TED CRUZ TALKS TO GRILLED SAUSAGE

Ted Cruz DoGSenator Ted Cruz walked out of the Mens Congressional restroom Friday, talking to a levitating ballpark frank.

Ted Cruz Chats With His Lunch in the Congressional Men’s Room

WASHINGTON—  A partially dressed and apparently deranged Senator Ted Cruz (®Texas), emerged from the Congressional Men’s room Friday, alternately sobbing and talking coherently with an apparently invisible sausage or hot dog, which he claimed was hovering just above his head in front of him.

The Senator, who was shirtless and covered with dark paw marks of some sort was met outside the restroom by a phalanx of Capital Hill reporters with recording devices and a few snickers.

When asked why he was sobbing, Cruz responded, “Look!  Just look what they did to my sweet little dog, Teddy;  Obamacare grilled my sweet little dog.  Well, why doesn’t he try and say it to my dog’s face!”

“Um, where is your dog Teddy now, sir?” asked Fox News reporter, Ed Henry.  “There— right there in the lights, just in front of me” replied Cruz, staring off to the ceiling.  The senator then made a series of little stroking motions, as if he were petting a dog;  an uncomfortable silence was broken by the arrival of Capital Hill Security, who gingerly escorted the Senator from the room.

Cruz, who Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) recently said was “…a laughing stock to everybody but him,” led the costly Tea Party debacle which shut down the United States Government for sixteen days;  current estimates say the shutdown cost 900,000 jobs.  Conservative pundicks say this is exactly the kind of thing that will endear him to the angry dead-ender conservative base, who are determined to vote against their own best interest, even if it means voting for a douche who talks to hotdogs while laying cable.

Mad To The Max: Paul Ryan, Beyond Blunderdome

Paul Ryan Beyond Blunderdome

The barn door has closed on yet another episode of CPAC’s Wingnut Woodstock, the annual conclave of conservaschism‘s most extreme proponents. (See our archives for previous entries.)

Among the 70+ speakers were the party’s last two failed GOP Veep candidates, Rep. Paul Ryan (R- Gault’s Gulch), who couldn’t be bothered to even mention his former running mate, Mitt Romney, who was also there;  and Sarah Palin (R-Alaskan Quitter), who couldn’t resist sucking up some sugar water poison from a Big Gulp and throwing some red meat to the Birthers while attacking Karl Rove:

“If these experts who keep losin’ elections and keep gettin’ rehired and gettin’ millions — if they feel that strong about who gets to run in this party, then they should buck-up or stay in the truck.”

Rand Paul, who won the presidential straw poll beating Marco Rubio, 25%-23%, also implicitly took a shot at Rove and the establishment wing of the party, calling it “stale and moss covered,” in need of a complete do-over.  Rubio took the opposite tack, saying that the party just needed better packaging, everything else is just fine… except maybe their attitude toward immigration, a word that curiously never passed his lips.  Ted Cruz responded politely to GOP’s “grey eminence” John McCain, after McCain called him a “whackobird” for supporting Paul’s 13 hour filibuster against extra-judicial targeted killings, ala drone strikes.

All told, over 70 speeches were given.  And while Donald Trump said nothing of substance, he will be remembered for making a further investment in self-parody, talking to a room full of empty chairs after tweeting enthusiastically about how the sponsors were expecting a standing room only crowd for the pleasure of his company.

Empty chairs TrumpSquint real hard and you might see Trump holding court for a handful of starstruck suckups

Noticeable for their absence were Past GOP luminaries New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and Virgina Governor Bob McDonnell weren’t invited this year because they had committed the unforgivable sin of, you know, actual governance, an activity antithetical to the overriding mission of modern conservatism— the wholesale dismantling of the US government (except as it benefits the 1%).

Which brings us to the substance of Paul Ryan’s speech, his proposed 2014 budget confabulation. The zombie eyed granny starver once again tried to disguise his Ayn Randian flavored social Darwinism as deficit reduction, framing his argument as the only rational approach to a country teetering on the edge of the apocalypse:

Unless we change course, we will have a debt crisis.  Pressed for cash, the government will take the easy way out:  It will crank up the printing presses.  The final stage of this intergenerational theft will be the debasement of our currency.  Government will cheat us of our just rewards.  Our finances will collapse.  The economy will stall.  The safety net will unravel. And the most vulnerable will suffer.

But it’s not too late.  This budget provides an exit ramp from the current mess— and an entry ramp to a better future.  Unlike the President’s last budget, which never balanced, this budget achieves balance within ten years.

Washington Post and MSNBC economic policy wonk Ezra Klein comments:

These are tremendously important paragraphs. They’re emphasized a few pages later, in the first real section of the budget, which is entitled “The Debt Crisis Ahead.”  These paragraphs matter because they serve as Ryan’s justification for his budget.  They are why we need to throw 35 million people off health insurance.  They are why we need to cut deep into education and infrastructure and food stamps and housing assistance.  They are why this budget is an act of mercy rather than cruelty — because if this future is the only alternative, then this budget is painful but necessary medicine.

But it’s not.  Ryan’s nightmare scenario isn’t likely even in the absence of new policy.  A reasonable assumption of future debt is about 112 percent of GDP come 2037 — and that’s assuming the repeal of the sequester.  That’s too high for comfort, and there’s some evidence that debt at that level could harm the economy.  But there’s no evidence that it would create the kind of Mad Max-style scenario Ryan paints.

Ryan’s GOP budget takes a meat ax to the social safety net for the old, poor, and infirm, all the while sparing the military/medical/prison/financial industrial complex or any other corporate interest group from any sacrifice whatsoever. Ryan ignores deficit expanding tax expenditures that overwhelmingly favor the wealthy, which in 2009 cost the federal government a cool trillion; says nothing about eliminating tens of billions of dollars in direct taxpayer subsidies to hugely profitable industries like the oil companies and Big Ag, many of whom don’t even pay any income tax thanks to lobbyist provided loopholes; and lowers tax rates across the board, which again, overwhelmingly favors the rich.MORE. . .“Mad To The Max: Paul Ryan, Beyond Blunderdome”

Cheap White Whines

I can only believe a bonafide tea-billy did the copy work here, what with half a dozen ugly typos on the back label alone.

Exceptional American Doucherism

Rethugs vote to throw the world’s disabled over the cliff

Ryan On The Romney Stench (Or should that be The Romney Stench On Ryan?)

Mitt Romney moving Joe Scarborough to tears

Politico’s chief political reporter Robert Simon wrote  yesterday that…

Paul Ryan has gone rogue. He is unleashed, unchained, off the hook.

I hate to say this, but if Ryan wants to run for national office again, he’ll probably have to wash the stench of Romney off of him,Craig Robinson, a former political director of the Republican Party of Iowa, told The New York Times on Sunday.

Though Ryan had already decided to distance himself from the floundering Romney campaign, he now feels totally uninhibited. Reportedly, he has been marching around his campaign bus, saying things like, “If Stench calls, take a message” and “Tell Stench I’m having finger sandwiches with Peggy Noonan and will text him later.”

Is this an insight into the fractured mindset of the Romney campaign? The latest set of polls, taken in the wake of the devastating 47% tape, show Obama widening his lead over Romney in key swing states, 10 points in the critical state of Ohio alone. In two nationwide polls, Quinipac has Obama up by 10, and the Washington Post by 8 . Plenty reason for the the rats aboard the USS Romney to begin abandoning ship.

Or is Simon’s account a lame attempt at satire? So argues a former colleague of his, detailed in this Bloomberg piece by Tobin Harshaw:

As Ben Smith of Buzzfeed, a former Politico blogger, tweeted: “So uh a lot of people seem not to have picked up that @politicoroger’s column was satire.” Put more succinctly by conservative blogger JammieWearingFool: “Satire should actually be funny.”

Or, at least it should be pretty obvious. There is no underestimating the literal-mindedness of the American reader: Years ago when I worked at the Times we published a satirical op-ed column by Steve Martin riffing on the idea that a NASA Mars probe had discovered millions of kittens on the Red Planet. Shortly thereafter, a subscriber sent a terse letter to the editor asking us to “inform your science correspondent” that the lack of oxygen on Mars made kitten infestation highly unlikely.

Naturally, no writer wants to put a blinking sign indicating “This Is a Joke” above his or her parody piece. But editors should realize that if there is even a chance that such a sign is necessary, it’s probably best to spike the whole idea. Otherwise, you might end up fooling a lot of people, maybe even a Nobel Prize winner.

Well, it’s been a day and a half since Simon posted his article and so far no mea culpas. Having indulged in a little (?) satire ourselves here at US, we heartily support its use. But Politico ain’t no Daily Show. It has, since its inception, determinedly built its brand as serious mainstream Village insiders. So satire in this case seems unlikely.

[Update: 1:25 PM PST: Simon has apparently added an “Author’s Note” that indicates he was, in fact, being satirical.]

CW has it that the current weak state of the economy should allow any competent GOP ticket to take back the White House. Same goes for the Senate, especially given the disparate number of Democratic seats up for grabs. But a Romney fail will take a lot of down-ticket candidates with him, putting even the House in play. If these polls hold up, the suppressed contempt for Romney amongst Ryan’s Teabagger base will come roaring back to the surface.

In the video clip above, that chanting your hear for Ryan in the background is like the first scraping sounds the crew and passengers heard when the Titantic hit the iceberg that took it to a watery grave. Here’s hoping that the MSM throws the Romney an anvil instead of a life preserver.

God’s Rottweiler’s New Chew Toy

Former Nazi Pope Benedict XVI, was aka as “God’s Rottweiler” when he was Cardinal Ratizinger.