The HELL You Say. . .

The Hell You Say

No, there is no “hell.”


Well wait.

There are all those thousands of supposedly rational people who still believe that the all-loving, all-merciful, all-knowing God they profess belief in, maintains a gigantic universal “Lake of Fire,” at enormous expense, too, and probably available on the heavenly Celestial Cable base package under “entertainment,” which has endless close-ups of flesh melting off bodies, with a roar of continuous agonizing screams.  Yeah, boring.

On second thought, that would be a living hell.  You know, one of their own making.  But there is no material place called Hell.

Mm, okay, there is the brain-box of Rush Limbaugh’s enormous head, that’s gotta be pretty close to a living hell, but he’s also gotta be really close to death, too. . . let’s just say there’s no eternal material place called hell.

Shit.  Yeah, you’re right, there’s the idea of hell too, and that’s probably the most vivid and powerful form of hell that there is, really;  and you might be surprised to learn that it isn’t kept alive by just the fundie-mentalists either.  There are many weak-minded atheist trolls who, while claiming to know there is no hell (good so far) still insist on helping to keep the idea of hell alive by continually bringing it up whenever and wherever they can, in an effort to prove— get this— how dumb fundamentalists are.  The irony— it burns all the way to the center of the earth.

Hmm.  Well yeah dammit, the center of the earth must be a lot like the childish ideas of hell, too.  So if you could actually get there without having to become a resident, maybe like, just get a visa to have a look around, in a totally fire-proof suit.  I mean if you’re going to imagine an insane place like hell to begin with, it might be instructive to speculate on just how insane an imaginary hell is.†

Which raises the question, are people chained up?  Does their charred crispy flesh get rejuvenated every hour or something, so they can feel the pain all over again?  Whoa, are there even hours??  What good is torturing punishing fleshbots if they aren’t conscious of the passage of every last freaking second they’ve been burning to a cinder?

Do they eat, or sleep?  Are there restaurants?  I knew a place called Hell’s Half Acre, over near the White Castle on Cook Street;  they had some seriously incendiary chili;  makes my face sweat just thinking about it.  But yeah, this is stupid.  Of course it would just be about pain and suffering, right?  Because. . .  INFINITE MERCY!

Okay, to be fair, if there’s infinite mercy, there’s also infinite wisdom.  Infinite wisdom then, must be the eternal arbiter which determines the proportions of justice and mercy, which would be meted out in any given circumstance.  So the greatest punishment for deliberate rebellion against the government of God would be your loss of existence as an individual subject of that government;  in the last analysis, it’s clear such individuals have actually destroyed themselves— by becoming wholly unreal through their own willful choice of iniquity.

Now we’re talking cessation of existence.

And when this self-sentence is finally confirmed, the being instantly becomes as though he had not been.  There’s no resurrection from such a fate;  it is everlasting and eternal.*

So say it with me now:  THERE IS NO HELL.  Stop talking about it.  Stop lending strength to that which you wish to be free from.  Ignore those who still believe such a backward idea.  Stop wasting your time with them, and use every second you have left figuring out how you can live forever, under, shall we say, more pleasant circumstances.


*  “The living energy factors of identity are resolved by the transformations of time and the metamorphoses of space into the cosmic potentials whence they once emerged.  As for the personality of the iniquitous one, it is deprived of a continuing life vehicle by the creature’s failure to make those choices and final decisions which would have assured eternal life. When the continued embrace of sin by the associated mind culminates in complete self-identification with iniquity, then upon the cessation of life, upon cosmic dissolution, such an isolated personality is absorbed into the oversoul of creation, becoming a part of the evolving experience of the Supreme Being.  Never again does it appear as a personality;  its identity becomes as though it had never been.”    —The Urantia Book:  The Nature Of God;  Justice And Righteousness


†  Damn.  I should also mention, you know, for the hell of it, that the Jewish traditions of heaven and hell and the doctrine of devils in the Hebrew scriptures, while they were founded on the lingering traditions of Lucifer, were principally derived from the Zoroastrians during the times when the Jews were under the political and cultural dominance of the Persians.  Zoroaster, like the Egyptians, taught the “day of judgment,” but he connected the event with the end of the world;  not some hell hole of fire waiting at the end of this life for all the evil boys and girls.  Just sayin’.


Recommended reading:



VATICAN CITY, ROME, ITALY —  The Pope’s Ruby Slippers hadn’t even gathered a bit of dust before funny hats started being tossed into the ring for next pope.  In a move that has the religious world’s tongues a wagging, Pope What’s His Name is resigning his infallibleness.  While in some cases the new papal wanna-bes are shocking, all of them are considered extreme long shots, since for starters some of then aren’t Catholic, and none of them happen to be Cardinals, a prerequisite for pope-dom.

POPE LINDSEYThat has not stopped an unseemly scramble for the Pope’s purse strings, and the political world was shocked when three— count’em, three— noxious Republicans made public their intentions within hours of each other.  South Carolina’s Lindsey Graham announced in a late Friday news dump that he would be seeking the papal throne and its ermine-trimmed gowns.  Needless to say that Tea Party primary was looking uglier all the time.  But the Associated Press had barely caught its balance when the SnowBilly Grifter launched a Friday night, three hour Twitter Fail Whale when she, or someone like her tweeted:

Palin's Pope TweetSarah “Don’t Retreat— Reload!” Palin wants to get in the Pope’s robes

Sarah Palin‘s interest in the papal position is not at all surprising, really, when you consider the enormous wardrobe and travel perks, POPE "SCREECH" PALINand the 110 acre Vatican City— the smallest state in the world— may be more scalable to the ex-governor’s skill set than was mighty Alaska.  Still.  As a past and practiced Voodoo Evangelical, it’s hard to imagine those geriatric Cardinals would want Screech bitchin’ at’em  24/7.

POPE NEWTERNext beast out of the chute was converted Catholic and serial adulterer, Newton Leroy GingrichGingrich has never had a good grip on reality, but this self-indulgent foray to rule the quaint walled enclave in the middle of Rome is every bit as far beyond his grasp as Moon Base 1,  not to mention it has serious lifelong therapy written all over it.  Dump him now, Calista, while he still has income.

And speaking of income, one of the highest paid actors in the world, Nicholas Cage, astonished one or two Hollywood-types with his cavalier announcement today, saying: “Come on now!  I’m half Italian, and this “Peter” guy, who had the original church key, right?  he wasn’t even half Italian, and I’m already a fallen-away Catholic, POPE NICHOLASand despite what the scurvy critics say, I can act and I’m not broke anymore, and … oh, and I love costumes, castles, and expensive real estate.  Let’s do this, Cardinals—  pick me.  Ciao.”


POPE LIMBURPAfter having run through most of his A list sponsors, Rush Limbaugh may be looking for a new gig, too, says his publicist, Howard Levey.  “Rushbo has grown, um, restless;  he’s tired of the chair all day, he’s got his eye on the Pope-mobile.”  Hyeah.  Lardass Limbaugh has “grown,” alright— too big for any chair.  Time for the stomach staples, Blowbag.

POPE CHEF BOY-AR-DEENot all the papal wannabes are corporeal.  Chef Boy-Ar-Dee is certainly a household name in America, but snooty Italians, incensed over the very notion of “heat and serve,” were rioting in the streets twenty minutes after ConAgra Foods threw Boy-Ar-Dee’s toque blanche into the ring.  “Boy-Ar-Dee” is stupid English for Boiardi, a hard working Italian immigrant who built a pasta empire back when Americans would eat anything out of a can.  In a written press release, Boiardi reportedly said, “I love a the church. I like a very much to wave on the admirers, and Ima already use-ed to wearin’ dah silly hats.”

POPE SARDUCCIFather Guido Sarducci, surprise— also Italian— clearly has a more compelling case than the others for becoming the Pope, having long been affiliated with the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, sometimes called “The Vatican Enquirer.”  During a sparsely attended press conference at Luiggi’s Trattoria, the chain-smoking cleric was quick to insist to the press that his frequent clashes with his alter ego, “Pope Maurice,” his 1981 arrest at the Vatican for “impersonating a priest,”as well as the fact he is not an “ordained” anything, should in no way diminish his chances to make the pontiff’s responsibilities his own.  He was quick to point out that many priests who had actually been ordained, were also very guilty of “impersonating a priest.”

Sarducci concluded saying, “You know, if I coulda justa talka to hisa Holiness, Pope Benedict, justa one single a question, you know, I woulda ask him, I woulda say, “Your Holiness, if you coulda be any animal in the world, whata woulda you be?”

POPE DUMBLEDOREConsidered to be the most powerful wizard in the world by countless children, Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is described by his creator, Joanne K. Rowling, as the “epitome of goodness.”  She says Dumbledore speaks for her, as he “knows pretty much everything” about the (Harry Potter) universe.  And he already wears robes.  But more than anything else, Dumbledore believes in the good in everyone, and is said to have a deep capacity for love, frequently reminding Harry and his pals that love is the greatest magic of all.

Last and decidedly least, the perennially dickish Satan is holding forth in Times Square, “The Crossroads POPE SATANof the World,” and insisting to anyone who will listen that the position was always his, and should be returned to him at once.

He spent the day passing out autographed stills of himself dressed as the pope;  the once powerful rebel had a small but captivated crowd of goth kids and metal zit punks gathered around him, until they scattered into the night when police showed up and ticketed him for smoking.  Not cigarettes, but, you know— his self.

So.  As the Cardinals pack their fresh white skivvies for the Vatican, a crazy group of eight have each launched themselves on the misadventure of a lifetime, with a remarkable payoff if they should somehow succeed: becoming infallible, because, Doctrine!

Oh, and remember:

Groucho Got a Secret Word

Getting Real About Gun Safety

According to the NRA ad above, President Obama is just another “elitist hypocrite” for accepting Secret Service protection for his daughters.


And this on the heels of a new first person shooter phone app called “NRA Shooting Range.” It features coffin shaped targets using a virtual semi-automatic pistol that , for an extra 99 cents, can be upgraded to a MK11 sniper rifle. It is being marketed to an age appropriate audience of wanna be killers; that is, from four year olds to adults.


As I type this, President Obama is on my teevee announcing the results of Vice President Joe Biden‘s commission on how to limit the carnage with a combination of proposed congressional legislation and 23 new executive orders. Naturally, this has the wingnuts up in arms (literally), including a threat of impeachment from Texas Representative Steve Stockman, who compares Obama to Saddam Hussein.

There is, of course, much more to this current gun nut craziness than meets the eye, beyond the role that groups like the NRA play as marketing shills for the billion dollar munitions industry. Cognitive science, narratology, evolutionary psychology, identity politics, and ongoing wingnut propaganda all play a role, which I hope to address in a future post.

Meanwhile, a debate that has long been held hostage by “gun enthusiasts” has begun in earnest, and is already producing policy changes that can make society a bit safer. President Obama has decided to spend a significant amount of his political capital in realizing that goal. It remains to be seen whether there is enough courage on Capitol Hill to match his commitment to turn the public’s outrage over the massacre of first graders at Sandy Hook Elementary School into the first sane restrictions on gun control in a generation.

We conclude with this totally vile performance by Rush Limbaugh mimicking the pleas of children to make their world a little safer, which he and Fux News characterize as “human shields” used by the Obama Administration to promote its fascist agenda. Or something like that.

Insane Repugs We Have Known

Here in no particular order, are some of our all-time favorite Insane Repugs, depicted in our favorite way:


A sobbing Speaker and other leaders of the Republican party, some with paper bags over their heads in silent protest, seemed disturbingly unaware that the banner they placed behind themselves was a scathing indictment of their failure to face the reality that Republican obstructionism has not only been responsible for their recent disastrous election results, but also for their intransigent refusal to realize they no longer call the shots.


WASHINGTON D.C. —  Standing before a colorful banner declaring “FAILURE “R” US,” House Speaker John Boehner (Reptile-Ohio) sobbed uncontrollably as he declared that his fellow Republicans were nowhere near dealing with the approaching fiscal flatulence Congress passed in January. Fighting back more tears, the GOP crybaby insisted the widely divergent positions “of both sides” were not just posturing and negotiating points, but represented a genuine and intentional refusal on their part to do things any other way but theirs.

The so-called “fiscal cliff” starts when the Bush-era tax cuts expire and the government starts making automatic spending cuts mandated in last year’s debt ceiling deal.  Economists have warned if both the tax hikes and budget cuts take effect, the nation could slide back into recession.

Lashing out at President Barack Obama for insisting on restoring a reasonable tax rate on their beloved corporate overlords, Speaker Boehner blamed the president for putting the best interests of the American people over the best interests of the Republican Party.

“There’s a stalemate. Let’s not kid ourselves,” Boehner said, dabbing his eyes with a neatly folded, lavender handkerchief. “I’m not trying to make this more difficult;  it comes naturally.  But if you’ve watched me over the last three weeks, you’ve noticed I’m very guarded in what I have to say, because I, well, I drink a lot of scotch— which like most people— makes me cry.  After a few sobs, he continued:  “I don’t want to make it any harder for me, or president what’s-his-name, or members of either party to be able to find the common ground that suits our party’s needs.  But where we disagree, well, screw that, and screw you.”

He then blamed the White House for offering the same deal it started with right after the election, in total disregard for what the Republicans are demanding.  President Obama suggested $1.6 trillion in tax revenue would be needed to go along with appropriate Medicare cuts.  “The White House spent three weeks pushing their selfish proposal… It was not a serious proposal.  It had nothing in it that we’re demanding.  And so right now we’re almost nowhere, and it’s all his fault.”  More tears.

Boehner also insisted he had taken a risk by even talking to the president in public, since the de facto fathead of the Republican party, Rush Limbaugh, had instructed them to walk out on any negotiations.  “We’re willing to put what we think is best for the way we insist the economy be run on the table, pure and simple,” Boehner said;  “If the other party doesn’t like it, then we’re willing to take our ball and go home.”

President Obama struck a more naive tone, saying, “I believe both parties can and will work together in the coming weeks to get a fair deal done.  But, you know, in Washington, nothing’s easy,” he continued.  “Can they stop whining long enough about not getting their way, to do what they must?

“Look, there are two things that can happen.  We can work together and get this done for the American people. Or.  If the Republicans continue their childish tantrum, and Congress does nothing, every family in America will see their income taxes automatically go up on January 1st.  And every family in America will know exactly who’s responsible for whacking middle class taxpayers with an average $2,000 tax increase, because Republicans still think they hold all the cards, still think they can behave like little shits, and still think they’ll get everything they want under the tree on Christmas.  That’s not going to happen.”

Failure:  it’s what’s for Christmas.







Cognitive Dissonance & The Unskewed Polls

Limbaugh just before his head explodes in a fit of cognitive dissonance 

“Never get high on your own supply.”Notorious Big.

When the polls started turning up for Obama and the down ticket  Dems after the DNC convention, the GOPers dismissed it as a “sugar high.”  Some high octane sugar, that.  Obama now leads in all nine swing states, each outside the margin of error. Worse for Team Romney, the internals showed a double digit drop in the number of people saying the country is on the wrong track.  Obama’s favorability ratings have now risen to the crucial 50% level.  Romney’s pick of Paul “Voucherize Medicare” Ryan to be his Veep has hurt him in the crucial senior demographic.  And Obama now leads on the question of who is the better candidate to improve the economy, formerly Romney’s greatest strength.  While the post-convention bounce could have been explained away as a short term effect, the political impact of the leaked 47% vid has unmistakably bent the arc of the campaign towards Obama and the Dems,  leaving the Rethugs flailing around for a new narrative spin.

Enter one Dean Chambers, an obscure right wing blogger who claims to have scientifically “unskewed” the polls by eliminating a presumed oversampling of the number of Democratic respondents. Presto change-o —  Romney actually enjoys a substantial lead. (For an analysis of why Chambers’ methodology sucks,  see this article from TPM, featuring a critique from the former champion of GOP leaning pollsters, Scott Rassmussen himself.) Citing what is rapidly becoming known as the “Poll Truthers” movement, ThinkProgress  reports that:

Rush Limbaugh also outlined the pollster conspiracy on his radio show: “They’re all Democrats. They’re all liberals. They just have different jobs. The polls are the replacement refs. They see certain things. They don’t see other things. They don’t call certain things, and other things go by. In this case, what they’re trying to do is exactly what they’ve done in your case: frustrate you, make you pull your hair out, say, what the hell’s happening to the country? They want you thinking the country’s lost. They want you thinking your side’s lost. They want you thinking it’s over for what you believe. And that makes you stay home and not vote. That’s what they’re hoping.”

Limbaugh, while doing his best to rally his troops, is thus planting the seeds of a post-election narrative that blames the liberal media and their co-conspirators in the pollster business. Jason Linkins and Elyse Siegel over at HuffPo write that there is a longer term goal, with a clever Catch-22 hook:

So you should look at “Unskewed Polls” as less of a strategic effort to get Romney elected, and more of a long-game effort to mount a war against pollsters once the election is over.  (They will magically have a case, no matter which way the election turns out:  if Obama wins, pollsters are in the tank;  if Romney wins, pollsters are terrible and wrong about everything.)

I would offer a third possibility:  that the Rethugs  are seeding a post-election rationale to be employed after they steal the election:  “See, there was polling precedent that showed Romney was winning all along.”  I’m not ready to abandon that possibility just yet, given their track record in the 2000 and 2004 presidential elections.  (See, e.g., former DNC communications spokeswoman and current MSNBC political analyst Karen Finney‘s repeated warnings about same.)  But for now I am more intrigued by Billmon‘s analysis over at the Big Orange titled, “Skewed polls and the paranoid style” (the latter phrase being an homage to Douglas Hoffsteader‘s 1964 classic essay, “The Paranoid Style”).

The most striking feature of the current right-wing obsession with “skewed polls” is that it combines two of modern conservatism’s most pronounced tendencies:  A complete rejection of empirical reality, and a deep conviction that said reality is in fact a conspiratorial plot by the enemies of America (a.k.a. the liberals) to poison public opinion— to win through deception what they cannot achieve openly.  Memories of the right’s insistence that all was going well with the bloody occupation of Iraq are hard to avoid— likewise the manufactured “debate” over the causes and consequences of global climate change, the imaginary role of ACORN and the Community Reinvestment Act in the subprime mortgage meltdown, and just about every other instance in which conservative ideology has had to come face to face with the cold, hard facts of life.  In each case, the knee-jerk conservative response to inconvenient (and unfriendly) truths has been to mimic Adam Savage’s line from Mythbusters:  “I reject your reality and substitute my own.”  Except Adam was being ironic.  They are not.

The “complete rejection of empirical” reality and substituting a different one was, of course, enshrined in the political universe when a Bushian political operative, widely believed to be Karl Rove, told author Ron Suskind:

The aide said that guys like me were “in what we call the reality-based community,” which he defined as people who “believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality.” … “That’s not the way the world really works anymore,” he continued. “We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality.  And while you’re studying that reality— judiciously, as you will— we’ll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors… and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.”[2]

Writer and blogger Julian Sanchez describes this cognitive mindset as “epistemic closure”:

One of the more striking features of the contemporary conservative movement is the extent to which it has been moving toward epistemic closure. Reality is defined by a multimedia array of interconnected and cross promoting conservative blogs, radio programs, magazines, and of course, Fox News. Whatever conflicts with that reality can be dismissed out of hand because it comes from the liberal media, and is therefore ipso facto not to be trusted. (How do you know they’re liberal?  Well, they disagree with the conservative media!)  This epistemic closure can be a source of solidarity and energy, but it also renders the conservative media ecosystem fragile. Think of the complete panic China’s rulers feel about any breaks in their Internet firewall:  The more successfully external sources of information have been excluded to date, the more unpredictable the effects of a breach become.  Internal criticism is then especially problematic, because it threatens the hermetic seal.  It’s not just that any particular criticism might have to be taken seriously coming from a fellow conservative.  Rather, it’s that anything that breaks down the tacit equivalence between “critic of conservatives and “wicked liberal smear artist” undermines the effectiveness of the entire information filter.  If disagreement is not in itself evidence of malign intent or moral degeneracy, people start feeling an obligation to engage it sincerely— maybe even when it comes from the New York Times.  And there is nothing more potentially fatal to the momentum of an insurgency fueled by anger than a conversation.  A more intellectually secure conservatism would welcome this, because it wouldn’t need to define itself primarily in terms of its rejection of an alien enemy.

h/t Chris Hayes.

Billmon again:

There simply is no getting around the fact that the mentality of the modern grassroots conservative movement is in almost all particulars the spitting image of a 20th century totalitarian political party— an “epistemically closed” loop of self-reference and self-delusion.  In other words:  a cult.  The upshot is that one of America’s two main political parties has managed to turn itself into the proverbial insane asylum run by the inmates. . .  But for most sane (or at least semi-sane) people, there comes a point where you realize you’ve lost the thread and have to back up a bit— and maybe enter rehab.  But epistemic cults have no such corrective mechanisms.  They never go in reverse, never question their own assumptions, and most of all never ever admit error.  Their belief systems are too fragile.  Break the gestalt, even in one place, and the entire edifice may come crashing down.  Which may explain why totalitarian cults that actually achieve unchallenged state power usually end up astonishing the world not just with their barbarity, but with the sheer zaniness of their thinking.  They can’t stop themselves from taking their obsessions to the ultimate extreme.

Or as The Urantia Book might put it:

But life will become a burden of existence unless you learn how to fail gracefully.  There is an art in defeat which noble souls always acquire;  you must know how to lose cheerfully;  you must be fearless of disappointment.  Never hesitate to admit failure. Make no attempt to hide failure under deceptive smiles and beaming optimism. It sounds well always to claim success, but the end results are appalling.  Such a technique leads directly to the creation of a world of unreality and to the inevitable crash of ultimate disillusionment.