Jul 212015


Bob LangursonBob” Langurson is the latest sorta biped creature to declare for the Republican nomination.

SAN DIEGO — Not intimidated by an already crowded field and hugely daunting odds, Eugene “Bob” Langurson  announced Monday, at the Primate Pavilion at the San Diego Zoo, that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election.

Langurson, a self-described “mongrel,” laughs out loud when asked about his “genetic background.”  “That’s funny to me, you know, because I like never see or hear any of you press guys asking that Trump character about his background.  Langurson is quick to add, “Despite my name, I’m not related to the ‘Langur monkeys.’  Next to humans, the Macaque family, from which I derive, are like, the most widespread primate genus, ranging from Japan to Afghanistan.”

Taking a leisurely moment to scratch himself, he eventually continues: “You’re no doubt aware that several species of macaques have been used extensively in animal testing, particularly in the neurosciences.  My mother was a neuroscientist, and well, that’s how she met my father.”  Langurson, reacting to a few titters from the crowd of reporters, says, “I know what you’re thinking, because you’re typical human beings;  always in the gutter.  But I’ll be releasing my birth certificate, along with a one hour video which details the completely ethical way in which I was created.”

When asked about his chances of getting anywhere near the other candidates on a debate stage, Langurson said “Call me Bob.  Listen.  I’ll admit that it’s going to be an uphill battle.  And I know that many in my own party will automatically dismiss me because they think I look like a monkey;  but I— hey— is that fruit?  I lovvvve fruit;  gimme gimme…”


Birthplace: Wang Male Scholar Neuroscience Labs

Heritage: Part black crested macaque monkey, part lab partner experiment

Personal Beliefs: Fruit rules.

Languages:  English, Macaquenese

Biggest Obstacle To GOP Nomination:  Almost everything

Greatest Accomplishment: Learned to wear a suit and tie

Favorite Band:  Nuclear Baboons

Favorite T-shirt Slogan:  “I tried to be normal once; worst two minutes of my life.”

Most Similar Political Rival: Donald Trump



Three Things To Remember About JEBOOsh

 Posted by on July 14, 2015 at 9:57 AM
Jul 142015

Fool Me Bush

If you really want to feel the BOOsh, you must click it.


It’s pretty simple, really; if you don’t remember how the pit of your stomach felt when George H W. Bush, and George W. Bush won their respective nominations and subsequent elections, then maybe you haven’t actually discovered the “pit” in your stomach. It’s an ill-defined region of the lower abdomen, regarded as the visceral repository of strong feelings, especially anxiety.

I know I have one, because whenever I see a political poll showing Jeb Bush leading that ever-proliferating pack of Republican tools, it immediately regurgitates a loop of his little brother, struggling to get through that simple aphorism, and I get the queasies bad.

I realize the head of Trump Entertainment Resorts will continue to blow up the Republican primary process until we are all nauseated. But eventually, one of those clowns will manage to wade through their political slime-fest and onto the convention floor, to accept the nomination.

Although it seems like that event is a long way off, already there have been one or two nanoseconds when the pit of my stomach reminds me— it could happen again— and sends my imagination spinning wild into a future where stupefying things happen: another Bush is handed the presidency by the Supreme Court; more young Americans dying in four, maybe eight more years of senseless oil wars; all manner of social and cultural backwardness, including the complete destruction of the “middle” class; and the depths of political despair. By God. We can’t let that happen. We can’t get fooled again.


 Posted by on July 11, 2015 at 9:04 AM
Jul 112015

BLOW Trump FISHBLOWFISH Megazine always features a human blowfish on the cover.

It’s a thing I do; subscribe to weird magazines.  BLOWFISH has been publishing for a few years now, but wasn’t one of my favorites until this issue.  Like a lot of Democrats and Independents, I like my blowfish with a nice caper tartar sauce.  And like an increasing number of Republicans, I loath the two-legged variety that wears silk ties made in China.

When I was a kid “summering” in the torpid backwaters of the Illinois River, my best friend Philip and I would spend countless hours fishing from my dad’s homemade green fishing boat.  Various species of fish populated the sloughs and shores where we fished, but the blowfish, being a saltwater creature, was not among them.  Maybe the “crappie” (say: “crappy”) could be considered the freshwater equivalent.  Truth is, I never heard of blowfish until I joined the Navy;  the Navy was full of blowfish.  But shit, that’s another story.

When you say blowfish, most people think of the poisonous pufferfish, or Fugu.  It’s a big family, and the members are variously called pufferfish, puffers, balloonfish, blowfish, bubblefish, bloatfish, bloaters, globefish, swellfish, toadfish, toadies, honey toads, sugar toads, and what the hell is that??   And now, you can add Trumpfish to the list.  

In the BLOWFISH interview, Donald If His Lips Are Moving He’s Lying Trump didn’t really cover any new ground, just the usual scorched earth bravado of recent weeks liberally peppered with the phrase, “I’m tremendously wealthy.”  But what was interesting was how transparently stupid he sounds when he, you know, talks; even in writing.

Blowfish bellies are covered with small, short spines, not unlike the soft underbellies of politicians.  The spines make it tough to penetrate their vulnerable underbellies, making their gut more or less impervious to the world around them.  A lot of critics look at Trump and just see a mouthy, out-of-touch troglodyte, pushing his brand into our national political debate, as if it were just another marketing opportunity.  Yeah, there’s that.  But there’s an increasing number of Democrats who see his “campaign” as a gift-blowfish;  a surefire victory for anyone the Democrats will nominate to run against whomever emerges from the Republican Clown Car.


 Posted by on July 5, 2015 at 1:13 PM
Jul 052015

Donald Trump Luvs Him Some ImmigrantsLemme tell yooz something okay— you see those Mexican guys behind me, the non-rapist, non-criminal type Mexicans, playin’ there in my tremendous yard?  I have assured the non-rapist and noncriminal Mexicans, the good ones,I assume, that I love them and their country, and their smart leaders who are smarter than our leaders!  Look, I am tremendously wealthy,tree-mennn-dously wealthy— and trust me,I can afford to love everyone of them if I wanted to, but let me say this: instead, they are sending us their criminals, their rapists, their murderers, their tacos, their tortillas, and you know, many many other types of their food I don’t care to pronounce. There could be anywhere from 11 million to 34 million, nobody knows;  nobody knows.  And you know I’m right, they know I’m right, everybody knows I’m right, including the LGPA, the PGA, the USGA, the LMOP, the QRST, everybody! 

“In response to Mr. Trump’s comments about the golf industry ‘knowing he is right’ in regards to his recent statements about Mexican immigrants, we feel compelled to clarify that those remarks do not reflect the views of our organizations. While the LPGA, PGA of America, PGA Tour and USGA don’t usually comment on Presidential politics, Mr. Trump’s comments are inconsistent with our strong commitment to an inclusive and welcoming environment in the game of golf, to anyone who can afford it.” —LPGA


 Posted by on July 2, 2015 at 12:04 PM
Jul 022015

Uncle Bernie
That’s right Uncle Bernie, KICK THEIR BUTTS.  “Their” being all those Americans who sit on their butts and don’t vote in elections.  “Their” being those Americans who aren’t even registered to vote.  “Their” being all Americans who think Politics in this country is broken beyond repair.

If you happen to own one of those butts mentioned above, or are just a less than enthusiastic voter when it comes to the 2016 presidential elections, because, well, you’re too busy— here’s a news flash for you— and try to imagine it being delivered with a swift kick to your buttocks:  The new base of the Democratic party is unmarried women, people of color, and young voters— the Rising American Electorate (RAE)— and they already represent a majority of voting-eligible citizens.

And that’s totally meaningless when the majority of them don’t actually vote.  Yes, they flexed their new-found electoral muscles to elect the first black president, and then blew off the 2010 midterm elections, because:

•  2.7% could not find their polling place
•  3.9% forgot to vote
•  5.5% experienced a registration issue
•  8.6% were out of town
•  10.0% were punishing their own party
 10.2% don’t know what “elections” are
 11.8% said they were just plain indolent   
•  12.7% did not like the candidates or campaign issues
•  15.7% reported not being interested
•  18.9% were too busy

(Black and Red stats are real;  Purple stats are my best snarky guess. )

Non-voters are disproportionately young, single, less educated, and more likely to be of an ethnic minority than those who say they are infrequent voters, and those who are frequent voters.  Forty percent of nonvoters are under thirty years old, compared to 29% of infrequent voters and 14% of frequent voters.  Compared to 60% of infrequent voters, and 70% of frequent voters, 54% of nonvoters are Caucasian.

The perception that politics are controlled by special interests represents a significant excuse for lack of voter participation.  In recent surveys, a feeling that candidates “don’t really speak to them” was cited as a leading reason why infrequent voters and nonvoters justify not voting.

The kids are turned off from politics, they say.
Most of ’em don’t even want to hear about it.
All they want to do these days is lie around on waterbeds
and smoke that goddamn marrywanna … yeah, and just
between you and me Fred, that’s probably all for the best.
Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72

And then there are voices (well, at least one voice) that says, yawn.. it’s Obama‘s fault, and it’s been his fault all along.  “Nothing better dramatizes the damage that President Obama has done to Democrats than the fact that Republicans now control the House of Representatives, the Senate, and a majority of governorships across America.  Obama’s political style depresses liberal Democratic voters, who then would not turn out on Election Day, while inflaming conservative Republican voters, who would turn out,” blah, blah, blah.

Public opinion, the mores— is the basic energy in social evolution and state development.  And when that energy is manifested through universal suffrage in the hands of uneducated and indolent majorities, we get the likes of George W. Bush;  Louie Gohmert;  Michele Bachmann;  Sarah Palin;  the current GOP Clown Car.

Representative government presupposes an intelligent, efficient, and universal electorate.  The character of government is always determined by the character of those who compose it.  As civilization progresses, suffrage needs to be effectively modified.  Every free and intelligent group of citizens represents a vital and functioning organ within the larger governmental organism.

Unless a free people are educated— taught to think intelligently and plan wisely— freedom usually does more harm than good.  When fifty percent of any nation’s people become brainwashed, uneducated, intellectually challenged buffoons, and possesses the ballot— that nation is doomed.  The dominance of mediocrity will spell the downfall of any nation.

[NOTE TO BERNIE]  Bernie, when you make it to the White House, and after you’ve solved all the really intractable problems facing America and the World, make sure voting is compulsory, and make it easy to do so.  And if they don’t vote, say because they think they’re too busy, not interested, don’t give a shit, then assess heavy fines against all who fail to cast their ballots.

The survival of democracy is dependent on successful representative government; and that is conditioned upon the practice of electing only those who are technically trained, intellectually competent, socially loyal, and morally fit.  Only by such provisions can government of the people, by the people, and for the people be preserved.

Run, Barack! Run!

 Posted by on June 30, 2015 at 11:12 PM
Jun 302015

Gump ObamaHe will run away from that white house as fast as he can on January 20th, 2017.

Barack Obama: Great president?
Or greatest president. . .

The Transcendent Goal Of Time

 Posted by on June 29, 2015 at 9:15 AM
Jun 292015



Mortal identity is a transient time-life condition in the universe; it is real only in so far as the personality elects to become a continuing universe phenomenon.
The Urantia Book



THE TRANSCENDENT GOAL OF THE CHILDREN OF TIMEus— is to find the eternal God, to comprehend the divine nature;  to recognize the Universal Father.  God-knowing creatures have just one supreme ambition, just one consuming desire:  to become, as we are in our spheres, like him as he is in his Paradise perfection of personality and in his universal sphere of righteous supremacy.

From the Universal Father who inhabits eternity there has gone forth this supreme mandate:  “Be you perfect, even as I am perfect.”
In love and mercy, the various messengers of Paradise have carried this divine exhortation down through the ages and out through the universes, even to us, the lowly animal-origin creatures that compose the human races of our world, Urantia.

This magnificent and universal injunction to strive for the attainment of the perfection of divinity is the first duty, and should be the highest ambition, of every personality in all the vast struggling creature creation of the God of perfection.  The possibility of the attainment of divine perfection then, is the final, and certain, destiny of all our eternal spiritual progress.

We recommend a thorough study of the most recent presentation of truth to the mortals of Urantia, The Urantia Book.  While not everyone will find they are ready for revelation on such an unprecedented scale, those who are will find their lives so redirected, their cosmologies so expanded, their souls so enriched, that it will literally remake you as a child of time and space in an infinite universe.

The goal of eternity is ahead!
The adventure of divinity attainment lies before you!
The race for perfection is on!
Whosoever will may enter, and certain victory will crown the efforts of every human being who will run the race of faith and trust, depending every step of the way on the leading of the indwelling Adjuster and on the guidance of that good spirit of the Universe Son, which so freely has been poured out upon all flesh.
  —The Urantia Book

Don’t waste another day;  start now.