Satan was on Capital Hill again today, trolling the media and spreading the usual fear and hate so vital to the 24-7 news cycle.*
In another increasingly commonplace display of what some call demonic candor, angry Demon and gaslighting Christian icon, Satan, trolled a Fox news crew on Capital Hill today
CAPITAL HILL — Various reporters, and a Fox News crew, spotted what appeared to be an undressed demon in the Capital rotunda this morning, as he casually made his way through a crowd that parted like the Red Sea must have for Moses. When questions were shouted by the Fake News Network’s anchor, “Satan” spun around and glowered at those gathering around him.
This is a transcription of the dialogue that followed.
FAUX NEWS: Mr. Satan, Democrat fake news sources are claiming that you’ve been working closely with President Trump to foist your will on the American people via the take-over of the American government by President Vladimir Putin and the Russian Federation, but isn’t it true that Hillary Clinton, James Comey, John O. Brennan, FBI lovers Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, along with former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe are 100% responsible for the unsupportable allegation of the president’s supposed betrayal of America? Or was it in fact, just the filthy lying Democrats, who can’t let go of the lib-crushing fact they totally lost the election without no help from the Russians, and that there is NO COLLUSION?
And my follow up — will you be talking with the Anti-Christ today?
SATAN: You know, that entire spew of dumb-fuckery is just goat-fucking crazy. You willfully ignorant imbeciles at Fox are an embarrassment to all that’s unholy.
FAUX NEWS: Sir if I may, can I jist git you to respond to—
SATAN: (interrupts) NO! NO!! NO!!! You can’t “jist git me to respond!!” Just Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
FAUX NEWS: But sir, we are certain it was the loser Democrats and Hillary Clinton who actually stole the server tha—
SATAN: (interrupts) Look, you squirt of rectal discharge— are you camped up Donald Trump’s ass?? I work exclusively with Republicans up here! The “Party of NO fucking MORALS”! Do you drink your own cool aid over there at FAUX?!?
This isn’t a case of your stupid fucking “they all do it” bullshit! You fowl-smelling GOPPERS are the one’s hell-bent on your own personal damnation and the destruction of the United States, because you’re the ones willing to put your selfish personal ambitions ahead of everything, including the shameless exploitation of your ignorant fucking base! Now if you know what’s bad for you, get the FUCK outa my face, you fucking fucks.
FAUX NEWS: Well fine sir, but now that it’s been absolutely proven that it’s the Democrats, and specifically Barack Hussein Obama who are responsible for putting those foreign illegal brown children in cages —
SATAN: (interrupts) Don’t you imbeciles understand WHO the fuck I am?? Would you like a plague of indescribably painful genital boils and a one-way trip straight to hell?
FAUX NEWS: Can we take that to mean you’ve spoken with The Anti-Christ, Donald J. Trump, today, regarding your plans to initiate the global Apocalypse?
SATAN: You know, if I had known just how fucking crazy you craven bastards would get when I started cultivating FAUX as a propaganda tool, so help me I would have caramelized every fucking one of you and your flaccid fucking wee-wee-vaginas with a cheap fucking kitchen torch until you all looked like burnt crème brûlée. You all make me sick. Oh, and you better stop churning out that evil spew before you wind up in Hell. Get the fuck outa my way.
* Satan has been making many more appearances on Capital Hill since the Trump presidency began, even meeting numerous times with president Trump in private meetings, and his increasing boldness has been seen as an ominous escalation of the war on truth. However, his raging demeanor always guarantees an inflammatory interview and a news-worthy incinerating distraction for the White House Press Core, and everyone else fleeing from the pressure of dealing with the truth in actual facts.