A sobbing Speaker and other leaders of the Republican party, some with paper bags over their heads in silent protest, seemed disturbingly unaware that the banner they placed behind themselves was a scathing indictment of their failure to face the reality that Republican obstructionism has not only been responsible for their recent disastrous election results, but also for their intransigent refusal to realize they no longer call the shots.


WASHINGTON D.C. —  Standing before a colorful banner declaring “FAILURE “R” US,” House Speaker John Boehner (Reptile-Ohio) sobbed uncontrollably as he declared that his fellow Republicans were nowhere near dealing with the approaching fiscal flatulence Congress passed in January. Fighting back more tears, the GOP crybaby insisted the widely divergent positions “of both sides” were not just posturing and negotiating points, but represented a genuine and intentional refusal on their part to do things any other way but theirs.

The so-called “fiscal cliff” starts when the Bush-era tax cuts expire and the government starts making automatic spending cuts mandated in last year’s debt ceiling deal.  Economists have warned if both the tax hikes and budget cuts take effect, the nation could slide back into recession.

Lashing out at President Barack Obama for insisting on restoring a reasonable tax rate on their beloved corporate overlords, Speaker Boehner blamed the president for putting the best interests of the American people over the best interests of the Republican Party.

“There’s a stalemate. Let’s not kid ourselves,” Boehner said, dabbing his eyes with a neatly folded, lavender handkerchief. “I’m not trying to make this more difficult;  it comes naturally.  But if you’ve watched me over the last three weeks, you’ve noticed I’m very guarded in what I have to say, because I, well, I drink a lot of scotch— which like most people— makes me cry.  After a few sobs, he continued:  “I don’t want to make it any harder for me, or president what’s-his-name, or members of either party to be able to find the common ground that suits our party’s needs.  But where we disagree, well, screw that, and screw you.”

He then blamed the White House for offering the same deal it started with right after the election, in total disregard for what the Republicans are demanding.  President Obama suggested $1.6 trillion in tax revenue would be needed to go along with appropriate Medicare cuts.  “The White House spent three weeks pushing their selfish proposal… It was not a serious proposal.  It had nothing in it that we’re demanding.  And so right now we’re almost nowhere, and it’s all his fault.”

More tears.

Boehner also insisted he had taken a risk by even talking to the president in public, since the de facto fathead of the Republican party, Rush Limbaugh, had instructed them to walk out on any negotiations.  “We’re willing to put what we think is best for the way we insist the economy be run on the table, pure and simple,” Boehner said;  “If the other party doesn’t like it, then we’re willing to take our ball and go home.”

President Obama struck a more naive tone, saying, “I believe both parties can and will work together in the coming weeks to get a fair deal done.  But, you know, in Washington, nothing’s easy,” he continued.  “Can they stop whining long enough about not getting their way, to do what they must?

“Look, there are two things that can happen.  We can work together and get this done for the American people. Or.  If the Republicans continue their childish tantrum, and Congress does nothing, every family in America will see their income taxes automatically go up on January 1st.  And every family in America will know exactly who’s responsible for whacking middle class taxpayers with an average $2,000 tax increase, because Republicans still think they hold all the cards, still think they can behave like little shits, and still think they’ll get everything they want under the tree on Christmas.  That’s not going to happen.”

Failure:  it’s what’s for Christmas.









  1. Propagandee

    Prior to the election, Obama’s negotiating default was to propose a deal that was closest to the terms that the Rethugs would be likely to accept, based on their prior positions.

    What a naive fool. Is there any wonder that they always ended up with the lion’s share of any compromise?Among the punditocracy this became known as “Obama negotiating with himself.”

    When you’re playing poker you don’t shove half your chips across the table in a gesture of goodwill hoping that your opponent, who just happens hates your guts, will reciprocate.

    It seems that in the crucible of the election, the demands of progressives, and even of ordinary working stiffs outside the White Bubble, had the effect of slapping Obama across the face, bringing him back to reality and back towards the political center.

    Time will tell if his spine has really stiffened and he sticks to his guns. Call their bluff such that when the glitter ball in Times Square hits the ground at 12:00 AM Jan 1, everybody’s taxes go up, including the Rethugs uber rich donors; and the sequestor kicks in, taking a big bite out of their military-industrial-complex donors as well.

    Sure, the little guy will feel the pain too, but at least they have already been toughened up by bearing the brunt of the economy’s failure thus far, while the same time can’t be said for the uber rich, who are even richer now than before.

    Naturally, the Rethugs will try to blame Obama for everything. But just as during the election the American people held Bush and not O responsible for the shitty economy, they will hold them responsible for not extending their tax cuts. O is holding the winning hand and all he has to do is call the Rethugs’ bluff.

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