UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — Ex-president* and prosecutable war criminal, Dick Cheney, is reportedly “resting comfortably” at an undisclosed location after an undisclosed “procedure.”
Cheney‘s press secretary, Howard Levey, stressed that Cheney was in “fine form” after what he characterized as a “minor elective procedure.” When pressed on the nature of the procedure, Levey said it was “merely to restore uh, certain rudimentary aspects of uh, functionality to an insignificant portion of Mr. Cheney’s, um, anatomy.” After a flurry of shouted questions Levey reluctantly continued, “Look, there’s a very technical name for this very simple procedure, something like, ‘decapitarectomy,’† but, you know, don’t quote me— I mean, seriously— do not quote me.”
Early last week, unnamed sources close to anonymous confidants of Cheney, said he had privately expressed grave concerns over a recent classified leak, said to have originated in the United States Department of Justice. One version of the leak claimed Cheney would soon be “forced to stand trial” for literally hundreds of criminal charges stemming from his role as “…chief mastermind in selling the Iraq war” to the United States Congress and the American people. Cheney had also expressed anxiety that if he were to be suddenly removed from his salver, he would be “cut off” from normal channels of communication.
Levey dismissed the rumors with a confident chuckle, saying, “I can assure you, all such rumors have absolutely no foundation in reality.”
* Come on; you know it’s true.
† There’s no such thing as a “decapitarectomy.”