National INQUISITOR: 500 CRIMES & 5,000 LIES

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National INQUISITOR tRUMP'S 500 CRIMES

The latest chronicler of the human shit-gibbon president’s escapades is the National INQUISITOR

 

WASHINGTON D.C. — David Pecker.  Seriously.  David J. Pecker is the chairman and CEO of American Media, at least for a little while longer.  He publishes the National Enquirer, Star, Sun, Weekly World News, Globe, Men’s Fitness, Muscle and Fitness, Flex, Fit Pregnancy, and Shape.  But what he’s going to be remembered for is buying and burying ugly shit about Donald Trump.  And by doing so, he’s been given immunity from prosecution for his roll in colluding with Trump and his fixer, Michael Cohen, to keep the truth of Trump’s tawdry doings (oh, and the tawdry doings of his adult children, too) out of the flagship shit rag of his publishing empire, The National Enquirer.  He might as well have driven a gasoline tanker trunk into the building, because he’s effectively burning it to the ground in spectacular fashion.  Yeah, too bad.

Well nature abhors a vacuum, so there should be a new shit rag in town, the National INQUISITOR©.   Only instead of demeaning all of Trump‘s enemies the way Pecker did with his shit rag, the INQUISITOR will be savaging Trump— and all of his cronies, until death do them part from our planet.  Godspeed.

SATAN SPOTTED ON CAPITAL HILL AGAIN

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Satan on Capital HillSatan was on Capital Hill again today, trolling the media and spreading the usual fear and hate so vital to the 24-7 news cycle.*

In another increasingly commonplace display of what some call demonic candor, angry Demon and gaslighting Christian icon, Satan, trolled a Fox news crew on Capital Hill today

 

CAPITAL HILL —  Various reporters, and a Fox News crew, spotted what appeared to be an undressed demon in the Capital rotunda this morning, as he casually made his way through a crowd that parted like the Red Sea must have for Moses.  When questions were shouted by the Fake News Network’s anchor, “Satan” spun around and glowered at those gathering around him.
This is a transcription of the dialogue that followed.

 

FAUX NEWS:  Mr. Satan, Democrat fake news sources are claiming that you’ve been working closely with President Trump to foist your will on the American people via the take-over of the American government by President Vladimir Putin and the Russian Federation, but isn’t it true that Hillary Clinton, James Comey, John O. Brennan, FBI lovers Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, along with former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe are 100% responsible for the unsupportable allegation of the president’s supposed betrayal of America?  Or was it in fact, just the filthy lying Democrats, who can’t let go of the lib-crushing fact they totally lost the election without no help from the Russians, and that there is NO COLLUSION?
And my follow up — will you be talking with the Anti-Christ today?

SATANYou know, that entire spew of dumb-fuckery is just goat-fucking crazy.  You willfully ignorant imbeciles at Fox are an embarrassment to all that’s unholy.

FAUX NEWS:  Sir if I may, can I jist git you to respond to—

SATAN: (interrupts)   NO!  NO!!  NO!!!  You can’t “jist git me to respond!!”  Just Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

FAUX NEWS:  But sir, we are certain it was the loser Democrats and Hillary Clinton who actually stole the server tha—

SATAN: (interrupts)  Look,  you squirt of rectal discharge— are you camped up Donald Trump’s ass??  I work exclusively with Republicans up here!  The “Party of NO  fucking MORALS”!  Do you drink your own cool aid over there at FAUX?!?
This isn’t a case of your stupid fucking “they all do it” bullshit!  You fowl-smelling GOPPERS are the one’s hell-bent on your own personal damnation and the destruction of the United States, because you’re the ones willing to put your selfish personal ambitions ahead of everything, including the shameless exploitation of your ignorant fucking base!  Now if you know what’s bad for you, get the FUCK outa my face, you fucking fucks.

 

FAUX NEWS: Well fine sir, but now that it’s been absolutely proven that it’s the Democrats, and specifically Barack Hussein Obama who are responsible for putting those foreign illegal brown children in cages —

SATAN: (interrupts)   Don’t you imbeciles understand WHO the fuck I am??  Would you like a plague of indescribably painful genital boils and a one-way trip straight to hell?

Satan with president Trump

Anonymous sources inside the White House have reported that a well-dressed man-like creature with large horns, who some conclude is actually Satan, has held private closed-door meetings with president Trump on a near-monthly basis since January of 2017.

FAUX NEWS: Can we take that to mean you’ve spoken with The Anti-Christ, Donald J. Trump, today, regarding your plans to initiate the global Apocalypse?

SATAN: You know, if I had known just how fucking crazy you craven bastards would get when I started cultivating FAUX as a propaganda tool, so help me I would have caramelized every fucking one of you and your flaccid fucking wee-wee-vaginas with a cheap fucking kitchen torch until you all looked like burnt crème brûlée.    You all make me sick.  Oh, and you better stop churning out that evil spew before you wind up in Hell.  Get the fuck outa my way.

* Satan has been making many more appearances on Capital Hill since the Trump presidency began, even meeting numerous times with president Trump in private meetings, and his increasing boldness has been seen as an ominous escalation of the war on truth.  However, his raging demeanor always guarantees an inflammatory interview and a news-worthy incinerating distraction for the White House Press Core, and everyone else fleeing from the pressure of dealing with the truth in actual facts.

NOTHING IS F*CKED HERE, DUDE.

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NOTHING IS FUCKED HERE.

That’s right, nothing is fucked here— if you can ignore straight out collusion with a foreign hostile government— you know, in past parlance, the “enemy,” and “treason.”

TRUMP PRAISES SATAN, SAYS THEY’LL WORK TOGETHER

Trump Laudes Satan

A more jovial than usual Prince of Darkness lashed out at a heckler Sunday, shortly after president Donald Trump introduced him to the largely partisan but completely shocked crowd gathered at Manchester Community College.  “Satan” called the man “obnoxious” and threatened to “burn him from head to toe if he didn’t shut the fuck up.”

 

MANCHESTER, N.H. —  A perspiring President Donald J. Trump stunned a small crowd of 500 Sunday night when he introduced a surprise guest, the “Prince of Darkness,” aka “Satan,” to the gathering of supporters at the Manchester Community College auditorium.

Trump was reportedly in town to unveil his plan to deal with the opioid epidemic.  Before he actually started talking about it, he announced he had a very special guest to introduce.

“He’s the head of his very own country, and I mean he’s the strong head.  Reallly strong.  Don’t let anyone think anything different.  When he speaks, his people sit up at attention.  Believe me;  right?  And, I told him, I want my people to do the same.  So let’s give him a warm round of applause, get out here, Prince. . .  there he is, the Prince of Darkness, in person, Satan!  Come on out here!”

The auditorium fell silent as Trump immediately began showering praise on “the Prince,” calling him a “very talented guy,” a “smart guy,” and a “very fiery negotiator.”  He also complimented Satan’s “great personality,” saying, “He has a very, very warm heart, that I can tell you.”

Trump became more muted in his praise when it came to Satan’s well known record of atrocities, saying only that the Prince “does what he has to do.  He does what has to happen.”  Christianity has long maintained the Prince of Darkness tortures all of his “country’s” residents, and sends every one of them to labor in camps surrounding a vast lake of fire, working endlessly under the harshest conditions imaginable.  He regularly executes anyone he perceives as annoying to him, and these brutal assassinations of Hell’s inhabitants are said to be “continuous” and “never-ending.”

Eventually the president tried to get back on topic, claiming that Satan has confided to him there were no drug problems whatsoever in Hell, because they have “zero tolerance for not only drug dealers, but everybody.”  He continued:  “We have to be tough.  We have to be smart.  We have to change the laws, and with the Prince’s help we’re going to do that.”

Walter Sobchak impersonator heckles Trump

A heckler, later identified as a “Walter Sobchak impersonator,” was quickly disarmed and escorted from the auditorium and later detained for a mental evaluation by the Manchester Police.

Trump continued: “And, I can tell you, the ultimate penalty has to be the death penalty.”  That’s when a heckler in the crowd stood up and began shouting at Mr. Trump and Satan, while brandishing a handgun and a Folger’s coffee can.  “You killed Donnie!  You killed Donnie!  You killed Donnie!” the man shouted several times, before being wrestled to the floor by others in the audience.

Satan then loudly castigated the man, calling him “obnoxious,” and threatening to set the man on fire.  “I will burn you from head to fucking toe if you don’t shut the fuck up.” Witnesses close to the stage say Trump started to speak, but overheard the Prince of Darkness clearly say “Shut the fuck up, Donnie.”

The scene was unusually chaotic however, as more than a dozen men at the gathering— including the heckler and the four men it took to subdue him— were all dressed in beige vests and army surplus clothing, with the intention of emulating  fictional character Walter Sobchak from a cult film, The Big Lebowski, by filmmakers Joel and Ethan Coen.

It was later determined all of the men had been attending a “Big Lebowski Party” nearby, when they decided to crash the president’s speech.  The Walter Sobchak character is apparently notorious for his propensity to become violent with little or no provocation, suffering post traumatic stress from his experiences as a soldier during the Viet Nam War.

Several of Mr. Trump‘s critics condemned his praise for the Prince of Darkness, but generally were too exhausted by events of the preceding week to actually give a shit.  However, Evangelical Christian leaders who unquestionably support Trump were effusive in their confidence that the president was “entirely capable of using the Devil’s tools to bring ‘fire and fury’ ”  wherever it was required by God.  God did not return our calls for comment.

We sought no comments from Congressional Republicans, because …  why the fuck would we do that.

 

 

Pressin’ The Chikin Franchise Flesh

Cow Shit

Mr. and Mrs. Scott Pruitt pressed some “CHIKIN” franchise flesh recently, while spreading a little moral turpitude in Morocco.*

EAT MOR CHIKIN

MOROCCO, IN — Last year, our gallant EPA head, Scott Pruitt, had a chance to “talk about Morocco’s free-trade agreement and the benefits of natural gas.”  Ha ha hah hah hah hah.  I just spilled hot coffee on myself.
You may recall the well-planned junket started out with a “snag,” as the whole  friggin’ entourage was forced to endure two whole days in Paris, France at high-end hotels, shopping and dining.   Pruitt later insisted he spent at least fifteen minutes promoting exports for U.S. energy firms;  Pruitt added, “It mayeh even bin twinny minutes;  I wuz so busy I really wuzn’t watchin’ the tineh hands on mah watch.”

Congressional estimates put the cost of the trip at a whopping $40,000, but actually, no;  the EPA spent more than $100,000 on Pruitt’s trip, according to the Washington Post.  Google it.

What’s worse, reckless taxpayers have unwittingly spent nearly $3.5 million alone over the past year on Mr. Pruitt’s eight-man security detail, far more than the cost of protecting his less-important predecessors, according to figures released by yeah, the Environmental Protection Agency.  But the taxpayers are to blame for that too, since a few of them have yelled obscenities at Scott while he was tooling through the airport, causing him to let go of a little pee in public.

So Scott’s security budget metes out $2,726,719 in wages for the nineteen heavily armed agents that protect him 24-7, and a measly $763,000 on their travel expenses.  Paris ain’t cheap, these days 🤑.  But the actual cost might be even higher, because the estimates don’t include training, equipment, vehicle costs, and uh, assorted distractions.

🐔 🐔 🐔

Little Scottie Pruitt takes a swig of warm spit from a super-size-me Chik-Fil-A cup.

Little Scottie Pruitt prepares to take a big swigga warm spit spritzer— his beverage of choice when out rubbin’ chikin parts with the great unwashed— from a super-size-me Chik-Fil-Up cup.

All this classy backstory is to say that Scott Pruitt requires a few extra simoleons if he wants to continue living in the tasty style to which he has become accustomed.
No surprise then, that Scottie has been using EPA resources to ferret out. . .   a Chic-Fil-A franchise? for ah, the Mrs.  . . .  You heard me right, she apparently really likes da “chikin.”
The duo recently launched a CHIKIN FLESH TOUR, visiting Chick-Fil-A’s around the country, and kicking it off in, wait for it— Chick-Fil-A in Morocco—  Indiana.

 

The Pruitts have also been splashin’ in the news lately thanks to his quest for a used Trump International Hotel mattress.

Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt describes the proper thickness of a used pillow-top mattress cover, during a hearing of the House Energy and Commerce Committee Subcommittee on Environment, on Capitol Hill.

No palatable reason was given why Pruitt was looking for a used Trump mattress, but “The administrator had spoken with someone at the Trump hotel who indicated that there could be a mattress— an lightly used mattress— sold “as is”— that he could purchase at a very, very reasonable price;  (Fabriqué En Chine).

Pruitt has dedicated his tenure at the EPA to reversing Obama-era measures meant to combat climate change, drawing sharp rebuke from the scientific community and sane people.

 

*Morocco, Indiana.