A Garrulous Guide To The 2016 Republican Presidential Trainwreck
Secularism frees us from ecclesiastical slavery— only to betray us into the tyranny of political and economic slavery.
DAY 24,505 On This Planet.
I feel like WE are Groot, today. I don’t feel like spelling it out more than that. I may get a double-take, or an “Excuse me??” stare, but that’s become a lot more frequent a response to me this decade, anyway.
So.
“WE are Groot.”
The flagship burger of McDonaldland is the Big Mac, shown above with a list of its ingredients supplied by McDonalds. McDONALDLAND — Refusing to answer questions about Mayor McCheese‘s crack cocaine use, McLisa McComb, a spokeswoman for McDonald’s USA, announced the demise of the online presence of the McResource program, following the solicited appearance on their McWebsite of “unnecessary McViews …
Senator Ted Cruz walked out of the Mens Congressional restroom Friday, talking to a levitating ballpark frank.
WASHINGTON— A partially dressed and apparently deranged Senator Ted Cruz (®Texas), emerged from the Congressional Men’s room Friday, alternately sobbing and talking coherently with an apparently invisible sausage or hot dog, which he claimed was hovering just above his head in front of him.
The Senator, who was shirtless and covered with dark paw marks of some sort was met outside the restroom by a phalanx of Capital Hill reporters with recording devices and a few snickers.
When asked why he was sobbing, Cruz responded, “Look! Just look what they did to my sweet little dog, Teddy; Obamacare grilled my sweet little dog. Well, why doesn’t he try and say it to my dog’s face!”
“Um, where is your dog Teddy now, sir?” asked Fox News reporter, Ed Henry. “There— right there in the lights, just in front of me” replied Cruz, staring off to the ceiling. The senator then made a series of little stroking motions, as if he were petting a dog; an uncomfortable silence was broken by the arrival of Capital Hill Security, who gingerly escorted the Senator from the room.
Cruz, who Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) recently said was “…a laughing stock to everybody but him,” led the costly Tea Party debacle which shut down the United States Government for sixteen days; current estimates say the shutdown cost 900,000 jobs. Conservative pundicks say this is exactly the kind of thing that will endear him to the angry dead-ender conservative base, who are determined to vote against their own best interest, even if it means voting for a douche who talks to hotdogs while laying cable.
This month’s national laughingstock just happens to be an adult crybaby.
This sorry-assed excuse for a magazine found its way into my personal space yesterday. Not only was it not funny, but it pissed me off in a way that I have seldom experienced since I stopped abusing certain vile foamy liquids and other assorted borderline ingestibles.
Many of you are too young in this adventure to remember National LAMPOON magazine, let alone one of their most memorable covers, from January 1973. (See it here.) But unlike that cover, this parody did not make me feel sorry for the Boner-as-victim of his own groveling attempts to destroy the American government and … you know what, just forget it.
Forget all the antics of the Republican “party” for a moment. Just answer this question: Why is a sniveling crybaby the Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States?
Is this really the best creature we can squeeze out of our gene pool?
Apparently it is, so then, go ahead, Repuglican’ts; do your worst, you catatonic douchebags.
America has it coming.
