National INQUISITOR: 500 CRIMES & 5,000 LIES

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National INQUISITOR tRUMP'S 500 CRIMES

The latest chronicler of the human shit-gibbon president’s escapades is the National INQUISITOR

 

WASHINGTON D.C. — David Pecker.  Seriously.  David J. Pecker is the chairman and CEO of American Media, at least for a little while longer.  He publishes the National Enquirer, Star, Sun, Weekly World News, Globe, Men’s Fitness, Muscle and Fitness, Flex, Fit Pregnancy, and Shape.  But what he’s going to be remembered for is buying and burying ugly shit about Donald Trump.  And by doing so, he’s been given immunity from prosecution for his roll in colluding with Trump and his fixer, Michael Cohen, to keep the truth of Trump’s tawdry doings (oh, and the tawdry doings of his adult children, too) out of the flagship shit rag of his publishing empire, The National Enquirer.  He might as well have driven a gasoline tanker trunk into the building, because he’s effectively burning it to the ground in spectacular fashion.  Yeah, too bad.

Well nature abhors a vacuum, so there should be a new shit rag in town, the National INQUISITOR©.   Only instead of demeaning all of Trump‘s enemies the way Pecker did with his shit rag, the INQUISITOR will be savaging Trump— and all of his cronies, until death do them part from our planet.  Godspeed.

TRUMP PRAISES SATAN, SAYS THEY’LL WORK TOGETHER

Trump Laudes Satan

A more jovial than usual Prince of Darkness lashed out at a heckler Sunday, shortly after president Donald Trump introduced him to the largely partisan but completely shocked crowd gathered at Manchester Community College.  “Satan” called the man “obnoxious” and threatened to “burn him from head to toe if he didn’t shut the fuck up.”

 

MANCHESTER, N.H. —  A perspiring President Donald J. Trump stunned a small crowd of 500 Sunday night when he introduced a surprise guest, the “Prince of Darkness,” aka “Satan,” to the gathering of supporters at the Manchester Community College auditorium.

Trump was reportedly in town to unveil his plan to deal with the opioid epidemic.  Before he actually started talking about it, he announced he had a very special guest to introduce.

“He’s the head of his very own country, and I mean he’s the strong head.  Reallly strong.  Don’t let anyone think anything different.  When he speaks, his people sit up at attention.  Believe me;  right?  And, I told him, I want my people to do the same.  So let’s give him a warm round of applause, get out here, Prince. . .  there he is, the Prince of Darkness, in person, Satan!  Come on out here!”

The auditorium fell silent as Trump immediately began showering praise on “the Prince,” calling him a “very talented guy,” a “smart guy,” and a “very fiery negotiator.”  He also complimented Satan’s “great personality,” saying, “He has a very, very warm heart, that I can tell you.”

Trump became more muted in his praise when it came to Satan’s well known record of atrocities, saying only that the Prince “does what he has to do.  He does what has to happen.”  Christianity has long maintained the Prince of Darkness tortures all of his “country’s” residents, and sends every one of them to labor in camps surrounding a vast lake of fire, working endlessly under the harshest conditions imaginable.  He regularly executes anyone he perceives as annoying to him, and these brutal assassinations of Hell’s inhabitants are said to be “continuous” and “never-ending.”

Eventually the president tried to get back on topic, claiming that Satan has confided to him there were no drug problems whatsoever in Hell, because they have “zero tolerance for not only drug dealers, but everybody.”  He continued:  “We have to be tough.  We have to be smart.  We have to change the laws, and with the Prince’s help we’re going to do that.”

Walter Sobchak impersonator heckles Trump

A heckler, later identified as a “Walter Sobchak impersonator,” was quickly disarmed and escorted from the auditorium and later detained for a mental evaluation by the Manchester Police.

Trump continued: “And, I can tell you, the ultimate penalty has to be the death penalty.”  That’s when a heckler in the crowd stood up and began shouting at Mr. Trump and Satan, while brandishing a handgun and a Folger’s coffee can.  “You killed Donnie!  You killed Donnie!  You killed Donnie!” the man shouted several times, before being wrestled to the floor by others in the audience.

Satan then loudly castigated the man, calling him “obnoxious,” and threatening to set the man on fire.  “I will burn you from head to fucking toe if you don’t shut the fuck up.” Witnesses close to the stage say Trump started to speak, but overheard the Prince of Darkness clearly say “Shut the fuck up, Donnie.”

The scene was unusually chaotic however, as more than a dozen men at the gathering— including the heckler and the four men it took to subdue him— were all dressed in beige vests and army surplus clothing, with the intention of emulating  fictional character Walter Sobchak from a cult film, The Big Lebowski, by filmmakers Joel and Ethan Coen.

It was later determined all of the men had been attending a “Big Lebowski Party” nearby, when they decided to crash the president’s speech.  The Walter Sobchak character is apparently notorious for his propensity to become violent with little or no provocation, suffering post traumatic stress from his experiences as a soldier during the Viet Nam War.

Several of Mr. Trump‘s critics condemned his praise for the Prince of Darkness, but generally were too exhausted by events of the preceding week to actually give a shit.  However, Evangelical Christian leaders who unquestionably support Trump were effusive in their confidence that the president was “entirely capable of using the Devil’s tools to bring ‘fire and fury’ ”  wherever it was required by God.  God did not return our calls for comment.

We sought no comments from Congressional Republicans, because …  why the fuck would we do that.

 

 

FSociety: The Feral Dog Sweats

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Faithless readers of this blog will not recognize yet another unheard of magazine atop a post, the reviewing of which is one of our favorite distractions as we hunker down for the inevitable unraveling of TRUMP’merica©.
MAGOT” MAGAzine— an acronym for “Make America Get Over Trump”—  (good luck with that, fellow optimists), is our latest, and tiny hands down, most traumatic find to date.  See other Mags here, herehere, here, here, and WhyTFN, a TeeVee mag here.

 

Normally we like to regale our occasional readers with the quaint back story of how we come across these often bizarre publications, but honestly, this POS* was found at the local Department of Motor Vehicles, and there’s simply nothing more to be said about that lost-time experience that would do anything but pull the scab off a perennial psychic wound.

 

Oh yeah.  Some of our fellow Americans don’t watch television, but enough of us do that, chances are, you’ve seen the term “FSociety” in relation to the series, MR. ROBOT.  Their usage of the term is in conjunction with the traditional “F” word.  But in TRUMP’merica©, we’re redefining the “F” word to mean FAKE;  not fuck.  As in “FAKE” Society.  But it’s not the usage of the word “fake” that the feral dog inhabiting the White House has been abusing for the past year.  It’s reality itself.  But Trump only applies the term to any media outlet with the temerity to report the news about him with respect to facts in evidence, facts in reality.

So here we are. In FSociety, the president is addicted to Twitter.  It’s become a daily raging barometer of his griplessness.  In FSociety, the president is a self-admitted justice-obstructing, pussy-grabbing sexual predator, accused by, at last count, sixteen women.  In FSociety, the president has blathered out over 1600 verifiable lies— just since taking office.

In FSociety, the president’s National Security Advisor has pled guilty to lying to the FBI, and before too much longer will very likely give up all the lying, money-laundering, justice-obstructing, treasonous country-fucking turds who he colluded with last year.

 

Go ahead.  Take a deep, life-giving breath if you can.  And realize this:
If indeed our gut-shot democracy has a breath of life left in it, it’s currently being used to keep Robert Mueller alive.

 

*Piece Of Satire

 

This Week In Fake Fake News

Fake Fake News

“Fake News”?  Or fake “Fake News;”  can you tell the difference?  If you want to smell the rats, you must click it.

WASHINGTON D.C. — Now that we have a self-flagellating Liar-in-Chief who plays golf every week on your dime and has blown out the first family security budget in less than two months just to keep Milania a safe distance from his gelatinous girth, we can get on with trying to figure out what “alternative facts” are simply fake news, and what stories are actually fake fake news— and forget about the impending doom coming from the shitstorm of incompetence and lies that explodes from what is euphemistically called “the Trump administration blow hole” at least twice a day.  Here’s a compilation of what I mean symbolically represented by “drivers.”


That’s right;  there were a lot of Russian “connections.”

And forget about tRump‘s “possible collusion” with the Russians. The fact that, on the surface, it looks like a spider’s web of lying underlings and rudderless sycophants doesn’t mean that underneath there is a rat’s nest¹ of betrayal and treason that the American people, should they ever shake off their stupidity, would be horrified and truly filled with rage.  We are far too busy keeping track of his day-to-day bullshit to be bothered by reality; i.e., the voter fraud bullshit, the wiretap bullshit, the muslim ban bullshit, etc…  Especially when there is plenty of fake news to digest and excrete, and now, welcome fake fake news to delight and distract us from, well, plain ol factual news, from reliable sources.
It used to be a thing.

¹A situation or condition that is characterized by messiness, disorder, disarray, and/or confusion. 

LIAR Chooses Conway Over Trump

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March LIAR Chooses Conway Over Trump

Naa, that’s not makeup, it’s just death emerging through her skin.

 

LIAR Magazine lurched into the motherlode of all liars with the election of #FakePresident Trump and his slowly accumulating disintegrating staff of cabinet level fudgebutts.  And they’re apparently already bored with putting T-rump on their cover every stinking month, as someone remembered that Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the #FakePresident, lies just as much and a lot more cleverly than her cheeto daddy does.

But first, what the hell is up with the sugar skull makeup?  I know, who can’t see the rapid soul-sucking collapse of Conway’s face— but why make yourself a walking talking joke just to get noticed at cabinet meetings.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was that made me recoil when I first listened to her;  there was some kind of speech impediment going on, even kinda similar to Sean Spicer’s impediment— then I finally heard it:  she sounds like a fourth-grader with the gift of diarrhea mouth.

You will be feeling exhausted after taking in even a part of the verbal landslide of effluvia which flows effortlessly past her incredibly white vampire teeth:

 

“I do think you’re cherry-picking some appointments in that we’ve got-we’ve even been lauded by some of his naysayers and detractors as having put together HE not we, HE’s put together an amazing cabinet of very qualified men and women people who have done great things in the public and private sector and who are willing to share those experiences in the cabinet, and I would just say you know eight years ago at this time, I certainly, I don’t know about other people but weren’t critical of the cabinet that was in formation because you want the new president um, whoever the occupant is to be able to take his time maybe one day her time, to form that cabinet in a way that helps, will help to execute on their agenda on their vision for the world and for the nation’s economy and, those who at least are giving the president a wide, president elect excuse me a wide berth and the deep breath to do that, I think will be very impressed with who he’s put there in some of these different positions.”

Lisa Feldsher

We used to think she was a maniacal genius, but wished we had her on our team. Now, we just think she’s maniacal. She could however regain some of our respect if she were to quit the verbal gymnastics and simply speak the truth – but then she’d be out of a job.

And for that, we’d thank you, Kellyanne, and God.