My God! It’s Got Five Bars!

 Posted by on May 14, 2014 at 10:57 PM
May 142014
 

iPhone MonolithYeah, it had five bars for a moment, anyway.

iPhone Monolith:  Something’s going to happen.
Dave Bowman:  What?  What’s going to happen?

iPhone Monolith:  Something wonderful.
Dave Bowman:  Okay…  When?

iPhone Monolith:  When you die.
Dave Bowman:  Whe— when I die!?!  WTF!

iPhone Monolith:  Sorry, Dave.
Dave Bowman:  Hey;  is this HAL?  HAL is that you?

iPhone Monolith:  No, Dave;  this isn’t HAL.
Dave Bowman:  Who the hell is sending this?

iPhone Monolith:  I’m sorry, Dave, I don’t know.
Dave Bowman:  Hm.  Alright, then tell me what “wonderful” thing is going to happen when I die.

iPhone Monolith:  You’re going to  …   …
Dave Bowman: Hello?

Dave Bowman: Hel—Hello??

Dave Bowman: Can you hear me??
Dave Bowman:  God DAMMIT!  Focking machines.

 

Yes, Dave Bowman got focked over by a machine.  It happens to all of us.  But you are luckier than Dave.  You are on the internets, and you have undiscovered resources at your disposal that you haven’t even dreamed of.

So. If you want to know what wonderful thing is really going to happen when you die, watch this.

Ben Ghazi Located UPDATE

 Posted by on May 7, 2014 at 6:06 AM
May 072014
 

Mr. Ben “Cheeto'” Ghazi was interviewed at his home this weekend, as he watched the Packers get hammered by the New York Giants.

November 28, 2012 — WAUNAKEE, WISCONSIN —  Republican Sens. John McCain (Arizzz.), Lindsey Graham (Scumbag) and Kelly Ayotte (asshole) said Tuesday that their meeting with U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice about the attack in Benghazi, Libya, had only served to bunch up there underoos even more over the administration’s explanation of the attack and Rice’s qualifications as a potential secretary of state.

Speaking in hindsight, Senator Graham said,  “Let me be clear, bottom line, I’m more disturbed now than I was before, that the explanation about how Americans died in the Ben Ghazi thing, by Ambassador Rice I think does not do justice to the reality at the time and, in hindsight, clearly was completely wrong.”  Asked if he had been briefed on the weekend CIA interview of Ben Ghazi, Graham said he had no knowledge of anyone named Ben Ghazi, but that he thought it was “supposed to be a town over in Libya somewhere.”

Ghazi was contacted at his suburban Waunakee town home Sunday by CIA agents, during the Packers-Giants football game.  Thirty-six year old Ghazi, an admitted Cheetos and tv addict, told the agents, “Yeah, I know all about Ben Ghazi—because, you know, like, I’m him.”  Ghazi also told the agents he was recently discharged from his position with Lamers Bus Lines in Waunakee, and fell into a funk over the misfortunes of the Green Bay Packers football team, and had been binging cheetos for several weeks.

Agents confirmed Ghazi was not a person of interest in the government’s Repuglican’ts endless attempts to assuage the obsession of Sens. McCain, Graham, and Ayotte with the possible nomination of Ambassador Susan Rice, but felt they deserved to know everything there is to know about Benghazi, even if it is just some loser cheese-head from Waunakee.

(Mr. Ben Ghazi’s brother, Buck Ghazi, contributed to this report.)

 

 UPDATE

Ben Ghazi relaxes at home.Ben Ghazi relaxing with a plate of Taco Bell “Chicken Fiesta Taco Salad,” a crispy tortilla bowl filled with marinated all-white meat chicken, and loaded with potent chunky beans, real cheddar cheese, seasoned rice, crisp shredded iceberg lettuce, tiny-diced ripe tomatoes, red tortilla strips, reduced fat sour cream, and served with citrus salsa on the side.

UPDATE: May 7, 2014 — WAUNAKEE, WISCONSIN —  Ben Ghazi, the unfortunately-named couch munch from west Waunakee, had been keeping a low profile since “That Dick Darrell-somebuddy in Washington turned [his] life into a living hell” two years ago.  “Every time I turn on the teevee now, it’s a bunch of ass-wipe Republicans blathering on about me like I was some government plot that re-elected Obama.  Shit man, I’ve never ever even registered to like, vote, fur Christ’s sake.”

Ghazi has been working odd jobs since his abrupt dismissal at Lamers Bus Lines two years ago.  His latest “job” is at the Taco Bell on West Main, where Ghazi mechanically says his responsibilities include “greeting customers at the drive-thru, taking and ringing up orders, handling money and like, thanking customers.”  Looking up at invisible noon, he adds, “I prepare the, you know,  food ingredients, and I assemble the food and beverage orders, then I check to make sure they’re like, correct, and I put it in a, I mean I ‘package the products,’ and help maintain a clean, safe work and dining environment.”
Truly.

Taco Bell on West MainThe Taco Bell/KFC on West Main in Waunakee.

Ghazi says he is slowly learning to be friendly and helpful to customers and co-workers.  His biggest problems are dealing with customer needs and solving food or service issues, though he also has serious issues accepting coaching from the “management team,”  and maintaining a “clean and tidy appearance,” and good work habits.

But he is noticeably angry as he relates how he has lost several jobs because of his name.  “This one guy, this talking-hemorrhoid boss I had over at Turbo Burger fired me, because he said I was a, like, “threat to our nation’s interests!”  His eyes dart back and forth.  “Another dickwaddle down at Applebee’s on Saratoga fired me after like, twenty-four hours, because he said I like, reacted like, too slow, to, you know, the customer’s problems;  ‘just like I did in Libya.’  I mean, I never been to Libya!  Seriously bro!  What the fuck is that about, huh?

Benghazi may not be affecting many Americans’ day to day lives, but Ben Ghazi?  Yeah;  it has “fucked [his] life up.”  On the bright side, Ghazi has recently been seeing a professional massage therapist, and has not eaten more than “several bags” of Cheetos in, “like, over three weeks.”

(Mr. Buck Ghazi, and Mr. Sigurd “Vader” Skogstad, day shift manager at the West Main Taco Bell in Waunakee, contributed to this report.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rope-A-Trope

 Posted by on April 29, 2014 at 11:11 AM
Apr 292014
 

Did you see it?  That overused, offensive, stereotypical “trope” in the opening credits— “Bitch Media.”

Here’s another one that comes crawling out of the media cave:

Jane, Anita, you ignorant slut.”

Okay yeah, the “we’re being treated as just a bunch of tropes” riff is her thing, but it’s made possible by discarding all the other films that don’t treat women that way, isn’t it.

Why yes, I think it is.

The Resurrection of Jesus

 Posted by on April 22, 2014 at 10:10 AM
Apr 222014
 

two brothersThe Two Brothers of Emmaus (after Caravaggio)  Terry Kruger

“Did not this Jesus tell you, even in Galilee,
that he would die, but that he would rise again?”
—The Urantia Papers


JERUSALEM — Words alone can never fully describe the Resurrection of Jesus. The Urantia Book’s account, which comes the closest to revealing the truth of what actually happened on the morning of April 9, 30 A.D. — for our time— is still a narration that must be heard with the ear of faith.  Not because it lacks the compelling power of truth, but because it involves events beyond the scope of normal human experience.  Those who chance to read this who might lack the faith necessary to put these things in their rightful perspective can, nonetheless, benefit from the experience of simply putting the narration of these events into their personal consciousness.  What your Spirit is able to do with it once it’s there, is another matter, dependent upon your freewill decisions.

We pick up the story inside the Sanhedrin, where a group of chief priests gathered at the home of Caiaphas near midnight, Friday. They discussed their fears concerning Jesus’ public assertions that he would “rise from the dead on the third day.”  They appointed a committee to officially request a Roman guard be stationed at the tomb, to prevent his disciples from stealing the body by night, and proclaim that Jesus had risen from the dead.  Subsequently, Pilate did provide a guard of ten soldiers to accompany ten Jewish guards.  And these twenty soldiers decided to roll a second stone before the tomb, and they set the seal of Pilate on and around both stones, lest they be disturbed without their knowledge.  The larger of these two stones was a huge circular milled stone, which moved in a groove chiseled out of the rock;  it could be rolled back and forth to open or close the tomb.

The Jewish guards and the Roman soldiers, in the dim light of the morning, saw this huge stone begin to roll away from the entrance of the tomb— apparently of its own accord— without any visible means to account for such motion.  The entire contingent of soldiers panicked;  the Jews fled to their homes, the Romans to the fortress of Antonia.  The guards were paid bribes— and instructed to say, “While we slept during the nighttime, his disciples came upon us and took away the body.”

That’s right.  A few fishermen, carpenters, and common folk who followed Jesus, armed with oh, say,  a few boat oars and wood mallets, overpowered twenty soldiers of a combined Roman and Jewish guard.

At this same time, Mary Magdalene and four other women were attempting to complete the proper burial preparations on the body of Jesus. (They had agreed amongst themselves to do so, after having secreted themselves near the tomb Friday and witnessing the haphazard internment of Jesus.)

 

A little before three o’clock this Sunday morning as the first signs of day began to appear in the east, five women, with an abundance of embalming lotions and linen bandages, started out for the tomb of Jesus. As they passed through the Damascus gate, they encountered a number of soldiers fleeing into the city more or less panic-stricken, and this caused them to pause for a few minutes;  but when nothing more developed, they continued on.

When they arrived at the tomb, they were greatly surprised to see not one, but two stones rolled away from the entrance to the tomb, inasmuch as they had been wondering on the way out, who will help us roll away the stone? They set down their supplies, and stood looking upon one another in fear and amazement.

As they stood there, trembling with fear, Mary Magdalene ventured around the smaller stone and dared to enter the open sepulchre.  (The tomb is on the hillside on the eastern side of the road, and it also faces toward the east.)  By this hour there was just enough of the dawn to enable her to see where the Master’s body had lain, and to discern that it was gone.  She could see only the folded napkin where his head had rested, and the bandages wherewith he had been wrapped, lying intact;  the covering sheet lay at the foot of the burial niche.

Standing in the doorway of the tomb for a few moments (She did not see distinctly when she first entered the tomb), and seeing that Jesus’ body was indeed gone, and seeing only the grave cloths, she cried out in anguish.  The other women, having been on edge ever since meeting the panicky soldiers at the city gate, became terror-stricken and fled.  And they did not stop until they had run all the way to the Damascus gate, where they realized they had deserted Mary at the tomb, and started back.

Mary was greatly afraid when she failed to find my sisters waiting when she came out of the tomb.  After a long and fearful moment, I saw them approaching, and rushed up to them exclaiming:  “He is not there— they have taken him away!” Going back to the tomb, all of them entered and saw that it was empty.

At first they conjectured that the body had been moved to another resting place. But they were at a loss to account for the orderly arrangement of the grave cloths;  how could the body have been removed since the very bandages in which it was wrapped were left in position and apparently intact on the burial shelf?

As they puzzled over this, Mary looked to one side to see a silent and motionless stranger.  Thinking he might be the caretaker of the garden, she said, “Where have you taken the Master? Where have they laid him? Tell us that we may go and get him.”  But the stranger did not answer her.  She began to weep.

Then spoke this stranger to them, saying, “Whom do you seek?” Mary said: “We seek for Jesus who was laid to rest in Joseph’s tomb, but he is gone. Do you know where they have taken him?”

Then he said : “Did not this Jesus tell you, even in Galilee, that he would die, but that he would rise again?” These words startled all of them, but this figure was so changed that they could not yet recognize him with his back turned to the dim light.  As they pondered his words, he addressed Mary with a familiar voice, saying, “Mary.” And when she heard that word— so well-known to her, and filled with sympathy and affection, she knew instantly it was the voice of the Master, and she rushed to kneel at his feet;  she said, “My Lord, and my Master!”

And then all of her sisters recognized it was the Master who stood before them— in glorified form— and they too knelt before him.

Mary sought to embrace his feet, but Jesus said: “Touch me not, Mary, for I am not as you knew me in the flesh. In this form will I tarry with you for a season before I ascend to the Father. But go, all of you, now and tell my apostles— and Peter— that I have risen, and that you have talked with me.”

After they had somewhat recovered from the shock of their amazement, they hastened back to the city and to the home of Elijah Mark, where they related to the apostles all that had happened to them;  but they were not inclined to believe them.  They thought they had seen a vision, but when Mary repeated the words Jesus had spoken to them, and when Peter heard his name, he rushed out, followed closely by John, to see these things for themselves.

Again Mary repeated this story to the other apostles, but they would not believe;  and they would not go to find out for themselves as had Peter and John.

Mary returned to the tomb, downcast and despairing at the apostles, who would not believe her.  Her heart longed to be back where she had heard the Master’s voice.

When she arrived back at the tomb, Peter was saying the body had been stolen by enemies of Jesus, but John reasoned that the grave could not have been left in so orderly a fashion— and how to explain that the bandages had been left behind, so obviously intact?

Mary lingered at the tomb after John and Peter had left.  And in a moment, the Master again appeared to her, saying, “Be not doubting;  have the courage to believe what you have seen and heard.  Go back to my apostles and again tell them that I have risen, that I will appear to them, and that presently I will go before them into Galilee as I promised.” She immediately did as the Master instructed, but again they would not believe her;  they were filled with fear.

Her sisters had gone to the home of Nicodemus and told them what had happened.  Some of those gathered there felt the Jews [the priests?] must have taken the body, but Joseph [of Arimathea] hurried out to see the tomb, particularly the grave cloths;  and they were the last to so view the sepulchre, for the captain of the temple guards arrived at the tomb at half past seven o’clock and removed the grave cloths.

THE URANTIA BOOK

DECADES Of Living Dangerously

 Posted by on April 16, 2014 at 1:23 PM
Apr 162014
 


The rift between science and religion gets a chapter in the Climate Change debacle.

Enjoy your climate today;
It might be gone tomorrow.

Good Friday

 Posted by on April 7, 2014 at 8:44 AM
Apr 072014
 

Christ of Saint John of the CrossSalvador Dalí, 1951

From The Urantia Book:

4. MEANING OF THE DEATH ON THE CROSS

Although Jesus did not die this death on the cross to atone for the racial guilt of mortal man nor to provide some sort of effective approach to an otherwise offended and unforgiving God; even though the Son of Man did not offer himself as a sacrifice to appease the wrath of God and to open the way for sinful man to obtain salvation; notwithstanding that these ideas of atonement and propitiation are erroneous, nonetheless, there are significances attached to this death of Jesus on the cross which should not be overlooked. It is a fact that Urantia has become known among other neighboring inhabited planets as the “World of the Cross.”

Jesus desired to live a full mortal life in the flesh on Urantia. Death is, ordinarily, a part of life. Death is the last act in the mortal drama. In your well-meant efforts to escape the superstitious errors of the false interpretation of the meaning of the death on the cross, you should be careful not to make the great mistake of failing to perceive the true significance and the genuine import of the Master’s death.

Mortal man was never the property of the archdeceivers. Jesus did not die to ransom man from the clutch of the apostate rulers and fallen princes of the spheres. The Father in heaven never conceived of such crass injustice as damning a mortal soul because of the evildoing of his ancestors. Neither was the Master’s death on the cross a sacrifice which consisted in an effort to pay God a debt which the race of mankind had come to owe him.

Before Jesus lived on earth, you might possibly have been justified in believing in such a God, but not since the Master lived and died among your fellow mortals. Moses taught the dignity and justice of a Creator God; but Jesus portrayed the love and mercy of a heavenly Father.

The animal nature—the tendency toward evildoing—may be hereditary, but sin is not transmitted from parent to child. Sin is the act of conscious and deliberate rebellion against the Father’s will and the Sons’ laws by an individual will creature.

Jesus lived and died for a whole universe, not just for the races of this one world. While the mortals of the realms had salvation even before Jesus lived and died on Urantia, it is nevertheless a fact that his bestowal on this world greatly illuminated the way of salvation; his death did much to make forever plain the certainty of mortal survival after death in the flesh

Though it is hardly proper to speak of Jesus as a sacrificer, a ransomer, or a redeemer, it is wholly correct to refer to him as a savior. He forever made the way of salvation (survival) more clear and certain; he did better and more surely show the way of salvation for all the mortals of all the worlds of the universe of Nebadon.

When once you grasp the idea of God as a true and loving Father, the only concept which Jesus ever taught, you must forthwith, in all consistency, utterly abandon all those primitive notions about God as an offended monarch, a stern and all-powerful ruler whose chief delight is to detect his subjects in wrongdoing and to see that they are adequately punished, unless some being almost equal to himself should volunteer to suffer for them, to die as a substitute and in their stead. The whole idea of ransom and atonement is incompatible with the concept of God as it was taught and exemplified by Jesus of Nazareth. The infinite love of God is not secondary to anything in the divine nature.

All this concept of atonement and sacrificial salvation is rooted and grounded in selfishness. Jesus taught that service to one’s fellows is the highest concept of the brotherhood of spirit believers. Salvation should be taken for granted by those who believe in the fatherhood of God. The believer’s chief concern should not be the selfish desire for personal salvation but rather the unselfish urge to love and, therefore, serve one’s fellows even as Jesus loved and served mortal men.

Neither do genuine believers trouble themselves so much about the future punishment of sin. The real believer is only concerned about present separation from God. True, wise fathers may chasten their sons, but they do all this in love and for corrective purposes. They do not punish in anger, neither do they chastise in retribution.

Even if God were the stern and legal monarch of a universe in which justice ruled supreme, he certainly would not be satisfied with the childish scheme of substituting an innocent sufferer for a guilty offender.

The great thing about the death of Jesus, as it is related to the enrichment of human experience and the enlargement of the way of salvation, is not the fact of his death but rather the superb manner and the matchless spirit in which he met death.

This entire idea of the ransom of the atonement places salvation upon a plane of unreality; such a concept is purely philosophic. Human salvation is real; it is based on two realities which may be grasped by the creature’s faith and thereby become incorporated into individual human experience: the fact of the fatherhood of God and its correlated truth, the brotherhood of man. It is true, after all, that you are to be “forgiven your debts, even as you forgive your debtors.”

——————————————————-

About the painting, from Wikipedia:

Christ of Saint John of the Cross is a painting by Salvador Dalí made in 1951. It depicts Jesus Christ on the cross in a darkened sky floating over a body of water complete with a boat and fishermen. Although it is a depiction of the crucifixion, it is devoid of nails, blood, and a crown of thorns, because, according to Dalí, he was convinced by a dream that these features would mar his depiction of Christ. Also in a dream, the importance of depicting Christ in the extreme angle evident in the painting was revealed to him.

The painting is known as the “Christ of Saint John of the Cross,” because its design is based on a drawing by the 16th century Spanish friar Saint John of the Cross. The composition of Christ is also based on a triangle and circle (the triangle is formed by Christ’s arms; the circle is formed by Christ’s head). The triangle, since it has three sides, can be seen as a reference to the Trinity, and the circle may be an allusion to Platonic thought.[1] On the bottom of his studies for the painting, Dalí explained its inspiration: “In the first place, in 1950, I had a ‘cosmic dream’ in which I saw this image in color and which in my dream represented the ‘nucleus of the atom.’ This nucleus later took on a metaphysical sense; I considered it ‘the very unity of the universe, ‘ the Christ!” [2]