve invaded Iraq too, given all the false intelligence… Carly smashes an HP all-in-one printer over Blinky’s head… Pickles says he will not be bullied by the HP Corporation, or anyone else…  Lil Ricky starts handing out Bibles to all seven of the remaining spectators…  Honky, Hunky, Missy, Skippy, Zippy, Big Ricky, and Mouthy escalate a free-for-all with nerf bats and monkey poo…

So let the primaries begin!  Or not.  Sources tell US that soon it will be completely obvious that Jade Helm 15 is really a sekrit plan to ferret the entire clown caboose deep under the Livingston, Texas Walmart, supposedly closed for “renovations.”

*  Half of Americans now say the GOP is too extreme, up 7 points since November.  The percentage saying Democrats are too extreme has remained relatively steady at 39 percent.

 


Repug Clowns

 

Oh Brotherhood, Where Art Thou?

 Posted by on April 18, 2015 at 6:06 AM
Apr 182015
 

vlcsnap-283089Ulysses Everett McGill  ·  O Brother Where Art Thou?

THE FATHERHOOD OF GOD and the brotherhood of man present the paradox of the part and the whole on the level of personality.  God loves each individual as an individual child in the heavenly family.  Yet God thus loves every individual;  he is no respecter of persons, and the universality of his love brings into being a relationship of the whole, the universal brotherhood.

The love of the Father absolutely individualizes each personality as a unique child of the Universal Father, a child without duplicate in infinity, a will creature irreplaceable in all eternity.  The Father’s love glorifies each child of God, illuminating each member of the celestial family, sharply silhouetting the unique nature of each personal being against the impersonal levels that lie outside the fraternal circuit of the Father of all.  The love of God strikingly portrays the transcendent value of each will creature, unmistakably reveals the high value which the Universal Father has placed upon each and every one of his children from the highest creator personality of Paradise status to the lowest personality of will dignity among the savage tribes of men in the dawn of the human species on some evolutionary world of time and space.

This very love of God for the individual brings into being the divine family of all individuals, the universal brotherhood of the freewill children of the Paradise Father.  And this brotherhood, being universal, is a relationship of the whole.  Brotherhood, when universal, discloses not the each relationship, but the all relationship.  Brotherhood is a reality of the total and therefore discloses qualities of the whole in contradistinction to qualities of the part.

Brotherhood constitutes a fact of relationship between every personality in universal existence.  No person can escape the benefits or the penalties that may come as a result of relationship to other persons.  The part profits or suffers in measure with the whole.  The good effort of each man benefits all men;  the error or evil of each man augments the tribulation of all men.  As moves the part, so moves the whole.  As the progress of the whole, so the progress of the part.  The relative velocities of part and whole determine whether the part is retarded by the inertia of the whole or is carried forward by the momentum of the cosmic brotherhood.¹

You become conscious of man as your creature brother because you are already conscious of God as your Creator Father. Fatherhood is the relationship out of which we reason ourselves into the recognition of brotherhood.  And Fatherhood becomes, or may become, a universe reality to all moral creatures because the Father has himself bestowed personality upon all such beings and has encircuited them within the grasp of the universal personality circuit.  We worship God, first, because he is, then, because he is in us, and last, because we are in him.

Is it strange that the cosmic mind should be self-consciously aware of its own source, the infinite mind of the Infinite Spirit, and at the same time conscious of the physical reality of the far-flung universes, the spiritual reality of the Eternal Son, and the personality reality of the Universal Father?²

THE URANTIA BOOK
¹PAPER 12  THE UNIVERSE OF UNIVERSES
SECTION 7   THE PART AND THE WHOLE

²PAPER 16   THE SEVEN MASTER SPIRITS
SECTION 9  REALITY OF HUMAN CONSCIOUSNESS

THE LOVE NEED

 Posted by on April 11, 2015 at 6:06 AM
Apr 112015
 

Alex Grey • Praying3

Praying 3  Alex Grey

DO NOT BECOME DISCOURAGED by the discovery that you are human.  

Human nature may tend toward evil, but it is not inherently sinful.
Be not downcast by your failure wholly to forget some of your regrettable experiences.  The mistakes which you fail to forget in time will be forgotten in eternity.  Lighten your burdens of soul by speedily acquiring a long-distance view of your destiny, a universe expansion of your career.

Make not the mistake of estimating the soul’s worth by the imperfections of the mind or by the appetites of the body.  Judge not the soul nor evaluate its destiny by the standard of a single unfortunate human episode.  Your spiritual destiny is conditioned only by your spiritual longings and purposes.

Religion is the exclusively spiritual experience of the evolving immortal soul of the God-knowing man, but moral power and spiritual energy are mighty forces which may be utilized in dealing with difficult social situations and in solving intricate economic problems.  These moral and spiritual endowments make all levels of human living richer and more meaningful.

You are destined to live a narrow and mean life if you learn to love only those who love you.  Human love may indeed be reciprocal, but divine love is outgoing in all its satisfaction-seeking.  The less of love in any creature’s nature, the greater the love need, and the more does divine love seek to satisfy such need.  Love is never self-seeking, and it cannot be self-bestowed.  Divine love cannot be self-contained; it must be unselfishly bestowed.
                                                   —Jesus

THE URANTIA BOOK
PAPER 156:   THE SOJOURN AT TYRE AND SIDON
SECTION 5:  JESUS’ TEACHING AT TYRE

The Blind Leading The Blind

 Posted by on April 5, 2015 at 9:41 AM
Apr 052015
 

Sam Harris Is BlindUnbelieving Materialist Poster boy,  Sam Harris

“TO THE UNBELIEVING MATERIALIST, man is simply an evolutionary accident.  His hopes of survival are strung on a figment of mortal imagination;  his fears, loves, longings, and beliefs are but the reaction of the incidental juxtaposition of certain lifeless atoms of matter.
No display of energy nor expression of trust can carry him beyond the grave.  The devotional labors and inspirational genius of the best of men are doomed to be extinguished by death;  the long and lonely night of eternal oblivion and soul extinction. 

Nameless despair is man’s only reward for living and toiling under the temporal sun of mortal existence. 

“Each day of life slowly and surely tightens the grasp of a pitiless doom which a hostile and relentless universe of matter has decreed shall be the crowning insult to everything in human desire which is beautiful, noble, lofty, and good.

“But such is not man’s end and eternal destiny;  such a vision is but the cry of despair uttered by some wandering soul who has become lost in spiritual darkness, and who bravely struggles on in the face of the mechanistic sophistries of a material philosophy, blinded by the confusion and distortion of a complex learning.  And all this doom of darkness and all this destiny of despair are forever dispelled by one brave stretch of faith on the part of the most humble and unlearned of God’s children on earth.

“This saving faith has its birth in the human heart when the moral consciousness of man realizes that human values may be translated in mortal experience from the material to the spiritual, from the human to the divine, from time to eternity.”¹

This Easter, may the unbelieving materialists raise the bar;  may they take a moment to unpack the “mechanistic sophistries of a material philosophy,” and truly reflect on just what a “destiny of despair” does to their psych.  It takes far more courage to embrace that “one brave stretch of faith” and discover eternal life, than it does to accept the hopelessness and despair of “eternal oblivion.”  Go for it.

¹  From Paper 102, THE FOUNDATIONS OF RELIGIOUS FAITH, THE URANTIA BOOK