ACUNA, MEXICO — Ciudad Acuña is the fastest growing city in Mexico you’ve never heard of. You wouldn’t know it, to look at what’s left of the place after an F3* fucked the place up a few years ago; but more than a couple United States presidents have nom nomed tacos in this town.
For some dam reason there was Dwight, then LBJ, then Tricky Dick, and finally, “Beeel.” You know Bill; Hillary‘s “Bill.” Hillary Bill. Hillary Billary. Billary. Huh.
Anyway, so “Wherrre’s Beeeel.” Well. Bill’s been hidin’. In Acuña. Where the living is cheap, the tacos are fresh, and “the womens” are friendly. Now now; I know what you’re thinking; but some say Bill’s not nearly as “undisciplined” as he once was. At least not all the time. He’s still gotta little mojo squirrelled away in a not-so-secret account presidents call “political capital.”
That’s a euphemism for political credit, of course, thus Bill be chillin’ on that cred until Hill brings home the political bacon in November. Still, being a “spousal campaign surrogate” is hard work, so he’ll be hittin’ up some Jersey boys and girls this Friday. Because: too much money flowing into the
Clinton Foundation campaign coffers is not a real thing.
So once he gets the toiletries squared away back in his old bathroom, expect to see the “First Dude” doing a lot of globetrotting; instead of just loitering around the Oval pushing KFC secret-recipe through his pyloric sphincter. He’ll soon be a special V.I.P. U.S. envoy, sent by Hillary on peacemaking expeditions, diplomatic vacations, or even trouble-shooting jaunts to those many war-torn, oil-producing, shitstorm nations drowning in riyals and dinars. It’s also possible he’ll be in full philanthropy mode for
his the family’s private foundation.
Who knows; he may even see daddy Estaban, again.
“Beeel was a foool for blownds”
¹ Our perfunctory inclusion of “what a pussy” Donald Trump, who regularly incites political violence, is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist and birther, who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims — 1.6 billion members of an entire religion — from entering the U.S.
* An “F3” on the Fujita scale.