AIBONITO, PUERTO RICO — President and fulltime game show host, Donald J. TRump, was spotted while not tweeting on Sunday as he prepared to award some
losers winners in striped shirts, The President’s Cup trophy— a nasty looking gold-plated spitoon-like thing, nearly big enough to fit on TRump’s head.
Here’s a little bit of his salad, my emphasis:
“On behalf of all of the people of Texas, of all of the people of — if you look today, if you see what’s happening, how horrible it is, but we have it under really great control, Puerto Rico, and the people of Florida, who are really suffering, over this last short period of time, with hurricanes. I want to just remember them, and we are going to dedicate this trophy, to all of those people, that went through so much. That I can tell you.
“And, I tell you what! I’ve been watching this, from the beginning, and I have to say, our Team USA, wow, did you play, well.”
Just then, a skinny white man near the back of the crowd, dressed all in black with a scrawny ponytail, began vociferously yelling at the president.
“Golf courses! Just what we need! plenty of good land in nice neighborhoods, land that is currently being wasted on a meaningless, mindless activity, engaged in primarily by white well-to-do male businessmen, who use the game to get together to make deals to carve this country up into finer chunks among themselves. I am getting tired… realllly gettinnng tired of these golfing cocksuckers in their green pants, and their yellow pants, and their orange pants, and their precious little hats, and their cute little golf carts, to cart their fat asses around!
“It’s time to reclaim the golf courses from the wealthy and turn them over to the homeless! Golf is an arrogant, elitist game and it takes up entirely too much room in this country.
WHAT DO THESE PIN-HEADED PRICKS NEED WITH ALL THAT LAND?!!! There are over 17,000 golf courses in America, they average over 150 acres apiece, that’s 3 million plus acres, 4,820 square miles— you could build two Rhode Island’s and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist — there’s another thing: the only blacks you’ll find in country clubs are carrying trays — and it’s a borrring game… boring game for borrring people.
You ever watch golf on television while you’re fucking twittering, Mr. President!? It’s like watching flies fuck! It’s such a mindless game, mmmmmmindless! Think of how much intellect it must take to draw pleasure from this… activity: Hitting a tiny fucking ball with a crooked little stick… and then… walking after it… and then… HITTING IT AGAIN!!! I SAY, PICK IT UP, ASSHOLE!!! YOU’RE LUCKY YOU FOUND THE FUCKING THING!!! PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET AND GO-THE-FUCK HOME!!! YOU FOUND IT!!! YOU’RE A WINNER!!! YOU’RE A WINNER!!!
Aren’t you tired of “WINNING” YET?!?
I say let these rich cocksuckers play miniature golf! Let ‘em fuck with a windmill for an hour or so… see if there’s really any skill among these people. Now, I know some of ‘you people‘— people who play golf, but don’t consider themselves rich… FUCK ‘EM!!! And SHAME on them for engaging in this arrogant, elitist, meaningless, mindless, and racist pastime!”
Many of you will recognize that is mostly the ebullient golf screed of the late, great George Carlin. We caught up with the fellow that delivered it, who actually looks a lot like Carlin— turns out to be Stephen A. Heckler, an amateur Carlin impersonator.
“Yeah, I know, I know” he explains. “My dad, Dick— thought it would be just hysterical if I had to say to everyone I meet,
‘Hi, I’m Steve, A Heckler.’ But my high school principal did not think it was funny, “that I can tell you.”
That I can tell you— That’s a, you know, a TRump euphemism for ‘I just lied.'”
Well, I can tell you, that A. Heckler was carefully but politely escorted by the Secret Service out of the golf club, where they chatted with him amiably a few moments, shook his hand, and sent him on his way. LOLz
GolfWeek, who was also covering the event, had some interesting comments from their uh, let’s call it a, “pro-golf” perspective:
“Unlike several NFL players before games on Sunday, none of the United States President’s Cup players took a knee during the closing ceremony. That was no surprise because, on Tuesday, Stricker* said, ‘We’ve had a discussion already, and none of my players want to do that.’ There was also no sign of any anti-Trump sentiment among the fans.”
* Some golfer named “Stricker.”
¹ Original AP Photo/Gerald Herbert