Outsource This

Numerous crimes aside from murder, including betrayal of governmental trust, also carry the death penalty, and the visitation of justice is sure and swift.The Urantia Book

URANTIA — [C.U.News] In a development today that surprised even veteran DC reporters, not a single Republican was indicted, convicted, resigned, or announced a sudden overwhelming urge to spend more time with his family.

With most of Congress still out of town for the Easter holiday, only Inmate Number 94405-198, aka Randy “Duke” Cunnigham, the former Republican Congressman who was convicted of numerous bribery and conspiracy charges, agreed to go on record with a comment.

“Good. It’s getting pretty crowded around here,” he said from a pay phone at the United States Penitentiary in Tucson, AZ.

“I certainly don’t look forward to having to share the yard with my former colleagues, especially the ones I ratted out,” he added nervously.

In a related development, a spokesperson for Mightily Pissed Off Urantians confirmed rumors that the group had opened up communications with the planet mentioned in Paper 72 of The Urantia Book.

“Yes, we’ve begun exploring the idea of a self-executing extradition and adjudication treaty with Planet Nuremberg that would allow us to outsource a trial of the Bushies for crimes against humanity.”

Asked why such a trial shouldn’t be held on earth, he replied:

“Theoretically, it should. But look what happened to Richard Nixon. He was pardoned before he ever went to trial. And Scooter Libby— found guilty but had his sentence commuted. From their first days in office, Bush and Cheney have maintained a cadre of lawyers like John Yoo, David Addington, Alberto Torquemada Gonzales, and Harriet Myers to make sure they’d never have to see the inside of a cell. Karl Rove made sure the Justice Department was stocked with sympathetic US attorneys. And Bush has signed a slew of signing statements and executive orders that would take years, if not decades, to litigate.”

What about trying them in an international court like The Hague, instead?

“Fat chance. Bush and Cheney have spent the last 7 years pissing on the very idea of international law. Not that I wouldn’t enjoy watching Banki Moon’s Blue Helmets taking on Bush’s and Cheney’s Praetorian Blackwater guards,” he added. “Fixed News would be ecstatic. They’d cover it like Crawford was the new Alamo. No doubt the Black Helicopter crowd would come streaming down from their redoubts in Idaho for a piece of the action.”

Logistics aside, what are the legal barriers that would have to be overcome?

“Well, the US Supreme Court would have the last word on extradition, and Bush has appointed two of them since his daddy’s appointees made him president in 2000. If Cheney was impeachment insurance, John Roberts and Samuel Alito are guarantees that they will never ever have to answer to the international courts. No, they thought this through very thoroughly. The only way justice will be served is to outsource the trial to a planet like Nuremberg. Besides, we like their mandatory sentencing guidelines.”

Fred Fielding, Bush’s current White House counsel, wouldn’t agree to an interview for this story. His office did issue a terse two word statement.

“Bite me,” it reads.

Prove you're human: leave a comment.