Frank Zappa called it “Centerville,” Homer Simpson calls it Springfield,
Glenn Beck calls it “Independence.”
If you want some Glenn Gas, you must click it.
(Original image here)
Glenn and Tania sat across from me at breakfast in Rome. Glenn alternately took bites of his raisoned [sic] oatmeal and doodled notes on the English version of the local Herald… He read the headline “West’s Clash With Iran Is a Windfall for Russia,” and then quickly made his way down the page, speed-reading the article. His notes: “Of Course, this is why they don’t support action.” He leaned back from his oatmeal in silence and stared at the ceiling. Pause. After a few beats he looked back at the table with moist eyes. “We’ve got to go to Australia.”
—Mark Mabry on Glenn Beck
“Location, location, location!
—Every Realtor In The World
What are those visionaries at the American Dream Labs* “building towards?” asks Glenn Beck. Remember Glenn Beck? Yeah that guy. Last week he gave us a special look at the “big picture that everything is building towards”— Independence, USA! And because it’s so far in the future— “Tomorrowland“— they’ve whipped up a special tiny toy town so you can start getting the lay of the land, wherever it may actually be, today.
While Independence USA! is very much a burrito gas-like induced cold-sweat dreamorrhoid¹ at this point, the proposed “city-theme park hybrid”— you can’t make this shit up— would bring several of Glenn’s “seemingly disconnected projects into one place.”
Where is that “one place,” you ask? You didn’t ask? Go on, ask.
It’s an undisclosed location. Not Cheney’s digs either. Beck’s just not saying. But sure maybe a red welfare state is a good guess, or Teh Utah, He’s a Mormon-In-Name-Only after all; or maybe even near Las Vegas, which elite snobs already think of as a city-theme park mutation. But it’s gonna have lots of stuff dreamt up by the imagineering wizards at American Dream Labs. One of them is rambling imaginatively, now:
We’ll have media, live events, [live music— imagine!] small business stores, [gun shops and gum drops] educational projects, [infomercials] charity, [think Red Cross,² Salvation Army] entertainment, [yep, The Beck Cinema] news, [Beck News Channel] information, [buy gold] and technology R&D [how does an etch-a-sketch really work?] — and all of these things would have a nice median-priced home in Independence [with upper middle class white folk living right next door to multimillionaire estates].
Things that would probably not have a home in Independence— not now, not ever— are obviously going to be on a far longer list. Let’s get started:
Well of course the homeless. The poor, the unemployed, the under-employed, and especially all those leaches living off government entitlements like military veterans, the disabled, all those living on social security, the elderly; oh and hippies, liberals, progressives, Muslims, Atheists, contraception, abortion, equal pay for women, etc., etc., etc.— use your imagination.
With the rest of the country [that's like way more than 47% ya douche] and the world going away from the values of freedom, responsibility, and truth, Independence USA! would be a place built on the very foundation of those principles; [which yeah, means they'll be buried in the foundation, so....] Oh yeah and a retreat from the world where entrepreneurs, [people with money] artists, [people without money] and creators [people with dreams and money] could come to put their ideas to work [if they're willing to make less than the federally mandated minimum wage]. A place for families to bring their children to be inspired [because city-theme park hybrids are what every kid wants].
Projected to cost over two billion dollars, and maybe two thirds of a yet to be minted and obtained trillion dollar coin, Glenn’s “seemingly disconnected” vision(s) have been heavily influenced by
legumes that other great Mormon visionary, Mitt Romney Walt Disney.³
As Glenn has been explaining all week, Disneyland was originally intended to be a place where people would find happiness, inspiration, courage, and hope [and spend a good piece of coin getting it]. Over time, Walt Disney’s original vision has been lost. While hundreds of thousands still flock to the town, it’s become “commercialized”; [uh-huh: a Disneyland one day, one park ticket for kids age three to nine is $81; ages ten and up, $87 smackers; no paupers, please]— and the “big dreams and the heart have been compromised.” [by mammon, right?]
So Glenn figures when you go looking for some happiness, inspiration, courage, and hope at Disneyland, you’ll be waylaid by the commercialization, like he was; you should instead flock to his not-yet-commercialized, not yet compromised, not yet even existing, big sloppy wet American dream: Independence, USA!
As the first unofficial American Dream Labs Storytellers get together, Glenn and I walked down Main Street Disneyland with hot corn dogs and Cokes. We compared Walt Disney’s prospectus, the original vision, with what has evolved into Disneyland. Studied history, read plaques, rode rides, and told stories. Mostly we rode rides; then we mostly threw up masticated corn dogs and coke.
Weeping softly while wiping corn dog chunks off his chin, Glenn explained about Walt Disney: “He had started making these little tiny towns, small, little saloons and little streets and everything else; he became like, a doll house manufacture almost, and his brother said, you’re going nuts— what are you doing? He said, I don’t know; I’m working on something.”
Well Glenn is “working on something,” too. He believes deep down in one of his important orifices that he can pound the heart and the spirit of Walt’s crazy tiny town ideas into the shape of his own tiny idea of community and freedom: plop plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a retreat it is! Independence, USA!
But it won’t be about rides and merchandise, [that's you, small businessmen— know your place] but about community, and freedom— [you know— like America, but without all the stuff Glenn doesn't like]. The Marketplace would be a place where people [with enough money] could open and run real small businesses and stores [like in America, except, no taxes!]. The owners and tradesmen could offer “apprenticeships”— [wage-free jobs]— and teach the young people the [responsible weapons-handling skills and selfish] entrepreneurial spirit [they'll need to survive in the "entitlement state" of Tomorrowland].
There would also be a Media Center, [hell— let's call it "The Beck Cinema"] — where Glenn’s production company would film [remember "film"?] television, movies, infomercials, documentaries, and more. Glenn hopes to include scripted television that would challenge viewers without resorting to a loss of human decency [hhwhat?!?..] He also said it would be a place where aspiring journalists would learn how to be great reporters [because you know, sooo much news is going to be flowing outa da chief pie holes, it'll put Fox's Bullshit Mountain to shame].
Across the lake, [Lake Beck], there would be a church modeled after The Alamo [yes; Thee Alamo] which would act as a multi-denominational mission center [and family values vortex-paddleboat rental marina hybrid so you can get to the multi-church on time]. The town will also have [as in, own] a working ranch where thousands upon thousands of visitors can learn how to farm and work the land [for no munny, but room and board in barracks with no indoor plumbing or crappers during the harvest season, just like where you know who gets to stay when they sneak into our country to harvest America's crops].
Imagine this: Glenn Beck is Davy Crockett, the Alamo still burns, and Mexican illegals still kill them all.
Independence USA! would also be home to a Research and Development center where people would come to learn, innovate, educate, and create, [unlike other research and development firms where people merely stay where they are to learn, innovate, educate, and create]. There would be a massive theme park for people to recharge and have fun with their families, [unlike other, commercialized, compromised theme parks, where people do not recharge or have fun... because, money].
And some lucky people would also have the option to live in Independence Town, within a residential area where people of different incomes [maybe even different ethnicities and colors— because anything could happen...] could all come together and try to be neighbors [sorta.. just.. exactly.. like.. the rest of America].
So let’s recap— what is it again that distinguishes this American Dream Lab* community from most every other community in America, or indeed, the world? (You know, other than Glenn’s megalomaniacal obsession with Walt Disney and tiny model towns) I’m guessing here, but: Not a fucking thing; except for the extensive and informal list of prejudice, fear, and bigotry that will “crystallize” Beck’s nightmarishy “American dream” into yet another gated community holding everything outside it in contempt. Well, except for airports linked to Glenn Beck International. And all the American socialist highways and roads Independence will have to rely on. Mmm, and all goods and services not available in Independence Town. Oh and protection from commies and all other bad things real or imagineered, provided by the U.S. government. Woops, and the Mexican Army, in case they try to retake the Beck Alamo.
And the bazillion other things that have not entered into the tiny-town mind of the American Dream of Glenn Beck; like per chance, a Beckland resident psycho gun-nut with a couple drum-fed assault rifles and a box of grenades, shooting and blowing the fuck out of The Beck Cinema in downtown Independence, USA. God forbid, of course; but, you know— the second amendment. The NRA. And our freedoms.
Those are totally fake bullet holes. No cardboard boxes were harmed in the making of this blog post.
* You know we really wanted to find out who or what “American Dream Labs” actually is or does, but we can only spend a short amount of time on Glenn Beck’s sites before experiencing flu-like symptoms.
¹ dreamorrhoid | drēm(ə)ˌroid noun • an unrealistic asspiration or self-deluding fantasy generated in a swollen region of the anus
² Disney joined the Red Cross and drove an ambulance after the WWI armistice was signed on November 11, 1918.
³ Walt Disney was not a Mormon. But he was a commie hater just like Glenn Beck, and thus during the “Second Red Scare” he was a founding member of the 1940′s Motion Picture Alliance for the Preservation of American Ideals, along with other conservative iconic commie haters like John Wayne and Ayn Rand; explaining a lot about Beck’s fixation with Disney.