Loathsome Ted

With a face made for radio, we can chalk up Senator Sourpus’s electoral successes, not to the appeal of his personality, but to the professionals running his campaign.

Broker This

However, thanks to the Great White Leviathan with the orange fringe on top, currently poised to win the GOP nomination, not only would they lose an opportunity to take over the White House, but might result in their loss of the Senate, and the Supreme Court for a generation. Their only hope is a brokered convention. And that would likely result in destruction of the party if they try to screw the Tea Party and nominate another establishment Republican.

TED CRUZ TALKS TO GRILLED SAUSAGE

Ted Cruz DoGSenator Ted Cruz walked out of the Mens Congressional restroom Friday, talking to a levitating ballpark frank.

Ted Cruz Chats With His Lunch in the Congressional Men’s Room

WASHINGTON—  A partially dressed and apparently deranged Senator Ted Cruz (®Texas), emerged from the Congressional Men’s room Friday, alternately sobbing and talking coherently with an apparently invisible sausage or hot dog, which he claimed was hovering just above his head in front of him.

The Senator, who was shirtless and covered with dark paw marks of some sort was met outside the restroom by a phalanx of Capital Hill reporters with recording devices and a few snickers.

When asked why he was sobbing, Cruz responded, “Look!  Just look what they did to my sweet little dog, Teddy;  Obamacare grilled my sweet little dog.  Well, why doesn’t he try and say it to my dog’s face!”

“Um, where is your dog Teddy now, sir?” asked Fox News reporter, Ed Henry.  “There— right there in the lights, just in front of me” replied Cruz, staring off to the ceiling.  The senator then made a series of little stroking motions, as if he were petting a dog;  an uncomfortable silence was broken by the arrival of Capital Hill Security, who gingerly escorted the Senator from the room.

Cruz, who Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) recently said was “…a laughing stock to everybody but him,” led the costly Tea Party debacle which shut down the United States Government for sixteen days;  current estimates say the shutdown cost 900,000 jobs.  Conservative pundicks say this is exactly the kind of thing that will endear him to the angry dead-ender conservative base, who are determined to vote against their own best interest, even if it means voting for a douche who talks to hotdogs while laying cable.

Death Panels Redux

Bachmann's Wingnut Parade

Fresh from earning four Pinocchios for claiming at CPAC that the Obama presidency spends $1.4-billion on “perks and excess,” perennial wingnut Michelle Bachmann took to the House floor Thursday on the third anniversary of Obamacare to plead, once again, for its repeal.

Echoing the claim by her sister wingnut Sarah Palin that the original Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act set up “death panels” (via a provision for voluntary counseling on living wills, advance directives, and end-of-life care options),  Bachmann warned:

“That’s why we’re here: Because we’re saying let’s repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens. Let’s not do that. Let’s love people. Let’s care about people. Let’s repeal it now while we can.”

While it wasn’t clear how she imagines such slaughter will ensue, there were studies in 2010 that showed that without coverage for the then 48.6 million uninsured, some 22,000 otherwise preventable deaths would occur.

You’d think that someone with a law degree from Oral Roberts University could provide a little substantiation for her wild claims every now and then. What do they teach there, anyway?

The Unambiguously DULL DUO

Thursday night America’s new dream duo will lay out their plans for America’s future under Republican rule. Hold onto your butts.