DAY 24,505 On This Planet.
I feel like WE are Groot, today. I don’t feel like spelling it out more than that. I may get a double-take, or an “Excuse me??” stare, but that’s become a lot more frequent a response to me this decade, anyway.
So.
“WE are Groot.”
Mitch McConnell’s strategy of blaming everything that’s wrong in the world on Barack Obama has been wildly effective.
May the derp with the biggest head win. Click for too close.
WATERLOO, IOWA — Jimmy Joe Johnson, a member of the Iowa GOP’s State Central Committee and a former Iowa adviser to Ricky Santorum, said he spoke with unannounced praisedential candidate Ted Cruz about “tweaking” his economics-heavy message to best win over Iowa conservatives.
“You’ve got to enunciate the moral themes here,” Johnson told him, “Get a bigger cross, and wear it above your flag pin. If you don’t, you’ll lose.” So Ted tweaked it.
You’re probably surprised to see a super-slimmed-down Chris Christie front and center in the lineup. No more than we are; here’s what happened. Six weeks ago Christie promised himself that if he “lost” a little bit in two months, he would lob the rest of his weight into the ring. Nobody asked him whether he meant lose a kilo of cannabis, or cocaine, or human fat; or, you know, lost ground politically in New Jersey. And we’re not sure why losing something is incentive to try and win something, but he swears— a lot— that he lost it; well, actually he swears he’s just no longer looking for it.
And then there’s citizen Ricky Santorum.
On the left end, a cranky little* Marco Rubio won’t shut up about nothing in particular. And on the far right end, crippled Verbal Kint look-alike,** Randy Paul, who is still sniggering over that CPAC thing, is currently berating “potheads” that they’ll stop wanting to show up for work if they smoke all the time, annnnnd, they’ll get stupid and lazy and lose IQ points. But Randy is drawing on real world experience: remember that “Aqua Buddha” episode with his roomie? No? Seriously, NO??
Have you been smoking?
* “Not tall enough to be president.” —Mr. Ann Coulter
** Also “Not tall enough to be president.” —Mr. Ann Coulter
Senator Ted Cruz walked out of the Mens Congressional restroom Friday, talking to a levitating ballpark frank.
WASHINGTON— A partially dressed and apparently deranged Senator Ted Cruz (®Texas), emerged from the Congressional Men’s room Friday, alternately sobbing and talking coherently with an apparently invisible sausage or hot dog, which he claimed was hovering just above his head in front of him.
The Senator, who was shirtless and covered with dark paw marks of some sort was met outside the restroom by a phalanx of Capital Hill reporters with recording devices and a few snickers.
When asked why he was sobbing, Cruz responded, “Look! Just look what they did to my sweet little dog, Teddy; Obamacare grilled my sweet little dog. Well, why doesn’t he try and say it to my dog’s face!”
“Um, where is your dog Teddy now, sir?” asked Fox News reporter, Ed Henry. “There— right there in the lights, just in front of me” replied Cruz, staring off to the ceiling. The senator then made a series of little stroking motions, as if he were petting a dog; an uncomfortable silence was broken by the arrival of Capital Hill Security, who gingerly escorted the Senator from the room.
Cruz, who Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) recently said was “…a laughing stock to everybody but him,” led the costly Tea Party debacle which shut down the United States Government for sixteen days; current estimates say the shutdown cost 900,000 jobs. Conservative pundicks say this is exactly the kind of thing that will endear him to the angry dead-ender conservative base, who are determined to vote against their own best interest, even if it means voting for a douche who talks to hotdogs while laying cable.
This month’s national laughingstock just happens to be an adult crybaby.
This sorry-assed excuse for a magazine found its way into my personal space yesterday. Not only was it not funny, but it pissed me off in a way that I have seldom experienced since I stopped abusing certain vile foamy liquids and other assorted borderline ingestibles.
Many of you are too young in this adventure to remember National LAMPOON magazine, let alone one of their most memorable covers, from January 1973. (See it here.) But unlike that cover, this parody did not make me feel sorry for the Boner-as-victim of his own groveling attempts to destroy the American government and … you know what, just forget it.
Forget all the antics of the Republican “party” for a moment. Just answer this question: Why is a sniveling crybaby the Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States?
Is this really the best creature we can squeeze out of our gene pool?
Apparently it is, so then, go ahead, Repuglican’ts; do your worst, you catatonic douchebags.
America has it coming.
Sommmmebody stop mmmmmeee!
(Original image may surprise you.)
Grayson sums it up like this:
First, it’s not our responsibility.
Secondly, whatever we do won’t actually accomplish anything useful.
Third, it’s expensive.
And fourth, it’s dangerous.
Let’s clarify.
First, it’s not only our responsibility, it’s every nation’s responsibility.
Secondly, if we do something on our own, we won’t accomplish anything useful, but we will create even more global animosity towards the United States.
Third, yes, bloody expensive.
Fourth, dangerous, foolish, and criminal.
Here is Grayson’s DontAttackSyria.com petition:
“The Administration is considering intervening in the Syrian civil war. We oppose this. There’s no vital national security involved. We are not the world’s policeman, nor its judge and jury. Our own needs in America are great, and they come first. The death of civilians is always regrettable, and civil war is regrettable, but no Americans have been attacked, and no American allies have been attacked. The British Parliament understandably has voted not to join in any attack. Notably, defense contractor Raytheon’s stock is up 20% in the last 60 days. It seems that nobody wants US intervention in Syria except the military-industrial complex. I oppose US military intervention in Syria. Join me.”
Ban-Ki-moon, United Nations Secretary-General, said this Tuesday:
“The use of force is lawful only when in exercise of self-defense in accordance with Article 51 of the United Nations Charter and/or when the Security Council approves such action. That is the firm principle of the United Nations.”
Grayson and others are right: we “are not the world’s policeman.” But our membership in the United Nations means we are a cosignatory to a document designed to ensure world law and order, and there are rules, man. . .
If we act unilaterally, or outside of our obligations to the member nations, we are acting as a rogue nation, and committing another* war crime.
It’s time to start demonstrating we can walk the walk of a nation dedicated to world peace. And that means acting in consort with the decision of United Nations, and then helping to see their legal mandates are carried out. That means ALL nations have to contribute either boots (with people wearing them), equipment, etc., or MONEY.
It’s time for abandoning the twin sophistries of sovereignty and self-determination. The nations of the world will finally begin to enjoy peace when they freely surrender their respective sovereignties into the hands of a truly global government— the sovereignty of the brotherhood of mankind. In this world state, the small nations will be as powerful as the great, even as a small state like Rhode Island has its two senator just the same as the populous state of New York or huge area of Texas.
Global sovereignty is the only sovereignty that will prevent global wars— nothing else can. Global wars will go on until the government of mankind is created. The nations of the world have not possessed real sovereignty; they never have had a sovereignty which could protect them from the ravages and devastations of world wars.
In the creation of the global government of mankind, the nations are not giving up sovereignty so much as they are actually creating a real, bona fide, and lasting world sovereignty, which will henceforth be fully able to protect them from all war. Local affairs will be handled by local governments; national affairs, by national governments; international affairs will be administered by global government.
And under a world government, the individual will enjoy far more liberty. Today, the citizens of the great powers— US— are taxed, regulated, and controlled oppressively, and much of the present interference with our individual liberties will vanish when the national governments are willing to trustee their sovereignty as regards international affairs, into the hands of a true global government.
Under global government ALL national groups will be afforded a real opportunity to realize and enjoy the personal liberties of genuine democracy. The fallacy of self-determination will be ended. With global regulation of money and trade will come a new era of world-wide peace.
There simply is no better way to world peace.
You cannot prevent nations going to war as long as they remain infected with the delusional virus of national sovereignty. Internationalism is a step in the right direction. An international police force will prevent many minor wars, but it will not be effective in preventing major wars, conflicts between the great military governments of earth.
—The Urantia Book
